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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21449
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Again for the third time.1)I have been married for 7 years

Customer Question

Again for the third time.1)I have been married for 7 years tons of counselling. He has never put me on the checking accounts/car/house you name it. His first wife took him to the cleaners and I am paying for it. Time has moved and I have grown. I got a job for $45,000 alot for me. He was laid off from $275,000 a year. He does the minimum to collect unemployment but from all aspects has no desire to look for work. I had a different previous life from him all my monies went to childcare. I do not regret it, but he needs to find a job, I would be more content finding a $500 studio and being happy he did not pay my medical bills when I had 5 grand mal seizures and almost dies in 2002. This has been a very turmoil relationship. How can I get him to understand, get a job or else? This is ridiculous. He is capable of providing for us x 6 I am not he has the experience. I just received my undergraduate and expects miracles out of me. I am older and wiser and advice, truly.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


If you have had counseling and talked to him about everything then there isn't much you can do after that usually counseling is the last resort in a marriage to see if it is make or break time. It may take you leaving for him to see that you are serious, you are right he is taking what his ex wife did out on you and he may be thinking I'm tired of taking care of someone and wants someone to now take care of me. That is never a way of thinking especially in this economy and the way it is now, even though things aren't necessarily great, you can not allow this to give you negative outlook on your marriage because he's going to turn right around and give you negative vibes right back. Acting in a positive manner especially with your actions and your words will allows you to model how you want him to act, but it paints you in as positive light also. Meaning it's showing that you care what happens to your lives and your marriage.


Depending on his age he could be going through a midlife crisis also, men who go through a midlife crisis usually are rethinking their future and what they want out of it usually not considering those around them, they want to feel younger and do things they like to do instead of what is best for him and his family though he doesn't have all of the classic signs, the new sports car, working out to get a younger body, needing attention from younger women, he is showing one classic sign usually a man in a midlife crisis want changes in their life especially their job. What you may need to do is sit him down and explain to him the bills that you have and how much money you make and ask him if he wants better for his life than living off of his unemployment compensation, he may feel he needs a break and was feeling burnt out but that isn't feasible with this economy. It isn't fair for you to work hard and him just sit around feeling sorry for himself. You may have to do something that you may not want to do and that is give him an ultimatum to have a job within a certain period of time or you will leave and get your own place.


That may be your last resort if counseling did not work then this may be all you have left to do and knock him back into reality. While getting deeper and deeper into debt and the loss of a job adds to the difficulty of becoming financially secure, there are always steps you can take to improve your current situation. Budgeting is one of the ways you can cope with your husband being out of work. There has been many couples who have sought counseling on the subject that had a budget, but could not communicate very well with each other and share the responsibility of getting out of debt and improving their financial position, write down possible solutions for each problem separately. This is very important, because if you do not take each area separately, it will begin to seem too difficult a task to fix. You need to set up a budget, discuss what you are spending on a daily basis, make sure your books stay balanced, and work together as a couple to stay on track with your goals.


Also you may not have stayed in counseling long enough possibly because you could not afford it or you felt it just wasn't working to make your husband see that he needs to contribute to the household income or he may have been embarrassed to have to go to a counselor but you may also be having some communication issues with your husband also. Communication is one of the most important foundations of a marriage, and if you are struggling financially from it, you will more than likely need more than just financial help with your marriage. Online marriage counseling has been one the best and easiest ways to help couples with marital issues, especially in the communication department. With online counseling, you can take the sessions according to your schedule, from the comfort of your own home, and the stress from face to face counseling is no longer a problem. The bonus of these online programs is that both you and you partner will rely on each other through the exercises, instead of waiting for the counselor to come up with the solutions, and the cost for this method of counseling is far cheaper than the traditional face to face counseling. Below are some sites to look at that offer online marriage counseling.



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Kimberly: Possibly I didnt paint the picture correctly, and I do want to thank you for your lengthy response. It should be known that Ihave been in counseling regarding this marriage since inception. I have earned my Undergraduate Degree with a Cum. GPA of 3.9 and have been accepted to work on my Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology for Children.   It should be stated right off, that I have provided financially as well as he has for this marriage. Because he was at the right place at the right time (not necessisarily a hard job), he was fortunate to make the money he does. I look at his line of work as a ticking time bomb, like the .com.   It is in the timeshare industry, an as you and I both know it dried up completely, therefore all of those that were making $300,000 plus are lucky to be making 50,000. Money is greed. During our entire marriage he has not supported me. I have worked enough to support myself. Why, because he said he would never support a person. Well right there that states that his mind set is that of a marriage is not community or a union or one. It is mine or hers. He has had his entire life to get the itches out of him as far as mid life crisis. He has no kids, basically has had no expenses, and unfortunately is a poor money manager and should have a hefty 401(k) and does not. I on the other hand was married and raised two boys and my working monies went to the support of them and that marriage and the household there. I would even venture to say at least that was more of a normal marriage where we were one and we contributed like Husband and Wife. There is no possible way to sit him down. He is unemotional and will tune me out and I will end up emotionally distraught. He does not think that a husband and a wife need to talk or communicate about things, and if they do, they better go his way. Just trust me on that one. He will make life uncomfortable for all that are around him if he isn't doing what he wants to do. He has had (he is 58) his entire life to figure out what he wants to do. What I do think is that he is going to wait and then say he is too old to work and then say that he cannot work and will depend on me. I will not do that. You have to understand, when someone says to me make an ultimatum, that does not settle with me. My first marriage I lost my children to financial poverty making $45,000 a year, because my ex would not pay child support, they are grown that is over. I have extreme fear of that word because until I have enough money on my own to know that I will be ok for one year I will not make an ultimatum. I don't know if you have been there but it was the hardest thing in my life. Mine was about abuse then however. This is probably a form of verbal abuse. I totally agree with you that if there is no communication in a marriage about the basics such as bill paying house payments insurance, etc. and an equal say there will be a disaster. As you can see, I have been at this for quite a while. You are probably wondering why I am still at it. One, because I do love him and regardless right now it would be ridiculous financially to divorce a person, two people would lose alot of money. He has stated that he would make me pay and all of those fancy words, but he obviously has been seriously bruised before me. I do take care of all of our bills of current. It is like father daughter. I make sure the amounts are correct. Pay them then he reviews them and signs them. I feel like I am in Kindergarten. I am allowing it so can only blame myself.
I do have a debit card and he knows this so I am able to pick up his things that he needs. I am a big time enabler. I just to things for people. That way I can get things for dinner etc. without the money issue. I brought in a considerable amount of money into the marriage, and wrote a cashier's check for $20,000 to Subaru for our car with a small car payment. Of course the car is in his name. You are probably wondering what is wrong with this woman. My mother was an alcoholic, I am now understanding what I have done all of my life with people. Give, and be nice, sometimes too nice. People that are users of people will see this and grab onto it very tight.
I do not believe he is going through a mid life crisis. If he is he is an incredible liar. Well I know he is a liar already over other things so that would not surprise me. He is quiet. Never speaks his emotions. We have anniversaries that come and go without acknowledgment. I am at the point where really I am not hurt it just is what it is. We are companions at camping and activities. That is the one positive. When you say counselling is the last course then I should have been divorced in 2003. I am a woman that works hard and will not put up with this for long. How many people get laid off and just do not look for work. I would not consider that. Again, he does not support me. I just do not make the insane amount of $275,000 like he does. QUESTION NUMBER 1: Do you know in Washington State if I have been a part of the household since 2001 and we were married in 2002 and he purchased it in 1997, that I would receive 1/2 of the equity since community property assets were used to pay the mortgage etc.? That would be great if you could answer that and if you could answer this question. QUESTION #2: With the information that I have given you and this is not cast in stone, just a random answer what is your feeling, do you feel like I do that he is trying to get out of working and then he will be too old eventually to work? His sister says that he was very very lazy when he was growing.   up. His first real job was when he was 30. He purchased his first piece of real estate when he was 45. He has had plenty of opportunity to become financial secure. I am the one in the marriage that is saving money here and there. Thank you   To put it bluntly, the way he spends money, we take out $3,000 a month in addition to his $2,400 a month for unemployment. I have not purchased a stitch of clothing other than at the Value Village. One of us is on the train tracks the other is waiting for a crash.    Thank you for your help and if you could answer the two questions mentioned above I would appreciate it. Again, I have labelled them Question #1 and Question #2, Thank you. I do disagree with you that counselling is the end all. It can be the last resort, but that is depending on the counselor. I know a counselor here in woodinville, that is actually saving marriages and the costs of attorney's because of today's economy. I don't think people realize the cost of raising a child today. My boys are 21 and 26. I put them through school with my savings from years as a series 7 licensed banker. D.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.

I'd like to try to help you and if you can answer just a few questions for me, I'd appreciate it.

You mentioned that he is 58, and may I ask your age?

How did the two of you meet, and what made you fall in love with him and want to marry him?

You mentioned that you are companions when you go camping and do activities and that's one of the few positives in your married life; does he seem happiest doing these activities? Is he more communicative when you do them?

Do you still enjoy being intimate with each other?

Thanks for all your additional detail.