How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Cher Your Own Question
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21417
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Cher is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

my wife was sexually abused brutally as a child by her step

This answer was rated:

my wife was sexually abused "brutally" as a child by her step father. i tried to have a threesome with her in oct. 08, and in april 09 she tells me that we're done because of it. I have apologized to no end about the attempted threesome, and even told her two days after the event that i was so sorry, it wasnt her fault, i could never share her. Now she tells me that i am abusive to her, emotionally and mentally, and i have never been. I worked two jobs while she stayed home for four years with our daughter, and i did grow slightly neglectful of her from about march 09 till April. I was always worn out and so was she. She sees the worst in everything always, and blames me for everything now. She is now seeing a therapist, but that seems to be making it worse. She's tried to kill herself twice in July09. She had an affair in May 09 and tried to keep the affair going. Is there any hope for my marriage at this point? She hates me and wants a divorce. She wont let me say a word.
Hi, davidlee, and thanks for your question.

How long have you been married?

How did the threesome come about? Did you discuss it with your wife in advance, or 'surprise' her, and was it with a second man or woman?

Why did she wait 6 months to tell you your marriage is over, due to the attempted threesome?

How old is your daughter?

Have you seen a therapist yourself, or ever gone to marriage counseling with your wife?

Thanks for all your additional details.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Married 8 years, together 12. Threesome came about out of my fantasy, and it involved a man. Nothing homosexual. My wife and I had watched some porno movies and after watching it a couple times (two men one woman) she kinda took a liking to it. I told her i'd like to do that with my best friend Kenny. At first she said no, not with him! And she wanted to just go to a random bar and pick up a man. I told her it would have to be with Kenny cause i trust him and I woudlnt worry about anything afterward. We went on a fishing trip, meeting kenny out at the beach, and I asked my wife if she wanted to that night. Shesaid "ahhh, but its kenny". Once again I told her that thats the only person i could do it with, and she agreed with me. It basically went to first base, then we (my wife and I) wanted to go to a hotel. Kenny said he was time restricted and he couldnt. He wanted to do it in the car. Wife said no. I said "not in the car?" she said no, lets get a hotel. Kenny said he couldnt again and lets do it in the car. He was in the back, my wife in front. I said to her "why dont you go back there and play with him a little". She said again, not in the car. He said he coudnt go to a hotel room, so we packed up and went home. On the way home she called him 4 times almost begging him to just come to our house on his way home then. And that was something we both said we woudlnt do, at our home. I think she waited six months to tell me, I have no idea why. Shes never been a great communicator. She went on a trip to arizona for a week alone in april, and at the end of her trip, she called me and told me she was done with me. When she came back, she called and asked to be picked up at the airport. I aksed if she wanted me to get her mom or step dad (second step dad, not the abuser) to pick her up, she said that I could get her. I dressed in a suit, brought roses, and dressed daughter up (Shes 4) and got her flowers for mommy. And that is one of the biggest things she says now was mentally and emotionally abusive of me. To pick her up and make her mind go "topsy turvy". That same night i picked her up, she told me that she had had a crush on the neighbor for 5 months. And she started freaking out saying my mother said she was going to kill her, and that she was scared. Told me that my mother had nanny cameras around the house, and she was sick cause she liked to watch us have sex. She told me that same night also that the neighbor she had a crush on that she had never talked to him, but wrote a letter that night saying: Jason,this may seem strange, but I think my mother in law is trying to kill me and my husband has a child with another woman and left it on his back doorstep. Very weird. All this is so strange to me like a mental problem. I asked her if we could at least see a marriage counsleor, she agreed reluctantly. Second week of the marriage counseling, 4/28/09, the counselor starting realizing an oddity with my wife. How she acted and stuff. She asked my wife if anythign had happened to her as a child, and my wife told her what happened. Other than that counselor, I was the only one she told ever. Then, on 5/1/09, she was crying in bed at night, and i asked what was wrong. She told me she couldnt get the picture of walking in on her step dad and her sister being raped out of her head. (my wife was like 8 or 9, her sister was 12 or so. He did this to both of them, and my wifes sister did come out and tell thats how it stopped. But my wife always denied that he did anything to her, even to her family) She said she had to get out of our house for a bit and went to her moms. She came home about 2 hours later, pissed at me, telling me that I was mentally abusive to her and how much i abuse her. I was shocked. It just seemed strange to me that she finally comes out with what happened to her, then crying and was having flashbacks of one of the things she saw, then comes home and now im an abuser. (she alwasy blames me picking her up at the airport, and the threesome attempt.) She had the affair, with the neighbor, the next night, 5/2. There is so much more to this story its nuts. If you have any more questions i'll answer anything. Im so confused. And yes, I am seeing a therapist alone now, and she is as well. But I dont think shes giving the therapist the whole story. Thanks.
Hi again, David, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

What you describe is a very involved and multi-faceted scenario, so I don't blame you for being confused. There are many things that don't 'add up', and I do agree with you, that she may not be telling the therapist everything.

It sounds like she is taking out her misplaced aggression and frustration re: the awful thing that happened to her in her past, on you, but why it's happening at this particular time is curious. One theory could be that the failed threesome sparked some bad memory, and because Kenny refused to stay, this may have made her feel undesirable and frustrated.

She's trying to deal with, and heal her old wounds, and it sounds like some of her actions and words are irrational, due to this difficult emotional process. If the therapist may not know the whole story and you have not seen a positive change in her since she began therapy, it's possible that a more 'proactive' plan is necessary. It would be a good idea for her to start seeing a Board Certified psychologist or psychiatrist who has experience in treating women with sexual abuse in their past. It also may be necessary for her to be prescribed medication, if the therapist decides this will be helpful.

Hypnotherapy may be another route to pursue, in order for her to get it all out, about her past, and then she will have this weight lifted and feel more positive about herself.

I'm not quite sure why your kind and loving behavior on the night you picked her up from the airport with your daughter, was interpreted by her as being emotionally and mentally abusive of you. The talk about your mother and other things she has said, do not sound rational, and that's why I recommend an experienced psychologist or psychiatrist to work with her and try to get to the bottom of these behaviors, emerging just within the recent past. I do believe the driving factor is her early sexual abuse, and I also think she feels guilty about walking in on her sister and not saying anything about her stepdad abusing both her and her sister.

She's turning on you because you're the closest to her, emotionally, being her husband. Try to get her the help she so sorely needs, now, and continue to be there for her. Take everything she says with a grain of salt, because it's not the 'real' her speaking, it's the hurt, scared little girl who was abused. She needs to receive the proper therapy and tools to deal with this abuse and put it behind her.

I wish you both much good luck and hope you see a positive change, as soon as possible, but these things do take time, so continue to be patient with her.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
thanks i'd love ot tell you more, it makes me feel better. :D I love her to death but she insists that Im a terrible person, a terrible lover, a terrible everything but father. She has pushed me to now kick her out of the apartment we live in, and divorce her soon. I try to be there for her, and not let stuff bother me, but the hate just radiates out of her. Her whole family sees it, and she says ive brainwashed them into being that way. She's pushed me away too often now, we tried to make it work after her affair that lasted a week and a half, because the other man ended it. She came back to me, and i was a mess (depression, low self esteem, etc.). She was trying to work it out, but I kept nagging at her about what she did to me. She said we should seperate, so we did. The day after we seperate, pure hatred from her again. Then she came back, again, and everythig was really going really good for aweek, then blam. The sex with me is terrible, yada yada yada, its over she says. Then 4 days later i find out shes been texting, calling and emailing the other man the whole time. What the hell. Why do i still care? hehe. I'll be okay though, i have my little girl. But i hate that I still love my wife and already im hoping that in the future she'll realize what shes done adn come back unconditionally. Ahh well. Im a dreamer. Thanks for your feedback. :D
Hi again, and you're most welcome; thanks very much for your reply and your accept.

I'm glad talking this out has helped you feel better.

Until she is better, emotionally, as much as you love her, you can't let her bring you down with her, so living apart is best for the time being. I hope your daughter hasn't been adversely affected in all this. Hopefully, she knows nothing!

You're not a dreamer with false hopes; it's possible you might reconcile, but only after she gets better. If she can't or doesn't want to get better, you need to preserve your own sanity and can't be her personal punching bag, so you are not doing anything wrong in separating from her.

You're in a very difficult situation and trying to deal with it the best you know how, and I think you've been very patient and supportive of her throughout all this.

I wish you nothing but the best!