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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21333
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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im 36, divorced. i love my girlfriend (29) of 5 years. weve

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i'm 36, divorced. i love my girlfriend (29) of 5 years. we've this year been through a bad patch where it felt over. we talked about it recently, and decided we wanted each other. things have been great since. however, she has developed a friendship with a man we both know who is 20 years+ older than her. she likes his company, assures me there is no attraction other than friendship and never would be more - she sees him as a second dad. she assures me she loves me and wants a future with me. Our relationshop was now moving rapidly in the right direction after months of doom, but i've become very jealous over her new friendship as she likes to spend time with him occasionally. and they text and email each other. over the past couple of days she and he have emailed each other. i tried to snoop on her emails but broke her email account. i had to confess to her, and have now lost her trust. she's never given me cause to doubt her. how can i cure my jealousy & rescue the relationship?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello,Customer and thanks for your question.

While your feelings of jealousy caused you to try to snoop in her emails, and then forced you to come clean, the fact that you were honest with her, is a good thing.

If you know you have nothing to fear re: her relationship with this older man, she only actually sees him occasionally, and you she's never given you cause to doubt her fidelity in the past, you're going to have to put this man out of your mind, and not think about his friendship with her, at all. Trust is the most important issue in your situation, and also is a key component in any relationship; you need to win back her trust, and trust that she will not jeopardize your relationship by taking her friendship with this older man in any other direction.

At this particular time, you need to apologize again, if that is what she wants, be honest and 'from the heart', and tell her you're so sorry your jealousy got the best of you, but her friendship with this man is upsetting to you and if she seems amenable and sympathetic to what you're saying, ask her if she would consider not seeing him and/or not emailing him as often as she does now. If she responds, that's not possible, or I don't know what you're jealous about, we're 'just friends', he's old enough to be my father, etc., don't push it, and again, just be contrite about what you did re: her email. That really IS quite a violation of privacy and trust, when you're in a relationship.

I think with time, she will hopefully, forgive you, but you have to regain her trust by being a 'boy scout' from now on, give her no reason to mistrust you or question any of your actions. I know it will be difficult, but if you love each other and want to rescue this relationship, as you mentioned, this is the best way to go about it.

If you feel you need an experienced counselor to help you get over this hurdle, discuss it with her, and if she's willing, make an appointment to see a couples counselor in person, to talk out the problems (past and present) in your relationship. This is a good way to get everything 'out on the table' and get an unbiased opinion from a professional who is experienced in this field, and who can guide you toward the best solutions for each problem that comes (has come) up.

I wish you only the best and hope things work out well.


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