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Ask Cher Your Own Question
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21387
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Ive been in love with this man for a year now. We started

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I've been in love with this man for a year now. We started off as friends. He warned me that he moves very slow in a relationship. About 5 months later he decided he wanted to have a deeper relationship with me. We became intimate. He seemed like he wanted to see me all of the time and are times together were amazing. He told me he had never felt this way about anyone before. I am 46 and he is 56. He' s a quiet, somewhat private man. He was in a long marriage but his ex-wife had many affairs. His last girldfriend also cheated on him. He's only had these two relationships besides me. Anyway a few months ago he told me that he felt uneasy that I seemed be more and more attatched to him and he just wasn't there yet. I was surprised because he seemed like he was becoming very emotionally attatched to me. We have been just friends since but I still love him and want more. At times he seems like he does to. Should I just end it with him for good?I keep hoping he will come around
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi Annielou, and thanks for your question.

From your description of the situation, it sounds like you are a patient person, as you were waiting for him to make the first move toward intimacy and a more involved relationship from the beginning, when you started out as friends, so I'd give this a little more time before deciding to not pursue the relationship, further.

It's possible that because you had gotten closer, he is afraid to move forward with the romantic relationship, because he has been 'burned' in the past by his ex-wife and last girlfriend. He may think that because you're 'falling' for each other, he might lose you, too. He certainly was forthcoming in telling you he moves 'slowly' in a relationship, and he was true to his word. No one should be 'afraid' of emotional attachment, but he may be holding back as a defense mechanism to protect himself, so he can't get hurt again.

If it's been a few months since he told you this, and you're back to being just friends, ask him if he's ready to become 'romantic' again, because you miss that part of your relationship. Ask him why he told you he wasn't 'there' yet, when he seemed (seems) to be as happy with you, as you are with him. Ask him if he's afraid to get closer to you, based upon his past negative experiences with women. See what he has to say; if you're 'friends' and know each other well, he should feel comfortable enough discussing this with you. If he seems uncomfortable, don't push it, and tell him you will be here for him, if he wants to 'talk'.

If, after another month or so, he doesn't seem to be coming around and hasn't talked to you about why, you might consider dating others, and keeping him as a friend, if you wish. You need to consider your own happiness and feelings, as well as his, and if you want a 'dating' relationship including intimacy, and he can't give it to you, you'll need to date others. Tell him you're willing to 'work' with him on this moving slowly re: emotional attachment, but ask him to consider your feelings, as well. It might be a good idea to go to a couples counselor, if he's willing, to get to the bottom of this problem, if he IS afraid of getting hurt again, and that's why he pulled back, when you seemed to be doing so well, together.

I wish you all the best, XXXXX XXXXX things work out the way you'd like.

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