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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21336
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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A few years ago I remember a certain thing my brother did where

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A few years ago I remember a certain thing my brother did where he invited me down to his room with him and one of his friends. Then humiliated me to a point where i still havent recovered. He knew a secret about me that I wouldnt want anyone to know about, let alone one of his friends that i barely knew. so he basicaly announced it while giving me a discusted look like I offended him and wasnt welcome there even though he asked me to come down. The next day he tried talking to me like nothing happened but he was talking down to me like i was some pathetic thing(I think thats what he wants me to be) and trying to give me some charity attention.So naturaly i was mad and ignored him. So he flipped out and started calling me a peice of shit etc..and when i started crying he actualy started mocking me like he was mad that i was crying.I mean MAD like i just killed his favorite pet, it wasnt natural.Now 4 years later im 20 and its like ive stopped living my life since then.What should I do
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello,Customer and thanks for your question.

When this thing took place, you were about 16?

How old is your brother now?

Do you still live in the same house with your brother, or do you live on your own?

Did anyone else (like your parents or other siblings) see/hear your brother's bad treatment of you the next day?

What has your relationship been like with your brother, over the past 4 years? Do you still speak/see each other, or do you not really have a relationship with him?

Are either of you married, have children, etc.?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

1. yea 16

2. right now he's 29

3. We both live in our parents house

4. No one saw it the next day, though a few weeks later my mother was in the next room when he kicked me in the chest for disagreeing with him

5. I still talk to him, but I dont want to. Every time I do I feel like im being disrespected just for having him force a relationship on me. Up untill a few months ago, he'd put off like he's a saint to me around other family members and that he's a great person for being so good to "pathetic little me". Its stopped since then because Ive told everyone that its an act and I realy dont like him. But I still feel like I can't be the way I want to be because he's there. Almost like I was brainwashed or something. The other day my sister asked me why Ive seemed to have lost so much interest in being an uncle to her kids and I didn't tell her then but its because of my brother. As long as he's there I just feel like I can't be the person I want to be. Ive alienated my family. Stopped hanging out with my friends. I pretty much have no life now. And I even seem to acting like my brother towards others occasionaly.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

It's a shame that your brother humiliated you in that way, and unless you talk out your differences with him (not specifically about that incident, but about the way he seems to treat you in general), I don't think you will ever have a good relationship with him. If you don't want to really maintain a relationship with him, that's understandable and you are certainly not to be faulted, but he needs to be told that the way he treats people, especially people in his own family, is not right, and he should attempt to correct this behavior.

While I understand how this action on your brother's part, years ago, has adversely affected you, and you had every reason to feel so badly, you can't allow this one incident (or your brother's treatment of you, in general) to so badly affect your life. You're young, you have so much ahead of you, and you need to pull upon your inner strength to put this incident in your past and concentrate on moving forward in life, with a positive attitude.

You are the only one that can accomplish this, for yourself. You need to take back your life, start interacting with friends again, and catch yourself before you start acting like your brother towards others. Your actions towards others, similar to the way your brother treated you, is not surprising. He was emotionally and physically abusive to you, and you are the better person.

Don't let him ruin your relationship with your sister's family and your nieces and nephews. You're their uncle and they look up to you. If you enjoy being with them, you shouldn't deprive yourself of this and shouldn't deprive them of having their uncle.

I think you would feel much better if you unburdened yourself to a professional counselor, in person, and got some useful emotional 'devices' to use to help you conquer these feelings. I also think you should tell your sister what has been bothering you all these years, if you're close with her (you might consider telling your parents, too). I'm sure she would understand, after hearing how badly your brother treated/treats you. It's really sad when a family member treats another like this. Your family is supposed to be your source of 'security' and the only ones you can feel comfortable confiding in and looking to, for support.

Also, if you're feeling so depressed about this incident and about your life now, due to your brother's treatment of you, your doctor or therapist may recommend an anti-depressant medication to help you feel better, if it's warranted.

Allowing your brother to see you act like this, with little interest in doing anything, is probably pleasing to him, as sad as that is, so you'd be proving his behavior can't affect you anymore, by starting to live your life on your own terms, again. That will make him see that he doesn't have any control over you and his words/actions can't hurt you anymore. Picture yourself as Superman--all his bad behavior/words/treatment just bounce off your chest, like bullets bounced off Superman's.

I hope things improve for you soon!

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