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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21388
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hi, my partner has told me its over cos he feels like he is

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Hi, my partner has told me its over cos he feels like he is holding me back and that he feels like there is a power struggle bt me and his ex. He has a 5yr old from his past r'ship and his ex sometimes makes it difficult for us. We both really love each other and want to be together but he just cant sees how it will work. How can I reaffirn to him that hes not holding me back and I want him. I havent always been the most understanding about his ex and have sometimes give him a hard time about it but I am willing to move on from this. Other problem is that he has just recently started work again after a period of unemployment and hes broke so he has to stay here with me until he gets on his feet. I want to know if there is any hope for us and if hes in love, with some time could we get back together?
Hello, and thanks for your question.

If you are both in love with each other and feel you are meant to be together, you can overcome the present problems. Since you said you feel badly that you've given him some problems regarding his ex, etc., you can tell him you realize he does love you with all his heart and you will not give him trouble about his ex in the future.

If he told you he feels like he's holding you back and you know he's not and want him to remain with you and in this relationship, tell him so. He also may feel like he's less of a man, because he had a period of unemployment and now is first trying to get back on his feet; the fact that he is staying with you is good, so you can help him bolster his self-confidence, and give him all the love and support he will need right now.

Any relationship needs work to ensure it's success, and if you continue to let him know in words and actions, that you love him and don't want to be apart from him, tell him if he allows your relationship another chance, he will be happy he did. You can't exactly break up if he's living with you, right?

I wish you much good luck and hope things work out the way you want them to.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks for that. Its reassuring to know that it may be saved. My main fear is that when he was saying we should break up, I was giving solutions and things we could do to try but he puts up barriers and says that that will never work or the problem with his ex and his daughter will always cause problems. He feels torn between 2 relationships at the moment because he wants to love me but at the same time doesnt want to make his daughter feel unloved. He feels guilty that her mum and dad are not together anymore and does anything for her. I personally think he is a little depressed as his personality has changed so much recently and no matter how much I try to be there for him and look after him, he sometimes feels like he is being controlled. Im a teacher so Im off work for 7 wks now and I am going away on trips for 2/3 weeks now partly to see friends and partly to give us space. Do you think this will help us?
Hi again, and you're most welcome.

Thanks for your reply with additional information, so I can understand more details about your situation.

I think he's having a hard time distinguishing between keeping his daughter happy, yet grounded (not spoiling her, which a lot of single dads do), and dealing with his ex. If he said to you that whatever you suggested will never work, because the problem with his ex and his daughter will always cause problems, he's *allowing* this to cause problems.

His love for you and his love for his daughter are two different things, and many single dads go on to develop successful relationships, while at the same time being excellent parents to their children. If he feels guilty regarding his daughter, because her parents are no longer together, he is doing her a great disservice by giving her anything, and she will grow up very demanding, spoiled, and find it difficult to form lasting relationships of her own.

I agree with you, that he does sound depressed and very conflicted about how to make his daughter know he loves her and take away the guilt that he and her mother are no longer together. They obviously separated for a reason, and weren't happy together. It would be a good idea if he sought some professional in person counseling, to help him with his present situation and feelings. And, he has to learn to not spoil his daughter. If he has so much guilt about not being with her mother, a professional therapist will help him understand why he feels this way and what he can do to alleviate those feelings.

I do think the trips you have planned will help, because he needs alone time, to figure this all out; however, before you leave, try to help him find a counselor he can talk it all out with and receive some positive actions and direction to follow, to help himself. Be sure to keep in contact with him, tell him you'll always be there for him, to discuss what's on his mind, and although you'll miss him, you feel that taking your vacation now, is best for you both, especially because you don't have work until the new term begins, and he needs to sort things out.

If he tells you he loves you and wants to continue the relationship, his ex and his daughter are not reasons to break up. His ex should be out of his life, and only in it, when they need to discuss anything related to his daughter. His daughter deserves his full attention whenever she's with him, but he has to treat her 'normally', not out of guilt, due to the circumstances. He can tell her "Mum and Dad don't live together anymore, but we both still love you more than ever, and always will".

I hope things work out, and try to have a good time on your holiday.

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