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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Hi, I have just started a new relationship with a girl that

Customer Question

Hi, I have just started a new relationship with a girl that I truly like so far. Recently during our first sexual encounter I believe too much wine and a case of food poisoning (which I didnt realize until later) caught me off guard and I was not erect which was embarassing but she is understanding and we got over that. The problem now I think is that I have performance anxiety when in bed partly because of that incident as well as the fact that I know she's been with more sexual partners than I have and i am nervous about not performing to her standards. I know that she likes me quite a bit as well and that sex can get better over time with someone but any suggestions on how to overcome this hurdle? Thank you.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


There are four things you have to consider before you can find a solution: Identify any problematic thinking that may be a trigger then ask yourself why you feel so frightened, don't be critical of yourself, also be prepared and look into some effective relaxation techniques to cure your performance anxiety for good. To control your fear, and effectively rid yourself of your panic and anxiety, you have to come to terms with what it is that triggers your sexual performance anxiety, in which situations they happen and how they unfold. Trying doing breathing exercises that will help you to calm down and allows you to have a positive energy. Sit down before sexual encounters or everyday, breathe deeply and slowly and try to relax every muscle in your body. If it works for you, listen to a CD with relaxing music or one of those spoken word guides that makes you relaxed. When, and only when, you are fully relaxed, try to slowly walk through the path you took to explore your fears.


Focus on keeping your breathe slow and deep, and to remain calm and relaxed at every point. If the thought you have provokes even the slightest tenseness or stress, back away from them and focus on the calm.The point of this exercise is not to dive head first into your fears, but to gently approach them while in a relaxed state. If, during your first tries, you do not succeed, give yourself a few days to get used to doing the exercises. Controlling your fear isn't something to be done in a day, but rather something you will have to work on during some time. Also you have to stop thinking about her sexual experience this is what is causing most of the stress because you feel like she has more experience and has had some good partners when the face of the matter may be that she might have had many partners they may not have had the emotional attachment that you have with and may not have made her feel special the way you have. This is the prime example of not telling your current mate about your past sexual experiences it's not important to know that you have to live in the moment and not the past.