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Ask Cher Your Own Question
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21389
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Customer Question

Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.

How can I help you?

Are you having a relationship crisis?

Please provide more details about your situation and I will be happy to help.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I lied to my girlfriend about a month ago foolishly. Basically, I said something and it came out wrong and I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. A few days ago I felt that I needed to come clean and told her the truth. She told me she doesn't trust me anymore... but she will be able to overtime. Our relationship was very strong and it still is. She means everything to me and I know that I am very important to her as well. We go to the same college and live very close to each other but right now we are on summer break and are living in different states.

I kinda just need to know what to do.... How to act.. How to feel... What to talk to her about...

Do you have any advice?
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

Now that I know what your situation is, I would just like to ask a few more questions.

How long have you been going out with your girlfriend?

Can you tell me what it was that you lied about?

Are you in constant touch, by phone, email, etc., now that school is over for the summer, and you are physically apart?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We have been dating for about 5 months.

I can't tell you exactly what I lied about but it was something that turned out to be kinda big... It was more the fact that I betrayed her trust... Which she tells me she is really hard to earn.

She told me she wants to stay together and can't afford to lose me.

Yes we are physically apart by like 2000 miles. We are constantly in touch through text messaging, phone, email, skype etc...

We do have plans to see each other for at least a few days every month. So far the plans have followed through as I went to see her about a week ago
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

You're very lucky that she stated she would be able to get over this situation, in time, and that she wants to stay together and can't afford to lose you. Betraying her trust really IS a biggie, so I'm happy for you, that you relationship is still going strong, and you already saw her, recently. I know how hard it must be to not see each other, after being together at school, probably every day.

For the time being, I think you're doing everything RIGHT; you're being yourself, which is who she was attracted to, in the first place, you're continuing to communicate often, and this is 'key' to a successful relationship, and I'm sure you've been contrite and she knows how much it affected you to not be truthful with her.

I would not advise bringing the subject up again, and hopefully, it will 'fade away'. If she brings it up, just repeat how sorry you were you made an error in judgment, and it will never happen again. Tell her how important her trust is to you, and you will do everything in your power to win it back, with your future actions. Continue to be kind, thoughtful, honest, and loving with her to let her know how much you care, and hopefully, when you return to school by next semester, everything will be as usual.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Sometimes I am worried about texting her too much or being "too thoughtful"...

How often should I talk to her?

Do you have any long distance relationship advice?
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

If you feel you're texting her too much or being 'too thoughtful', dial back the texting, but make each text more meaningful, so she looks forward to them and it really makes her happy when she gets them.

I don't know what your frequency of talking is now, but I think once a day, by phone, is sufficient. If you feel that's too much, then, every other day, especially if you're still texting and emailing. Actually, you should talk to her when you feel like talking to her, and it shouldn't be 'forced'; at the same time, you don't want to think you're not thinking about her and 'wanting' to talk to her.

Long distance relationship advice: I've found that when you're not with the person you care for, you tend to open up more, and share things you might not necessarily share, if you were seeing each other face to face, every day. I'm assuming this was how often you saw her at school, but if you were both busy with your classes, etc., you might not have seen her every day. When you communicate by email, text, and phone, sometimes things can be 'misconstrued', because you can't look into a person's face and see their expression, so keep this in mind and don't say anything that has the 'potential' to be misunderstood.

Women love to receive calls, cards, email, etc., as this indicates their boyfriend is thinking about them, so if she likes this, gauge how she reacts when you call/text, etc., and also as I mentioned, don't do it if it feels like a 'chore'; do what comes naturally, but don't allow her to doubt your feelings for her.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Ok... Well with regaining trust...

I've heard that it can be really hard long distance... or even at all...

Is it possible to fully regain someones trust?
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again,

Only your actions now, and in the future, will prove to her that you can be trusted, completely. It's possible to regain someone's trust, but only after enough time elapses, that there is more time of trustworthy acts between you, than the occurrence of the original 'deed' of mistrust/betrayal.

It's possible that she will decide to trust you again, but that one misdeed will most likely always be in the back of her mind. Hopefully, it won't surface frequently, after enough time has passed.

Sometimes, if the cause of betrayal was related to being unfaithful, being apart might take a toll, but if you are sincere in your communications and only give her reasons to want to continue trusting you, the distance shouldn't matter. Especially if you're planning on seeing each other in person again, in a few weeks.


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