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I have been seeing my ex-fiancee for the past few months. We

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were engaged about 15 years...
I have been seeing my ex-fiancee for the past few months. We were engaged about 15 years ago. I live in another state where he owns a business so he is in my area about every 3 weeks. He thought about calling me when he was separated from his wife but decided to wait until the divorce was final. That was over a year ago. Even though he divorced her, he seems really shaken by all of it. They have two small children and has joint custody. His ex-wife is bipolor. I thought everything seemed fine until he started retreating. Suddenly I didn't hear from him. Finally we spoke and he said he couldn't have a relationship with me right now because he couldn't add anyone new into his circle. He just couldn't handle it. I feel so lost that he didn't think I would notice or be effected by this. Now I can't stop thinking about him and I am worried that I will not recover from this should he not come back. I am so shocked by his behaivor that I don't know what to say or how to get him out of my head
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 40 minutes by:
6/21/2009
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Customer

 

It seems like he may have had second thought about leaving his wife and family. His wife might be holding something over his head like the children or threatening to harm herself, if he is a good father he may have missed his children and saw that it affected them (him leaving) so he made the hard decision to go back, these are just scenarios that may have made him go back to his wife and children. He may be mainly thinking about his children and how they would react knowing you are seeing him and that their parents may never get back together. If you still have questions you need answered then I would talk to him about the reasons he left and if you should move on. Moving on after a break up is difficult enough without adding the way he broke it off with you. Don't let this break up disrupt your whole life get out with friend and enjoy yourself do something that helps you to preoccupy your time. Work more so that you aren't sitting at home thinking about him and him breaking up with you.

 

Although he didn't technically break up with you it seems that is what he was trying to say in a round about way. With all the thoughts and emotions, it is hard to be focused on anything else but you have to bring yourself to do that, as hard as it may seem it's important for you to not linger on waiting for him to come back because you may find yourself waiting a very long time especially when it comes to his children. Remember the things you loved and did before you started dating him. What was your world like before you started going out? If you have dropped a few hobbies, pick them up again and friends you haven't seen in a while, go visit them. Now is the time to start taking baby steps towards healing form the break up. You only live once and now is the time to experience anything you wanted to do in life but held off on it. Don't let this break up break you.

 

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Before we saw each other the first time he said he was beginning to feel "empty" like he felt before he met his wife. He said his relationship with her wasn't right. They didn't have the same values,core beliefs and outlook on the world.He wanted to make sure we were doing this for the right reasons and he didn't want to make the same mistake again. Especially when he felt so needy. He said he was afraid if he saw me he would fall too quickly. So at first I said to take his time and see me when he felt he was ready. He went ahead and saw me anyway thinking it would be ok. He was very stresses when I did see him but I made him smile and have fun. I know he felt safe with me. So I thought maybe it would be ok and we would get through it.
He didn't go back to his wife...he said the divorce was the only was to stop the madness. He is having some serious issues with her at the moment. He said he was reevaluating his life. And couldn't have a relationship right now and add someone new into his circle.
We were just having so much fun and I can't believe it had to stop all of a sudden. He compared me to his best friend Ed the last time we were together and said "I always have a great time with you. Well, and Ed too." But he did say if we were to sleep together, we would be starting a relationship. I was trying to move slowly and not sleep with him too soon. But everytime I saw him he would ask. So I wondered if he backed off because he didn't want to get involved.
I just know from mutual friends, I am someone he has always regreted not marrying. So I know that I have been missed and that's why the sudden change has me so confused. I am trying to move on and do things I did before him. Even trying some online dating but he has my heart. I just realized as this got started, I have always loved him and now I don't know how to let those feelings go. I have this gut feeling this isn't over but I want to be cautious and not be looking through "rose colored glasses" either.I just know that I am so attracted to him and we have such strong chemistry that I'm not sure how you replace that. How can I recover from this? I'm afraid of a rebound but I want to be happy also and like you said not hold my breath that he is coming back. I just feel so anxious and wish I could get him out of my head. I think about him all the time and miss him.
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

I would really suggest being his friend until the divorce is final he may think that everything at once is overwhelming and he doesn't want to chase you away with his problems with his wife and the fact that he is still married and cannot give you his full attention yet. He needs time to find closure in the marriage and the only way he can do that is to get the divorce and finally be free I think once he is free from his wife he will come back to you ready to start a long term relationship with you but you may have to patiently wait for him. He backed off for a reason and since you are someone he often thought about and wanted to be with I could not imaging him purposely turning you away after know he finally has a chance to have everything he has ever wanted plus his wife may be threatening to say that he was already seeing someone during the divorce proceedings so just give him time to close this old chapter in his life in order to start a new one with you. Don't lose contact with him stay in his life even if it's only as friends for the time being he will appreciate that you still want to be there for him and you haven't walked away.

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Ok, Kimberly....you have made me feel much better but...HE ISN"T STILL MARRIED!
He has been divorced for the past year and a half. So he isn't married any longer. I would never have seen him if he was still married!

I know that all of this is overwhelming to him and caring for his two children is very time consuming. His ex-wife isn't much of a mother from what he has told me. So he really tries to make sure he is a good dad.I think he thought that this would all be easier once the divorce was final but I think he is finding out it isn't.

I told him he needs to find humor in this since his ex-wife is never going away. I said be glad when you go home she isn't there. He said he was reeling from the verocity of the mistake he made marrying her.
So I know that he is in a bad place right now.

But,I just was shocked that he retreated and didn't say anything to me. Maybe he just was so overwhelmed he couldn't tell me?
When I spoke to him he sounded really down. So I know it's better if we aren't together at the moment. I told him if he wanted to talk to call me. And that I felt I was back in his life for a reason.

Should I just let him go and maybe he will miss me? Or should I send him a text or email from time to time? I don't know what to do. I don't want to make him feel like I am pressuring him either. What advise can you give me?
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

I'm sorry I thought you said he was still married to his wife, sorry for the mistake. Like you said there is a reason that God put you back into his life so don't dessert him when he needs you the most, even though he has some what pushed you away you should still be there for him as a friend until he is ready to take the relationship to another level. I would say to give him time and maybe call every few days just to let him know you are still there for him. This is just going to take some time and patience on your part but you also have to know when you have waited too long also, I would give him a time period of six months at the longest then ask him where you stand so you know if you should move on or stay and fight for him. If he tells you to move on then do so and hope that he misses you too much to let you go again. He may be afraid to be a failure at love again and this may be why he is retreating away from you.

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Kimberly
thanks so much for your advise... I feel so much better.
I feel that this isn't the ending, perhaps it's just the beginning. I am certain I came back into his life for a reason the circumstances of all of this were just too unusual for it not to be a God thing.

I think I really want to stay back and let him figure out what he wants to do so perhaps he will start to miss me. But maybe if I don't hear form him in a month or so I will send him a text or email to let him know I am thinking of him.

Like I said before,I know he has missed me for a very long time, that when he retreated this time I was a bit shocked.

Since I live in a different state and that's where his business is he will have to decide if he should relocate. I know he has been thinking about it but wasn't sure what to do. His children would then be long distance and I'm not sure he should leave them right now since his ex wifes mood swings etc change often.

We have lots to work out should this all come about but I think it's workable.
I will give this 6 months and then decide if I should move on.
thanks again
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

Very good idea about waiting a month and then write him an email or text him telling him you are thinking about him and missing him. Try to keep the lines of communication open during this time you are giving him to figure things out so that when he is ready to come back he won't find it awkward doing so. It sounds like you know exactly what you want and will wait to get it, good for you! Good Luck to you.

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