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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21387
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My boyfriend of 9 mos broke up w/me just over 5 wks ago. We

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My boyfriend of 9 mos broke up w/me just over 5 wks ago. We had a very serious relationship & we talked about getting married & having a family almost from the beginning. We didn't just talk about this to one another-we each told our family & friends. We were so happy to have found eachother. We both have successful careers, but I know he still has some aspirations & goals (he works a ton). I just turned 30 (him in 2 mos) & I felt we were on the right path to our future together. He was very emotional when he broke up w/me. He said he was thinking about this for awhile (I'm assuming a month or so) & it had been affecting him physically (anxiety, heartburn, insomnia, etc.) It was a complete shock to me! He said he doesn't know how to make me happy, doesn't deserve me, etc. I don't know why he just didn't come to me w/his feelings instead of ending everything we had. He says he loves & misses me, but can't propose. I still want want him, but he says this is best.I don't understand. Help
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi,Customer and thanks for your question.

I can only imagine what a blow this was to you, especially since there was no behavior leading up to it, which made you suspect anything.

It's possible that he got 'cold feet' all of a sudden, and although he loves you and wants to be with you, the thought of the 'permanence and commitment' of marriage, may have caused him this anxiety. Instead of discussing it with you or taking some time to explore his own feelings, he had a 'fight or flee' response, and chose to 'flee', to alleviate his feelings of anxiety and, perhaps, ambivalence.

I don't doubt, from your description, that he does still love you, but looking down the (immediate?) future road at marriage, may have just caused him to question if this is what he truly wants. He got scared, got 'cold feet', and couldn't bring himself to propose.

If you are still in communication with him, maintain this link with him, because you can never tell what could happen. Ask him if there was anything specific you said/did that caused him to not want to be with you/see you anymore, and get him talking. The more he talks, the more likely he is to pinpoint something more specific, which made him have this change of heart. If you're emailing/texting, sometimes it's easier to write something 'uncomfortable', than to say it face to face or even on the phone, so encourage him with emailing, too.

If you push him gently, to open up, talk, and give you more information about why he chose to break it off with you, he might provide more insight and help you understand better, why he made this decision.

I'm so sorry you got this 'shock', after feeling that everything was going fine with your relationship, but I believe you'll recover and find happiness in the future.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>Thank you. This has been so devasting to me. He has wanted to stay in contact by messaging, calling, asking me to lunch and dinner. I went to lunch w/ him a couple times, but after the second I asked what his intentions were...he said it has been so hard for him too, but that it's still best. I told him it is way too hard for me to be a 'friend' to him right now and that he needs to leave me alone. I was mad at myself for letting him hurt me yet again...he gave me false hope w/ all this contact. I don't understand his feelings and he doesn't explain them to me in a way I can understand, so that is why this is so hard. If we both love and miss eachother...what is the issue?! When I ask him things like this he says I'm blaming and attacking him, so it's hard to talk about what happened. I guess I shouldn't be mad at him for the feelings he has, but it is so hard from my perspective. I followed my heart a few days later and called him to tell him let's not talk about marraige and see how things go...that I missed him, love him, and want to be w/ him. He was uncomfortable w/ the conversation and I haven't heard from him since (it's been a week). I want to move on, but it is so hard. I have been reading alot of books and info on relationships since the break, which has helped and I can identify things now like I lost some of my independence w/ him...another is that men have to know how to accomplish thier professional goals before they can think about marriage...I know that he may not have all this figured out, but then don't talk about wanting to get married, having kids, and taking me to look at rings! Do you think he will ever come around? I know I can't wait around to see, but wonder if this senario has any hope.    </p>
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

I completely agree, that having him ask you to lunch and dinner WAS providing false hope, and I don't blame you for asking him for further explanations re: his actions, and telling him how you feel. He says you were blaming him and attacking him? Blaming, yes! HE broke off the relationship. Attacking? I think that's in his own mind, unless you were yelling/nasty when you were with him after the break up, which I doubt. He's feeling guilty and he's sad also, because I believe him when he says he loves you and misses you, however, I'm so glad to hear that you stood up for yourself and told him how difficult it was to be with him, knowing things were now 'very' changed, in your relationship.

You were very wise to read some books and get a better insight re: how men think regarding marriage, etc. I think when two people are in a serious relationship they each do lose some of their independence, as they become more reliant upon each other.

I agree, that it was like a 'tease', to talk about marriage, kids, and even going so far as to take you to look at rings, and then decide he 'needs more time', so he tells you it would be 'best' if you broke up. He's obviously confused and conflicted about what he wants, and to be honest, if he does come around, I'd be more wary. If a man has a problem with commitment, but then says, okay, now I'm ready....maybe after a few years of marriage he decides, okay, not for me! I know this is an extreme example, but I'm just trying to let you know his 'ambivalence' may extend further, if you do get back together, and you need to be aware of this.

I think you should concentrate on moving on, and continue to read the books you've been reading, to make you realize you did nothing wrong. If you haven't heard from him in a week, although it hurts, I do believe things happen for a reason, so you think of what makes YOU happy, and try to turn your thoughts to other things, and not concentrate on him. I know it's difficult, but you can do it. Take some time to get over him, as long as you need, and then start making social contacts again. I know you feel your feelings are terribly hurt, but as I said, it's all him; you did nothing wrong.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you :) Your insight is what I have felt and what others have told me. It feels good to vent to an outside party, well it feels good to vent period! This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I know it will make me stronger...I just wish that day would come sooner than later UGH. I have already learned a lot about myself and what I would do differently in my next's just disappointing that I am not able to share what I know now w/ him, but I know I can't think like that and I did what I thought was best at the time. The break was good in that aspect and I also do believe things happen for a reason...I just need to get to the point where I can accept that for this situation. Hey, live and learn I guess! Thanks again and have a good night!
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome; thanks very much for your reply and your accept.

I'm glad I could validate what you were feeling/thinking, and I know it's hard, but yes, every experience is a 'learning' experience, (although this time it hurt), but you definitely sound like you're on the right track!

I wish you much good luck!


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