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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ok, I am begining to get really annoyed now, and im questioning

Customer Question

Ok, I am begining to get really annoyed now, and i'm questioning if i should be and could really do with some advice. Keeping a long story short, I have been with my bf for 7.5 years, the thing is i am looking for a bit more than bf and gf. I want to get married in the next couple of years.In all the time I can only ever spend the night on a saturday night even though I see him nearly every night. this year I wanted to know where we were going as a couple as I still was only allowed to stay once a week which I started complaining about and did get really upset about becuase I didnt understand why he only wanted me there once a week for the night. |If he doesnt want to get married fine but why cant I at least spend more than 1 night a week with him. In jan, this year however his friend became ill with cancer - he stopped seeing me as he needed space. I agreed to the space but was not happy with total no contact as we have been together 7 years.I did pop in occasionally with food for him to find he was actually entertaining his friends, not depressed as he told me he was. IHe sauid he could not handle a relationship because of the stress so I agreed to wait until he got his head together. then I found out that he was texting another girl behind my back and finally slept with her whilst I was giving him space. He slept with her in our bed as he cried when I sat down on it. So he couldnt handle a relationship but was having one with her. Heres a bit about his character - I wanted to go to a concert and he did not like the singer so he refused to take me. His friend (a girl) wanted to see a concert and he liked the singer so he took her and refused me?? Im his fiance. He did take me in the end but as I went on about it for ages. Do you think I was selfish and over reacted? Do you think he wanted to have his single life (cake and eat it) and chucked me for another who is younger (she is 21) he is 42 and I am 27 as soon as I started asking about commitment. In other words see how far he could drag it out until I moaned.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Hello Kelly

7.5 years is a very long time to be with someone and not have the relationship move beyond the point of bf/gf and to have him play these silly games with you and not to be honest with you about how he feels about his future. I think it's interesting that he's "seeing" someone else who is the same age as about when the two of you met?

From the beginning he has maintained control by only allowing you to stay the one night a week, which makes no sense to me either considering how long the two of you have been together. In my opinion, given the information you have supplied, if he wanted to marry you, he would have. He doesn't feel the need to do so because he has no fear of losing you or not having you always be there for him, even when he tries to keep you away.

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you need someone who can love you in the way you need to be love, and he's not doing that for you. I question why you have stayed with him this long if he plays these types of games with you. Are you afraid that you will not find someone else? Now that he has basically shown you that he will sleep with someone behind your back, lie about being upset over his friend having cancer, taking some younger girl to a concert and still keeping you at one night a week after so you really think he loves you and treats you the way that a man who wants a woman to be his wife would treat someone?

Ultimately, this is not about him anymore, this is about you and why you don't want better for yourself, why you can't walk away from a situation that is hurting, damaging and shaming you, and why you are still there, letting it happen. You deserve to have the best in life, whether you believe that or not. You're an intelligent woman who has a lot to offer someone and even if it means you have to be by yourself for a little while and recoup your life and what it means to be you (you may not have been able to get that, being with him when you were so young). You are going to be 30 years old in a few years. Ask yourself if you can see yourself going through these same things at 30?

I welcome your thoughts. Let me know if you want to talk more


Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Its interesting to get a good reply - we have been engaged for five years. (just to point out) and he has since dumped me for this young girl. I was there for him every day, I went to every family event in his life - he never come to mine which I never complained about. I have stayed with him so long probably because I love him so much and always have. He has been in two serious accidents since we met and he nearly died, I didnt want to lose him - he is everything to me. His friend has also since died from the cancer and I knew this screwed him up but when his friend got ill initially he broke off a lot of contact with me. he has text me every day for 7 years and then he just stopped which I could not get used to. Do you think maybe if I hadnt had plied so much pressure in the last few months he would not have two timed me? I have been asking where the relationship was going for about two/3 months. I stopped when his friend took a turn for the worse but did kep asking why i couldnt stay even 1 more night. He had been contacting this girl since feb, I gave him space in feb and gave him all my cards and gifts back until he got his head together. I did this because it was difficult having his picture around when we were not together. he said we broke up before he went with this girl but we had not broken up - we were having a breather so he could deal with his friend and get his head together. I explained that to him continuously. He told me before he dumped me he has not been happy for three years which is not true. He never mentioned this ever, this is about the time his mother asked him are we going anywhere. Do you think I was basically just used and He had all the benefits of marriage without the commitment. He saw me as his free personal whore that he could dismiss when he got tired of me?
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
After 6 years I lost my job and became unhappy for 5 weeks where by he nearly twotimed me. i FOUND OUT ABOUT IT AND SHE SAID SHE DIDNT KNOW HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND WAS SO SORRY SO IT ENDED before it got off the ground.
We stayed together though and I found another job one week later, only this year I wanted to know where we were going, its the 1st guy i have ever stayed with who two timed me so it was a difficult year but i stayed as happy as possible.