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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21449
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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my boyfriend has gay-lovers in the past. he admited he had

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my boyfriend has gay-lovers in the past. he admited he had sexual relationship with them before. he also admited that he has more tendency towards men, but he cares for me now and he wants to live with me and that i should be patient for him. he had girlfriend before but broke up as the realize that he is gay. he said he doesn;t want in the gay environment anymore (with crying) and he thinks that that gayness is wrong. the problem is i think he's not attracted to me sexually, he even dislike when we french kiss. i'm worried what if he's trying to deny himself and realize that he cant live with female later on after marriage. we are good catholics and our parents are bestfriends. at first i think i could accept him as he is as i love him, but now i'm worried that he will cheat / lie to me (as many gay men do this to their wifes or lover). so far, i think he is honest, and as he admitted almost everyting to me , so i still continue the relationship. i really love him what should i do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
HelloCustomer and thanks for your question.

From what you have described, I agree with you that your boyfriend may be trying to deny himself and deny his attraction to men, because it is so 'taboo', especially being Catholic. He's feeling guilt over having been with men in the past and is 'trying' to change, but changes like this are not always possible.

I don't doubt that he loves you and wants to try to make a life with you, whether just remaining boyfriend/girlfriend at this time, or if it should end up in marriage in the future, but because he has shared all this intimate knowledge with you, and you do love him, I would advise you to not rush into anything right now. I believe that you are a very intelligent and wise woman, to suspect if you get married or just stay together in a serious relationship, he may lie to you and/or cheat, to be with men, on the side.

He may be bisexual, and enjoy being with both men and women, but if you say he seems to dislike French kissing with you and doesn't seem that sexually attracted to you, it's not because it's 'you', it may be that he truly does prefer being with men, sexually.

It would be a good idea for him, alone, or for you both, to see a couples counselor in your area, and one who has experience with bisexuals and/or confusion re: sexual orientation. If he discovers, through talking with a counselor/therapist, that he really does prefer men, you can still love him as a friend and be there to support him, but it would not be advisable to marry him or continue with a longterm relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend, as you would most likely only be hurt in the future.

Have a serious discussion with him, and tell him BECAUSE you love him, and so that HE can feel more comfortable about himself and his choices, you think it would be a good idea for him to see a counselor, and you will go with him, if he wants you to. If his parents and your parents don't know anything at this time, about his past gay relationships, it would be best to allow it to remain that way, until he's ready to tell them.

I hope all works out well for you both!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
cher, thank you for your answers,
he had been seeing a shrink since he was 17teen but now the shrink has passed away and he has not find any councelor that suit him yet. I already talk with him about my consideration that he may not be happy in this side of being with me if he found that he is happier with men. but he said that its about choices, commitment and selfcontrol (which i considered true) but i am worried until when he will be able to control and commit to himself of being with me only.
his parents know about him. family support are pretty good although not best. while we are live in different country (although he visit me everymonth. What do you think?
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

I'm glad he's been seeing a counselor since he was younger, but it's important that he continues in therapy even though, sadly, his counselor passed away, so I hope he finds someone that suits him, soon.

Something he said to you, re: 'it's about choices, commitment and self control', was very 'telling' about his feelings. The whole point of being happy, is NOT having to exhibit self control, if he'd really rather be with men. He's telling you he's willing to give up his former sexual preference of being with men, because he's going to exercise control over his desire to be with men, to be with you, because society recognizes men/woman relationships and unions (marriage) as acceptable, but gay relationships as unacceptable. I really don't think a marriage can be successful if he thinks in this way.

I'm glad he told his parents, and they are trying to be as supportive as possible, although they are of course, upset about it.

Living apart, and only seeing each other once a month is difficult and puts a strain on the relationship, but if you talk every day through email or by phone/text, that's good.

I would not say definitely don't marry him or don't keep up the relationship, for the moment; but I do think it's important that he finds a new therapist and begins to see someone again, and he needs to meet with a group of men like him, who may have had gay experiences but are confused about whether they want to continue to be with men or women, now.

I think he is leaning toward being with men, but is ashamed to follow through with any more of that, and is 'punishing' himself, sacrificing and using self control to not be with men any more. I think he's depriving himself of what he really wants, and this has nothing to do with his love for you. I don't doubt you love each other, but his sexual preference sounds like it is more for men, and I wouldn't want to see you get hurt.

I need to sign off now, but if you would like to discuss this further, I will be available later in the day.

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