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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21446
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I have helped a person at work to get raises, to rent a house,

Resolved Question:

I have helped a person at work to get raises, to rent a house, she is now renting my mother's house, and babysat her child, and given her tickets to concerts, and yet when we do a simple thing together like teaching our new puppies to retrieve a stick or swim in a pool she is a very competitive person like she only wants to win not have fun. Am I missing something? Am I being a sucker?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi,Customer and thanks for your question.

It certainly sounds like you've been extremely nice and helpful to this person, and as far as being a sucker, if you do nice things for people out of the goodness of your heart, and don't expect anything in return, the happiness you derive from doing 'good', should be thanks enough. However, if the person does not thank you, XXXXX XXXXX all the wonderful things you've done for her, she's ungrateful, and if I were you, I'd stop being so 'nice' and helpful to her. A simple, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm busy that day', for example, if she asks you to babysit her child, more than once, should get the point across. No nastiness, just smile and say: 'sorry, I can't'.

I think she IS very competitive, from your description, however I don't think this is related to you doing favors for her and/or being helpful in her life. Competitive people are just that way, and they will want to 'win', at any activity or in any situation, no matter what. She's not really giving it any thought--not thinking about the activity, about how nice you've been to her--she just wants to be 'better' or have her puppy do better, swim faster, etc.--when you do these things.

You're not missing anything. She was most likely brought up to be competitive and/or adopted this behavior as an adult. 'Winning' or doing better than other people makes her feel better about herself and also may boost her confidence. As unbelievable as it may sound, she may not have a lot of self-confidence, but every time she 'bests' someone at something, she feels 'big' and accomplished.

Try to find a more even ground, doing things where there can BE no competition, when you spend time with her; or just let things go on as they have, and accept that this is her personality.

If you're close enough with her, and feel she won't be offended, you could say, with a smile (always with a smile! : )) during an activity where you feel she's being competitive: 'Wow, you really are a competitive person, aren't you? OR You really like to win/come out on top, don't you?' However you want to phrase it, and/or whatever fits the situation.

It's not necessarily a 'bad' trait, but if people find it annoying, they might not want to spend time with her.

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