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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I just found out i am pregnant about 4 weeks gone. I am 28

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I just found out i am pregnant about 4 weeks gone. I am 28 years old the pregnancy wasn't planned - i was on the pill but i have had gastro intestinal issues which in hindsight may have caused the pill to fail. I was made redundant last month and my boyfriend is taking care of the finances but he is only just 24 years old and although he wants kids and marriage with me one day he says now is too soon. However i have had a termination before with a previous boyfriend due to the fact i was on medication and his not being ready and maybe the fact i had a feeling it wasn't for keeps. Anyway my question is should i keep the baby? if we were married he said it wouldn't be so much of an issue but because we are not he thinks his employer will fire him. I want to be with this man for the rest of my life - we have talked about marriage and kids one day and because i am older he said it would be in the next couple of years. He cannot understand that i feel i cannot go through an abortion again.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Thank you for coming to Just Answer to talk about your question. If you could answer a few questions that would be helpful.


How long have you and your boyfriend been together?


Why would his employer fire him for you being pregnant?


You said your not sure if you can go though a abortion again, was the first one very traumatic?



Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi, lots of extra info....


We have been together for 1 year - just had our 1year anniversary a week ago although we dated for 6 months before getting into a relationship.


I live in Hong Kong but as i am British i'm an expat over here- getting work is more difficult and even though i have been made redundant recently i am not entitled to any jobseeker benefits / child benefits that i could receive in UK. So my boyfriend moved into my apartment with me to cut costs and because i couldn't get out of my lease until october this year even with the redundancy - my rent was cheaper plus i have also 2 dogs in HK that live with us.


I have no health insurance in HK which worried me and i cannot get one that will cover maternity as a pre existing condition. My boyfriend does earn good money but he is younger and i think he thinks that our lives will be over if we have a child.


I don't know why he thinks that his employer will fire him - he says that our child would be a bastard but i think as long as we have the commitment to each other and to the child it shouldn't matter - i even would forgo the big wedding of my dreams and just get married at a registry office in HK if it would legitamise things in his eyes - and those he perceived around us.


Re the previous termination it was with my ex who i was with for 9 years, i was on meds when i found out i was pregnant and the doctor said it could cause major abnormality. My ex was ' it's your decision' to me but it was made clear to me he wanted me to have a termination - we had just bought a house and he said we should do things in the right order... but to be honest that relationship was falling apart for years and i know that it was the right decision at the time although my personal view of abortion is that it shouldn't be used as an after the fact contraceptive - i always thought that i would never have a termination and i felt like i had failed myself. I was the same age as my boyfriend is now (24) and i was scared to stand up for the fact that i felt i was going against my beliefs to keep my ex boyfriend. It's safe to say i wouldn't be where i am now without having the first termination as i moved to HK the next year with my ex for a fresh start after he cheated on me,he had an affair with a work colleague whilst i was depressed after the termination. He eventually had another affair in HK and we ended things. For the abortion I had a year of counselling to help me come to terms with what i did and my current boyfriend thinks how come she could do it before - for her horrible ex but not for me... buts it's precisely because i have had a termination that i don't want to have another. I worry about the affect it will have on me - mentally / physically and our relationship. Either way i feel it will impede my ability to get another job in HK.

I know my parents would rather i had a baby than aborted and they would support me if i went back to uk as a single mum. But i think my boyfriends family would think i trapped their son if i did not abort.. i get on well with them now but i know how they can be and i think there is a possibility i might become public enemy number one at least in the short term if i refused to abort.


At the end of the day i understand that my boyfriend is concerned that we aren't married, I know he is worried about his job and money especially in the current climate, His parents would likely be more difficult to bring round than mine. I know he is younger. I feel there is no 'right time' for kids but can understand his fears... having said that though should i be drawn into having an abortion for fear of losing the guy i think of as the love of my life because i set a president (sp) by having had one before? If i had never had one before and was 100% against would this be the same issue?



Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Thanks for the background information, it makes understanding your situation and who you and your boyfriend are much easier.


As for your question, No I do not think you should allow anyone to make you feel that you should have a abortion simply because you made that choice in the past. Even if it means moving home and being a single parent. The fact is this is your body, your child and your choice. What happened in the past is simply the past.


When you made the choice to abort the first time it was for a valid reason. You were on medication that could have caused serious problems for the child........and you made a choice that was in the best interest of the child as well as your gut instinct that told you that this was not a good time.


This time around there are not the same issues at play, there is no threat to the unborn child. While I am sure now is not the perfect time..........when is it really? Children are a miracle and as such when you become pregnant you must look at all the angles and what is best for you. This is not a decision you should make based on how your boyfriend feels or his family feels, because the fact of the matter is if you go against your own desires you will resent him for what you will feel was a forced abortion. Since you feel so strongly against abortion in the first place, it will be even more difficult for you to heal from this unless it is something you really want to do.


You already know the downside of abortion, I will not color the truth by telling you it gets easier or you will get over it. Being a man I have never had this issue of course, but I have done enough research on the issue to know the sad reality of the depression and guilt that follows a abortion a women did not really want.


In the end this is your choice, and no one including me can tell you what is best for you and your child. As for his family, yes they may have some issues in the beginning but you can not allow their choices to effect yours. If you choose to keep this child then they are the ones making the choice to either accept the child or not.


I would suggest that you sit down with your boyfriend and explain your reasons once you make your choice. Let him know that while yes you did make that choice the first time the reality is you did it more for the health of the child then the desires of the boyfriend and while what he wanted did factor into it the reality is it was something you had problems forgiving him and yourself for.


Let him know you are willing to get married if that is what he wants, and are willing to speak with his parents about your reasons. Then be firm about your choice.....he may become upset, or he may take it and get over it. The fact is he will likely be at least a little upset about it as this is not where he wants to be right now. But if he really loves you and is a good man then it is something he will come to accept.



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