Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship

My partner, who I live with, never wants sex any time of day,

Customer Question
apart from in the morning...
My partner, who I live with, never wants sex any time of day, apart from in the morning. It's not my time of day, but if I want sex at all, that's the only time I can have it. I am very open with him about his fantasies and about masturbation. I will talk to him about his fantasies and "join in" with them. I'm happy for him to masturbate - I actually like watching him - but as long as we are also enjoying good sex together too. My problem is, I'm so frustrated with the lack of quality sex we have. Quickies first thing on a morning usually only get him off. If I get up without us doing anything together, I know he almost always masturbates when I have gone. He says he just doesn't want sex as much as I do and he can't help it- but doesn't want it any time but morning. It hurts me so much cos I know it's not that his sex drive is low...he has an orgasm every day! He's perfectly happy going it alone. I fancy him SO much. I'm so hurt and frustrated. Am I being unreasonable?
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 17 minutes by:
5/23/2009
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
Verified
Customer

 

No your not being unreasonable it seems as though you do everything in your power to satisfy him but he isn't showing you that same courtesy as far as your needs are concerned, if he truly cared about you he would compromise and do it when you want to do it along with when and how he wants to do it. What you are going to have to do is sit down and try to set some boundaries as to when to do it and how you want it done. He needs to realize that having sex with someone is not one sided he has gotten so use to masturbating that he is become a some what selfish lover now because he knows he has other options as to how to orgasm. His masturbation is actually harming the relationship instead of enhancing it because he knows that if you do not give it to him he can do it himself without all of the emotion and feelings involved and may much rather do it that way than to do it with you that is why he feels as though he is in control of the sexual intimacy in your relationship and you have to take control of the situation yourself. He may have an obsession with masturbation that is emotionally making him absent from the relationship and if the relationship continues with this you may find yourself without a mate so it's important to talk to him now and not let it get anymore serious.

 

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 8 years ago
I have talked to him about it a lot. The latest being only this morning. He says he loves me and doesn't want us to part...and that he will really try. (We have been through this before though, and he'll make the effort once and then we'll go back to how we were.) I have friends who say I should seduce him and make it happen when I'm feeling horny... but I have tried it and he's just not up for it. I actually brought this up today and asked him to confirm that I have got it right...he confirmed that he does not want me to put on my best undies (or whatever) and try to get him in the mood. He has this thing about women in leotards...he's had it since he was a teenager or before. I have no problem with this and, upon his request, went out and bought several. But he seldom asks me to put one on. I get a great response the times we do go down that route....I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've tried to please him. Don't get me wrong - the odd times we do have time for sex, when I am really in the mood - it's fantastic. Even if I'm not really in the mood...I can really accomodate him and like I said, him being turned on gets me going in some measure. But it's just not the same as when you're REALLY in the mood, with body and mind ready for it, is it? I have previously asked him not to masturbate, to try and see if it will make him want sex at other times....and I think he maybe did for a short while (or pretended to), but nothing really came of it. It's so hard living with someone who you love and totally fancy so much...but who you can't "have". I feel so frustrated and hurt....and so undesirable. He says when he is masturbating, he is thinking about me in scenarious (obviously leotard-clad), and so I shouldn't feel like I don't turn him on. I don't suppose you can really help me out with this. I think I just wanted to check that it's not my fault for failing to understand this is just how it is with some men. Life without him would be SO awful...I'd be heart-broken...but life with him is also painful. Do you think I should stop making it an issue...leave him to please himself ...stop "seeing to his needs" and just masturbate myself for a while (to try and keep the edge off the frustration)...and see if that will eventually make him want me more? Am I not helping myself by making an issue of this and also by being so accomodating with him some mornings?
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

If both of you were to start masturbating then you both will be filling your voids without the other and that is never good for a relationship. Accommodating him in the mornings means that you too are being accommodated also so don't stopped that aspect of your life because you really have to feel some type of connection with him intimately. I think your mate needs to seek counseling for why he has to masturbate so much when he has someone like you there and willing it could be an addiction to masturbating.

If he is finding it hard to control his masturbating, so much so that it is affecting your relationship then it may be times for him to seek counseling. Especially if he has to masturbating almost daily, it's getting out of control and the enjoyment can be lost or become short lived. It can become a very negative thing if your mate is finding it hard to control it of even stop it once it has gotten out of control. If you are in that place with your mate and want to control how often he is masturbating and have tried and tried in the past only to fail, then you should turn to an approach that has stood the test of time which is either counseling or hypnosis to stop his obsessive masturbation or else he will totally replace you with his masturbation. The hours he wastes masturbating takes away from your life. Those are hours that he could be doing other things like spending that time with you in intimate ways. When he feels the urge to masturbate he should fill that time with something else like going to the gym or hanging with friends this way he saves that energy for you. The reason it doesn't last when he tries to avoid masturbating may be because he has nothing else to fill his time.

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
Verified
KimberlyF and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask KimberlyF Your Own Question
KimberlyF
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
750 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com

KimberlyF is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,706 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

426 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
Ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care
Hello, ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care about me, even though he thinks he does!! … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My ex and I of 2 YRS broke up in the beginning of Sept (she
My ex and I of 2 YRS broke up in the beginning of Sept (she broke up with me because she said I wasn't who I used to be ans i created doubt in her mind about us). A week after we broke up she started … read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
Seven months ago, I got dumped by a man I consider my
Seven months ago, I got dumped by a man I consider my soulmate. It's been the most painful breakup I've ever experienced. Even though we were only together a little over a year, we had a very deep con… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
I have a question about something that keeps coming up, and
I have a question about something that keeps coming up, and perhaps I need a males perspective… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
I dreamed last nignt in black an, that the man that i
hello i dreamed last nignt in black an white , that the man that i secretly love was combing my hair. i was sitting on the floor my head on his lap , he had a black com and he was so gentle combing an… read more
DreamsBySue
DreamsBySue
Social Worker
Masters Degree (MSW)
68 satisfied customers
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married just under a year. We have lived together for 3 years. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has 2 children from a previous marr… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
My husband, toddler & I moved in with my in-laws house, in
My husband, toddler & I moved in with my in-laws house, in husbands home “village” after independent city life since graduating as a pharmacist 20+ years ago. I was a high achiever in everything I did… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
Our 16 yr old grandaughter who always was close to us told
Our 16 yr old grandaughter who always was close to us told us we are a distraction to her now. We don't know how to talk to her because she only likes to txt and everything we say seems to be the wron… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
Dispair! My 12 yo step-daughter repeatedly takes things that
Dispair! My 12 yo step-daughter repeatedly takes things that do not belong to her (my old cell phone, several of my rings, neighbor girl's shoes) and lies about it. Like one of the other readers, she … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
My daughter is influenced by her no good boyfriend and made
my daughter is influenced by her no good boyfriend and made her call me a c unt a crakwhore and other things. I am at my end. I told her that I don't want to see her again until he is out of the pictu… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
I am upset and worried because my boyfriend and I are not
Hello, I am upset and worried because my boyfriend and I are not getting along anymore. I read a book and realized that he is using verbal abuse to supposedly help me but all he does is make me feel w… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I broke up less than a month ago. I tried
Hi! my boyfriend and I broke up less than a month ago. I tried to make things work between us but he didn't want to, although he still loves me! Anyway, after two weeks of trying to convince to be tog… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
What is the proper way for a widower to introduce his girl
What is the proper way for a widower to introduce his girl friend to his mother in law? … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
I am a 61 year old divorced female who has been in a been
This question is for Cher. Hi- I am a 61 year old divorced female who has been in a been living with the same man for 9 1/2 years. We have had some problems off and on in the last year - he moved out … read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Doctoral Degree
385 satisfied customers
My mother, four year old daughter and I are I assume
My mother, four year old daughter and I are I assume kidnapped since I don't remember how we got to the house that the dream started in, in this house we were all in the same room locked up together, … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
She knew my thoughts about Netherlands. I say thoughts
Hello,Yes, she knew my thoughts about Netherlands. I say thoughts because I was not certain, and she was telling me that she is maybe moving to Malta for 3 months. That was the first problem from the … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I was in a relationship with this girl for a year. It was
Hey so i was in a relationship with this girl for a year. It was extremely serious and we were planning on getting married. Its kind of a crazy situation. Would you like me to explain. … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
My sister's husband just got married in a "very private"
My sister's husband just got married in a "very private" ceremony .(My sister passed away 5 years ago.) I was not invited, but received an announcement. How much should I spend on a wedding gift? I am… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x