replied 8 years ago.
I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult position.
You don't have to discuss with the girl you care about, that your parents see red flags; discuss with her that she seems so quiet when she's with your parents and they would like to get to know the 'real' her, better, so if she could make more of an effort to be more open and talkative with them, it would help them feel they know her like you know her. See how she reacts to this and if she makes an effort. Tell her you don't want her to 'force' her actions, but if she acts less reserved with them, they'll feel closer to her and isn't that what she wants?
On the one hand, your parents have more experience than you and want to give you the benefit of their experience and help prevent you from making the mistakes they may have made in the past (I'm not talking about their marriage; I mean life, in general). Because they have more life experience, they want to advise you to make the best decisions they feel will benefit YOU. They love you and want to see you happy. Also, sometimes, parents (especially mothers) have a sixth sense about these things, and just feel if you don't continue to pursue a relationship with this girl, you'll end up happier, and avoid lots of hurt, in the long run.
On the other hand, you seem to have a very close relationship with your parents, which is so fantastic, especially nowadays, when many families are split apart or drifting apart, and that's admirable, and of COURSE you want their blessing on this union, if you should decide to marry her, BUT, and this is a big BUT--it's YOUR life. If you are head over heels in love with this girl, you feel you know each other so well, you see yourself down the line being very happy, married to her, you feel there's no one else that could possibly make you feel the way she does, then, you have to, in a way, be 'selfish' and tell your parents you love them dearly and their blessing means so much to you, but you're in love, you're happy, and you'd like to marry this girl, and you're sure your happiness is very important to them.
If you've always been this close to your parents/family, if you decide to marry the girl, will they disown you? I think not. They love you so much, and you will continue to see them, and you will be the same; you will be unchanged in your love for your parents, even though you may be married. Many people DO change, after marriage, but when you've grown up in the security of their love, and have always been close, I don't see that changing. They may not be happy with your choice for a wife, and in a perfect world, they WOULD accept her, but I don't think they'll not want to see you anymore, do you?
At this particular time, don't rush into anything. Keep seeing the girl, and keep doing what you're doing, without any more mention of marriage. Give yourself more time, and take it day by day. Is SHE pressing you to make the commitment on paper, i.e., marriage? Is it that important for YOU to be married, immediately? If not, keep things as they are, continue to talk to your parents about how this is tearing you apart, and can't they see their way to just 'accepting' your choice, even though they don't have to be thrilled with her. Explain to them how she's not 'snubbing' them; she's like this with everybody, including her own family. She's naturally quiet, but she's not quiet with you, you connect on many planes, and that's why you love her and love being with her.
You know, one thing was 'telling', which you mentioned your mother said: that she (your gf) rarely comes over and you're always heading 'her' way. Even though a man may be close with his parents, a woman's relationship with her parents usually takes precedence when it comes to how often they visit, etc. That's just a fact of life. I don't know why, but that's how it usually works out, unless one of the families is dysfunctional and/or there are bad feelings and one partner in the relationship/marriage doesn't care to see his/her parents/family often or at all. When your mother said this, and mentioned because of this, she sees your relationship with them (your parents) and your friends, going by the wayside, I think this is her biggest fear. She thinks she's going to lose you, but this couldn't be further from the truth, considering the type of close relationship you've always had, and always will have, with them.
I've mentioned to you, that I can't make this decision for you. I can't say, oh, definitely marry her and upset your parents; I can't say, don't marry her, make your parents happy and go look for someone else who your parents may like better. What if your parents pick out traits of EVERY girl you get serious with, and tell you they don't care for her and they're not very friendly? Or, what if you do meet someone who is more talkative and friendly with your parents, but she has traits you can't stand (although you love MOST of her personality)? Should you marry her because she pleases your parents more than the girl you're with, now?
YOU have to be happy and I know you want both: to be happy with the girl you love and for your parents to give you their blessing, but obviously, your mother made it clear last night, that this isn't going to happen.
You need time to think and figure this thing out, so don't make any more future commitments to this girl, i.e., a marriage proposal, and decide if you want to stay in the relationship or leave it and try to find someone else you could be as happy with.
Would you consider going to a couples counselor, to discuss this problem in person? You can go first, lay the groundwork, explain the situation, get some ideas from the therapist, and then ask your girl to join you and have the therapist try to find out why she's so quiet when she's around your family. Just a thought that you can consider and decide if it might help. Many couples go to 'pre-marital' counseling before they're married, to work out any issues that may be present.