replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks very much for your reply with helpful and additional information about your situation.
I completely understand your frustration and being upset with this situation. You are a very kind and patient person, to provide him with a nice place to stay, because he has nowhere else to go, even though you don't really want him there, anymore.
First do NOT allow him to make you feel like the bad one. You are his 'savior'; you have provided him with shelter, food, and other necessities which he couldn't provide for himself and his dog. In a way, I think many of his behaviors stem back to the ADD, and this is what I suggest: because you're aware that he has this condition, you need to be very specific with him, regarding what you need him to do. For example, don't just say, "the garage door needs fixing"; concentrate on one unfinished job at a time, and break that job down into smaller portions. Tell him and show him specifically, that [whatever] needs to be done, and check on him in an hour, to see if he's finished, if he's working on it, or what he's up to. I know this seems tedious and will take a toll on your time, but it's necessary to get the jobs finished, which will lead to having him finally move out. Stay with him while he starts working, help him organize whatever tools he needs--ask him to make a list of tools he needs to do the particular job, and help him find them in the garage, or wherever. Set an 'advanced' time limit on what he's doing, with a 'reward' at the end. For example, tell him when he finishes that portion of the job (or the whole job, however you set it up), he can come in to have lunch, and you're making [a favorite food]. This will help him visualize finishing the job, and enjoying something he likes, afterward. It's his 'incentive'.
Try to do this with every job he needs to finish; divide it up into time manageable/acceptable 'segments', to help him focus and finish. Don't keep yelling at him about what he's NOT doing, but encourage him about what he HAS accomplished, afterward, so he feels 'positive' about his work and will not fight you on moving onto the next task.
As a man, he subconsciously feels quite emasculated, not earning a living, not being able to finish the jobs he starts, and knowing he's disappointing you, that's why he tells YOU, you're acting like a Jekyll and Hyde, to help himself feel better. He obviously thinks he's doing nothing wrong and just can't understand why you would be so mean to him, yelling at him to finish jobs, contribute something to the household payments, etc. He does that as a 'defense mechanism', because deep down he knows he's wrong, but due to his 'disability' (ADD), he can't help his behavior. Seeing a doctor and perhaps getting medication to help his condition, might help him be more productive, but that's up to him.
If he's a master carpenter, he should be able to find a job, but due to the country's economy and his ADD, he may not be able to work. Perhaps he should apply for SSDI (social security disability insurance), and at least he'd be contributing more to the household expenses, if he's approved. He also might be able to find himself a place to live, even if he were to rent a room in someone's house, if he has some money coming in.
You need to set a timeline for him, with a specific date in the future, that he has to be out. Hang a calendar in a common area, like the kitchen, and circle the day you need him out by (I would say giving him about 2 months is reasonable) and 'X' off the days as they pass, reminding him nicely, each day, that he's going to move out on that day. He needs to find another place to live and needs to make money to afford a low to reasonable rent.
If he feels he can't take proper care of his dog and/or can't take the dog with him, when he leaves, tell him not to worry about that, as you'll keep the dog, since your dog loves the companionship. Don't tell him you love the dog and that's why you'll let him/her stay, or he might counter with something like: 'oh, so the dog can stay, because you care about him/her but ME, you'd turn out?' Just say it's for the good of both dogs, as they've bonded, etc.
If HE won't do it, YOU start looking at rooms for rent and/or jobs available in the area, make phone calls to get more information, and then pass the written information on to him. Tell him 'nothing personal', but it's time for you to move on and I'm trying to help you do that. Try NOT to get emotional, stay calm and just tell him matter of factly, that it's time for him to find his own place. He can do it with whatever little money he has, and also find a job doing 'anything' for the time-being, to support himself. Encourage him and tell him, I'm sure things will get better for you soon, once you're on your own and working, making money. You'll feel more 'independent' and better about yourself.
Be strong, stick to your 'plan', and remind him every day what he needs to be doing to find a job and a place to live. He HAS to know someone else besides you, to stay with, if he can't find a place to rent. It's unfortunate that he has no family or friends, but if he was working construction, he has to have known other people, through work. You don't know for sure he has nobody; you only have HIS word on that, so he may have relatives or friends elsewhere, that he can impose upon, instead of you. I don't know how you would find that information out, besides asking him, but I'm just pointing out that it's possible.
If it's more important to you to have him out, than for him to finish the jobs he started, you can always hire someone to finish the jobs, so you don't have to keep him around for that reason. However, if you ARE so kind as to give him about 2 months to straighten himself out and find a job/other place to live, he might as well work on some of the jobs, to complete them. If he doesn't, then his 'full-time' job at this time, is to find a job and find a place to live.
Ultimately, if you want him out and he flatly refuses to leave and also flatly refuses to do anything about finding work and/or another place, you might have to take legal action. If it's YOUR house, you have no legal documentation regarding a written 'agreement' or arrangement with him, re: him living there, etc., he has no right to stay if you want him out. You could enforce this with the local police dept. or sheriff, etc., but you'd have to find out how to go about it; I'm not a lawyer, so I can't advise you on the specifics of that.
It would be best for you both, if you didn't have to resort to any legal action, but I know the sense of relief you will feel, once he's out.
Try some of my suggestions, and take it from there. I wish you much good luck, hope you're able to accomplish this, as soon as possible, so your life will return to a more relaxed and happy state! Keep me posted on how things are progressing? Thanks!
I just noticed that you edited your reply with more information while I was typing my answer, but before you had a chance to read it. What type of group is 'Breakthrough'?