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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21418
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Dear Sir or Madam, For awhile I have been having jealousy

Resolved Question:

Dear Sir or Madam,

For awhile I have been having jealousy issues. I am in a situation where I cannot find anyone to talk to without being embarrassed. I'm a young male who is bisexual. Two years ago I meant this boy who is the epitome of everything I want to be. He's smart, he has lots of friends, hes athletic, hes cool, hes funny, hes cute, hes straight - everything that I'm not. Over these years it feels like I've fallen in love with a fantasized version of him in my mind. I pictured myself in a relationship with him (me being the girl) ect. It feels like I fell in love with that fake relationship. I don't wish that I was the opposite sex, but I only picture this so as to comfort myself. For all this time he had been single. I still check his facebook everyday and I have for over a year now. I have the dreaded to moment that when he would find a girlfriend.

That moment has come. There is much more to this. I don't know what to do or who to talk to, can anyone help me?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

One of the first things you need to do, is stop checking his facebook anymore, as this will only further upset you, and it's not a 'positive' action. Also, let go of your fantasy of one day being in a relationship with him or your fantasized version of him, and I possibly, the fact that he now has a girlfriend (although this was a dreaded moment for you), might have been the best 'reality check' you could have hoped for, so you can move on.

While I understand that you had fallen in love with your fantasized version of him, you realized it was only a fantasy in your own mind, and if you take all of your passion and desire to have a loving and successful relationship with another bisexual male or a female, you can find happiness.

You mentioned that he is the epitome of everything you would like to be, and you 'emulate' him; you would like to 'model' yourself after him, so why don't you start slowly working toward some personal changes to enable you develop some of the traits you admired in him, but make sure not to lose 'yourself' in this process; just make some 'adjustments' that would make you happier with who you are.

If you hang out with friends with whom you have interests in common, and surround yourself with people who care about you, I think you'll feel better, and start developing the confidence in yourself to start dating and finding a happy relationship of your own.

If you have no one to talk to about this situation and your feelings, I'm happy to help, but it would also be a good idea to start seeing a counselor or therapist in person, so you can unburden yourself and get some additional guidance as to how to proceed.

I wish you much good luck.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks for the help. I always have known that checking his facebook would make me fell worse. But - for some reason it just bothers me more and more until I check it. Honestly, I've barely spoken to him. While I would like to be friends with him, we arn't much alike and it probably wouldn't happen.

Though I would never hurt anyone. I always just wish I had never known him, or that he would just go away (and by that I don't mean die). It feels like that if I didn't know who he was right now - my life would be so much better. No one knows about my sexuality. Most people think I'm just a normal guy, I think I do a good job of hiding everything. for some reason, I have NEVER felt this way about any other person. There are plenty of other people out there like him, but for some reason its him who I have liked/hated so much.

As for dating, I don't know if I'll ever be able to admit my sexuality. I do find myself attracted to females as well, and I'm hoping that some I can get married and just be normal like everyone else - that is important to me.

Anyway, I'll happily accept your advice. Hopefully I can overcome this jealousy and anxiety. I feel that its just holding me back every day.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and you're most welcome! Thanks for your reply.

I understand how you feel about the 'need' to check his Facebook every day; it was (is) sort of a curiosity and a compulsion, to see what's happening in his life.

I agree with your feeling that if you didn't know who he was, you wouldn't be tempted to look at his profile daily, and see what's happening in his life, then feel upset that you are not doing the same things. It's a common feeling, but in this case, I do feel you've put too much into it, and it's not emotionally healthy; but you know this already, or you wouldn't have asked for help, so I think you ARE capable of putting him out of your mind and trying to live your life to the fullest.

If no one knows about your sexuality and you don't feel comfortable sharing this information, that's fine. Some things need to be kept private and it's totally your choice.

I think you would benefit from one on one and/or group counseling, so that you can come to terms with your own sexuality, and feel more comfortable with who you are. While it may very well happen that you will meet a wonderful woman, fall in love and be very happy, you don't want to fool yourself or others (like the woman you may be with), and not be completely happy, wishing you were also with a man, so keep this in mind before making a commitment to anyone. You'll KNOW if it feels right, with whomever you choose.

You sound like a very intelligent person who knows himself very well, and that's much more than can be said about many people, nowadays, so you're already ahead of the game! : ) You are aware that you need to overcome this jealousy and anxiety re: the other man, and once you've identified the problem, it's always easier to resolve it. Don't let that hold you back every day; you have important things to accomplish in your life, and this IS a fantasy/compulsion, and something that you know cannot be 'realized', so try to gradually wean yourself away from viewing his Facebook, until you're not doing it at all, and don't give him a second thought.

Start doing things for yourself, live YOUR life, and don't think about his; I'm sure if he knew you better, there would be facets of YOUR life, HE would be envious of! They say 'the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence', and you know what? You don't know ALL the aspects of his life, only what you read on his Facebook, and there may be many things weighing heavily on HIS mind, you don't know about, so believe me, you should concentrate on being yourself and enjoying YOUR life, now, in the moment. I think you have a lot going for you, just from the way you express yourself, so give yourself a chance, and start meeting some people. Maybe Miss Right (or Mr. Right, if you decide to reveal your sexuality) is right around the corner! : ) Stay positive, and true to yourself.

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