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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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My wife caught me browsing porographic pictures online. Naturally

Resolved Question:

My wife caught me browsing porographic pictures online. Naturally she is upset and I am unsure how to talk to her about this. It is not something I do often and I knew it would upset her if she were to find out although she is not against it if we do it together. Now she suspects I am looking to communicate with women online. I do not go into chat rooms or singles web sites. I just browse images sometimes.

She has been increasingly indiferent towards my advances in the bedroom for the past several months. While she will never turn me down if I am persistant, I do not like coercing her into sex if I sense she really is not in the mood. Historically she has always satisfied me in the bedroom but ironically I now suspect I no longer appeal to her. Hence my increased interest in online images lately. I still think about sex, I just don't like feeling like I am imposing it on her when she is never in the mood anymore.

I am not sure how to approach the subject now that I've upset her.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Honesty is the key...........along with a little bit of attention and hard work.


The first thing you have to do is sit down and talk to her, first off be honest. Do not try to glaze this over or scrimp on the truth. Admit what you did, and about when you do it. Be firm that you have never went into chat sites or singles sites. Explain to her simply that yes you have looked at the imagine..........but you would never disrespect her or your marriage by going to a site that would cause problems in your marriage.


Once you have been honest about doing it, explain why. Now this is the touchy no way should you push this off on her. If you start blaming her she is going to get defensive and angry. Simply explain to her that with all the stress in the bedroom you have been feeling a little insecure about how she feels about you and as such your have been trying to find other ways to release sexual needs without pushing her into doing something she does not want to do.


Talk this out.........there is some middle ground here.


Now if you want to change things up in the bedroom that can be done if your willing to put her needs above your own. Now I know that sounds silly........your trying to take care of your needs, so why would you put yours second place? The fact is her needs are what is preventing you from getting your needs.


Women look at sex completely different then we do. We look at it as a means to a end (The act satisfies our need) Women look at it as a action that brings your marriage to the fore front. Basically this is a action that strengthens your marriage. If she is feeling stressed or unloved she will lose her desires for sex.


Now there are things you can do to help remind her that you love her. Showing her you love her is the quickest way to help her get back in the mood.


You can do this by doing a few simple things:


Start helping out more at home, this means jump up and do the dishes. Run the vacuum cleaner or make dinner. And I do not mean just once.......considently do it for a week or more before you should expect results. If your already helping out, try to do a little extra. She will ask you why you are doing this.....simply tell her you love her and want to help her out.


If you have kids take a more active role in spending time with them. Maybe offer to take them to the park, or out in the yard while she takes a bath or catches up on a good book or movie.


Bring home flowers.......or a jar of her favorite perfume or maybe even her favorite snack. Women love to know you have been thinking about them. The little things go a long way!


Now for a few romantic ways to remind her you love her:


If you have the money pick up a nice set of bath oils at Bath and Body Works and some nice candles. Also pick up a bottle of warming massage oils. Grab a few roses at your local flower store and make a path to the bathroom. Set the oils on the tub as well as the candles and maybe a bottle of her favorite wine if she enjoys it. A soft music CD will help finish up the mood. Lead her to the bathroom and tell her to enjoy herself.


Once she is in the bathroom, set up some candles in your bedroom and prepare to give her a massage when she gets out of the tub.


Now........give her a complete massage. Nothing sexual, unless she initiates it. Keep it G rated and try to give the massage for at least 45 minutes so she gets the full treatment. Once you are done, cuddle with her and go to sleep.


If she did not initiate sex that night that is fine.......keep up the small romantic gestures by helping out around the house. Once she realizes that you are really just working on your marriage the sex will come.


It isn't that she isn't into you, she is just feeling a little unloved and unappreciated. By working hard to show her how much you love her she will in turn become more comfortable and will want the intimacy back in your marriage.







Customer: replied 8 years ago.


I appreciate your advice. Though I do many of the things you suggested anyway. I cook dinner more often than she does, I keep the kitchen clean, and I spend a good deal of time with our daughter. That is simply how things are a round our house. I even massage her back unconditionaly when she gets stressed at work and stuff. I get no response other than a quick kiss. She is a loving and affecionate wife outside the bedroom, she has just been increasingly tuning me out sexually for a while now. It was not always this way, but for the past few months it has been. I dont need the sex constantly, but the more space I give her , the more she seems content to keep her distance.


I just need to talk to her somehow about all of this without her getting uber-pissed at me and without inflating my own growing resentment.

Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



I am glad to hear you are already doing these things, all to often sometimes we forget how these little things can help out. Since you are already doing everything you should be doing then the only thing left is communication.


Simply put you will have to be honest with her, letting her know without blaming her that the sex is missing in the relationship and while it isn't something that must take center stage it is something you miss in your marriage.


You may also want to consider setting up a appointment with a marriage counselor to help with this issue. A counselor can help address the issues you are having without all the stress and fears that come from these conversations. More often then not the women also feels something is lacking and is often afraid to speak up for fear of hurting your feelings or becoming embarrassed. The fact is sex is a big part of any relationship, while it should not be the major focus it should be something you both can talk about.



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