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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Last Nov. I begin dating a friend Id known for 2yrs. We were

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Last Nov. I begin dating a friend I'd known for 2yrs. We were getting on fine until Jan when she tell me about her upbringing with a mentally abusive father and how she and her siblings struggle with relationships. She warned me that long term she gets abusive and loses respect when not stood up to. I was thrown by her not being the person I had thought she was, but I'm extremely fond of her and decided I would support her until I knew her better. We continued seeing each other but, although this was not discussed, it was more as friends than dating. I was away for a week in March and during that time I realised I had fallen for her. On returning I found she wasn't replying to emails and was evasive in conversation on the phone. Eventually she told me she'd met someone she'd only previously known online, and was in a serious relationship. I'm having trouble moving on; perhaps because of the emotional commitment I'd made to support her, and timing meant I'd not told her my true feeling.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi BarrowBoy, and thanks for your question.

I realize you feel like your heart has been broken, but maybe it's better that you hadn't told her of your true feelings, considering the present circumstances.

It's unfortunate that she moved so quickly to a relationship with someone she met online, but a 'serious' relationship cannot form in only a week. While I realize she was communication with the other person for a period of time, meeting him in the week you were away, and then saying they were in a 'serious' relationship may not be the case. She may *think* she's in a serious relationship, but it takes much more 'face time' to know if you want to be serious with someone or not.

Because she was able to move into this relationship with the other man so quickly (well, it seemed quickly to you), this may be a manifestation of her troubled upbringing and the way she related to you that she gets abusive and loses respect for the man she's with, if not stood up to.

At this particular time, I recommend maintaining the friendship you have with her, and continue to support her emotionally. Try to find out as much as you can, about the man she's seeing, if she'll share this information with you (don't push, just ask generic questions as a friend), and express your concern, re: her not knowing him 'in person' for that long.

If you continue to communicate and/or see each other as friends, you won't lose touch with her, and eventually, you might be able to tell her of your romantic feelings for her. You'll also know when and if she stops seeing this other man.

I wish you much good luck and hope things work out the way you want them to.

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