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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21415
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I really hope you can help me. ( My fiance and I are both

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I really hope you can help me. :( My fiance' and I are both going through a divorce. We both have 2 kids from those marriages. My kids and ex have adjusted extremely well. My kids and family have accepted my fiance' with open arms. Everyone loves him (even though they love my ex very much as well). They all want what's best for me and want me to be happy so they are open-minded and have handled the situation in a very healthy way. But my fiance's side is the complete opposite. We've both been separated for 9 months (we were best friends for 5 years prior to that), and have been working on our relationship for those 9 months, but his children (his 11yr old son in particular) hates me and blames their breakup solely on me. There is no reasoning with him, he refuses to listen to anything and is doing everything in his power to come between us. The problem is, I feel that my fiance' gives in to his manipulations far too much. I'm out of room now so I will tell you more after you reply.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

It would help me to know more details about your situation, so if you could answer these questions, it would be appreciated:

You mentioned that you've both been separated for 9 months. Do you still maintain separate residences, or are you living together?

When do you each expect your divorces to be finalized?

What do you feel precipitated your divorce (and his, if you know)?

How old are your children and how old is his other child, in addition to his 11 year old son?

When you say his son refuses to listen to anything, what have you and/or your fiance attempted to tell him?

What sort of things is he doing to try to come between you two?

Does your fiance have custody of his kids, or do they live with their mother and he see them on alternating weekends and one day during the week, or what is his visitation schedule?

Do you have residential custody of your kids and they live with you most of the time, then their father has visitation on a set schedule?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Do you still maintain separate residences, or are you living together? - Seperate residences... he's in CT and I'm in upstate NY. It's aXXXXX He comes to stay with me 1 - 3 times per week and every other weekend.

When do you each expect your divorces to be finalized?
- not sure, maybe within 6 months I would hope? They are both in the works and both of our ex's have moved on to new relationships as well.

What do you feel precipitated your divorce (and his, if you know)? - I was very unhappy with my husband for years. We are complete opposites, totally incompatible. I separated from him a few years prior for about 6 months, but took him back for the kids. I was never happy and continued to get more and more depressed, so I ended it. During that time my fiance' and I became closer and closer. We realized that we were extremely compatible and slowly but surely fell in love. He and his ex are complete opposites as well. She never wanted to have sex with him (he would try and after pleasuring her she would fall asleep... they had sex maybe two or three times a year... she just had no interest in him), both she and my husband are extremely selfish... it's all about them, while me and my fiance' are both givers... we love to please others, especially each other, so our bond and love for each other is incredible. Neither of us has ever felt so close to another person. Anyway, we both tried marriage counseling to no avail. Our spouses would change temporarily then go back to their old ways. In the beginning my fiance' and I would acually try to help each other and give each other advice to help with our spouses, but over time we became closer and closer and realized how good for each other we were.

How old are your children and how old is his other child, in addition to his 11 year old son? - He has a 9 year old son (Sam, he has Autism Spectrum Disorder) and the 11 yr. old son (Tyler)... I have a 15 year old daughter (Ciera) and a 10 year old son (Brady).

When you say his son refuses to listen to anything, what have you and/or your fiance attempted to tell him? - My fiance' has told him that even if I wasn't around he would still be getting a divorce... that's it's not my fault, I'm not the cause of their breakup... but no matter what he says he doesn't believe him, which is because his mother fills his head with crap.

What sort of things is he doing to try to come between you two?
- Oh wow... lies lies and more lies. He's lied about several things trying to make either of us look bad (to his mom and/or his therapist). He's very rude to me... he has made fun of me about my weight behind my back to Sam and Sam in turn made fun of my weight on the phone with his dad and I overheard him because he was on bluetooth in the car. Tyler is extremely intelligent for his age... he's rude and disrespectful, manipulative, etc. One example: 8 months into our relationship my fiance' (George) finally agreed to plan an outing for all of us for the first time... it was me and my kids and some other members of my family, and George and his kids... we all went and played lazer tag. It was uncomfortable at first... I said hi to the boys and they ignored me at first, but once we all started laughing and playing they loosened up and had a great time. Tyler actually followed me around and played with me during lazer tag... we were on the same team. We actually were doing really good for a while. Then we all went to dinner at Chili's afterwards. I was a really bummed because George decided to go back to CT with his boys instead of coming back to my place with them like we had discussed, so I was sad because I miss him a lot when he's gone... and that along with the stress of the situtation (and I was PMSing which never helps) I started to cry a little at the table. I tried so hard not too, but a couple tears rolled down so I got up and went to the bathroom to get myself together. (The last thing I want is for Tyler to think there's a problem between us... he feeds off that.) While I was in the bathroom, my daughter asked "what's wrong with mom?" and Tyler piped up "oh, my dad did something that didn't please her" in a really snotty tone. Everyone's mouths dropped at the table. He has regular rude outbursts like that all the time and has never had any consequences for his behavior. He gets scolded and Tyler says "sorry dad" right on cue as always, and nothing more ever happens. The behavior never changes. There are so many other examples but I can't think of them all. If you need more just let me know.

Does your fiance have custody of his kids, or do they live with their mother and he see them on alternating weekends and one day during the week, or what is his visitation schedule? - George's ex has custody of their kids. He sees them every other weekend and 1-3 times during the week. He takes Tyler to some of his baseball practices and most of his games as well as their other activities.

Do you have residential custody of your kids and they live with you most of the time, then their father has visitation on a set schedule? - I have physical custody of my kids and their dad gets them every other weekend and sees them 1-3 times during the week.

A couple weekends ago, 9 months into our relationship, I went to his place for the weekend... it was the first weekend I went while he had his kids. We had to start sometime and his kids need to get used to the fact that I'm going to be around. Well, it didn't go so well. Tyler was extremely rude to me and talked about me like I wasn't there. For example, he said to his father "is Lolly coming to my baseball game?" and George said "i guess not, she said she's going to stay here because she has a lot of work to do" (I work from home on my laptop) and Tyler let out a really excited "YES!" because he was happy I wasn't going. He then asked if I was going to his cousin's bday party the next day and George said "yes, she's going" and Tyler said in a really snotty tone "Why?? Who invited HER??" Again, these are just a few examples. I felt pretty somber the whole time I was there which is unlike me, but I just can't fake being happy... it's really difficult for me to be fake, and Tyler said "what's wrong Lolly, you seem really sad... I'm sure it's because of me"... and I replied "no Ty, you're fine... I'm just really tired and not feeling well, you don't bother me at all, don't worry." He was surprised at my reply and then said "well, I'm sorry for how I've been acting, it's just hard for me to adjust"... and I said "Tyler, please don't apologize unless you really mean it" and he said "ok"... because he had apologized before only to say afterwards that he only did it to make his dad happy and he wasn't ever really sorry. He's done this a few times now.

So later that night I tried to lighten things up because his attitude seemed to be better. He was lying on the bed playing on his dad's laptop so I grabbed the pillow and playfully smacked him with it. He reacted great... he started smiling and giggling and egging me on, so we smacked each other a couple times, then after a few minutes I went into the other room to work... he followed me and sat next to me egging me on some more, so I started tickling him. He really laughed then and continued to egg me on... it seemed to be going great. Then he had to go to bed so his dad tucked them both in and it was then that Tyler said to his dad, "that was really awkward, she made me feel really uncomfortable when she was pillow fighting and tickling me, dad"... to which George replied "well Tyler, you didn't seem to be minding it much... you were laughing and following her around because you didn't want her to stop"... and Tyler said "that's just because I wanted to make you happy, dad"... what a bunch of bull! He also pulled that crap with his therapist and told her the same thing when they were there this morning, but George responded the same way.

Hopefully now you have a little bit of an idea of what he's like. That was the first and last time (a couple weeks ago) in 9+ months that I went to his place while he had his kids. I ended up leaving early because I was so miserable and couldn't keep up with the fake smile. I never ended up going to the cousin's bday party the next day because I left a day early. If XXXXX XXXXXdled his son better, if he gave him consequences... if I felt like he was protecting me and that we were a team, then I would've been able to stick it out, but that's not at all how I felt, so I left... and he didn't even try to make me stay which made me feel even worse. :(

So he's got his kids again this weekend and after the last disaster, I figured it would probably be best for me to go there again so we could handle it better the second time around and make him see that his efforts won't work. (Get back on the horse so to speak.) Well, when I brought it up today, George kept coming up with road blocks as to why I shouldn't come. What the hell!? He said he had a lot of running around to do with the kids so it would be better for me to come when he has more time to spend with me. I told him that if we're going to be together, then we're going to have lots of days where we're running around a lot with the kids... is he going to tell me to stay home then?? I didn't get it, so I pushed the issue and we argued. It turns out that he feels that it's necessary to plan ahead for the weekends that I'm coming so that he can PREPARE his kids!!! This completely floored me and nothing I say will get through to him! I told him that if he continues to make a big deal out of me coming around, then all he's doing is validating Tyler's feelings. Tyler is going to feel the way he feels prepared or not. All George is doing by telling him a week or so in advance that I'm coming is making it an issue when there doesn't need to be one. Instead he should make light of the situation rather than "prepare" them. And what exactly is he preparing them for?? Am I that bad?? :( I've explained this to him over and over but he's stubborn and won't budge. I told him that the way he's handling them is doing more harm than good, but he's a Leo so he's very prideful and just gets his back up saying that I don't trust him to handle anything right. I told him that I need him to trust me on this and not make a big deal about me coming over and to just make light of it, but he won't do it and said that we should've planned further in advance so he could've prepared them. I am at my wits end and I basically gave him an ultamatum... he needs to start handling the situation right or I'm not sticking around anymore. I just can't handle it, no matter how much I love him. :(

Sorry it's so long... let me know if you have any other questions for me... and thank you!

~ Lolly

Hi again, Lolly, and thanks very much for your reply with very helpful and detailed information.

First, I'm really glad you found each other and I do hope you won't allow Tyler to come between you, so your fabulous relationship can proceed and you will both be very happy! : )

You sound like a very experienced mom and intelligent woman, who, so far, has known all the right things to do, re: Tyler, and it's a shame George is being stubborn about the 'preparing' the kids, etc.; I'm in complete agreement with you, that the more of a big deal he makes re: you coming for the weekend, the worse it will be when you get there. The day before you're coming, he can casually mention to the kids, Lolly is coming to visit us tom'w, and I'm sure you'll both be on your best behavior.

Let's remember that 11 is not a great age for a child; it's pre-adolescent, he probably thinks he 'knows it all', and the divorce has taken it's toll (on all the kids), but it's so important that parents treat their children in the right way and not give in to any rude or attention-getting behavior. In a way, George is acting like a typical divorced father, who sees his kids not every day, and tries not to make any waves, when he's with them. I realize he did reprimand Tyler, when he was rude to you, in front of you, and apologized (without meaning it, but knowing what his father wanted to hear) and that was fine, but I agree with you 200% that it's so important, especially during this period of 'testing', that both you and George show a united front and without him being a bad father, let Tyler know exactly where his place is, and how he needs to act, in order to be respectful.

Of course he resents you because you're not his mother, and he would blame ANY woman George was with, for his parents' divorce. That's human nature and common for children. Of course his mother filling his head with crap, is not helping, but again, very typical in a divorce situation. I'm so happy to hear that he's already in therapy and George can ask the therapist, privately, how to impose restrictions/take away privileges, when Tyler is disrespectful to you or anyone, if he doesn't seem to know what to do. Remember, he feels terribly guilty that he's no longer living with his kids, and that's a very difficult feeling to overcome, for a divorced dad. I'm sure your ex feels the same way, but they're two different people and your kids live with you, so you're their primary influence, and you certainly sound like you have it together. I'm not saying everything is 100%, because after all, you're going through a divorce, but you, as a good and insightful mom, know how to provide the best nurturing for your kids to help keep their lives as normal as possible, under abnormal circumstances. For men/fathers, it's so different. Keep in mind that women are natural born nurturers and men (on their own, without their children's mother--for the most part--there are men I know who are exceptions) just don't know the best way to handle all situations and, let's face it, they panic! That's what I think is going on with George re: this weekend.

I completely agree that even though the last visit ended badly and was uncomfortable for you, you are very correct (and brave) to want to go back up this weekend to 'get back on the horse', so to speak, as you put it so well, and also, so Tyler doesn't 'win' and think he scared you off.

I don't want you to push it any further with George re: this weekend, but ask specifically why he feels there are too many things planned and too much running around to do with the kids, and also, doesn't he think giving them 1-2 days notice (well, one, now that Thurs. is over) is enough, to let them know you're coming? It's not like they have to cook your meals, bake a cake, and set up the guest room for you, right? : ) It's very possible that he does have, let's say, for example, a birthday party to bring one son to, a baseball game or practice, play dates, and other activities already planned and he feels you'd either not be happy being dragged around, or, maybe he feels he would really like to spend the weekend alone with his boys, which is perfectly fine.

I would not push it, and certainly not think about breaking up with him, YET, but do discuss it with him and keep repeating with different examples, how you two, MUST present a united front to his boys and to your kids, as well, if this is going to work. Blending two families is always very stressful and not an easy task, so having the emotional tools you need, beforehand and knowing how to handle the kids' situations, is essential. You can both get lots of guidance re: Tyler, in particular, from his therapist, who knows him well, knows his problems, resentments, behavior, etc. I'll tell you, the kid sounds like a really good con artist, 'putting on' the contrite act just to please his father (and you), then doing a complete 180, a few seconds later. REALLY typical behavior for the age and for the situation. I know that doesn't help you resolve the problem, but should make you feel better, that YOU are not doing anything wrong. This child needs to be put in his place, now, or he will grow up with a barrel-full of resentments and also be a manipulative liar. Not the kind of person his father will be proud of!

I think things will improve as Tyler gets older, and more mature, but remember, you have puberty around the corner, raging hormones, etc., and it might get worse before it gets better. George needs to constantly reassure (appropriately, not overdo it) his sons that he loves them and they will always come first in his life, BUT (BIG BUT), he is also entitled to have a loving relationship with a woman, who they need to treat her with respect, as an extension of the respect they show their father. If they don't like you, (or if you are not Tyler's favorite person right now) so be it; you don't need to be 'liked', you need to be respected, first, then, you can work on them liking you for the wonderful woman/mom you are. But you need to drive home to George, that he's allowing his son to drive you apart, and that's just what Tyler wants. He's 11; he doesn't want to see his father with another woman that's not his mother, and, in addition, he doesn't want to 'share' his father with anyone. He's afraid if he does, he'll lose him, altogether. Of course, we know this isn't true at all and George will always be the good father he is, but those are Tyler's fears, and he feels if you're not in the picture, there's always a chance (in his mind) his parents will get back together.

Do you know how Tyler treats his mother's boyfriend? You mentioned that both your soon to be ex's are in other relationships. He most likely gives him the same trouble, but, one difference: in that situation, we're talking about an older (alpha?) male interacting with a younger male, and a 'man' might put Tyler in his place if he tried anything disrespectful, and he'd listen, more readily, simply due to his gender.

It's good to know that your children and your family have accepted George, well, and now you'll have to work on Tyler. It's important, at this point, that you don't discipline him, because you're NOT his mother, but you're allowed to point out when he's being disrespectful, and request an apology; then it's George's place to back you up, agree with you, and impose those restrictions of privileges, as punishment. They should be reasonable and 'fit the crime', but also cannot be carried out for EVERY infraction, if there are many; then the kid will ALWAYS be punished! : ) A 'chart' is often a useful tool, with rewards and punishments, and yes, Tyler should definitely be rewarded when he acts like a gentleman and treats you well, or doesn't do anything to make you feel UNwelcome! He can associate you with 'good' things, too. Try to ignore any of his attempts to make you feel badly. Just keep reminding yourself, 'he's only a kid'. If you DON'T react, he will not 'win', and I think you already mentioned that you've adopted that theory, so good for you!

Well, I hope I've covered everything, and please let me know your thoughts and if you have any additional questions.

I wish both your families much good luck, and hope you and George can make a successful go of it! You do sound like soulmates!

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Wow, thank you so much for putting so much time into your response and for the kind words, Cher! Smile I truly appreciate it!

With regards XXXXX XXXXX "preparing" them for my arrival, I feel that by doing so he is only affirming for Tyler that there is a problem. I agree with you 100%... a simple "Lolly's coming to visit so I expect you to be on your best behavior" the day before, or even the morning of my arrival is all that is necessary. He needs to make light of the situation while at the same time making it clear what he expects of them.

George is an amazing father and man and I love him with all my heart, but he can't get past the fact that he might not be handling the situation the best way or doing what's best for his kids. He won't accept it. He feels that because he is their father he must know what is best for them, so he won't budge. He's offended because he feels that if he "gives in" to my needs/expectations that it will mean that he doesn't know how to handle his children... his ego will be bruised. It's totally a pride thing, although he refuses to admit it, but it's crystal clear to me. And until he lets that irrelevant part of the equation go, we are never going to get through this. Frown

He's so much more sensitive to his children's needs than he is with mine. (Don't get me wrong, I completely expect him to be sensitive to his kids because this isn't a competition, that's the last thing I want... but I DO expect him to be sensitive to my needs as well.) His kids can basically say whatever they want about me or treat me however they want, and the most they ever get is a scolding. But when I try to get across to him how I feel and how his actions are affecting me (i.e. like "preparing" his children for my arrival), he doesn't seem to care. All he cares about is that I'm trying to tell him what to do so he gets his back up. I don't know how to get through to him... I don't know what to do and I'm feeling desperate and like nothing is ever going to change. I fear that no matter how much I love him, there's only so much I can take, and I'm getting extremely close to the end of my rope. Frown

Anyway, thank you for helping me. I truly appreciate it.


~ Lolly
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I forgot to reply to this part...

It's very possible that he does have, let's say, for example, a birthday party to bring one son to, a baseball game or practice, play dates, and other activities already planned and he feels you'd either not be happy being dragged around, or, maybe he feels he would really like to spend the weekend alone with his boys, which is perfectly fine.

This is true, he does have things planned to take his kids to and he does feel that I wouldn't be happy being dragged around... but shouldn't I be the one to make that decision? As far as I'm concerned, if we're together than we're together... through all the fun and frustrating times, not just when it's convenient. Right now is not the time to be excluding me... not only does it make me feel like crap, but it only makes Tyler feel like he's "winning". Not wanting to drag me around is just an excuse to cover up the real reason, which was that he never prepared his kids that I was coming this weekend. It's ridiculous!

And as far as him wanting to spend the weekend alone with his boys... that's all fine and great, but I gotta say, I never feel like I have to spend time with my kids without George. I love him and we're supposed to be a family... we're eventually getting married... I think of him as my spouse already and we would be married already if it wasn't for having to wait for the divorces to be final. I don't know, it just makes me feel bad. It probably shouldn't, but it does.

In a nutshell, I think the whole situation just makes me feel very insecure - the way the kids treat me and get away with it (especially Tyler), the way George seems only sensitive to their needs, the way he doesn't give them consequences, the way it took forever for him to start bringing me around his family (that took about 9 months too), etc. etc. etc. Everything just makes me feel really insecure in the relationship and I hate it.

Oh and to answer your question... Tyler treats his mom's boyfriend just fine! He has no problems with him and they do stuff together. He has a problem with ME because he blames me for everything.

Anyway, thanks again for all your help, Cher! :)

~ Lolly

Hi again, Lolly, and you're most welcome!

Thanks very much for your replies, your accept, and most generous bonus. They are greatly appreciated. I'm glad I could be of help, and I understand completely, where you're coming from.

This problem has multiple parts that need to be conquered and only if you and George work together, can they be resolved. Try to put yourself in his place, re: his children; I know this is difficult, because you're not a man/father, but the way mothers and fathers react to divorce and their children, are so different. Tyler blames you for everything, because you're the best target, in his 11 year old mind.

Re: his mother's boyfriend, [Tyler thinks]: hey, he's a guy, we do 'guy' things together, I'm not resentful that my mom is with him, things are 'different' around the house, now, but that's okay, I still get to see dad, and do fun, guy things with mom's boyfriend. Mom still takes care of me the same, I get her attention, not much has changed.

Re: you--Dad is always trying to impress her and be nice to her, he doesn't give me all his attention when she's here. She 'tries' to be nice, but I know deep down she just does that to fool dad, she's *really* saying: 'yay, George is mine now, and he likes me best; better than his kids and better than my mom. If it weren't for HER, my mom and dad would still be together, she took him away from my mom and made our family fall apart.

George falls for this act, you see through it. It's just because women and men/moms and dads are wired differently. George waited 9 months to introduce you to his kids, because he was scared and he knows his kids (Tyler) and he knew this was coming. He's not forceful enough with Tyler, because he's afraid of alienating him and he's terribly guilty he's getting divorced. Not because he still wants to be with his ex wife, but because he feels like when the family split up, he disappointed his kids and let them down. Dad is dad, dad is the strong one who will always keep this family together (we all know the mom does this, in most cases, but the kids usually see it differently). NOW, the parents are NOT together, why? Well, things at mom's house (my [Tyler's] house) are pretty much the same, except mom's boyfriend is always around, but he's nice enough and we do great stuff. At dad's house, when SHE is there, things are different, dad acts differently, we don't get to do so much fun stuff. She's trying to take my mother's place, and she's not, and will never be, my mother. She's trying to steal my dad from me.

While I understand you being at the end of your rope, feeling that George is trying to appease his kids more than make you happy (and there IS a happy medium), he's very conflicted about this situation, and if he won't listen to reason from YOU, he needs to get professional help from either Tyler's therapist, as I mentioned, or let him find his own therapist (if he's not seeing anyone, now), to get ideas re: the parenting that needs to be done to keep his kids in line, while still showing them he loves them and cares about him, but he's with YOU now, as his 'partner'. Joining a divorced father's group may also help. He can hear about other men's similar problems, introduce his, and get suggestions from dad's who have already experienced this, and learn how they resolved the problems.

Yes, of course you should have been 'consulted' and asked about the things he's planning this weekend, and if you'd be interested in 'coming with', but he's not used to thinking that way. He's centered on what his kids activities are, on the weekends he has them.

You do sound like you're meant for each other, you have declared your love for each other, so try your best to salvage your relationship by working around the Tyler problem. If you give up now, Tyler will always rule his 'divorced/guilty' dad's life, until he is an older teen and more interested in girls, himself, not home as much, etc. You're not waiting that long. This is how things are, and Tyler will have to accept it. He doesn't have to like it, he has to accept it or resign himself to it, and if his father doesn't assert himself now, Tyler will win and George and you will be miserable, whether you stay together or are apart.

Where were you planning on living, after you got married, if you're now in two different states, 3 hours apart? Neither of you would want to uproot the kids from their schools and their friends, etc. Since Tyler and his brother live with their mother, I guess that's not a problem, but he'd still need to be relatively close to them, to maintain his current visitation schedule.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks again for your thorough response! Smile

You are right on everything you said, and I know for certain that I would be much more understanding of all the things you mentioned if I felt like George and I were a real team and that he was looking out for and protecting me and our relationship too. But so far I really haven't felt that. So I get my back up and start feeling resentful... it's not good, and I'm feeling really helpless and hopeless about the situation. No matter what I say I just can't get through to him, and that hurts.

I agree, if he's not going to listen to me then he should talk to a therapist. (Which really sucks... that alone makes me feel like crap considering I always listen to him. I value his input and respect his opinion when he tries to help me with different situations, but I don't seem to get the same respect in return... instead he gets defensive with me.)

I actually made an appointment for relationship counseling for both us for this coming Tuesday. Do you think it's ok if we do it together or do you think he should do it alone? I personally think we should do it together but I'd like to get your feedback on that. By the way, Tyler's therapist seriously stinks in my opinion. George has told me many things she has said that we've both disagreed with. I've suggested several times that he should find a better therapist for Ty, but he won't.

To answer your question, the plan is for George to move to NY with me. He will still have the same visitation of every other weekend with his kids, and he's committed to seeing them that much at the very least, so he will be doing a lot of traveling, but my hope is that some of those weekends his kids will actually come to NY and stay with us. This is another area where I feel really hopeless because I don't think George is ever going to competely make the transition to live here... but that's a whole other ball of wax.

Let me know if you have any other questions... and thanks again, Cher! Sealed

~ Lolly

Hi again, Lolly, and you're quite welcome; it's my pleasure to help you through this.

I think starting to see a relationship counselor is a great idea, and will help you communicate more effectively with each other, so I'm very pleased to hear you've made this appointment. You can approach this in various ways: you see the counselor first, to lay out what your view as the problems, George can do the same, or you can go together to the first session and you'll each be able to express your thoughts. Try making a list, beforehand, of the things you'd like to discuss and seek resolutions for. The most important, as I understand it, is the Tyler 'friction' and also the fact that George won't take your parenting advice, re: the situation.

You mentioned that he's helped you with some problems in the past, and you welcomed his advice and input, in addition to respecting his points of view. With him not seeming to listen to, or 'validate' your suggestions re: Tyler (and any other facets of your relationship), it reduces your view of your 'value' in the relationship and makes you feel like 'crap' as you said, so make sure you express this to the counselor, and perhaps he can be given some methods to alleviate this.

If you both feel that Ty's therapist is not being effective, by all means, urge George to find another one who will make more of a difference.

You know, it's funny re: advice; we can give it, but it doesn't always have to be taken, and when it's not, we feel like we've been ignored or not validated, but it's like the old adage: "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". Even though you and I think your advice to George re: Ty is the best, XXXXX XXXXX not to implement it. I wouldn't take this personally and feel like crap about it. It's not a personal attack or insult to you. As we've discussed, this is just a very sensitive matter to George and he wants to do what's best for Ty and not seem to be 'taking sides', in Ty's eyes. I understand why you feel hurt by this, and agree with your point of view, completely. Feeling helpless and hopeless is to be expected, if he won't listen to reason, but you really can't allow this to lead to the breakdown of your relationship, and I'm sure the counselor will help with that.

I assumed George would be moving in with you, because you have your kids and his kids live with their mother. Yes, he will be doing a lot of traveling back and forth, to see his kids, but he knew that, and obviously won't mind. Yes, it would be great if they could spend 'his' weekends, occasionally, with you, in NY, and I know of course, that may be tense at first, but I think it would be a good idea to try.

Please keep me updated on how things are going!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, Cher! Smile

I totally understand that he doesn't have to take my advice, and there have been less serious situations when I've been ok with that, but in this particular situation I feel very strongly for obvious reasons, because if he doesn't take my advice this time, then things are only going to get worse with Tyler... and since his bad behavior is aimed directly at me then I would think my input on the situation should matter, ya know?

I will definitely keep you updated on our progress! Thank you so much for all your help! You're the best! Wink


~ Lolly Smile

Hi again, Lolly.

Yes, I understand exactly what you're saying and yes, it's very important that he consider your input and you work together to resolve Tyler's problem, since the behavior IS aimed at you.

You're so very welcome, and I'm happy to help. Please do keep me posted, and I send my best thoughts and wishes for everything to work out with you two (and all the kids)!

Just click 'reply', on this 'request for information', when you want to post again, and/or update me, okay? Thanks!

Hugs back!
Cher : )