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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I have been married for 16 years and this past year has been

Customer Question

I have been married for 16 years and this past year has been really difficult. He has been surfing porn on the internet. He emailed a women at work for a while this summer and had her phone number but never called her that I know of. But yesterday he set up a separate email and my space account and was looking for a women and found her on my space they talked and he gave her his cell phone number and email, she gave him hers. She told him what days she worked and wants to get together to ride his motorcycle and he said yes. He also told her to call him when he goes to work to talk. He has no idea i have his password XXXXX my space and I know all of this. My question is how do I approach him about this or what can I do to stop her or him from calling each other or getting together. i have a real problem with her sitting on the motorcycle where i normally sit. he seems so distant and wont talk to me very much I am concerned and do not know where to go?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



I am sorry you have been dealing with this, its really unfair for him to get himself into situations where there is a high probability that it could turn into something more.


With that being said, you have to talk to him.........and soon. Before he has a chance to make the biggest mistake of his life. Waiting to see if he does it is not a good idea, many men often do not see what they are risking until after they have taken that leap so my suggestion is to step up before that happens.


I would suggest that you set up a time where you can talk to him in a calm rational mood. Wait until after he is relaxed from work, and not stressed out about anything. Then instead of asking him (Because if you ask, he is encouraged to lie) be straight forward and tell him what you know. Let him know that you know about the porn, the my space and the women. Be firm, but also remain calm and try not to get angry. Showing him your disappointed and even hurt is fine.....but try not to get so emotional that you cry. When you become this emotional you are likely going to be lose your temper and may become confrontational which will lead to him shutting down.


Hopefully he will be straight forward and honest about it......again do not pose your questions to him in a way that will allow him to lie. Let him know what you know, then ask him why or what his intentions are. Let him have time to speak, this is important. If you dominate the conversation it will seem more like a lecture and less like you communicating with him.


And finally let him know how all this made you feel and where you want to go from here. Can you trust him to change? Or is he likely going to simply change his pass words and start again. If so then you may want to lay down some ground rules....such as he must go to marriage counseling with you and he ends all contact with this women.


Now after that is not the time to sit back and relax, let him know this is serious and could be a deal breaker......while you should not use it against him he should know that this is VERY serious and not something you intend to take lightly. He should know that you are upset by this and that you expect real change out of him.


I know this is hard, but sitting back and allowing it to go on isn't going to help matters at all. You must deal with this like any other bump in your relationship and demand commitment from him.



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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
He works 3rd shift and we have 5 kids. I know tonight he will sleep until time to go to work which is around 10. And I know he told her to call him after 10. He will be home around 7:30 am and after the kids leave I will have an hour before work. Do you think that would be the best time. How do I start the conversation? Do I said I know what you ve been doing?
Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



No, I would not advise you to have the talk when you only have a hour till you have to go to work. Is there anyway you can call off for the day or go in late? I would deem this as a emergency and thus a day off would be understandable. If not then either doing it then, or as soon as you can is best.


Yes, start out with the truth. Simply say, "I know what you have been doing online, I already know about the women and the phone calls as well as the suggestion that she meet you up at work" Then move on with what ever else you have to say, but keep it brief so he has a chance to express his side of the story and what he was thinking.