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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Oh gosh I never thought Id be in my 40s and so unsure of myself

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Oh gosh I never thought I'd be in my 40s and so unsure of myself when it comes to dating I really need some input here, especially from the men, because I'm driving myself nuts. Bear with me this is a little long. I'm divorced no kids, have been dating about 4 yrs now. Fell in love again a year ago and lost my love when he had a sudden heart attack and died. Since then I've dated a bit but I always seem to end up with divorced guys that have more issues than God. I dated a guy that i really liked but felt no attraction nor fire for, I just thought he was good for me and that I could make it work, but the attraction thing made it impossible in the end. Now I finally met a guy through on line dating that I'm wildly attracted to. The problem, we live 2.5 hrs. apart and he's got 2 kids, mostly the distance is the problem.

He was anxious to meet me and said he felt sure we'd get along. he drove up my way and we hit it off fabulously. from the start he asked me questions about if I would expect him to convert to my religion to fit in with my family, which seemed a bit quick. After the dinner, we kissed and it was nice. He emailed me the next day saying he had a business trip for a week but wanted to see me and could I drive down and spend the day with him and that I could spend the night but we'd sleep apart, I did want to see him.

We had a fabulous time, we didn't leave the house, we didnt' want to , we were so compatible on every level, we took a walk then listened to music and drank wine and talked all night, he had a flight early the next am. we talked a lot about our wants and desires and our compatibility. He has dated quite a bit and I was very clear that I am not looking to fool around that I am only interested in a relationship and he said that he absolutely wanted only the same that he was done dating around. The sexual attraction and tension between us was pretty unbelievable and while we did fool around a bit I insisted that we not sleep together, even though I wanted to. We slept in the bed together and I told him I was scared we were moving too fast he reassured me that everything felt right. He left and told me to stay in his home and rest up before the drive home and I did. He was in touch with me during the week to ask me if I felt ok about things and to ask to see me again. Now I had to travel and I was almost glad, I didn't want to be too available. He said he has been thinking about me and we decided that I would come down to see him the day he returned from his trip and the day before I departed for mine and I did.

He was jet lagged and tired but we talked a lot about the pace of things about how fast to take it and I expressed my hesitation but we agreed that the attraction was so strong and the compatibility amazing. he brought me a gift from his trip, alittle box with a couple on it signifying unity, he told me to put my wishes inside and they would come true. I thanked him and he said not to get too excited that it wasn't like an engagement ring and i told him I wasn't quite expecting that, that we weren't even close to that yet, we laughed.

He's quite open about things, asking me a lot of questions, we did talk a lot. That night we did make love, about 3 times, it was amazing like we both knew it would be. The next morning we made love again. I've been so careful not to say too much. I let him take the lead in terms of wanting a third or a fourth date and I reciprocate, I'm too unsure of myself to take the initiative with him, it feels uncomfortable, i want him to show interest in me and I don't want to be too available or needy. He complained about how a few women talked marriage w/ him from the start and I told him that a woman should never look to a man to complete her and that i want to come into a relationship as a complete person looking for someone to complement me and be my partner not complete me.

So here we are, my insecurities are killing me. We said goodbye that morning and he said next time he would come up to see me but didn't know his schedule. I didn't press, I only said we'll be in touch during the week and we'll figure it out, then I left. He emailed me immediately telling me that he enjoyed my company so much and that I saved him from the wilderness, he said we've crossed the line and now we're lovers and that he missed me already, i reciprocated.

Now I'm overseas on my trip and tired, jet lagged, insecure and worried. Everything has gone right, it's the first time in dating that I've been so upfront about what I want that I'm not into fooling around, that I want a relationship and he has reciprocated that or taken the initiative to say that himself. My worry is, we slept together, is that the kiss of death? It was amazing, comfortable, sensual, erotic. I asked him if he thought he moved to fast and he said, not at all, everything was natural. I like him, I want to to date him but I've been so careful not to appear too needy or too into him but enough to drive to see him and let him know that I enjoy his company and that he turns me on. I'm so tired of analyzing my every move but we've emailed a few times today and I don't know when I'll see him next and I'm so worried that I screwed it up by sleeping with him or something. Men, ladies, given what I've told you, what do you think? Did i mess the whole thing up? I'm a sexual person, do I have to hold out intentionally just to hold out? Please, some advice, input here..
Submitted: 8 years ago via HealthBoards.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello Virginia,

I don't think you did anything wrong. From your description, you got to know each other online through emails, on the phone, etc., and I do not think sleeping together was the kiss of death for the relationship. You both wanted it, it was fabulous, so don't beat yourself up about it.

I think for now, since it IS still the beginning of your relationship, do what you proposed to do; take things slowly, continue to communicate and get to know even more about each other, and see each other in person as you can. I agree that you shouldn't move too quickly and definitely do not appear needy, but being truthful and honest is the basis of every successful relationship, so if there's give and take re: your genuine feelings for/about each other, you're not giving in too quickly. It's sort of hard to play hard to get with a long distance relationship. At least you're reasonably 'close' enough to see each other when you're able, and when you'd like to. He could be 3000 miles and a 5 hour plane ride away, instead of a 2.5 hour drive, so you're fortunate.

Don't be so insecure in what you're doing. Spontaneity is great in a relationship, but as long as you've thought out and talked out, with him, what your hopes, dreams and goals are, regarding a relationship, go with the flow, but do be cognizant of your actions so you don't throw yourself headfirst into this new relationship too quickly.

I think it sounds like you're very compatible and I wish you the best of luck that all will work out beautifully!

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Should I panic because we exchanged emails once since yesterday and I haven't heard from him again, the last email was the one he sent, he said he'd write more later so I thought I'd just let him do that and not respond. He didn't say anything major in the email anyway.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply and your accept. Thanks also for your patience. I was offline when you responded.

No, I would not panic at this time; something unexpected may have happened or he was spending time with his kids, so he couldn't find just the best time to write again, yet.

Since *his* email was last, there would be nothing wrong with you writing to make sure all was well, just light and airy, how was your day, etc., but you can also wait a little while longer, to see if he WILL write more later. Sometimes, people say they'll write later, but then they get busy and time prevents that. Try to be patient, see if he writes more today/tonight, and if not, dash off a note to him either before bed or tomorrow morning, but don't mention that you were waiting, because he mentioned he'd write more later.