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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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I dont know what to do anymore. I cannot stand to be around

Resolved Question:

I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot stand to be around my husband. We have had the same set of problems from day one. Plenty of fights, then apologies, then empty promises. We have four children and plenty of money problems - to the point that I truly don't think we can afford counseling. When we fight and I explain myself, he apologizes and promises to step up. How do you not accept that and attempt to move on? But it's always the same. He always disappoints. I feel trapped and unhappy and alone.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-How long have you been married?


-What are your children's ages?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I am 36, he is 37. This is a second marriage for both of us, although we have known each other for nearly 20 years. We will be married 6 years in a few months. The 4 kids are ages 10, 11, 12, 13.


He is a nice guy, but not a grown up to me. He goes to work and contributes his money. He doesn't cheat, he doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, isn't abusive - so it's hard for most people to understand the issues.


He doesn't contribute to the family in a non-monetary way. I have 100% of the responsibilities for the house, the bills, the shopping, the cooking, the appointments, kids' schoolwork, their friends, our friends, our families, holidays, bdays, gifts, morals, values, everything. He goes to work, comes home, and will run some errands as he is asked.


Even for Easter, I made all the plans with both sides of the families, did easter basket shopping, grocery shopping, cleaned the house, cooked, made plans. All I asked is that he get up and help out that morning with hiding eggs, etc. I got up early to get a jump on things, i heard his alarm go off, he turned it off and went back to bed. Then it was my fault because if it was so important to me i should have gone and got him out of bed.


He refuses to deal or talk about anything. He is very defensive about everything. Any time I tell him that it is something that he has done that is upsetting me, he trys to turn it around and accuse me of something. I don't speak to him at all at this point. I even have gotten to the point that I hide things or outright lie to him. Not about anything important or bad - just so that I don't have to speak to him.



Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Your marriage is lacking one of the major things that makes a marriage healthy and happy, "COMMUNICATION" although you have told him how you feel about things he cannot do the same which makes the marriage look one sided. This is nothing to divorce over, it's something petty that you both can work on together but he has to want to work with you in order to save your marriage, he may not think it's major but to you it's major enough to be fed up and ready to leave. If you haven't already you need to tell him it's serious enough that you want to leave, he has to know how serious this is now. The biggest downfall in a marriage and communicating, is not the message you are trying to relay, but the way it is being interpreted. We have to make sure that when we do communicate with our spouses, that we send clear signals without conflict to get our message through. To become effective with doing this we must gain a little understanding in regards XXXXX XXXXX we say things, if you sound like you are talking to your child then your husband will feel like you are treating him like one so try to tell him what you want and what he is doing wrong without sounding like your chastising him.


Placing the blame with words like "you" can make them shut down also, for example if you say to your husband , "You need to do this" or "you aren't doing this" they start to feel like a child and then shut down maybe if you try asking like this: "Could you do this for me" or " Will you do this for me" it's much more affective than to say you, you, you. To be successful in how to communicate with your spouse, I think you need to be truthful and honest with our feelings and say what we mean, and understand what we are trying to get across. Miscommunication and misinterpretation is another huge downfall with being able to have a pleasant conversation with your husband you are both taking what you are trying to say the wrong way instead of asking what they meant. Unless you tell him, he will not know why you get so frustrated. Instead of being resentful and cutting off communication try talking to him when you both have down time and not when things need to be done around the house and taking children here or there talk to him when you are laying in the bed and everyone has gone to bed. This way you know you have his undivided attention.


Tell him you need to talk and that you just need him to listen. You may want to say something like "I really need to talk about this situation. It will make me feel better about what is going on." Let him know that you are not asking him for advice on how to fix the issue but that he help you by simply being interested and by listening to your feelings and what you want. If it has something to do with him, focus on your feelings and not on his faults. Instead of saying "You did not..." say "I feel angry that..." If you blame him, it will cause him to defend his actions even if he knows he is wrong. If you talk loudly and become agitated, he will too so try to be calm and not go into the conversation mad take a moment and calm down first and then go talk to him. It may take time for your husband to realize that him healing you around will take pressure off of yo and the marriage in the long run. When he does do something you asked him to do start by giving him a thank you or an emotion thank you like a hug, kiss, smile. If he sees that these things make you happy and less arguments he will try harder to do it more often.

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