replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply.
It sounds from your description, like you did everything you were supposed to, when he was younger, and recognizing a problem, then bringing him to a therapist for family therapy WITH you, was a very smart move on your part. While I don't feel it was appropriate for the therapist to say you were probably just going to let the Law deal with him, at least you made the effort to bring him to therapy. If the therapist thought he was a 'hopeless case', he should have recommended you to a different therapist who could give you better insight. Also, if the therapist said this in front of your son, that gave him 'permission' to mess up, with the advance knowledge he would just end up in jail, anyway, and making that statement was really not proper for the therapist, under the circumstances.
I don't think you should blame yourself for the illegal things your son did (and may be doing, now) and the trouble he go into. Once he was over 18 and no longer a 'minor' child, there was not much you could do. Before he was 18, you did your best, XXXXX XXXXX an only child may have something to do with it, but not all only children get into trouble. I'm assuming his father was not in the picture, since you make no mention of him. If this is so, he may have been lacking a strong male role model, and because you were 'softer' with him, being the mom, he took advantage.
I'm most concerned about your current suspicion that he may be selling an illegal substance, to pay his bills. When you started listing all the expenses he pays, I was going to ask, how can he do this without a steady job? Then, you answered that for me.
I think, at this particular time, you need to have a serious talk with him, with or without his wife present, and give him the stark facts: "if you're involved in something illegal, I will bounce your rear end out of this house and you and your family will be homeless, unless and until you find a place to live, at a rent you can afford (which I don't think exists). In addition, continue any illegal activity and you will be facing jail time AGAIN, and believe me, you WILL be caught. Everyone thinks they won't be caught, but someone you consider a 'friend' OR an 'enemy' WILL sell you out, if you're not caught by the police, due to a stroke of dumb luck. You have a wife and three young children to support, and who rely on you. Do you WANT to risk going to jail again? I'm sure you don't; then, stop all illegal activity and become the husband and father your family needs and deserves.
Look for a new job every weekday, until you find something, anything, and do your job, don't mouth off to anyone, and bring home a steady paycheck. Once you keep a job for a decent amount of time (a year or more), YOU can choose where you'd rather work, and start applying to other places, if this job is not your first choice. A person with your background really can't have a first choice at this particular time; you should consider yourself lucky to be hired by anyone, with your poor work background and past legal problems.
If you don't make more of an effort to get a job which will support your family and pay the bills, I'm afraid I won't be able to help you anymore....you'll have to be on your own, and decide what's best for you your family. I've helped you out all these years, and you still don't seem to 'get it'. You need to correct your attitude, realize that no one owes you a living, and you need to make your own way. And lose the anger and chip on your shoulder. If you don't do that, you will never keep a job for long and you will not be a happy person, plus you'll be putting your family in jeopardy. If you feel you need help from a professional, like a counselor, to accomplish this, I will be more than happy to to help you with that. All you need to do is ask me."
This is what I suggest you say to your son, and see what his reaction is. Don't say it in a threatening or angry way; speak matter of factly, but from your heart, and tell him you love him and feel he's so much better than this.
Unfortunately, and even though you are worried for your grandchildren, etc., if he doesn't take your advice, you might have to take action to make your son realize you're not just making idle threats, but you mean what you say. If, at this young age, and with a family, he does not realize he must straighten out, I'm afraid things may end badly. When a young man is involved in selling something like marijuana, he's associating with unsavory people, as I'm sure you're aware, and this does not bode well for him or his family.
I hope things work out well for him and for you.
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