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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21446
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I want out

Resolved Question:

I have 2 daughters 7 years old and 3 months old. My husband and I have been married for 15 years, but I've been the only one committed to the marriage. He got drunk and called one of my girlfriends and told her that he had a lot of female friends and that I was jealous. He bought a cellphone with a female and have numerous emotional affairs to the point it has broken our bond. I met one of his co-workers girlfriends and she made the comment that my husband was"such the ladies man". he leaves the house and tells me to "stay sweet" which he never says to me. I have confronted him and the women, but I'm tired. He has made comments in front of people that have been very disrespectful to me. He loves to flirt and doesn't even care if me and the girls are with him. I cheated on him after I found an email he sent to an ex-girlfriend. I've become bitter and angry. I've changed for the worse since I've been married to him and I don't like who I've become. Counseling, prayer nothing worked
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi,Customer and thanks for your question.

When you say you've tried counseling, did you go yourself, or did both you and your husband go, to a marriage counselor?

How long ago do you feel your marriage began to break down? Were things good at the beginning, and then they slowly changed?

How long ago did you cheat on him? Did this only happen once? Does he know about it?

Is he a good father?

Thanks for all your additional details.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We tried marriage counseling together in 2005, I believe he would barely talk to the counselor. I've tried individual counseling. He's always had female friends, but the marriage broke down when he allowed another female classmate to contact him when I went home to visit my family in 2005. In 12/06, he purchased a cellphone with another female in 1/2007, he never produced the cellphone and won't admit how long he had been talking to her. He the he contacted an ex-girlfriend and told her she was the one he should have married 9/2007. He even met a young lady online 5/07 and tried to hook up with her. I discovered the email to his ex girl-friend 1/08 and I decided to have a brief affair in 2/08, which I know was wrong, silly me thought it would ease the pain. My episode was 1 time and he found out through the guy, because I would not admit to it. He has text msg and pics that we had exchanged via the phone. He is a good provider, I think he could be a better father, my daughter loves him and I would never take away that from her. I've changed I've become bitter and angry and I don't like it. I can't let things go because they were never resolved. My daughter's self-esteem is suffering because I yell at her when she doesn't do what she is suppose to do. I want out and I don't know how to get out without causing a big mess. There is no trust, no respect in this marriage. He wants to move on and work on the marriage, but I can't. I have never felt safe or secure in my marriage with him.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

If you have never felt secure or safe in your marriage with him, and you're fed up with his infidelity and lying, plus you say you want to get out, you're going to have to move on with your own plan and make a happier life for yourself, with your children.

It's not fair to take out your anger on your daughter, as you mentioned, but it's human nature, and if you are unhappy, it WILL adversely affect your relationship with your children and other aspects of your life.

It's admirable that he wants to move on and work on the marriage, but at this point, it may be too little, too late. If you say you can't, you have to follow your better instincts and not continue to live with a man who has blatantly cheated on you, under your nose. Yes, the affair you had was wrong, and you admit that you did that out of anger; it's understandable, but of course doesn't make it right, however, you felt pushed into that behavior because of what he was doing. His behavior has not been appropriate for a husband/father for a long time, and he has caused the demise of this marriage by his own actions.

Your daughter (and the baby) will still get to see him, and he'll always be their father, but I think your next step would be to contact an attorney and find out how to proceed, regarding a trial separation. If you're able to reconcile after more counseling and he's able to change his ways, that would be great, if it's what you want, but for now, you owe it to yourself to be happy and you deserve a marriage/relationship where you do feel safe and secure. If he can't provide this for you, you have to take the necessary steps to become happy and provide a more positive atmosphere for your children.

I wish you much good luck, and hope everything works out well for you and your family.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

It's hard, but I haven't been truly happy since I married him, he wants me to change my appearance by not wearing my wigs, toning down my makeup and not wearing tube tops, but yet in still he can look at women dressed the same way I am.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply and your accept.

Yes, I know it's hard, but you need to put yourself first, now, and for the good of your children, and it's not selfish, to want to be happy.

Many men are like that; they don't want their wife to dress in a certain way, but will be very happy to see other women dressed in the same way. Ask him why he wants you to change your appearance; he obviously liked it when he first met you and fell in love with you, right? If you want to, you can tone down your appearance, somewhat, and see if it makes a difference in his attitude, but you must want to do this for yourself and not only because he wants you to. You can 'compromise' on still having the same general appearance, but tone it down a bit. If he wants you to look like a frumpy housewife, he knows he's not going to get that!

If you haven't been truly happy since you married him, you deserve to be happy, so you'll have to take the first steps to make a positive change in your life.