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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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hi there! to briefly explain my situation i have met my boyfriend

Customer Question

hi there! to briefly explain my situation i have met my boyfriend nearly 8 years ago online. we have kept visiting back and forth and sustained a long distance relationship until last december, when i moved in. i was living on the west coast of canada and he lives on the east coast of usa. weve had talks of marriage, but as much as he claims he is ready, and thats when the subjec ceases. another problem is financial, he is working to pay his bills mainly, and i yet dont have a job since it is a legal procedure in order for me to get a status, and finding an employer that will sponsor me with my little college education is difficult, yet when it comes to taking a step up in a realtionship and possibly seeking marriage, all i get is "it will happen" or "it costs money". i am the type of person who has spend significant amount of time disregarding my priorites when it comes to school and furthering my career for this realtionship, so my question is should i stay or should i go?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


I think you should stay and wait out the legal situation to have you become able to work and go to school in the US but marrying your boyfriend would help to speed that up but if he isn't quite ready then he isn't ready. I would give him some time before asking him again sometimes when you ask a man too many times they start to get gun shy about taking that step and it is a major step. I would give it another four to six months and then ask again and then make your decision from there. You don't want to throw away 8 years for something so minor as your boyfriend being afraid, he may want to wait until you are able to legally work and go to school here before making taking that major step, mentally you are both ready to marry but financially you are not this seems to be the only issue so that is what you will have to work on, there is nothing wrong with him being worry about whether you will be financially ready if you were to get married now. What is four to six months out of your life? If you do decide to leave because of his dragging his feet make sure you have given him every opportunity and time to think about the while situation before up and leaving, giving him time also means not mentioning the marriage issue for a while and then when the four to six month is up then talk to him about it again but explain to him now you moved to the US in hope of spending the rest of your life with him as man and wife not as roommates and see what he reply is.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
i appreciate your quick answer. i dont mind waiting it out, it is more less the inability for me to work and have my own money as well. i have talked to him about my situation plenty of times, and i do have bills that i need to pay off as well, and when the day comes up when im out of the money, he hasnt offered to help out with them, nor do i expect him to, but in the same token i do need to be having a income as soon as possible. he cried for me to be here for so long, and here i am. and as for marriage he is more less set on buying an expensive ring, and spending that extra money which is far away from now or anytime soon unless one of us hits the lottery. then he wants to support his hobbies, he wants to buy a dog, he wants a second vehicle, he needs to fix the car, etc. and yes some of those things are a priority and when we were apart thats all he would talk about for years we should get married, and now that im here he wants other things. and im not quite comprehending this behavior! when we argue i see a projection of self insecurity and low self esteem, so when i address the issue he in return "does not like to be criticized in anyway", or issue is brought up to him in a manner "can you not please do this it bothers me" he will use excuses against me like "but its ok for you to do what you did last month" or "you do it too". he will get angry and he always feels judged, so it seems like it would be the best not to say anything and stay quiet, but that is not my character, even though i know i can come off assertive at times. he does nice things with me on the weekend, we go out, yet i feel its done beacuse he has to or if i had said something. other than that he would spend the whole weekend off playing video games or at the computer and if i say something the answer is "at least im not out at the club and checking out other women". to me it is boring, unmotivating, and i dont feel like we have time to do this at our age. i do realize compromising and giving a realtionship a try is essential to make it stronger, yet some of these traits are simply him and i dont want to change it entirely or be the one who constantly complains, so all i can do is change me or my situation. i feel some things shouldnt have to be told but should come naturally. he is almost 34 and im approaching my 30's. i would like the change for the better, i would like us to have goals and be happy and not miserable at the beggining of our experience of what is like to be in a realtionship in person for once. i really and truly feel that im being taken for granted at times. i do really care for him and have a great love for this man, and i know he feels the same, but our characters tend to be somewhat different and it hard to overcome them or let them be which would mean one person needs to stay quiet and accept it as is and change who they are .
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Neither of you should have to change for the other, you have known him for eight years though on the computer it should have been clear what you both wanted before moving in with him, with that being said you have to voice your concerns to him even if he doesn't want to hear it that is important in a relationship to communicate to the other how you are feeling and what you want out of the relationship. There are ups and downs in every relationship but I think that long distance relationships and internet relationships are much harder because it's hard to get to know someone because you live so far apart and you don't see their likes and dislikes and what they are like on an everyday basis. If you do not work these issues out now then they will only get worse and now isn't a time to get married when you have so many issues to have to deal with. You are right relationships are about compromise and being able to bend a little bit and over look their faults. What you are going to have to do is honestly tell him you are not happy and things aren't as you thought they would be when you move to be with him. If he knows that you are unhappy or even thinking about leaving he may try harder but he won't know unless you tell him. If he loves you as much as you love him he will do whatever it takes to work things out and if not then it may be time for you to think about leaving but don't make any decisions until you talk to him first.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
i have had a talk with him not too long ago and tried to explain to him that things are not quite how i thought they would turn out to be, and his reply was "dont let me keep you from being happy, you obviously havent given us enough time and are ready to bail out, and a person cant change overnight, relationships take time and ive never done this before!" Not much has changed since then, there are a few things which i very much so appreciate. To be hoest with you I have come to a point when we were apart I was ready to move on and see where life would take me, as he ended up in the hospital since he became suicidal. Thats one thing that worries me the worse. Im not here for that kind of attention anymore, but knowing that he is so strongly attached to me and even if our paths in life separate, thats the least thing I would want to experienece once again :(