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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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what if im happily married but my wife is 100% sexless and

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what if i'm happily married but my wife is 100% sexless and I'm dying of frustartion ? Counselling, psychs, prayer, doctors all tried over 25 years !!


If you feel you have tried everything to get your wife to get sexually intimate with you maybe you could try a romantic getaway or a spa retreat it may be little things that your wife wants from you to make her feel like you are attracted to her and make her feel appreciated, make sure that your surprise will delight and excite your wife. You may find this hard, considering the fact that you have been together for so long. Another sexy way to spice up a marriage is to have a little diversity in your sexual positions or where you get intimate. You may also think of the oddest things which you have not done before while making love. Find an unusual spot around your house to share intimate time with her. Try to live past all sexual expectations of your wife and just let your thoughts run wild.


There's nothing like a romantic getaway to get the intimacy back into your marriage. It seems like alot of your problem is neither of you are communicating what the other needs and wants as far as intimacy goes, there's nothing more romantic than a getaway for just the two of you to celebrate each other, you can't go wrong with planning a little "us" time together. Also try planning a date night at least twice a week where you are courting her again like you did when you started dating. Most married couples get into a boring routine and that needs to change. Go out and do what you both love to do, go to a movie, go bowling, go out to dinner, relive the good old days when you were dating and what she liked to do the most with you. She may feel unappreciated so you should say thank you to her when she does something for you and tell her you really appreciate her. If your wife cooks the dinner than maybe one day you can cook her a surprise dinner or bring home her favorite take out and eat it with candles and soft music. You would be surprise what little things mean to a woman from her husband.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi Kimberley and thanks for your answers. I do appreciate it.


I didn't realise I could type more detail into my original question, so I didn't give you much information to go on.


Sadly, though, we have tried (and yes, I have tried) ALL those things - but she just isn't INTERESTED in sex at all, let alone trying different positions or places !!! I can help around the house all day, take her to dinner, go to movies, spend time chatting happily over coffee . . . . it all helps to build the relationship, but NOTHING helps for sex. She gets massages, strokes, cuddles, affirmation, but it's to no avail - she might help me to orgasm occasionally (e.g, every 3 months) but it's hardly a sex life.


I'm sorry but your answers are ALL the "standard" answers we have heard from every counsellor and we've done it all, we are best friends, BUT there is negligible SEX content. She is frigid and doesn't want to learn anything to help her enjoy erotic things.


If you are totally out of ideas, so am I. A minister I know spent a long time with me, and eventually conceded "gee, you're between a rock and a hard place". I have prayed endlessly about this for years, but the fact is I have to stop trying to change my wife and I am at the point where SEX and MARRIAGE have to be 2 separate things. Any other ideas ? Thanks, Don.



Have you taken her to a Doctor to see if some type of Medication can help her have more of a sex drive I know as some women get older their sex drive gets less and less? Please answer that question for me so that I can better answer your questions. Thank you.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Dear XXXXXberley,

Thanks for the question.

My wife does NOT see anything "wrong" with her. I can't get her to counselling any more, let alone a doctor !! She never had sex drive, full stop. I don't think you are grasping that. She enjoyed sex a bit when we first got married, then we had kids and that's the last 20 years gone :-) Quarterly sex, maybe occasionally two weeks running, but she won't try anything new, no new lingerie, will hardly ever get naked for me with the lights off ! And yes, she does know she has a self-image issue but she doesn't want to address that any more. We have a great circle of friends, church life, good jobs, lovely daughters (19 & 21, studying) BUT sex is not on her agenda.

The last couple of counsellors I have been to alone. She won't come. She is tired of discussing it. Both of those counsellors said she has issues of self-esteem, conservative views on sex, etc.. But none of that helps much if she doesn't WANT to deal with it does it ? I'm fully fed up, and I suspect you have actually no more ideas.

But I'd love to hear it if you do ! Kind wishes, Don. (P.S. Our mutual friends all think we are both "lovely people, gentle and kind" but I am still a red-blooded male and screaming for help. Masturbation helps but it's hardly the same as female closeness.)


You are right masturbation is nothing like the closeness you feel with a woman, though there is some feeling there when masturbating it isn't the same degree of feeling you feel with someone you love. If your wife isn't willing to go to counseling then she has gotten used to not having sex and unlike men, women can go a long time without having intimacy. It seems like you have tried everything except Marriage and Couple counseling and that is because she will not go, I actually think that counseling is your last resort and that you have needs and those needs need to be fulfilled and your wife isn't doing that. What you have to decide is if the marriage is worth staying in without the intimacy, it's not healthy to continue to yearn for closeness sexually and being denied that. It may be time to talk to your clergyman and maybe he can quote the bible to your wife where is says a wife must please her husband in every way. It's her duty as a wife to make sure that all of your needs are met or else the marriage cannot possibly survive. If you are okay with staying in a sexless marriage then you will have no choice but to continue to masturbate until that rare time comes that she actually give into your sexual desires.


I understand that your wife has self esteem issues but that doesn't mean that you have to suffer also. If you are attentative to her needs then she should be attentative to your needs also marriage is a compromise and your wife isn't willing to compromise at all with you about this issue and it doesn't seem like she is even willing to help in correcting the issues in your marriage. Your clergyman talking to your wife may be your only option right now and then you have to decide if the marriage is worth the pain you are going through right now if your answer to that is yes your marriage is worth it then you will have to find other means in which to satisfy yourself maybe try toys and other things but I'm sure that as a religious person that may not be an option but it will be better than cheating on your wife.

KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks Kimberley. I don't think she will respond well to religious manipulation / legalism.

I know you have tried to help but you have just highlighted again for me it's a hard place we're at. I have no intention of destroying an entire family just for sex. Some surrogate means of closeness would surely be better than that.

Thanks for your attempts to help !

Bless you, Don.


I hope you can find the answers you are looking for, it's clear you love her alot. Good luck to you!



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