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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Me and my fiance have been together 2 years and over the last

Customer Question

Me and my fiance have been together 2 years and over the last year have been facing problems he has 2 sons from his first marriage who find it very hard to accept me his eldest who is 8 is always rude and never shows me any respect which in turn cause arguements between me and my fiance as he doesnt discipline his children enough and he doesnt seem to care how they treat me, i also have a 3 year old son from a previous relationship who is causing problems at the moment waking in the night and i end up having to get up with him, and my fiance says im too soft, most of our rows are over the kids but some are just silly rows. I went to stay at my mums for a week to give us a break and wheni came back things were great for a week then it just seems like he gives up on me not sure what to do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-How long have you been living together?


-How long was he married?


-How soon after the divorce did the two of you start dating?


-When are you planning on getting married?


-How old is your son?


-Do you do alot of things together with the boys or as a family unit?


-Who ended the marriage him or his ex wife?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
we have been living together for a year and a half, he was only married for about a year but they were together on and off for 6 years,he didnt get divorced until about 3 months after we got together but they were split up for a year,we are planning on getting married 2012 so we can save up some money for it, my son is 3 years old, we dont do much together as a family unit he seems to want to spend the time he gets with his boys just them 3 and they always seem to make the decisions as to what we do when they are here the weekends. His ex wife ended the marriage she was being unfaithfull quite a few times and with a family member if my fiances.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


I think the boys resent you because they do not know the whole story and all they know is that their mom and dad were together and then they weren't and then you came along and in the back of their minds they may have been hoping that their parents would get back together but then you came along everything changed or it could be their mother bad mouthing you and the father. She may feel threatened by you and is turning her sons against you. Children always want their parents together and they may feel you are standing in the way of that and that is when your fiance' should have stepped in and explained to them that him and their mother will never be together again and also he should include you in the plans because you are going to be his wife one day. You have to form a family unit while the boys are there and do things together. They will act this way as long as the father allows them to act and treat you that way.


Talk to him and ask him to include you on the visits and you do something as a family the more time you spend with the boys the more they will see that you are not the enemy and you may actually like doing some thing they like doing also. Everyone has to put forth and effort to make this a family unit. This needs to be worked on before you get married so that things will be much smoother when you get married. The boys were never told why the marriage ended and they are just assuming, which I don't think a couple should ever involve the children in the marriage and what went wrong but their father is going to have to show his boys that he loves you and wants to spend the rest of your lives together. I think in time they will come to understand that you are not the enemy. Maybe sit down and talk to the boys more and get to know what they like and dislike and what their interests are and then get involved that way. Seeing that your son is only 3 years old he is going to still want you and be afraid all kids that age are that way. He is going to have to find more patients and understanding in order for everything else to fall into place. He has to form a united front with you so that the boys know that if they do something wrong he will talk to them about it they have to learn that for every action there is a reaction and your fiance' just isn't doing that right now, if the boys know that every time they do something to you and their dad doesn't talk to them or tell them to stop they will continue to do it.