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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21447
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I have been in a lesbian relationship off and on with a women

Customer Question

I have been in a lesbian relationship off and on with a women for about 24yrs. we both have been married, divorced, and have children. For the last year and a half we have been involved seriously, we shared our relationship with our friends, our daugthers, and her nephew. everything had been going great, we were communicating, giving eachother space, spending time together, outings with the kids. I thought this time it was a life long love. In the past she always leave without any warning. Its almost like she loves me today and tomorrow she doesn't. I don't know what is going on. I am confused, hurt for believing in her words. I have a hard time excepting that a person can love you and wake up the next and no longer love u. why is she so impulsive, gets very close and then runs away?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

From your description, it sounds like she's been hurt in the past, and is afraid that if she makes that commitment and stays around long enough, she will be hurt again. Some people are just 'commitment-phobes', which means they are afraid of commitment.

Since you have allowed the on again/off again relationship to continue in this way for so many years, she probably feels that you will always find each other again, get back together and be happy. She may have a 'threshhold' of time, at which she has self-doubt, or perhaps feels you might be getting ready to leave HER, and she won't be able to stand that rejection, so she makes the first (pre-emptive) strike, by leaving, herself, before she can be hurt.

Try to have a serious discussion with her, and tell her how strongly you feel and that she has nothing to be afraid of in remaining in this relationship with you, because you would never intentionally hurt her. Ask her to open up to you about her impulsiveness and why she feels the need to keep running away from the best thing that's ever happened to her? Then listen carefully to her answers and take it from there; try to make her feel as secure as possible in your love and in your relationship.

I hope things work out well, for you!