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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My male friend is afraid of his wife. He refers 2 himself as

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My male friend is afraid of his wife. He refers 2 himself as a coward. He works, & is successful earning a significant income which provides them with all of life's necessities & many luxuries. One luxury (these days, especially) is her non-requirement 2 work. She never has. They are in their early 60s, & she cut him off from sex in their early 30s. He tried 4 10 years then gave up. She is so cold he says that they never say I love you, hug, & even if he accidentally touches her leg in bed, she jerks it away in a huff. He provides her with a gorgeous home in a beautiful area, a gorgeous car (he maintains , credit cards 2 buy whatever she wants, their house is full of everything a woman would want, she does endless travel 2 paradises, she has the home office while he works on his laptop on his legs. W/o him, she would have nothing. So, why is he scared of her. A coward. Please speculate this type of relationship. I have asked him why, & he can't answer. Is it what makes him tick?
HelloCustomer and thanks for your question.

It may very well BE what makes him tick, as you suppose, if he has tolerated this behavior for decades, and yet, remains married to her. If he were unhappy, he would have left her a long time ago.

While their relationship does not sound 'conventional' in any way, it seems that they feed off each others' behavior and this is what keeps them going. If he says he's afraid of his wife, do you think this has any basis in fact? Does he confide to you that she's ever become physically or emotionally abusive with him, because if she has, this may be why he prefers to keep everything 'good' for her, so she doesn't rant at him or worse.

If he admits he's a coward, when it comes to his wife, he must have his reasons for staying with her for so long and dealing with her attitude towards him. It sounds impossible that anyone would *want* to live that way, but he certainly has the power to change things, if he wanted to. One day, perhaps he'll 'snap', and realize how he's being taken advantage of, and leave her for someone who will appreciate what he's done for her and provided her with, all these many years.

It's possible that in his past, he had a very controlling mother, grandmother, sister, former girlfriend, etc., who beat him down (figuratively speaking) and turned him into a coward or a guy who just doesn't believe in fighting for himself. If he's happy in this relationship, more power to him! Personally, it does sound like she takes terrible advantage of him, but who are we to judge, if he remains married to her and doesn't leave her.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I love your answer. Now Part 2 of my question - Enter Me. Two years ago he meets me and has since "used" me, although he does not like to look at it that way of course, for all those shortcomings of his wife. Basically and truly, flipflop what I have said about his relationship with her, and that is his relationship with me. He gets the charm, wit, sex, good looks, and fun with me at no cost, and with no "perks." In essense, I am his unpaid hooker. He is far from afraid of me. In fact, he has said a million things that have broken my heart. I feel like he uses me to take out all his frustrations. Of course, there are moments that are fun but they are of course at his convenience therefore making the priority list (when all others have been accommodated). I am squeeezed in between everything else he needs to attend to (or else!). If I express sadness or the feeling of being "at his convenience," he recently referred to me as "demanding." He said that on Monday, and I had not seen him since Wednesday, except for two hours at his convenience after a golf tournament on Saturday. This is far from the texts, phone calls, e-mails, etc. from the beginning where he relayed he wanted to see me constantly. I even told him back then that it was not a good idea, and he should work on his marriage. He didn't want to. He wanted me, and pursued me as is typical. Now, I am the one who is clingy and demanding.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply; I'm glad you found my answer helpful.

Well, it certainly sounds like he has the best of both worlds, since he started seeing you. I don't blame you for feeling 'used'; you DO supply everything he is lacking in his marriage, and you allow him to be a completely different man. Now, HE'S in charge, not the 'fraidy cat his wife has turned him into. If he's so afraid of his wife, isn't he apprehensive that she will find out about you? Maybe he likes playing the 'danger' game. This is exciting to some men.

If, at the beginning, your relationship was fun and mutually satisfying, but now has become disappointing, because you feel he's not giving you the attention you need and deserve (for saving him from this witch of a wife, and allowing him to be himself, and be happy), you need to stop being clingy and demanding or 'needy'. It seems he likes strong women, so perhaps being a little 'stricter' with him and not complaining or whining, but telling him outright that if he can't 'fit you in', you might have to cut him off from this relationship, as it stands, now, will prevent him from taking you for granted. Don't raise your voice, just state it, categorically, and see what his reaction is. YOU don't have to be available every time HE has an 'opening' in his schedule, when he's not 'doing' for his wife.

While I don't doubt his wife is the way he describes, to some degree, and unless you have actually witnessed her actions with him, I'm thinking that maybe there's more to this than meets the eye. Perhaps he says these things and relates stories of how his wife treats him and that he's scared of her, to get sympathy and another woman (like you) to feel sorry for him and want to 'save' him from this awful marriage. We tend to believe everything a man tells us, about a wife who either deprives them of sex and/or is never nice to them, so our 'awwww, poor man' response kicks in, and we want to make life better for him. If you have not known him longer than two years and have not seen his wife and he interact, some of what he's telling you may not be true. Think about it, and go over in your mind, everything that has happened, since you met him, and things he's told you. Why would he work so hard, to provide her with so many luxuries, including vacations, if she treats him like crap?

When you first met, maybe it was easier for him to call, email and text because she was busy with other things, and now she's around more, and unless he's at work, it's hard for him to contact you. However, I still have a suspicion that all he told you may not be completely true re: his relationship with his wife.

I'm interested in how the two of you met, initially.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We met through work. Since starting this, she has found out. He called me, and abruptly said, "well you got your wish, I'm not going to see anyone now." Then hung up. That was last night. It startled me in the way that I thought he was suicidal so I called the Sheriff to check on him. Then, called his daughter to merely relay what he had said to me on the phone. I got her machine. But, she later called me, and asked if I had heard from him which I had not. At that point, I felt it was in the hands of his family (his well-being). I am sure he is fine. Now, I think what his statement meant was that his wife found out, and said she wanted a divorce or something. I don't know. I am completely in the dark, and in going against his millions of promises (and of course you may feel he is justified - but I am hurting) to never abandon me, and that he would always be there for me, he has resorted to turning off his phone and screening me out. He is mad at me for not letting his deception and dishonesty continue. He is mad at me for not allowing my status of tabu, convenience, low-priority, etc. continue. Instead I have nothing. But, I guess I don't have those kicks in the teeth anymore. I do have a therapist, and he has told me that this person is a "bad habit" just like a drug. Though, I know he is bad for me, I was still "taking" him. Addicted to the abuse. He has thrown me away, so now I will go through withdrawls even though it is for the best. I know all this, but my heart has the daggar poking through it. I cannot function. Will you help me through this? It may take days, weeks or months, but please help me. I know right now it is the tempting part to leave messages and texts, but I need someone to tell me not to. I think (strangely, but in this case good) not reminiscing about the fun times, but rather focusing on the bad times (or better yet but hard for me) focusing on something all together, would help me. For example, the one previous where he says I am demanding. He later said, he did not mean it that he meant it he "didn't know." He is the classic Bill Cosby, "I don't know." But, not at the beginning. He was conversant and all that stuff, and that is what gets me, is don't reel me in only to change 180 on me. You should also know that I have disabling Major Depression. I recognize this and at the beginning told him "not to toy with me," "I was fragile, "and I needed to keep my emotions in check." He also knew that I had just spent two years in bed (seriously) due to the depression, but finally I crawled out (he knows this story) and said, "enough!" I walked for two months, 5 miles a day, lost a bunch of weight, and got strong enough to move back to California from Minnesota (yuck! I hate MN). Do you think I did that so I could come out to California to get all entangled with a married man? NO! THAT IS WHY I TOLD HIM NOT TO TOY WITH ME....I'M SO FRAGILE...I NEED TO KEEP MYSELF IN CHECK.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He completely diregarded this in the name of his own agenda. I have no support system. No family. No friends. He has family and friends. He will get through. PLEASE HELP ME.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply and your update.

I'm so sorry he called you last night and abruptly ended it with you, with that statement. I don't blame you for being worried about his wellbeing, as yes, what he said might have been taken as a suicide threat, so you did all the right things, make sure he was alright.

How did she find out and when did she find out, just last night, prompting his phone call to you? Or do you think she's known for a while, and gave him an ultimatum, etc., last night?

Don't blame yourself. He reached out, he needed you, and he was married. At first, I have no doubt he meant those things he said to you and you really helped him survive a bad time in his marriage. Then, as the relationship progressed, he became more and more anxious that his wife would find out, and I think that's what caused his change in behavior toward you. You are a good person who can make a man happy, and don't let this incident with him, make you think otherwise.

I'm glad to hear that you do have a therapist, to talk things out with, in person, if you have major depression; I agree completely with the way he has you viewing this situation, as an addiction to him, and now you're going through withdrawal. There's no doubt that it is a very difficult thing to go through. While I understand that this recent occurrence in your life has caused you pain, think of it this way: it wasn't meant to be, because he was married, and you are very smart to think about the hurtful things he said to you and not focus on only the good times. Yes, it will help you to get over him faster, remembering the not so nice things he said to you more recently, and the way he treated you, and then decided it was over. He didn't decide it was over because of who YOU are, he HAD to make this decision, because I'm sure his wife threatened him with God knows what!

This is the plan you need to make now: first, I'm so glad to hear that you had the strength to start walking daily, and you lost weight, are staying healthy, etc. That is SO hard to start and stick with, and you had the 'stick-to-it-tiveness' to accomplish that, when so many people cannot! Keep up with your walking, other exercise, if you do that, eating right, and taking care of YOURSELF! This is now 'me' time; you need to concentrate on you, and then, when you feel ready, you will start dating again.

You mentioned that you have no family or friends, but I'm sure you know people (women and men) through work, that you could socialize with, and that will help you get out more, just for a casual lunch, dinner, movie, etc.

Do NOT try to contact him again, in any way. In fact, if he tries to contact YOU, ignore it. You need to close this chapter in your life, now, and you cannot have anything further to do with him. It will be hard, because he WAS a habit, but you will feel so much better if you show the strength of character I know you have, to ignore his calls, texts, emails, etc. In fact, you can block his name from your email list, so the mail doesn't come through. If you don't know how to do this, call your email server and ask. If you have AOL, I can tell you how to do it.

Think of this as a new beginning, which you richly deserve, and the sooner you get over him, the sooner you can begin again. It's Spring, the season of 'rebirth', renewals, etc., so you will also be starting over with a new outlook on life, that doesn't include him.

Continue to discuss this with your therapist, and make notes every day, how you are doing things to forget the past 2 years and improve yourself, now. Although it hurts a lot, this was a learning experience, so be thankful for that. You will never make this mistake again! : ) You'll make new ones, but that's how life goes, and if we can't learn from our mistakes, we're not moving forward, so keep that in mind.

I do think you can overcome this difficulty, as you have overcome others, in your life. You're much stronger than you believe, and I have complete confidence in you, that you will start to recapture those things that matter most, and make you happy in your own life. Every time he comes into your mind, busy yourself doing something you enjoy and don't think about him anymore. Don't have contact with his daughter, either, because that will just prolong your moving on.

I hope things begin to improve for you soon, and keep me posted on how you're doing. If I don't respond immediately, it's because I may be offline at the time.

Be strong!


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
His blunt relay last night, "you got your wish, now, I'm not going to see anyone." I am realizing is his way of once again toying with me, the first thing I told him not to do due to my fragile condition, toying with me to try to make me think I demand so much of his time. He is shedding himself of the guilt he has for breeching the "toying" warninig, and worst of all trying to make me think I am clingy and ask too much of him, when I am the one who gets the crumbs. He knows it, but does not want to admit that initially he came on like a "Good Time Charlie" and his false appearance of having time to be with me was just because at that time he wanted to be with me. He was making time in his schedule to be with me, and I have the texts to prove it. Which also means I have the proof of his deception. You said so many good things. Right now, I am just bugged by his low blow last night of making me feel like I am the one getting a bunch of attention while others are neglected. It is such a turnaround from the beginning where he acted like he didn't care about another person in the world except for me. I know, I should have known it was too good to be true, but he has always been very crafty in this whole situation, and me very vulnerable. One thing I should clarify is I am not walking, I don't work, I don't have people to socialize with, maybe I am just a real loser that there is no hope for. But, wouldn't it be cool to find a way to conquer these situations without a support system? On your own? My therapist is a little funny in that he does not like to talk about "Ben" a lot. He will. But, generally just tells me, "You know what to do, Mary, so we don't have to talk about it anymore." I want to Accept your answer so you get some money, but want this to continue, please. At the moment, I am very stuck. I need some coaching. It is 2:35 p.m. and I haven't done anything, but cried. I have to assign myself at least five things to do that have nothing to do with him. Also, I need some amplification from you on this relay last night. I feel it was such a low blow. He knows I am the last on his list, and he just refuses to admit his feelings have changed. Instead, he created me into the "crazy B" who doesn't want him to be with anyone else. I live with people who have noticed he comes for maybe 20 minutes in the course of a few days, and they remember him always coming around (back when I didn't care). It is kind of embarrassing. In Ben's mind, because I am so pathetic and lonely, he feels I should be grateful he gives me 20 minutes. Better than nothing.
Hi again, Mary.

I think you're absolutely right, and I like the way you express yourself! I agree; he said that last night, to lay the guilt on you, which was very unnecessary and so unfair. There was no reason to make YOU feel guilty, but he thought he was removing guilt from his wrongdoing, by transferring it to YOU!

You're not and were never, 'pathetic and lonely', so please stop thinking that way. Also, don't worry about what other people think; he treated you well at the beginning and as you mentioned, he totally did a 180 on what he specifically said he would NOT do, to make you feel badly. All the fault is his, and your only 'crime', as it were, was caring about him, and the 'sad' homelife he painted for you, which I believe was not completely true.

You are definitely not a loser, and there is always hope for everyone. However, as you said, this 'help' must come from within yourself, first, and no, you don't need to rely on other people to help you get out of your present 'funk'. You KNOW what to do, it's just putting theory into practice, where it becomes more difficult, and everyone faces that, a various times in their lives. Let's start slowly. Instead of five things to throw yourself into, choose three, and then you can add some later.

Don't feel badly about crying for most of today, because you needed the cry. He disappointed you greatly, and you felt let down; allow yourself to cry and don't feel guilty over crying, or that you're doing something wrong. You need to go with your feelings and you're entitled to cry, to get out all the bad feelings. But don't cry because you feel sorry for yourself. HE did something very wrong and toyed with your emotions and he doesn't deserve you in his life any longer. You have a lot to give to a man who is available and who will truly care about you and respect your feelings.

Ok, your three things. Would you like to get back into walking? If you're physically able, start slowly, do 5 minutes a day, then go up to 10, then 15, etc.; starting slowly, if you haven't exercised in a while, is always best. Look forward to doing it at a time of day that's best for you and feel accomplished, afterwards. Next, read a book. Get a book from the library or buy one that you've 'meant' to read for a while, now. It can be a work of fiction, or non-fiction, about a subject you've always been interested in, and meant to learn more about. Avoid romance novels. Third, throw yourself into a hobby that relaxes you and which you enjoy; personally, I love crafting--you don't have to be artistic to make lots of beautiful things, just choose a project, buy the materials, you can get an instruction sheet at a crafts store, like Michael's, if you have that in CA, and do a project. Paint one wall of your bedroom an exciting/exotic color, like Cornflower blue or burgundy--whatever your personal preference is. Whatever you do, is for YOUR enjoyment, and no one else's.

Yes, it would be appreciated if you 'accepted' now, and we will not lose contact. All you have to do is 'reply' on your question/my answer in the future, and I will be here for you. Because of the time difference (I'm on the East Coast), I might not answer immediately, as I mentioned, earlier, but I'm online most of the day, on most days, so be assured I will respond.

Take care,
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I hope you received my acceptance. One thing I should clarify is the five things. We are talking, I get so STUCK, that I cannot get out of bed. So, "things" means getting up and brushing my teeth, as an example. My Depression as mentioned is of the disabling nature. Just a very brief background, situations at my job were so hostile they caused the Depression, and the Department of Labor (very difficult in government employment) agreed with my claim, and I am on workers' compensation. I have that overlaying Depression about my wonderful job being sabotaged, to not being able to get out of bed already. You would think I would know better than to get involved with a married man. But, the Depression causes vulnerability, poor decision-making, and also, he was as stated very "crafty" and convincing initially that he wanted to "help" me, and be my friend FOREVER. Even through his craft, I did have the wits about me, to try to protect myself with my statements to him about being "fragile" and to "not toy with me." Also, as stated, it is evident now, that these statements in my heart were very serious, even to the point of pleading, "I am very fragile.....please don't toy with took me two years of laying in bed, then two months of serious effort (the walking, etc. in MN) to get a strong as I am I need to keep my emotions in check." Evident now, that they went directly over his head, because he was so neglected at home (in all ways according to him at that time) his agenda did not factor these very serious pleadings in. Anyway, so I am reeled into a situation under false pretenses. You are right. Not just him, but in this world, nobody wants to be at fault or to blame or be responsible. I will even take some of the blame because I am so sick of that mentality in that I was mentally disabled, and allowed a situation to accelerate. It is just so frustrating, though, because I told him not to toy with me, I told him when he said he was falling for me to give his wife a hug and tell her he loved her. He came back with, "she would look at me like I'm crazy." It really saddened me overall, that a married couple never give each other a hug or say, "I love you." It's as if their marriage is a business. I know you may think, "and it's none of your business" but I make it my business because I am the odd man out who never wanted it in the first place. They will make up. He will, for lack of a better term, be "sucking up" to her with whatever and forever long it takes. Dear God, I hate this. It is so unfair.

OK - So to get back to the five things. We are talking take a bath, brush teeth, comb hair, etc...Outside activities are already a problem. I have Panic with Agoraphobia. And, to top it off, he was my person that I was not scared to go outside with. So, we are talking tiny baby steps here. It is Thursday, March 26, 2009. I have taken a bath, eaten some eggs, and done my make-up. But now, I am starting to "go down." I am reflecting on all the horrible statements and things he has done. I am furious about him blaming me. I have been abandoned many times before for not "behaving" the way a person wants me to. People in my life want secrecy, dishonesty, and to have big elephants sit in the room. My mother recently threw me out of her life because I mentioned her abandonment of me when I was eight years old. She went off to travel with a lounge singer. So, I have a lot of past wounds. I need to focus on living in the present and the future. But, my heart hurts so bad. He knows I am hurting, but does not care at all. He knows my loneliness. He is enjoying my pain. He feels I deserve it. How can I change my thinking? You have probably just told me, but it needs to be drilled in when I am the one so confused and betrayed.
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for your reply and your accept.

I understand about the five things, and although it's hard, it seems that if you already took a bath, ate some eggs and put on your make-up, you're more than halfway there.

What I'd like to expound upon and remind you to remind yourself, constantly, is that you did nothing wrong. OK, you knew you were involved with a married man, and I'm in no way passing moral judgment, but him blaming you for ANYTHING is untrue, ridiculous, selfish, inappropriate and uncalled for, on his part, so please try not to dwell on that, and get it out of your mind. HE did the wrong thing, in first of all, LYING to you, secondly, having an affair outside of his marriage, and you know what? I don't believe he's 'afraid' of his wife and his homelife is as 'pathetic' as he described it. No man in his right mind would continue in a marriage that was so unsatisfying. He fed you a line (or many lines), because while it may be true that his wife cut him off or decreased the sex they were having, he wanted something more 'exciting' outside his marriage; when you told him, 'begged' him not to toy with your emotions/you're fragile, he wasn't listening, he was only thinking of himself. He WAS very selfish, and didn't care about your emotional state, which you confided in him and trusted him with, when you told him you were fragile. And now, he's trying blame the whole fiasco on YOU? No, you can't allow him to do this, and mess with your mind. You have to tell yourself that you did nothing wrong; it was all him, and that's why you need to stop thinking about him and going over everything that happened, in your mind; this is detrimental to you and your condition. I know this is easier said than done, but what I think may help you is this: write a letter to him, saying all the things would would like to say, re: his betrayal of your trust, ignoring your fragile state, promising to be there for you and all the things you resent, which causing you pain, both physical and emotional. DON'T MAIL IT! Getting it down on paper will help a lot, and help you attain 'closure' with this relationship. You don't have to write it all at once, but whenever you feel like adding to it, have it close by, and do it. You can write it by hand, on the computer, whatever makes you more comfortable. This will help get all the 'venom' out of your system about him, and make you feel better.

Every day, re: the five things.....I also find it's easier when you write it down. It's your 'schedule'. I think what you accomplished so far, today, was excellent! Ok, you did 3 things.....the day is not over yet, and you have 3 more hours that I do, to accomplish things, at this time! : ) Do you find cleaning to be cathartic? If so, clean out your fridge, clean your bathroom, Swiffer a hard floor, clean your kitchen or bathroom floor with a scented cleanser you like. Personally, I like citrus, so I like lemon or orange scented Lysol liquid cleaner, etc. Also, there's this great one called 'Mistolín', which comes in the best scents. It's like 'aromatherapy'! Speaking of which, if you can tolerate it, and don't have allergies or are not sensitive to air fresheners or scented candles, incense, etc., those types of things can be used as 'aromatherapy' also. It's been proven that certain scents (lavender is one) produce a calming and happy feeling in most people.

Plan your day, and if you don't go outside, write down what meals you will have that day, and make sure you have the ingredients. If you have panic/agoraphobia, does someone do your shopping for you, or are you able to do it yourself, and/or if someone goes with you? Even if you're only able to be in a store for a short period of time, get a few items on each shopping (grocery) trip.

It's good to have something to look forward to, so each day, promise yourself you'll watch a favorite TV show or watch a movie on TV or a dvd you may have, already. I don't know if you're into tv/movies, but I am, and it's a form of 'escapism' from your daily worries, so try it, if you like.

Pat yourself on the back every time you accomplish something, and something additional, each day. You deserve to be complimented, if you are taking baby steps and accomplishing something. Getting out of bed is an accomplishment! Eating a meal is an accomplishment, and making that meal is another. Putting on your makeup is great! Do you put on makeup only if you're going out, or do you prefer to do it every day? If it's part of your routine, keep it up. When you next go out, buy some new makeup--one item (or more), that you wanted to try. Buying new makeup and putting it on when you get home, is a pleasurable experience.

Speak on the phone with someone you know, and remind yourself to be upbeat. People don't always want to hear about other's problems, so ask how THEY are doing and make comments, suggestions, etc., and say 'things are coming along' with you, when they ask 'how are you?'.

Set short-term goals that are your 5, get out of bed, take a bath, eat something, put on makeup, go on the computer, read/answer emails, eat your next meal, plan what you will do at night re: tv, movies, read a book, magazine etc. Do you have a journal or a blog? If not, that might be a good idea. If you don't want others to read it, set it to 'private' or so that only friends who are 'invited' can read it. I only have limited experience with 'live journal', but there are many sites out there where you can make daily entries. You don't even have to USE a 'site'. Keep your own journal on the computer, if you like.

I hope some of these suggestions will help you. Give some of these things a try, and let me know how it goes.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
New day. Have taken a bath. How do I deal with this. (By the way, everything you wrote above is really helpful, and I will expound on it later.) But, my urgent problem is my urge to stand up for myself by sending his wife one of HIS PERVERTED TEXTS to me, or something. Why? Because I know he is blaming me for everything, when he started it. Why should I care? I don't know. I guess that is why I am writing this. I know I shouldn't because if I do, it will show I care, and that is the last satisfaction I want to give him.
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for your reply.

Your accept and bonus are appreciated.

I just signed on and saw your response.

I would NOT send his wife one of his texts. I understand why you have the urge to do this, but it will not serve any good purpose for you, and you're so right, that it will show that you care and you don't want to give him that satisfaction.

I'm glad you got up today and took a bath, and gave this idea some thought, before acting on it.

Sending his wife anything, is not standing up for yourself. You don't have to 'prove' anything. HE does, to his wife, and that's not a good scene. I'm curious how she found out about you, and how did you get his daughter's number, to call her on that night?

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I have known his daughter for a while. So, I had her number.

The urge is still there but I will not act on it. But, I may come to you again for assurance on that because it is urking me that he is saying all kinds of things to get back in the good graces (this is my suspicion) including probably that I started the whole thing. As stated before, I fought it off at the beginning tooth and nail. But, the challenge was in play, so fighting is off, just made him more intense and intent. Anyway, present day.

I talked to a wise woman last night who said I should be thanking her or him if whatever happened has caused him to throw me away. It answers (hurtfully) but now honestly the question of whether he cared about me and loved me or not. We were on the topic of love a few days before the big day, and although he came to me one fine day at the beginning and said, "I don't know how, but in such a short time, I have fallen in love with you." That was about a year ago. Since then I have been emotionally tormented because his actions don't speak those words. Anyway, the recent conversation about love. He basically admitted he no longer loved me because, "people fall in and out of STUFF all the time." This is love we are talking about. Stuff? And, who are these people falling in and out of stuff. Personally, I don't see myself being so fickle that I am constantly feeling different about things all the time. Anyway, so I should thank him or her for answering that love question. If he cared or loved me, he would not abandon me. Even if his wife was putting on pressure, true love and caring would cause him to leave a different message than that blunt one about "getting my wish, and him not seeing me anymore." And, now not contacting me since. I should also thank them for removing the almost daily emotional torment from my life with his sharp tongue, broken promises, and belittling me. I should thank them that I no longer have to feel low priority, at his convenience, and tabu all the time. Though, I am hurting, since Tuesday, there have not been any fresh wounds. And, if we want to be this way about it, I should thank them for getting the gray-haired ambivilent old married man (15 years senior) out of my what is going to be (I am big talking here because I am still very weak) a beautiful life. The dead end street came to the "sign" DEAD END. Maybe I could tell you the text messages I would like for his wife to see. Such as from him to me, "I'm still trying to cool down from today after with you. Can't ever recall being worked up so much. Grrrrr" But almost worse, are the ones of this nature, from him to me "Not easy for me. Not sure how I will be not seeing you for three full days." And, present he calls me demanding, and says he is losing friends because of me. I should have taken that at that time, as demanding of him. Ya know, I don't really even miss him. I am just so pissed that I have to deal with any pain, when I was fine, then he had to come through with (and these are just a sample of several) texts and attention like this, and screw me all up. I know he just wanted in my pants, got there, liked it, and wanted more. The deprivation of 30-35 years must have been excruciating. You are right in one of your responses where you said that he may have been putting on the "poor neglected me. My wife and I have not had sex for 30 years, and we never talk, and never touch." That is what he was doing. So low!
Hi again, Mary.

You are so very right! I agree that this is probably a good thing to happen to you, now, because it was inevitable. I mean, let's face it, he is married, and it would have come to an end sooner or later; considering the amount of time you were seeing each other, I think this could be called 'later'. Yes, he most likely IS 'paying the piper', as it were, with his wife, and that's not anything to concern yourself with now, except his life will probably not be too pleasant right now, and he brought it all on, himself, due to his deception, and he deserves what he gets.

I'm glad you referred, in your last sentence, to what I said re: maybe he was not being truthful re: his 'lacking' relationship with his wife. Realistically, if a man is deprived sex in his marriage for 30 years, and was 'afraid' of his very demanding, 'bitching', controlling wife, do you think a man with any self-worth, would stay? Absolutely not! I've known men like this, they complain that they get no 'action' at home, so they must seek it elsewhere; they want to make you feel sorry for them, and say "awwww, poor baby, I'll make it all better for you; I'll give you what your wife will not." It's all make believe....I'm not putting down your relationship with him; when he said what he said to you, he meant it, and I'm sure he cared for you and was grateful to have you and what you gave him, but once the secret was out, he was angry that his little 'liason' was discovered, he knew he'd now be cut off from his 'action' with you, so he inappropriately took his anger at the situation (and his stupidity--not for being with YOU, but for having an affair outside the marriage, to begin with), on YOU.

You not only didn't deserve that treatment, but he spoke out of anger and didn't even consider your feelings when he spoke those words. A lesser person would have said to herself: "_____YOU!" (about him, when he left that message) and walked away; instead, you were worried for HIS welfare, thinking he might hurt himself, and cared enough to call his daughter! Do you realize what kind of wonderful, caring person that shows you to be? And he doesn't deserve you. Yes, his actions were VERY low, and you deserve a man who will truly care about you and give himself to you, heart and soul; he's out there, and one day you will find him!

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am really going through the wanting to last out at him (and her). I am so on the verge. It has been four full days now, and he has totally cut me out of his life. I know that is a good thing, but the lies about ALWAYS being my friend, and how he would NEVER abandon me, and would ALWAYS be there for me make me feel so deceived. I will be honest here. I want him to feel as much pain as I am feeling now, and I WAS feeling when he was having his cake and eating it, too. I know I am not supposed to be thinking about it, but my suspicion is that his wife probably threw him out of the house for a day or two or maybe not at all. So, he took comfort and refuge at his daughter's fine house. There he is getting all the coddling like, "Dad, we still love you." "We forgive you." Yada yada yada. While, as he knows, I am out here with nothing. But, of course, in his mind, he feels I deserve it, for "ratting him out." Yes, what hurts is his promise to always be my friend. He did not have stipulations on it. And, the FACT that I wanted it to be JUST FRIENDS. But, he had to pursue to physical relationship. I really will proclaim innocence on that. I fought him off, and told him to go to his wife. I want to lash out so incredibly bad. Please talk me out of it, because I know that it will only show that I am still thinking of him. He recently called me demanding. Demanding because I was sad because of being squeezed in between all the other priorities. When he said that he had found one hour for me in four days. I have be grateful for his absence. He is an old man. People would say we did not match (but love can be blind). Someone recently told me that he would be mean to me because of my youth compared to him, so keep me beaten down. If I thought well of myself, he may lose control. Thank you very much for your help. I would say the crux of things right now are my incredible urge to send his wife his texts, and the like. Please tell me why this will only backfire. Thank you so much.
Hi again, Mary, and you're so welcome. Thanks for your reply and your accept; they are appreciated.

I was not online when you posted, so thanks for your patience.

Sending his wife his texts to you, will serve no purpose. It won't make him come back to you (you know he's out of your life now, which is best, XXXXX XXXXX hurts), and won't 'prove' anything to anybody, except add fuel to the fire if his wife wants to throw him out or leave him. The way you described it, she has a cushy life, so I don't see her going anywhere, any time, soon.

I completely understand your desire to make him 'pay' and wanting to do certain things out of anger, but I do believe any actions like that will definitely backfire, and not make things better for you.

I totally agree, and I mentioned this to you, that if he felt you were developing more self-confidence, he wouldn't like that. He LOVED that you 'needed' him and counted on him, and he had no right to ever tell you he'll 'always' be there for you, because he was married. That was an out and out lie, but you wanted to believe it, and he was very convincing.

When people are seeing each other and using words like 'love' and 'I'll never hurt you', etc., they do mean those words, only at THAT time (in the case of one person in the couple, being married). He didn't think he was lying to you when he made those promises, BUT, he had no right making them; they were impossible to keep, and he knew that, deep down, but he spouted out the words you wanted to hear, anyway.

What is the age difference between you? I don't remember you mentioning that. Also, how did his wife find out about you? How did you 'rat him out'?

Definitely do not have any contact with him or his wife.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
OK. But, it is so hard. But, one moment at a time. So far, I have not sent anything or made any sort of contact attempts, and don't intend to. And, plan to not accept any of his potentially, though I believe he has convinced himself I am evil for exposing the dishonesty. Ratting him out was basically last week, I just felt so neglected. It has always been a "thing" with me, that AT THE BEGNNNING he could always find time no matter what (even if he were at home) to send me a simple text or something letting me know he was out there thinking of me. He stopped finding that perhaps important to me (which it sure would have helped to be consistent with his ways of the BEGINNING) and not backtrack. I told him that I would really like it is he could (while sitting on the toilet if he is so imprisoned at home under the warden's watch) just send me a "hello" text like he did AT THE BEGINNING (which was more than just hello). I calculated that it would perhaps take him two minutes with the slowest texter to do this. Out of a 24-hour day, he could no longer find two minutes? Well, this had been realized probably a year ago, and I have expressed sadness over his CHANGE which he denied. As recent as the last time I saw him, he said, "My feelings haven't changed." And also, "take the word abandonment of out your vocabulary when it comes to me." He has insisted this, ever since his ACTIONS changed from THE BEGINNING. There were a few conversations where I told him I was tempted to tell his wife. This was unbecoming of me, I know, but he was just relentless with his new emotional torment. Well, last week, I was so tormented by his neglect to even text me a hello, I called his cell and it was off. I had talked to him about his cell always being off, and said jokingly, "OK, well then I'll just call your LAN." That means his house phone. He said (I suppose thinking I never would*), "OK." Well, I did. I called the LAN, got the house answering machine, and said into it that Ben had been lying and cheating for two years. I know, that is where I dug my grave, or I liberated myself. I feel it is more the latter. But, it would have been good to just go away graciously, but I had tried that, and as you can tell by him going back to my first entry, a challenge (such as his wife does not appreciate everything he does for her) makes him tick. Hence, when I would try to go away, he would just come on stronger. One morning when I was trying to stay away, I went jogging, and up ahead I saw what I thought was his car. Later when we connected again (sigh!), he told me that he had driven by a couple times. (I was doing 10 days of absolute no contact on my part.) So, he was in a sense, not stalking me, but checking up on me. Anyway, last weekend was just the final straw. He knew I would appreciate some tiny contact from him, but nothing. So, I let the truth be known. He is 15 years older than me (47/62). He, too, has always had a cushy life, carefree. Things he has told me that he has experienced as difficult times of his life, are a cake walk to me who has actually lived in on park bench, things got so bad. He admitted that he would never be able to survive what I have endured. I would tell him, I did not want to be in that position, but things just turned out that way. He has had the good fortune for this to not fall on him. And, without lifting a finger, so has she. Out of this, I guess, and I am just speaking from my gut here as you can tell, it is in large part HER I am upset with. If she had been a fulfilling wife, and not just taking, I know him, and he never would have looked outside. But, who really knows. Right now, I could just use the continued encouragement to NOT CONTACT HIM OR HER. It is on the tip of my fingers. I just feel like she should know the repercussions of being such a frigid "b" can lead. Very candid here. I hope that is OK.
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for your reply and your accept. Also, thanks for your patience. I was not online today, and just logged in.

Being candid is absolutely fine and necessary, so please don't worry about that.

I understand completely, where you're coming from, and you have every right to feel angry, hurt, slighted, and resentful at his treatment of you, in addition to his wife's 'cushy' life, provided by him. However, just remember, contacting him, we decided is a no-no, since you are better off without him, after the way he treated you, and he doesn't even *deserve* any contact from you. Contacting his wife or making known any details of his 'other life' with you, will not benefit anyone. I understand you want her to hurt, emotionally, as he made you feel, but I think your phone message said it all, and he had a lot of explaining to do. He's STILL explaining (if she's talking to him!), and I think if he complained to you that his life was a living hell before, can you imagine it, now? Yes, I think you have already set in motion, all the 'payback' for what he did to you and how he hurt you, so nothing more is necessary.

I understand that at first, you loved all the attention he showered upon you and the words he said to you, but as things started to slacken off re: his attention and time he could/would give you, he wasn't very nice about it, at all. I understand why you got to that point of leaving the message on the answering machine, and deep down, you did it because you wanted to end the relationship due to it's 'inactivity', shall we say? That was the decision you made, and once that action was taken, it was done, and there was no turning back.

I think it would help if you thought of him as a 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde' type character; he really showed you two different sides of himself: at the beginning, it was all sweetness and light, and he couldn't do enough for you. He made promises he knew he couldn't keep, being married, and that was unfair to you, right from the start. As he seemed to slowly diminish his contact and not even take the time to text 'hello', despite your repeated requests, he turned into this monstrous, unfeeling 'creature', whose initial words and promises, had now lost their meaning; as you said at first, he did a complete 180, and now, I'm sure he's paying for it.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi, Cher! I am back to be recalibrated. I think you saw it coming. I had to do some lashing out. OK, I didn't have to, but I lost it on Monday. I have been in Minnesota Mon-Wed, then am finally getting my grips back in California now.

I need to reset. I've sent some what I call enlightening contacts that I know help nothing, but they just pour out sometimes, like you say when considering the cushy life they continue to uphold.

I could tell you some of the relays back and forth, and maybe will, but at the moment am into looking forward and focusing on ME alone or with the people that truly love me (which are just a few, but if they are sincere, who needs tons?).

I am ready to put all the texts, e-mails, IMs, VMs, and memories (except for lessons learned) to rest. If I take them out, it is to talk to you about if it is overly haunting.

Just to bring you up to date on him, though it does not matter, he did not commit suicide but rather is living in his house with his wife, and having his 37-year-old daughter doing any contact for him. He is the epitome of a coward. I have never seen anything like it. I have seen it close to it before, but not to this extent. I think about the people who have been hurt by this person (him) in his big management position, and if there ever were a time where he had to be brave in defense of one of them, I know he never was, and the employee surely suffered. Not my problem. It just saddens me that corruption in the world.

Getting back to me to truly put this behind me fast. I am willing to work very hard. Please be my coach. The Depression and Agoraphobia are there (as well as the broken heart), but this time I refuse to go to bed all day for two years, or even a day (unless it is warranted by the flu or something). Yes, I am disabled with some mental challenges. So, we will factor those in, but what can I do even so. My first thought is STRUCTURE.

Wakeup - I do not work, but still wake up generally at a reasonable hour in the morning between 6-8.

Bedtime - Looking before this, I had a habit of watching Seinfeld from 10-11, then a little news, then taking my prescriptions which work very well even through such anxiety, and going to sleep about 12. So, I feel I am getting the 6-8 hours of good rest. To note: With him in my life, seriously, he would come over in the afternoon when it was convenient for him, usually between the hours of 2-4 for whatever amount of time was convenient for him. For over a year now, I would fall into such a "funk" when he left, that I would basically go to bed for the rest of the night. AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. First, it would be about a two-three hour nap, then I would awaken and just lay there. Yuck! For two or three more hours until I got tired enough to sleep for the night. Since he's been gone, I credit my God above for giving me the strength to go all day. I don't have that break in the day of him, the let down when he left, the wondering what time he's coming over and for how long, and here is the co-dependence and the worst part, dealing with the 9 times out of 10 daily dose of some sort of hurtful comment, degradation, mixed message (they will make you crazy!), lie, etc. after he left. Anyway, an hour nap they say is healthy if required, and I am not even requiring that right now. Excessive napping, unless warranted by illness, causes more lethargy (I know you know this, but..), adds to Depression, causes reclusiveness, and all kinds of maddening emotions. OK - so I think the wake-up and sleep are OK and need not be addressed.

The day - A little tricky, but not impossible, and here is where I am willing/need to work hard.

1. Distractions! A key to healing and forgetting (this guy has no good memories, and there are other things in my life that have been horrible, so there is nothing to hang on to as a fond memory). It is hard to forget, but possible. Not to bring up the big D (Depression) again, but any book (I am not telling you waht you know, but rather out of respect of your training as a counsellor, you are well read on these conditions, and you know this, too) will tell you that a product of Depression is lack of interests and often in ones you used to find fulfilling. Here comes some work. Can I think of something I like to do, or think of something I might like to do? Yes, I must. Some things are kind of quirky, but if they help me though, stick with them, right (within the law, of course).

    a. I like to make a rotation list of little things that need to be done in my room, space, and to take care of myself. A typical one is:
Take RX and vitamins
Take out garbage
Make bed
Skin care
Pay bills and check finances online
Organize CDs
Read EMs (that includes my writings to you)
Light candle
Do laundry
Log expenditures (a new one)
Contact lenses
Do face
Comb hair
Do eyes
Make a required call
Do lips and cheeks
(Here is one of the quirks I enjoy...ready), de-lint garment (with a lint roller or those battery things - a little Howard Hughes in me without the millions)
Get dressed with shoes and accessories
(Another quirky - I think I like this because it is mindless, but may also be very helpful health-wise) clean vents of build up

There is more, but I can't focus on one thing for very long (have not been diagnosed with ADHD), but actually I don't want to. I move from thing to thing, and I like it. Do windexing for a while, for example, then move to the computer to check e-mail, then apply my eye make-up. I have been in this mode, for several years. This, of course, started when I stopped working because one cannot lead such a life with a job. There are things I recognize about it that may be not good. I know, perhaps I do it to stimulate my mind. I know I perhaps do it out of fear of no clutter. Which would mean in my world of nothing to do and scared to go outside, if I ever caught up because this mode causes you to never get everything done. Hence, I don't have to worry about never having anything to do, because that leads to laying in bed. Enough of this, you get the drift.

    b. I think I like to read if the book is right.

    c. I like make-up, skin and hair care, and fashion.

    d. I like going to the salons (I am going to start to sound like his wife, BUT I PULL MY OWN WEIGHT! and she takes him for granted though it is his money she gets her Botox with). Sorry...

    e. I like talking to people. Unfortunately, there are only a handful.

    f. I am interested in taking an online computer class, but finances preclude me mainly. Plus, there is something else I can go into later if we take a hard look at this one.

    g. If I have the fortitude and am in the mood, and someone (which I cannot always count on) goes with me, I think I like shopping. Or is it that I am hungry right now, have nothing to eat, and am scared to go to the store?

    h. I am a Christian, and when I first moved back to California, was trying to get involved in the church. Was having some trouble finding my gnitch, and HE found me first.

    i. I like philathropy with the 10% tithe of the little stipend I get from workers' comp (whoa!). I thought of one this morning, that I may even pull off. It is pretty interesting. I am going to use my tithe money, to send out flyers to a bunch of people, asking them to perform an Act of Random Kindness. I would like to take April Fool's Day off the calendar (because in this world to me at least every day I see con, corruption, tricks, lies, "fooling" everyday). I would like to replace it with Act of Random Kindness Day.

    j. Watch movies at home.

    k. Jerry Seinfeld.

OK, that is enough exploring of potential possibilites of interests.

2. Exercise (have a nice body, "You look good, you feel good.":

    a. Start running.

    b. Do situps.

    c. Do pushups.

3. Nutrition. Problem here. Need to get on diet (not to lose weight for optimal mind and body health)

4. Support System. Have already told you this is a toughy for me.

    a. To bring you up to date, I was in Minnesota this week (where I am from and my "family" if you can call them that is there). I talked to my sister relaying that the Ben thing was over. Her response, laughter, with an "oh well." So, she is my closest sister and she is world's away. So, let's just eliminate family. It is a brick wall.

    b. Friends. Very few. Why? I am too honest, and people don't like honesty (true of my family, too). But, I have a few. I have one very good friend, also named Mary. She has so much going on in her life, but maybe if I set a day or date of the week or month that we had a simple grilled cheese together, or coffee, it could be a start. How does one make friends? One of my other handful of friends is back in Minnesota. She is who I stay with. Now, she is a friend magnet. She is a real sweetie, but have to observe that she likes to drink. This can create that kind of friendships. On the other hand, she had a break up a couple years ago, devastating. I would say right up there with mind, or perhaps worse. Her key, and it was still hard, is that she has tons of friends. Plus, she drinks, so there is a little painkiller there. So, aside from having a top shelf liquor cabinet (and I don't mean to belittle her, she is a true sweetheart) but she even admits she has seen a lot of using of her to PARTY! And, once the liquor is gone (that she supplied) those friends are gone until she restocks. Even so, she does still have a lot of steady eddy friends. So, back to my question. How does one develop a support system with few friends or no family? I have my therapists (including you) which, especially you, help a lot. In fact, you help the most because you are willing to listen to whatever is on my mind. My most prominent therapist is a little harsh in that he has heard about this situation and basically says, "Mary, you know what to do." And, it ends there. Not saying, he is not a good therapist. He just sees a better approach (and I am sure he is right) than complaining, crying, rehashing, or Why? Why? Whying? all the time.

I am going to go to that rotation, and give you a break to digest some of this. We have covered a lot of the basics to getting a well-rounded life back. Did you notice, much to the dismay of the people I do talk to, I am not seeking another man. That is people's first reaction, "Oh, you'll find someone else." My feeling after 47 years of failed relationships (I take some blame here and there, I guess, I was there), is it is time to be comfortable and content with Mary without the "help" of a man. Yes, unfortunately, but wisely, I have become very untrusting.

I am going to bonus you, or go $15. This has been a handful.
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for your update. Also, thanks for your accept and most generous bonus. They are greatly appreciated.

Please give me a few minutes to read your post, digest it, and get back to you with an answer.

Also, I've sent a response to your other question, in our 'General' categeory re: how to change the credit card on file, and also sent it to Moderators and Customer Service.

I'll be back with you soon...
Hi Mary,

I like your organization and rotation of things you need/want to do. Cleaning is cathartic, and keeping yourself looking and feeling good, is also cathartic. I don't know if you have any 'artistic' abilities, but I find putting on makeup is almost like using your face as a canvas and 'creating'. Changing a type of makeup you use or trying something new (brand, type, color, etc.), which you've seen advertised on TV or in a magazine, etc., is 'exciting' and new, and will help you look forward to putting it on, the next day.

Since you mentioned wanting to get involved in the Church, when you first moved to CA, I think this would be a wonderful way to make new friends. If you get involved in something like fundraisers, a 'telephone tree' (which you can do from home), volunteering in the office, answering phones, doing some filing, etc., this would help you to get out of the house, do things you're familiar with, and make new groups of friends. Since you all share the same religious beliefs, and are working toward a goal of helping others less fortunate, raising funds for the Church, etc., you might like this type of contact. You can start with one day a week and see how it goes. You're under no 'contract' or obligation, so if it doesn't work out, that's alright, but if you enjoy it, you'll be meeting new people that you can become friends with, if you share common interests outside the Church, as well.

Regarding what you said about your therapist, who tells you you 'know what to do', that's a common therapist thing. You lay out your problem and then he will say 'Well, what do YOU think?'. This is done, because your therapist wants you to reach deep down inside and pull out what he knows you already KNOW to do; he just gives you encouragement to follow your own mind, because basically you know what's best for YOU.

I think your resolve to not get involved with any other men now, is a very good idea. However, don't swear off men, altogether. Now is definitely not the right time, but at some time in the future, you might meet someone, and remember, every experience is a 'learning experience' which will make you stronger and able to avoid the same mistakes in the future, but you know you'll make 'new' mistakes; it's a fact of life!

And, he's right; the 'whying' and 'crying' does not fix the situation. The crying, you need to do, to get rid of the frustration and 'cleanse' yourself. Asking 'why' a couple of times, and finding ways to answer that, are okay, but then it becomes superfluous and you realize there are not answers to that 'why', so you don't want to spend your time at a futile task when you could be doing something to better yourself.

I'm so glad to hear you were able to spend a few days in Minnesota; that must've felt very good! Re: your friend who's a sweetie and has lots of friends, yes, I think, as you expressed, that the drinking could have a lot to do with it, but I know many people who have lots of friends, and drinking is not involved. Having an excuse to 'party', can be anything, and not center around drinking. She may have some very good friends, like you, but, if they're only interested in partying with her when the liquor cabinet is restocked with the 'good stuff', they're fair-weather friends, and you don't want or need that.

I think that you've made a very good start at recovery, from what you have described so far, and that is fantastic. You're to be commended for having the strength of character to realize how important it is to push yourself to get your life back to a semblance of order, AND YOU'RE DOING IT!!

You'll start thinking of him less and less and soon he will become a distant memory, pushed out by all the new, better things you'll be doing. In addition to the Church, any volunteer positions you might be able to do, would also be a good way to meet people of the same ilk. I think your Random Acts of Kindness Day is a great idea, and you should pursue it.

Right now, you're definitely on a right and healthy track for yourself, oh, and re: nutrition, did you know you can join Weight Watchers online? They have a new program called 'Momentum'; you can be in touch and get support from people in your same situation, health-wise, and make new friends. You're all working toward losing weight and becoming more healthy, and I'm sure there are chats, etc., where you can speak to Weight Watchers personnel and other members. Just a thought.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Have to throw in this quick update. I was served court papers. I am not looking at them until Monday, as what can I do in the mean time. The little peek revealed they are feeling harassed by the truth. He also stated he only knows me as a friend and has periodic contact with me. I think my T-Mobile records will, for one thing, reveal his daily multiple calls to me. Anyway....for a person who does nothing, I can sure stir it up it seems.
Hi again, Mary.

Oh my goodness! Did you have any idea this may happen?

Are the papers from both him and his wife or just from one of them?

Do you know if she is filing for divorce?

Are the papers a subpoena for you to appear in court or to give a deposition?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
They are not to contact his wife or him. I have talked an attorney who said as long as I don't, there is no problem. This is my hope. So, I will not contact him. No problem! What I struggled with a few entries ago is now solved. There is also a court date where I am to tell the judge I will not contact. The attorney said he will go for me. Ben just wants me humiliated. It makes me very sad to think that people know you are sick (Depression), and will still do this to you. But, it takes all kinds. One thing I know about him is he feels no conscience in lying and feels he can do no wrong. So, my communications that proved he is a lying cheat, were not on his agenda. Anyway. Back to me.

I had written all those structure ideas right before getting the papers, so right when I was on a roll to get myself back, I had that blow. But, on the other hand. I am ready to work on myself again.
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for clarifying what's happening.

So, there is not much to worry about. It IS very sad that he had to resort to this, and in a way it's sort of ironic; HE decided to pull you into an affair, HE treats you inappropriately, and then HE hires a lawyer to tell YOU not to contact him or his wife! Unbelievable!

Yes, I'm glad you realize you cannot allow this 'bump' in the road, (which is really nothing to worry about, since the lawyer will go to court to represent you and you don't even have to appear in person), to deter you from your plan and structure ideas to work on yourself, again.

It was unexpected, but you've taken care of it with your attorney, so you can put it behind you, now, and concentrate on the things most important to YOU. He is some piece of work!

You're right, now the decision you needed to make whether or not to contact his wife is no longer viable, so that's better for you, that it's not even a consideration anymore, and it's best that you didn't act on it, when you first wanted to.

So, continue along your positive path and don't even give him a second thought. He's a snake, and what goes around, comes around. I do believe in Karma, and I don't doubt that he'll get his, sometime in the future. That thought should help you feel vindicated in a way.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I don't wish harm on anyone, but I know what you are saying.

What an evil man. I have to get those resonating statements I made at the beginning where I saw trouble and told him to not toy with me out of my head. Those are haunting, because he assured me there would be no pain or abandonment, but he had a different agenda. These are thoughts that must be distrated from. You know I want to, but the old "easier said than done." I am having some focus at the moment so I am going to do my rotation. Need to shop today, too. This has caused me to be very low on supplies (toothpaste!). I will keep contact, as even though there are focus moments, I need back on track discussions. Thank you.
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for your accept and your reply. I was offline when it came through, and have just returned.

No, I don't wish harm on anyone, either, but I'm a strong believer in 'just desserts', so I do think he will 'pay the piper' if you will, in one way or another, for what he has done. Yes, he definitely had a different agenda in mind, when he made those promises to you, and he said things to encourage you to trust him.

I'm glad you're having some focus at the moment, and going shopping for necessities! I will be here to help you stay on track, and for you to discuss any concerns, as they arise.

I hope your evening was pleasant!

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
When I saw the word desserts, I always think of what it spells backwards.

Anyway, my thoughts tonight are trying to not focus on him or them, but there are the typical weird things. One thing is I have this incredible memory. So, I see the clothes I wore during certain times. Oh well.

I am bugged (and I am sure that is the intent) that on the papers he claims (which I feel is lying to the court on his part) that "we were friends that saw each other periodically." OK - friends and periodically are both terms that are very vague. But, a text message that reads, "Grr/naw, naw...u da teast, sexy blonde Hottie. Im still trying 2 cool down from 2day after w/u. Can't ever recall being worked up so much. Grrrrr" (I have several of that tone frequently). Does that sound like periodic friendship to you? That is what he is telling the court. I thought if you file a restraining order you must be truthful. He says I caused emotional distress (by sending what HE wrote to his wife). It is rather ironic. Didn't he provide the emotional distressing material?

I am having trouble "wanting" to go to sleep. I may be tired, but it is as if I don't like going to bed. I do have nightmares frequently so that may be part of it. Anyway, I just feel there is a counter claim in here, but my attorney says to just get through this and move on. That is always so easy for people to say. I know what he means, but you just feel so violated. I TOLD HIM NOT TO TOY WITH ME AT THE VERY BEGINNING! I told him it took me two years to get that strong. His disregard for those cautions just galls me. All in the name of getting in my pants.

I realize I am the typical woman who was "seduced" then he let his true colors show, then he went into can't live with me and can't live without me. He treated me so poorly in the past year, I must be of really strong whatever fiber, though so incredibly weak at the same time. It was tormenting. The mixed messages.

Just keep telling me what a jerk he is. And, his wife and daughter, too. I would like to relay some more of his writings to you, just to show his reeling me in.

Hi again, Mary.

I'm just about to sign off for the night, but wanted to respond to you now, and then I will add more, tomorrow when I log on.

First, you are GOOD! I never realized what 'desserts' spelled backwards is, so thank you for that! : )

It's quite unbelievable that he would subject himself and his wife to this humiliation, when he is the one who did something wrong. You mentioned he's trying to humiliate YOU, but I think it's quite the opposite. If he knows you have the 'proof' on your cell phone, texts, emails, phone calls, etc., he is taking one big chance; however, I agree with your attorney that you should allow him to settle this for you, in court, where you don't even have to appear, and then allow it to dissipate on it's own. You won't gain anything by taking it further. Yes, he's lying to the court, and he has some nerve bringing any action against you, but I really don't think you want those messages played aloud and 'entered in to the record', so heed your attorney's advice.

Yes, I'd be interested in hearing more of his writings, if you would like to share them.

Try to have a good night. Watch some 'mindless' TV (my faves are Nick at Nite and TV Land) and fall asleep knowing tomorrow will be a good day for you.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>I met with the attorney on Monday morning, and signed the form that I will comply with the Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) (and that I had no fire arms). The sherriff came on Monday morning at 6:45 a.m. to serve me a duplicate TRO. My 11-year-old roommate answered the door, upsetting her on a school day. If he does not let up, I could face possible eviction. On top of everything, his colleagues and he have been allegedly committing (for the Inspector General to determine) government fraud, waste, and mismanagement (GFWM). They know I have been witness to this, so their efforts to destroy stem past committing adultery. </p><p> </p><p>Today, Wednesday 04/08/09, I woke up to my attorney e-mailing me that they are again "upset" because I sent an e-mail speaking nothing but the truth again to the colleague. I asked him if using the government funding to establish a new company was GFWM. I know everyone thinks, "why doesn't she just move on, and stop contacting?" </p><p> </p><p>Well, first, this e-mail was before being served. </p><p> </p><p>Second, even so, the e-mailed person is not on the TRO. </p><p> </p><p>Third, I am hurt, and when a person is hurt they pull out their trumps. </p><p> </p><p>And, fourth, it is my right and can be viewed obligation as a U.S. citizen to expose GFWM.</p><p> </p><p>This is getting way deeper than hurt feelings, huh?</p><p> </p><p>They, of course, have a "friend of the family" attorney who they can bend the ear of any time. My attorney is pro bono, and just wants to move on. Me, too. But, they seem to want to do restraining orders to me of everyone in the world. Granted, but he started it, I do know a lot about his family, work, etc.</p><p> </p><p>So, this does put a twist on my hurt feelings. Yes, he has done some real zingers to my emotions. Ones typical - such as misspelling my name on a package, saying my eyes are blue when they are not, breaking the promise of NEVER abandoning me NO MATTER WHAT (as shown on a recent instant message).</p><p> </p><p>I feel now I need better legal help. Someone who will fight back at them for harassment. </p><p> </p><p>Anyway, I am still very hurt, and at the moment, my mind is very cluttered. So much for my big structure plan. I am getting a weird undertone from my landlords. I rent a room in a house. Everyone is Hispanic except for me. I fit in, though. Except, I do not need these issues harassing the rest of the family, much less me. There is the husband, wife, 27-year-old son (sigh!), and 11-year-old daughter, and another male Hispanic renter, and me in the house. I am such a good renter. Too good. If they have been in a jam, I pay rent in advance. At the moment, I am paid until August 2009, because they had car problems. But, yet, people in my life have not cared how good I am to them. </p><p> </p><p>Why is that? </p><p> </p><p>I even have a personal motto (not a good one, but true for me), "the better you treat people, the worse they will sh$& on you."</p><p> </p><p>This happens over and over in my life. Over and over! Hence, there must be something in my personality. I think it is my lack of ability to say, "no." Also, I am very alone. I was married from 18-26, and remember my husband being very supportive if I had an issue. Such as, for a small one but at the time felt intense (really intense), we lived in an apartment complex, next to an alcoholic. He would get beligerant, and one time his clothes were in the dryer for several hours, just sitting there. I finally took them out, to get on with my life. He went tactical missile at me. My husband went and yelled at him. That was nice to have that support. (It sounds weird, yelling and all that, but.)</p><p> </p><p>I am kind of rambling here.</p><p> </p><p>I may not see my therapist that helps me with the nightmares any more or for a while. For one, he is sick, and not seeing patients anymore. Plus, not to play the blame game, but he has known for a year my troubles with Ben. After relaying the information to him initially, he soon after told me to put a moratorium on Ben in our sessions because he felt I knew what to do, so why talk about it over and over. We agreed I needed to get out of the relationship, but I was still having trouble doing that. I needed to talk to him about it, but he had put the moratorium on. I feel if he had let me vent more, I could have obtained more strength. This is all something we will never know, but I always felt I was being suppressed on an issue that was ruining my life.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, enough for now. I cannot Accept for two days, at which time I get paid (Friday, 04/10/09). Please know that I will at that time. In the mean time, if you would kindly reply any thoughts on these matters, mainly coping with the legal stuff, I will compensate you in two days.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you.</p><p> </p><p>Does it sound to you like my attorney (being pro bono through Catholic Charities and not a personal family friend such as he/they have) is not looking for any of MY RIGHTS?</p>
Hi again, Mary.

I'm so sorry to hear that all this is escalating, especially the legal aspect.

I don't think your attorney is not looking out for you or protecting your rights, because even though he's pro bono, he accepted the job and he HAS to do what's right for you, WITH your permission. If you feel you'd like to change attorneys, if that's possible, and if it will make you feel more confident, do that. Don't worry that their lawyer is a family friend; many people's lawyers are family friends. Your attorney's job is to preserve and defend YOUR rights, and as long as he does that job, he doesn't have to be your friend; but, there are good attorneys and not such good ones, so find out if anyone else is available, but keep in mind that this one is already familiar with your situation.

Don't contact anyone about anything having to do with Ben or this situation. You're right, this is no longer 'restricted' to hurt feelings and a relationship gone wrong; if now, there's a legal aspect, you have to tread carefully. Don't do anything further, to get yourself in deeper or make the existing situations worse.

I know what you mean re: having a man go to bat for you, like when you were married; it's a nice feeling and gives you a sense of security, but you've been doing just fine on your own. You are a strong, intelligent woman and from what you're relating to me, you know how to take care of things very well, so you should take pride in that!

Don't let this legal thing sidetrack you from your structured plan. You've done everything you can do on your own, and it's up to your lawyer, now. It sounds like you live with a lovely family, and you HAVE been very helpful to them, paying your rent in advance, when they have needed it. Discuss with them that you certainly don't mean to upset them or involve them in any of your problems, and you're taking care of everything. Make sure they know how much you like living there and remind them you've always paid your rent in advance when they needed it, and will continue to do so. Just apologize for any inconvenience and tell them it will never happen again.

If you feel the urge to do anything else, re: contacting anyone related (work-wise) to Ben, squelch that urge and do NOTHING. You can't afford (emotionally) to add anything else to the existing problem.

I think it might be a good idea to find another therapist, especially if yours is sick right now and can no longer see you when you need him. Plus, I agree with you completely, that you should have been allowed to vent about Ben when you needed to. I know it's difficult, once a therapist knows all about your background and issues, to start over with a new one, but start looking and see what you can accomplish. Do you think it might be easier to relate to a woman therapist? Find out who is available through your coverage, and 'interview' some therapists to get a feel of who you might 'click' with, best, XXXXX XXXXX one.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
First on my mind, is yes, this lawyer of mine seems to be possibly too casual in his own relationships, to understand that a woman, though we are so silly in their minds to fall for this, do fall for the L word and all that when it is just for a piece of A$$. He has admitted to me that he has been, "caught in bed," and terms such as, that are not exactly coinciding with how I feel.

I also feel that just because Ben took the first legal action, somehow I have no rights anymore. I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY FURTHER CONTACT, but because of the contact I made prior to service, I am still being what I feel harassed about.

They are nervous because they have allegedly been conducting government fraud, waste and mismanagement, which is criminal. Remember my undertones? How they are usually correct? This is it right now. Ben knows he has brought me privy to the goings on at his office. I feel they are trying to scare me. They know I am very alone. Yes, the family seems supportive, on the other hand, they are quick to say they do not like the sherriff banging with his baton at 6:45 a.m. on a school day for their daughter to answer, and if true or not, the landlady "said" she was embarassed because a neighbor saw the sherriff's car, and asked her if there was trouble. So, to not belabor the point, just consider me very, very alone against a huge force.

I feel my body shutting down. I have to keep up appearances renting a room. These are people who could prey on my situation.

I wrote to the legal Just Answer, and they came back with, "what are you asking us to do?" I can't really answer that. It is kind of like a situation where I have to be raped or killed, otherwise there has been no crime committed to act on. That is exactly how I feel. While they are going high-order on some simple truth revealing texts. Why? I believe it is because of their potential criminal activity.

This puts me in a very tight spot. I am a simple disabled person on a fixed workers' compensation income. These are people who are looking to obtain millions in government contracts. I have the knowledge to screw that up for them.

Now, please get this. I am no saint at all. But, I did grow up in a small Minnesota town. Going to church and Sunday School. This caused great naivity in the ways of the world. I was taught hard work ethic, and honesty. (I was also taught not to have sex outside of marriage, and failed, I admit.) It is more in fashion in the ways of the world to join those seeking the millions and perhaps get a cut, than to protect the taxpayer. But, I am a misfit. I have resolved to live on my little stipend which I had to fight 23 months tooth and nail for, than to seek being wealthy with the greedy and evil. I am just too sick, and have this embedded little brown church in the vale instilled in me. And, it is killing me. It is why I am on workers' compensation. I saw FWM before, and accidentally reported it. It caused a very hostile work environment. Get this: At my government job there are flyers that if you see FWM and YOU DON'T REPORT IT you are in trouble. But, if you do, you are retaliated against.

And, I am treading carefully, and not breaking any Temporary
Restraining Orders. But, this lawyer, and I have to admit your tone makes me sound guilty of something. Yes, I am guilty of exposing truths that according to the court papers resulted in emotional distress*. No one is caring about my emotional distress because I am just the horrible little whore who let the married man screw me at hiws convenience. *Emotional distress in this case is anything out of incredible comfort, wealth, reputation, his wife's knowledge that she did not have complete control (my very first entry with you). The court papers said it caused a temporary separation for his wife and he. This all within 10 days. How big of a separation is that? He probably stayed at his daughters two miles away for a night.


Again, they are freaking out about the Department of Defense Inspector General investigating their use of government funds to create a new company. This will make monsters out of them. I need help. Something bad is going to happen to me. Be it physical or legal. I have no legal record (except for a few speeding or parking tickets which have all been resolved).

Did I tell you that these people are Japanese. I mention this because Ben used to refer to his culture many times, and one thing being how frowned upon it would be if he were exposed to have an affair, especially with a blonde Caucasian 15-year junior woman.

Please help me, Cher. Can you talk to a lawyer? On Friday, you have my word in writing here that I will compensate you. That is another thing, these people have money.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
In the mean time, I am going to take a bath. It is a huge feat for me. Will you see me through the day to make sure I do something besides wallow in bed. I will contact you after my bath.
Hi Mary,

I will always be here for you, to help you get through these hard times. I have no legal knowledge, as far as advising you in THAT way, but I'm glad you sent a question to our Legal category. If you can pinpoint the things you're most worried about, as you did here, this will give them more of an idea of what's going on.

I will tell you now, that after your bath, you can't get into bed, even though you may feel like it, because that's 'hiding' from the world and your problems. What's done is done, and although it may be coming back to bite you in the a**, as it were, you can't take back your actions. I understand your feeling that because they have money and you have a pro-bono lawyer, you're getting the short end of the stick, in your legal representation. Also, it disturbs me that your lawyer admitted to an affair or some affairs, in his past, which doesn't sound very professional to me. The case may, on the outside, sound like a 'woman scorned' type of situation, which is partially true, but never admit to that, of course.

If you don't feel 'covered' by this lawyer, by all means request another one and ask for a woman. Don't give so many details re: the affair, and how he broke promises and how he hurt you; that's irrelevant now. You did what you did because, to quote from what you told me: "At my government job there are flyers that if you see FWM and YOU DON'T REPORT IT you are in trouble." Try to stick with that 'defense', but to be quite honest, I wouldn't push anything. I think they CAN make a lot of trouble for you, and I'm not telling you to back off, because I am a person of principles, just as you are, but the situation is beginning to sound a little out of hand. You need to know that a good, experienced lawyer is representing you and will know how to take care of this, so you don't get in further trouble.

As far as the place you're living, the Sheriff, etc., while it IS unfortunate that the little girl had to open the door and the neighbors asked if anything was wrong because they saw the police car there, explain to the family that you are truly sorry, they shouldn't have been involved at ALL, you had papers served and there's nothing wrong, you did nothing illegal, and you hope they will not hold this against you, as you really love living there, etc., etc. If you expect another paper to be served, you can ask your lawyer to contact the process server's office to let them know that you DON'T own the house you live in, you're renting, and they disturbed and frightened the family you live with, plus your living arrangements have been jeopardized by the Sheriff knocking on the door at such an ungodly hour, scaring a little girl. Tell them that you are very willing to accept the papers being served, but is there another way they can serve the papers so the family is not upset and the Sheriff's car doesn't have to be seen in the driveway. I know they can't serve you at work, because you're not working now, but ask if they can be served to your lawyer's office or if you can meet the serve somewhere, at a store, etc., near your house, because you can't have this family upset again. All you can do is ask, and then see what will happen. As I mentioned, ask your lawyer to ask FOR you (that's why a lawyer is called a 'mouthpiece'. Then, take it from there.

If you write back immediately or in a little while, I wanted to let you know that I will be away from the computer for a while, so I'm not ignoring you and your promise of an accept on Friday was very kind of you, but realize that doesn't affect when or how I answer you; I think you already know that, right? : )

After your bath, find something to occupy yourself, which you an old movie, do your makeup, clean out your closet or drawers. Don't go to bed and hide under the covers......that's what they want! Don't give it to them! You are a strong woman, and you need to prove that to YOURSELF. You've already shown that side of yourself, to me! You're strong and have a lot of determination. You will deal with these problems, with the help of a lawyer and you will succeed. You have done nothing wrong; you did what they instructed you to do at work, and that's all there is to it.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi Mary,

Just checking in to see how you're doing today.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>Hi, Cher!</p><p> </p><p>I think through all this legal stuff which I am having a clearer picture of my emotional heartache is gone. </p><p> </p><p>Here is the deal. Ben was an emotional torment. He, of course being a man, was extremely attentive AT THE BEGINNING as I have told you. The, what he considers "threats" or contraband, P E T V I (Phone, E-mail, Text, Voice, Instant Messages) will indicate this. But, they will also indicate the "turn" that men make. I know it is not Front Page news and happens a million times over to women all over the world all the time. It is nothing new, and will continue because men know what to say, and women know what we want to hear. I need not go into any particulars here except for the classic, "I just love being with you so much!" or "I can't sleep, you are on my mind too much." Anyway, that changes with time. The next thing you know, as said before, he is rushing off to pick up dog poop in his backyard before it gets dark. You are less important than that.</p><p> </p><p>So, emotional torment. I am realizing in this short time, that I no longer have that torment. Sure, I have the Temporary Restraining Order (what a lawyer they the paper....there are some real tragedies going on out there, much more emotional distressing than a suburban, cushy life (her big decision in life is if she should take her high-end husband-bought car to the high-end factory outlet mall today or not), frigid wife finding out that her husband could not take the neglect anymore). I know I sound "bitchy" but am I wrong?</p><p> </p><p>I am seeing some light on the TRO, too. They want me to break it. That is the reason for the follow-on complaints they were making to their attorney friend. Ain't gonna happen. In fact, it is for three years. Cher, maybe this might sound high on myself, but I knew this man very well. Aside from the emotional torment, when things were good, they were very good. Let's put the nasty aside, because it truly did nothing for me, but he was quite into it. On the other hand, he had some incredible times with me. I showed him things he had never seen before. There were times we sat and had coffee and had such good laughs and conversation that he would call me on his way home to tell me he wished he could just bottle the feeling he had from it.</p><p> </p><p>For now, he thinks I threw that all away by alerting his wife. (Have I mentioned how ironic it is that they are so mad at me for letting them this day, it would still be going on otherwise....they want deception, cheating and lies - now that one boggles me.) Right now, he hates me. I don't care, but as time goes on, he is going to realize that he was having a lot of fun, even without the nasty, but, yes, mostly for the nasty because he is a jerk. And, he is going to realize the I cannot contact him for three years, and God-forbid should he contact me. Then, in three years, I will be so far gone that he will not even cross my mind.</p><p> </p><p>Things all come full circle. </p><p> </p><p>When he first "took up" with me, he was really into getting me to go on two particular trips he had planned. Las Vegas and Visalia. These were coming up at that time in the following few months. He fell in love with me during that time, but also, I believe he did not think past those trips. In September, when he invited me, it all seemed light and fun. And, it was fun, but I am not sure about light, because he really began to like (love, blah blah blah) me. The trips were over but the feelings were getting stronger. It was then that two things contrary things happened. He relayed he had fallen in love (or whatever) with me - but also, he began his slow distancing from me almost out of fear of his feelings for me. These were mixed messages for me that only got more confusing as time went on. What I am getting at is "going full circle."</p><p> </p><p>He (or his daughter, who I believe is strongly behind this, but HE IS going along with it) filed those papers, I believe not "thinking ahead." At the moment, they seem like a good idea, but down the road, he will miss me.</p><p> </p><p>OK - do not worry. This is an undertone or speculation on my part. I am not counting on it, and know I will never come to know or not know. So, do not worry that I see my knight in shining armor (please!) riding on his big white horse back to me. In fact, I am praying that NEVER happens!</p><p> </p><p>But, I will say this. I still need you, Cher. Because, as can be expected, I have my moments. Moments where I feel humiliated. Moments where I feel "they" want me to "eat crow." Moments where I am hurt that on the papers he said we were "friends" who saw each other "periodically." Nice vague terms for legal papers.</p><p> </p><p>On the other hand, I continue to recognize God as giving me an emotional break. That meaning He is holding His hand over my aching heart, and you know what? It does not ache that bad. He is filling my mind with those emotional torment thoughts which may sound weird, but they were so overwhelming during the time, that the hour at the coffee shop where it was so wonderful was minutia.</p><p> </p><p>Just keep telling me how lucky I am. Yes, he deceived me. Yes, he was pretty good at it, for someone who claims to be in "virgin territory" (yes, there is a text that reads, <strong>"kinda scary/new virgin territory 4 me: really miss u! dont know how 2 act or wht 2 say but u make me feel so good in/out. Gotta go slow???").</strong></p><p> </p><p>Back to <strong><u>structure and thinking of things to do</u>, </strong>is the highest priority. I am going to Accept and take a break for a while, but your thoughts are always so incredibly welcome. Sorry, for the lack of Accepting. I did get paid Friday. Yippee!</p>
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for your update and your accept.

It's great that you got paid yesterday! : )

I understand exactly where you're coming from, and how you arrive at the theories and thoughts you are expressing. I also think you're completely right about everything. You have wonderful insight, and the great ability to 'distill' a situation down to it's barest essential.

The basic truth IS, he got 'caught', and had to take the legal action because, and I agree with you, that either his daughter or his wife forced this. I don't doubt that he meant everything he said to you, when he said it to you. It's a shame it had to end like this, but he brought it on himself. I'm glad the emotional heartache is starting to dissipate, and in a way the three year TRO is the BEST thing for you. It will prevent you from making any contact, in moments of weakness, don't you think?

Just think of it this way; right now, his life is a living hell, but you're able to move on. You really show incredible strength, and I admire you for that. You are in no way, a weak person; you have tremendous strength of character and you should be very proud of that. You're absolutely right--you WILL move on, and in 3 years this will be but a distant memory, and he will never find you and you will never want to find him, again. You will be in a completely different phase of your life and you'll find happiness with a man who is NOT a liar and is NOT attached, so look forward to that!

I hope you have a joyous Easter and continue to be strong and stick with your structured routine. You know I will always be here for you.


Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Dear Cher,

I do have my moments of sorrow. But, I believe that breaking through them by writing affirmations such as I have even though somewhat sorrowful are important. The more I convince myself I am happy he is gone, and though I am transitioning on this thought, I really believe I am. No more, and I know I use this one a lot, but it was the epitome of insults and low-priority. The one about the dog poop, and having to get home before dark to pick it up he said.

He does not get the to be with the charming, good looking, witty, fun, and sexy girl (GFLWFSG)anymore. I would tell him that I had emotions, and that I felt they conflicted with his plan for just a CGLWFSG. I told him on a few occasions that what he wanted by only wanting a CGLWFSG without the baggage of emotions was an unpaid hooker. Of course he did not like to hear that, but it is true. What is a hooker? Someone who is sexy, charming, witty, good looking, and fun. And, usually paid, but that was not the arrangment to his delight, and maybe sounds like I was even more used, but I can hold my head up knowing I was no prostitute. Just being used as one, without the money.

Structure. Took bath today. Still have heavy heart at times out of lack of support system (you are there for me, I do acknoledge), and not so much a support system, but just friends.

Agoraphobia and Depression. Have I told you (I do that a lot because I feel I repeat myself - people have told me that is OK because it helps refresh them memory). Anyway, I hope it gets better, but at first I noticed a renewed energy inside myself where I could pretty much stay awake for the usual and healthy 14-16 hours a day. I think when the TROs came in, I went into a Depression that caused me to begin my routine of hitting a brick wall (fatigue) in the early afternoon, and going to sleep (because I felt a wave a fatigue come over me, and to escape). I would sleep for about three hours. Then, it would be evening. I am usually tossing and turning for awhile hoping to fall back asleep, but am wasting going on five or six hours at this point in bed. SOMETIMES, I can get up and do a few little things. But, more often than not, I do the toss/turn thing, until I feel I should just take my sleeping pills which put me to sleep until the next morning. I AM NOT LIKING THIS! It is not healthy first and foremost. I understand the need to keep the blood moving, and for goodness sake, atrophy (sp?). I also understand laying in bed, and when not sleeping, just causes the tendency to dwell. So, I need to break this cycle. Very easy for me to say at the moment. I am not tired. The brick wall has not hit me. But, when it does, it is like "stop the presses," she down for the count.

Exercise. Another easier said than done, but getting into a routine even if it is by baby steps (a run around the block at first) I feel is vital. I am 47. In my late 20s, I had a wedding to go to. Tried on the formal dress I had, and no zip. Totally disgust with myself. I weighed in at 148 (5'6). Something inside said, "uh uh!" I began jogging. Baby steps. In six months, I was up to five miles, and 25 pounds lighter. Other notables, were I never or rarely had anxiety. Also, sleep was pretty certain (without pills, which now seems impossible, but who knows).

So, today. Have taken bath. Want to put in my contacts and do my hair, make-up and get dressed. SHOULD DO THAT INITIAL RUN AROUND THE BLOCK! Do you want to challenge me, so I can come back with I DID IT, or I JUST CAN'T (like a wimp)? Then, I need to get to Penney's to pick up new contacts, go to my post office, and the bank. I would love to then come home and not let the brick wall hit me. But, rather even though not active, read or watch TV or write or something. But, no "bedding," please!

Any ideas on how to make this happen. I know it lies in me, but a little life coaching could help.

Thank you, Cher.
Hi Mary,

I think your plan sounds great! Put in your contacts, do your hair and makeup, get dressed and GO! I do challenge you to accomplish what you need to, today, and you have a very structured plan which you can stick to, easily. Your bank and post office are open today? Lucky you! Mine are closed. Also, Penney's is having great sales, so if you happen upon some great bargains while you're picking up your contacts, and come home with something (anything) new, I think this will boost your spirits even more!

Your afternoon naps, if you feel you are truly tired, and need to sleep for a couple of hours, are nothing to skimp on, if necessary, but, this is what I recommend: set your alarm for 2 hours; if you can't fall asleep right away, that's alright, but I would NOT toss and
turn for more than 15 minutes. If you can't fall asleep, get out of bed and do an activity. If you do fall asleep, you'll have a 2 hour nap, and definitely get out of bed when the alarm goes off. You realize that if you nap, you most likely WILL have trouble falling asleep at night, so again, use the 'no tossing/turning rule' applied to 15 minutes. If, by then, you cannot fall asleep, take your sleeping pill to help. I agree, tossing and turning and not sleeping does lead to 'dwelling', and that is not what you want right now.

If you could do your jogging, lose weight, and feel great, when you needed to fit into that dress, that shows you have a lot of 'stick-to-it-tiveness', which is a great attribute. If you did it once, you can do it again. I realize your situation is different, now, but again, as you said, 'baby steps'. If you're out of shape (aren't we all?!), it's best to start slowly, so you don't overtax your body, and just increase your walking time by a little bit, every couple of days; take it slow, there's no 'race', but it WILL help you feel better and clear your head. Use a walkman to listen to music, or even a book on tape, while you're walking, so you're accomplishing two things at once, and your mind will be focused--no dwelling!

Ok, let me know when you get back from your walk and your errands.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi. I did do the run around the block yesterday. And, need to do it today, too.

I have another issue in my life that is a constant, but not an affair of the heart, that I have noticed this weekend to flare up. I do not want to complicate matters by getting our relationship and what you know about me too "complicated," but just to let you in on something - I live with a family. This problem often is that the mother "pawns" the 11-year-old off on me a lot. Sometimes through deceit (my favorite, huh?). A big one is tutoring. I can make this kid have A+s, but the parents are no where to be found when I am tutoring (AT NO COST). Most of the time, they leave the daughter and I at the house for me to not just tutor, but entertain and babysit (AT NO COST) (she is 11 and CA law says that a child under 14 cannot be left at home alone without an adult). Anyway, it is another form of being used, just like Ben used me. Who is the common denominator? The one who allows it. Boundaries are good in life, but can be tough to establish and stick to. Anyway...

Ben. Today, I am really starting to not understand that lawyer. And, Ben, for lying on court papers. Friends, periodic. Stating I caused emotional distress that caused a temporary separation. I happen to know that IT because known on a Tuesday, and the following Thursday, his car was in front of his house. That means if he had been gone the whole time we are talking nine or ten days. A separation? He "maybe" stayed at his daughter's cushy house a mile away the first night. Anyway, a 10-day separation is nothing. Nothing emotional distress court orders should be filed over. Here's one regarding them separating. She went up North for 20 days in September/October 2008 much to his delight because he had me stay with him, and to no distress of hers as she was with her sister helping her after surgery. And, the lying. That is just to make me feel even more like a slut. It says, period...friends. Is this a periodic friend text message? From him to me: (this is a mild one)

Naughtie hottie. Going 4 brief walk. Call me if u can. If connection bad, not 2 worry. Txt message OK, or we could chat via e-mail. Miss you a lot. Just me/your boyfriend.

This is the guy who would do a TRO because I was texting, e-mailing, calling too much. Plus, "boyfriend."

Anyway, why don't I get to show the courts these relays? He gets to tell his lie, but I can't tell the truth in defense of his lies?

It is burning me up.

Finding it hard to function. Well, after all the Greek mythology I had to study this morning, who wouldn't be tired. So, I am burning on both ends.

I do see a laywer tomorrow. Here is something. Back when I was working my workers' comp issues, I was, like now, very ill and weak. Like his daughter's RECENT text message said, "you are ONE, we are FOUR." Basically, she was saying that my life doesn't matter, but their family unit cannot be disrupted. Plus, it infers she has help to pick on me. Plus, they are healthy, and have the family friend lawyer.

Yes, that you are ONE we are FOUR hurt a lot. At the time, I was still thinking, what about the TWO of us. But, realize how that was not being considered.

Anyway, in a funk today. Really mad that I do not have energy to prepare for my meeting with the lawyer tomorrow.
Hi again, Mary.

I just received your newest post.

First, I'll address the Ben issue.

I understand completely how frustrated and upset you are, at the 'injustice' of this predicament. I'm the same way; if an injustice is perpetrated, it must be 'made right'. If someone lies through their teeth and are believed (for whatever reason), I want to scream at the unfairness of it. I'm not a lawyer, so I can't advise you from that point of view. Personally, I'd have to remind you to try to take it 'easy' regarding these allegations/lies, because you are the one being accused, and, unfortunately, he does have people to lie for him, where you only have yourself. His daughter's 'threat' (oh, yes, I would call it an implied threat or even a 'taunt'), "you are ONE, we are FOUR", not only belies the undertones of this, reeking of lies, but also is a way of her saying, you don't have a leg to stand on, not because you know/speak the truth, but because we are bigger in number, so we will prevail, no matter what! I think she will regret her words and I also believe Ben will Ben will pay retribution in one way or another, for his lies and what he has done to you. Put this to the lawyer you meet with tom'w, and ask truthfully, if it would be in your best interest at this time, considering the TRO, etc., to bring up the fact that he lied on legal papers, and you can prove it with the texts, etc., or if, to save your own skin right now, you should just keep quiet and see what happens. Also, ask if you can file a counter-suit against him for anything he's said/done, since he has lied.

Regarding the 'tutoring' and babysitting you've been asked to provide for the 11 year old child living in the house, technically, you could ask for a decrease in your rent, for these 'services' rendered, but at this particular time, if you feel in any way, your living space could be taken away from you, because they got all freaked out re: the Sheriff, etc., you might have to bite your lip and not say anything. There's no doubt you're being taken advantage of, but, due to the current circumstances, you have to take everything into account and make sure you will not have to move. They really have some nerve. You are a 'tenant' in their home, not a family member, aunt, guest, who is available to babysit and help the child with homework, whenever they ask you to. Now, if they were to not charge you rent, you could 'barter' and do these services in return for the'll have to not say anything for now, until you see how things will go with the legal stuff, unfortunately. So, what did you learn today, re: Greek Mythology? ; ) An eleven year old (in 5th grade?) is doing this in school? Times/curriculum have certainly changed since I was in school!

As far as preparing for the meeting with the lawyer, tom'w, just jot things down that you'd like to ask/discuss and keep focused on the most important things. Also, have a pen and paper with you, to take notes on what he says, so you can refer to them, later. Don't belabor the info re: the texts, etc., just say you can prove what he says in the papers are lies, and how would you go about fighting this? Can you take out a restraining order against him, his wife and his daughter, also? Find out.

Let me know how it goes, tomorrow.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi, Cher!

I am going to spent most of the day, prior to 1:30 p.m. prepping for the lawyer. I consider lawyers to "have seen it all." So, some of this stuff he has written that one would perhaps be aghast to hear or see, I hope he can handle.

I mentioned I look in the paper at real crime. "Man kills 3, then kills himself." "Somali pirates." "Mother found guilty of killing 8-year old daughter." And, I they found a lawyer to take the time to treat me like a criminal? Sheesh.

The family thing is all so weird. They even know they are taking advantage. They are Hispanic, so there is that mentality, too, while I am La Juetta. One thing I can say is that if they want to cause trouble for me, I have plenty on them (NOT AGAIN!). Illegal immigration, cock fighting (gross!!!!), not putting rental income on 1040s, etc. For one thing, the little girl is going away for four days. It is vacation. She is going away for the first time in her life with other people. I hope my undertone is wrong (or maybe I don't), but I have a feeling she is going to be calling mommy to come get her in a day or two. Maybe, she will have fun, but it is a biggy for someone who has never been away alone. And, the woman who is heading the group I believe is bi-polar, so we have the potential for erratic emotions. Whatever. SEP. That is a cold abbreviation Ben told me (cold, of course). Somebody Else's Problem.

Anyway, this will be short. I wish there was a way to send you the chart of texts I have compiled. You gave some sage advice though in having the EVIDENCE!!! in order, but perhaps just keeping it simple for the lawyer initially. I could scare him away. On the other hand, one must be prepared if they want to see it. A lot of work, but what else do I have to do? Not really. But, for the moment.

I am going to work on this and get ready and stuff. But, I will check in with you. I can afford an Accept, but please keep in contact. You are my rock right now. As stated way earlier, I have NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. So, thank you for being mine!
Hi Mary,

I wanted to get back to you before your meeting with the lawyer, but I had several hundred things to take care of myself, today, so please forgive my delay.

You did everything right, in being organized and compiling your information for the lawyer, but yes, let's keep it simple at first, (I don't think you'll scare him away!), and just stick to facts, but definitely be prepared, so you're all set!

I have a pretty strong feeling the lawyer will not want to see/hear about the texts, etc., but you can explain how it is important, and to keep it in mind to use, if needed.

Please don't worry about the accepts; you've been very generous and thanks so much for your latest accept and bonus; they are greatly appreciated! I will not lose contact with you, and I'm happy to be your support system!

I also learned something from you, today, re: SEP and I like that very much, so thank you!

Re: the family situation and the little girl going away, I hope she has a good time and doesn't ask to come home earlier, as this will mean more 'babysitting' for you? You need to tell these people that you are NOT available every minute of every day, JUST because you may not go out much. They really have a nerve expecting you to mind their daughter......they have a built in babysitter/tutor and you're not even being compensated. I know you feel in a vulnerable position right now, because they were upset about the Sheriff serving the papers and the little girl answering the door, but you DO have more on them, and when the time is right, you should ask for a decrease in rent (which is not being reported) OR actual cash payment, in exchange for your babysitting services; I think that's more than fair.

Please let me know how the meeting went.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>The lawyers just say move on. Thanks a lot. I just had two people tell me that my driver's license taken at the start of HIM, I look a lot happier. I look at pictures right before him, and I looked really good. He zapped my looks. Move on? I do have a sad look on my face even without being sad. Sad eyes. The windows to the soul. </p><p> </p><p>So, lawyers just say I have nothing. Just be good and don't contact. All those days he would come knocking on my door. What about my appearance he took away from being sorrowful and tormented for 18 months. </p><p> </p><p>By the way, I slept for 23 hours yesterday. 8 a.m. to 7 a.m. this morning. I want to just sleep my life away.</p><p> </p><p>This just in, I just got un Unknown hang up.</p><p> </p><p>My landlords are weird, too. Let me just run this scenario by you.</p><p> </p><p>Their daughter is so spoiled. Well, on Monday she went away for three days. She comes home today. On Tuesday, the lady she went with called to say she would not eat. That she did not want to eat what was at the dinner table, but wanted to be brought to Subway or Taco Bell. These parents take the daughter's side, because that is what they do. Now, I agree with the lady. Or, I should say looking back to my childhood (that of which I had), if we sat down at someone's table, you ate what was passed around. Granted, if there was a food that you knew your stomach did not process well, you would be entitled to decline, but that was not the case. The daughter just wanted to see if she could manipulate another person into spoiling her rotten. There were cheese quesadillas for one thing being served and she eats these all the time. In a pinch, if that was all she liked, a few of those would suffice for a meal. She would not starve. What a brat!</p><p> </p><p>Today, I am going to go down to Hollywood to see the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson being taped. All by myself. After yesterday's display of 23 hours sleep, I must turn this around. It is so easy to just go into the pity party..."how could he set me up for something that could put me in jail for five days after all I gave him...blah blah blah." But, there should be a law in my favor. Isn't that the epitome of cruelty? He files legal documents that could land me in jail for five days.</p><p> </p><p>In three years when the RO expires, all the evidence will be compiled and handed to his wife. You are thinking, just move on, don't waste your time. But, I have already compiled the textst, and have three years to do the e-mails, audibles, Instant Messages and phone records.</p><p> </p><p>In addition, the Inspector General will be investigating his company. Alerting them to the fraud, waste, and abuse cannot be "restrained." I am protecting the taxypayer. It is my civic duty. </p><p> </p><p>Remember, Cher. All I asked for was an apology.</p><p> </p><p>I will not hurt anyone physically. I will abide by the RO.</p><p> </p><p>You can tell I am having a moment.</p>
Hi Mary,

I'm so glad you updated me! I was going to write and ask you how things were going, if I had not heard from you today.

It's unfair, it's not right, it's definitely seeming to put the law on the wrong side, regarding him, but, your lawyer is right. You need to let it go; if you feel you'll let it go for the 3 years duration of the TRO, so be it. If you're planning on making life miserable for him, after that, you still have time to think about it. Just remember, you don't want to do something that will backlash in your face or get you in trouble with the law, at that time, down the line.

I've said this earlier, but I really believe it: what goes around, comes around; I do believe in Karma, and I believe (even if you are not aware of it), HE'LL GET HIS! I know it may not be 'nice' to think this way, and you should not wish him ill or harm, but things have a way of righting themselves in this cosmic universe and I really think that because of what he's done to you, combined with the illegal activity going on at his company, he will 'pay' in one way or another. I think you should take solace in this thought. It will have nothing to do with you, it will just happen; a series of circumstances, created by some new lies or the ones he's already perpetuated, will come back to bite him in the rear. When you asked for an apology, he couldn't have done that without admitting he was in the wrong; that's why he will never do that. YOU know he was wrong, everyone knows he was wrong, he will never admit it!

Don't worry about how you look now, compared to when you first met him. You will find happiness again, and a man who is NOT a liar, and who is able to spend all his time with you, because he has no other attachments. Your face will look happy again! Positive thinking, that's what you have to concentrate on, now. I think the things that you're accomplishing, and the routines that you're establishing and sticking with, are a fantastic move in the right direction, and you should be applauded for the strength that you may not think you have, but you are certainly exhibiting!


It's too bad that you felt the need to sleep for so long, yesterday, but maybe your body needed to 'regroup'. The fact that you're going down to the Craig Ferguson taping today, is GREAT! I wish I lived in that area, so I could attend tapings of most of the shows that are filmed there. I love Craig Ferguson; I loved him on Drew Carey, and didn't even know he wasn't British until I heard his 'real' accent when he got his show. I think he's an excellent host and his monologues are great. I don't watch it too often, but when I catch it, I enjoy it. Do you know who the guest(s) will be? I hope you get to see someone you love; maybe get an autograph?? Let me know how it goes.

Ok, re: the spoiled little girl, what can I say? The parents are doing her a large disservice, but, she's their child, and will have to contend with a very spoiled and temperamental teenager, in the very near future. They sound like the type of people who would never believe anything 'bad' about their daughter, so don't say anything, and try to spend less time with her, re: your unpaid babysitting/tutoring services. Maybe this will help you get out of the house, more! If you're not available, because you're going out and doing things, you can't babysit, right?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>I am very upset and crying right now. My mother, who I do not condone the behavior of at all, but I am my mother's daughter (she was/is such a terrible mother) has this thing where when she gets upset she goes through everything that reminds her of what she is upset about and more (like clothes, jewelry, etc.) and I am finding myself doing that. Feeling the need to throw away all the clothes he has ever seen or touched, and buying all new. A part of me feels if I can afford it, it may be good idea. Another part of me feels like my crazy mother. And, then another part of me feels like if I can't afford it*, I am allowing him to continue to hurt me. This may not go in a good outline format, but rather random thoughts. But, I must pour them out so I can stabilize.</p><p> </p><p>* Affording things. The spoiled little girl. You are so right. The family I live with is Never Wrong! Unless it is their idea (sometimes they talk about Julissa being spoiled). One thing Ben did say was I should spend all my money on Mary Myers. But, screw him anyway. But, putting him out of the picture, I should. I have no children or dependents, and aside from financial obligations, the rest should be for me. Here is my tendency. To be overly fair, and spoiling. Here is a typical scenario I take on. True story. Last week, Julissa was gone for four days. That is beside the point. Well, the "papa" got sick. I was the only one with some Robitussin in the house. I gave it to him, but did notice there was not a lot left. I knew he had to work the next day. I think it was about Wednesday. Due to some inordinate napping (still working on breaking out of that, it may take awhile**), I did not fret that I was waking up at 2:00 a.m. I heard Papa coughing and blowing his nose. Here is where my heart can be too big perhaps. Perhaps enabling, co-dependent, etc. behavior, which I have confused with trying to be Mother Teresa (hahahahhahaha). Since, it was the middle of the night and, of course, I needed to be quiet, I decided (what about the agoraphobia?***) to go down the street a couple miles to Walgreen's to make sure Papa would have enough medicine for the next day. I thought it was 24-hour, but no. So, I pressed on to another drug store about five miles further, and it had turned into an Ace Hardware. Since, I had gone that far I decided to go 10 miles further, and was successful in a CVS Pharmacy being 24/7. I bought a few cold/flu products to the tune of $20.00. But then, I also saw a purse for $5 I thought Antonia (the mother) would like. Then, I saw this cute huge pink ring I thought Julissa would like for $12.75. I think I bought myself two pairs of panty hose because they were two for one for $3.99. Papa gets up at about 4:30, so actually after my probably 30-mile round trip, and shopping, it was about time for him to get up. He and Antonia went down to make coffee, and I brought down the medicine. I was a little smart here in having him decide between the Robitussin and Theraflu instead of giving them both (I bought Benadryl, too, but realized that causes drowsiness). He chose the $9.00 Theraflu. He commented on how the Robitussin the night before was good, too, but wanted to try the Theraflu. Here is another of my bad. He DID say, "how much do I owe you?" Common practice for me there is to say, "oh, that's OK." Why? Because I am the one that went out and got it. He did not ask me, so I feel that one should not be obliged to pay. I would say the jury is still out on that practice****. Antonia said she liked her purse, but we will see if or for how long she uses it. Julissa came home, and I wanted to surprise her with the ring, but Antonia had already told her I bought it for her (hmmmmm?). Julissa asked me if she could take it back and have the money instead. Sigh! I did have to return the Benadryl (or Maryadryl as Ben used to call it) and Robitussin, so I said OK. So, she scored on $15 because I did not have change. We got home just before karate, and her mother (who always does this as I have mentioned) left her but said she would be back in time to take her. Well, I went up to my room, and had some energy to do another errand that evening so I was getting ready. Julissa knocks on my door. She asks me, "have you seen my $15?" I said, "no." And, told her the last time I saw it. She went off, then came back still unsuccessful in finding it. Now, her face was red and tears were welling up (I almost said it was not like money she had earned or anything). She wanted to look in my car. So, we looked in the car. No $15. By this time, I was sympathetic, but WAS at the point of shutting my door, and having her deal with her loss. Turns out, her mother had taken it for safe keeping off the counter (where I had last seen it) without telling Julissa. So, what we have hear is a mother who dumps her child's stress on me, and instigates it. Next morning, Juilssa wants to go to Wal Mart with me. Why? Because I always buy her something. Her parents have told me to stop spoiling her, so when she picked out some things, I told her that she had to do some chores for me. She agreed. I figured out that I had spend $14 at Wal Mart on her. I went down in front of her mother and wanted to discuss what chores would amount to $14. Her mother was not helpful saying it was up to me. In reality for an 11-year old, considering we had just seen $10/hour at In and Out Burger (oh yah, I bought her that, too $5) (not to get off track here, but what do we have in this few days alone - $15, $14, $5 = $34). But, to get back to just the $14, I asked her to make my bed, garbage, go to my car and look for a receipt, go through receipts looking for the purchase of a fan, sharpen pencils. The In and Out grown ups have to work considering taxes two hours of flipping burgers, etc. for $14. First, Julissa stalled doing anything for me while she ate breakfast (slowly) and watched a favorite SITCOM. To the point I made my own bed. She did go to the car, but no receipt, so she did go through the receipts and said she could not find it. I took them, and found it quickly. This may have been too big of task for her. She had such attitude (by the way, her mother had left again), I just wanted her gone. She said real bratty, "what else?" I said it was enough. She passed the garbage on her way out, and I did call her on that (how dare I?). By this time, I definitely felt like she is at that stage of using and only liking you if there is something in it for her. Total disrespect. I avoided her the rest of the weekend, and she sure did not seem to mind since I was not going anywhere that there would be stuff for her. Otherwise, she would start the kiss up.</p><p> </p><p>** A little story. When I had a new cocker spaniel I noticed that she was a little lethargic. She seemed to want to do a lot of laying around. I asked the vet about it, and he said it might just be in her nature. Maybe, aside from adequate exercise, maybe it is in my nature to be a homebody. Though, I feel I would like friends, I have never made them very well for some reason***** and feel I am supposed to get out and do things, just because that seems to be the social culture, maybe I should just relax, and go with the flow. Yah, I think I am going to look at it that way more.</p><p> </p><p>*** Agoraphobia - I have a much easier time going out in the dark than daytime. Weird, huh?</p><p> </p><p>**** I am just going to stop.</p><p> </p><p>***** Friends. I consider myself a very nice person. I know I am. Sometimes, like with Julissa for example (believe me, there are many more, and I am the common denominator), it may be my "pushover" personality that allows others to use me generally, plus even use me to take out frustrations they have regarding others. Or, even use me as a tool for manipulation because I am so passive. These are strong forces using me that I am well aware of, but I do not know how to "fight" them. I can spot a lie (yes, deep down I think I knew Ben was lying a lot). I can see right through manipulation (Ben though did have me on this one in the beginning and for the most part). I feel like though I conquered fear a couple years ago with that walking in Minnesota, I have attached myself to my setbacks since, instead of recapturing that that I had succeeded at before. </p><p> </p><p>I am feeling some fear again. Fear is the worst enemy. It will hold you down so hard. It must be eliminated. So, what do I fear is the first thing I have to write down.</p><p> </p><p>I know I said enough for now.</p><p> </p><p>As for Ben in three years, I intend for him to be not even a distant memory. He does deserve that.</p><p> </p><p>As for men, they are not my goal. Everyone upon everyone tells me, "you will find someone who will treat you right, and love and care for you." To me, that is a typical thing to say, and though well-intended, I consider it trite and incomplete. If the person telling me that were to add the WWWWWH, I might believe them. But the WWWWWH is really the ticket to that happening, along with some fate, I guess. No one ever adds that. I want contentment within. I have been abandoned by:</p><p> </p><p>My father</p><p>My mother</p><p>My sister, Ginny</p><p>My sister, Suzi</p><p>My sister, Jolie</p><p>My job</p><p>My best friend who ripped me off for $20K before throwing me away</p><p>My places of shelter after helping them, too</p><p>My cars</p><p>My fiance</p><p>My best friend of 20-years. Another man who WAS NEVER GOING TO ABANDON ME.</p><p>Ben</p><p> </p><p>Those are just who come to mind. It started when I was eight years old, and has been my destiny. You may be looking back at my comment about "who is the common denominator?" Me. But, why? Why do people find such pleasure in throwing me away? Telling me to drop dead.</p><p> </p><p>I find I am more sensitive about Ben when other things in my life are unpleasant. Boy, now that would make a little sense.</p><p> </p><p>As for Ben, tears again - but why? It was A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Resonating in my head is he "would never abandon me - NO MATTER WHAT." It is best he has though it hurts. I am confused by the betrayals getting in the way of realizing how cruel he would be to me most of the time, and rejoicing in the freedom from that.</p><p> </p><p>By the way, I was five minutes late for Craig due to LA traffic. They would not let me in. I was all dressed up and no where to go. So, I went to Beverly Hills, and got a manicure and pedicure.</p><p> </p><p>Sounds good, huh?</p><p> </p><p>Can you help me with another I would call annoyance or pet peeve of living with people. Antonia is not very-well educated. She cannot talk on a basic intellilect level, and personally I am no prize myself, but. So her thing is to always ask me where I got something and how much it cost. In turn, though I don't care, she always tells me where she got stuff and how much it costs. I don't CARE that she got Gain detergent for $3.00. And, I feel a very private issue in one's life is being infringed upon, by her always inquiring how much things cost of me.</p><p> </p><p>How would you handle these two sides of the financial issues?</p><p> </p><p>Enough for now, my gosh.</p>
Hi Mary,

I'm glad to hear from you, again. Sorry you missed the Craig taping, but you can always go again, either there, or to another show. Now you know to leave enough time to allow for LA traffic, even though it's totally unpredictable! But, you got a mani/pedi out of it, so that was in your favor!

I'm glad you were able to get all these things that are bothering you, out, and down on paper. First, I would NOT throw out everything and start over. Even though you feel you may be able to afford it, in this day and age, it wouldn't be economically sound to do that, and then spend money on replacing your wardrobe; however, what I think will make you feel better and also help other people (because I know you are that kind of person), is to pick out one or two things and donate them to Goodwill or something like that. I think that will be sufficient; you don't have to get rid of your whole wardrobe. You can throw in a few accessories, too, as long as they are not too expensive and you know you won't use them again. It will be a contribution to your 'clean slate' program, re: Ben.

You are a very kind person, but yes, you are going overboard. It was so thoughtful of you to seek out a 24 hour drugstore to buy medicine for papá, and buying Antonia a purse and Julissa a ring. The medicine would have been sufficient, and necessary; the other gifts were really thoughtful, but when Julissa asked if she could have exchanged hers for the money, I would have said 'no'. You bought her a gift you thought she'd like, and did not OFFER to give her money as a gift. I would have told her if she doesn't like it, you'll take her back to the store to exchange it for another ring or something else she may like better, but no, not for money. It's bothersome that a child that age 'knows' to say something like that. She must have learned it from her parents, and as I said before, she'll be some handful when she is a teenager. You went above and beyond and were taken terrible advantage of. The Walmart trip, also, you were too kind and generous. You could have bought her ONE thing that was inexpensive, and she should have been grateful you bought her anything.

When you feel yourself being put upon, keep one thing in mind--you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do. It sounds like you're trying to 'buy' their love and acceptance, and look how much you already do for them. It's nice, though, that you sort of have a 'family unit' you're not related to, to do things for, and interact with, especially if you don't care for your own family that much. But, try to curb your need to 'give' all the time. That's leaving you feeling vulnerable and it seems you're regretting your actions, afterward. As you said, it was YOUR idea to go out and get the medicine late at night, and it was a very thoughtful thing you did. When he said, 'how much do I owe you', you could have told him, or you could have said, no, it's okay, I knew you needed it, so, don't worry about it.

Try to stick with this credo, without hurting other people: If it makes ME (Mary) feel good, I'll do it; if it makes me feel stressed or uncomfortable, I won't do it. Now, I'm not saying this in relation to your agoraphobia, which, by the way, you seem to be doing very well with! I mean interaction with 'the family', etc. Don't feel obligated to do things for them if it's not your problem/not your place. Julissa was upset she thought she lost her money, and she kept bugging YOU, when she should have been bugging her mother, who would have told her she put it away for safe keeping. If that little girl hadn't found the money (which she shouldn't have had in the first place), were you going to replace it? It sounded like that's where the situation may have been going, and I hope the answer would have been 'no'. And then she didn't end up holding up her end of the bargain, to do things for you around the house, etc., so she learned nothing from this experience, except, I can get money whenever I want it and don't have to do anything in return, OR I can 'say' I'll do something in return, but when I don't, or do it halfway, I still get to keep the money.

Don't be so free with your money, with people who don't 'give back' in another way. Ok, yes, you live with them, you want to keep living there, but you're being TOO nice, so slow down on those things. Something small and inexpensive would be just as, or MORE appreciated, infrequently, if you want to give a gift.

When Antonia asks you where you got something and how much it cost, just say, oh, I don't remember. Or, tell her the store, but tell her you don't remember the price. It's none of her business and it IS an infringement of your privacy. If she tells you she got a bargain on her laundry detergent, just smile and say, oh, that's a great price, and walk away--conversation OVER. You just remembered you had something to do in your room. You can't tell her to stop asking, but you don't have to give her any information. If the item wasn't bought that day, it's fine to say, oh, I don't remember. If it's something new, again, just say where you got it, and oh gosh, I can't remember how much it was, OR say something like 'the price isn't important; I liked it so I got it', and walk away.

I have to leave the computer for a while, now, but I'll be back later.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am just going to have a moratorium on the giving. I live on a fixed income, and need to start saving.

Julissa burned her bridge. She is at that age, 11, which used to be 13 or 14. Things like getting out of work and still scoring on money can hold bragging rights Monday at school.

I thought about the people at In and Out Burger, too. Do they get their pay before they do their work. If I should "backslide" which is a very far cry, because she has disrespected me to the fullest extent, any chores will be performed fully and timely prior to payment.

Cher - I have to tell you something. This morning when I was writing and before and after I was really feeling the major blues. Tremendous tears and despair. I could not function. This is not a first, but I do know that taking a narcotic-based relaxant will help my focus. So, I did. I feel I had to or I would crawl the walls. One thing to remember, and I am not justifying my "pill popping" or maybe I am, but it does hold credence. When you live with people, you have to maintain a certain composure. I do have Major Depression and other associated mental illness (agoraphobia, tinnitus). I cannot be in my room crying uncontrollably. Of course, it will happen at times, and that is only to be expected.

Since September 7, 2007, when I went on my first lunch with Ben which started the whole thing. I have almost daily taken something. I was nervous on that initial day of lunch due to agoraphobia, and just the meeting of someone who I had not seen. He did work at the place that I had the hostile environment (not the same department, but Naval Activity). I was not sure what he knew or did not know. Anyway, in getting ready I just felt I needed something to calm my nerves. I do believe that my nerves were calmed to the point, I felt I could function so much better with that pharmaceutical assistance.

For 18 months, I could not be around Ben without that assistance. I was too nervous. Not that he was so wonderful he gave me butterflies or anything. There was pressure to entertain him. There were the pressures of being the five requirements - witty, charming, cute, fun and sexy. The unpaid hooker.

I could go on and on.

But, I do not feel addicted. Yesterday, I coped (that is a good word for the effect) without assistance. I had very sad moments, but I endured them.

The thing is (and it is all relative) my life has not been and is not easy. I am physically healthy as far as I know. I wish I were as cute as when I was 20, but at 47 I suppose I am age appropriately that cute. My appearance is very important to me. It does not stop there. In my last note, I was going to ask you for help, and I know it is really something I need to do myself but it never gets done and it is important. What does not stop at my appearance is something far more important. I have a great desire to study and learn. With the agoraphobia, I would like to take online classes. I need to look into financial aid and the cirriculums themselves. This is something that nags me a lot.

Here is something that is in the back of my mind that creates an obstacle, but time is going by. I am on workers' compensation. In essence, I do have a job. It is so complicated the dynamics of me going back to work, I really do not know how they will ever figure it out should the doctor ever clear me which is doubtful at times (that coming from him). The obstacle is that should I ever be cleared, I am eligible for Voc Rehab. In other words, my employer is responsible to train me back into my job or equivalent. Hence, there is the fact that SOMEDAY my lessons would be paid for. But, at my age, it is getting to a point where I need to decide if I should keep waiting (which I feel I should not), but feel finding financial aid (grants) or paying myself which I see not possible on this fixed income makes it a Catch 22. I really want to learn. At the moment, not so much for employment, but just to gain skills and knowledge. Plus, I feel it would help me in aspects of my life that are cause for Depression (the Bens of the world, the familia, loneliness, lack of support system (except for you, and you are wonderful, I wish I could send you a crystal which I do to special people for luck). I do feel like a major root problem of my whole being is my loneliness. But, I do feel I could make learning my friend. There are so many areas I am interested in. Law, psychology, hollistic healing, tutoring, computer-related everything, writing, screenwriting.

Then on top of it. I would love to be an activist in some area. So far, not pin pointed. Once again, agoraphobia, but I do have the computer. One area of activism I thought of this morning was to have our government be more concerned about the American citizen. Yes, the rest of the world is important. And, I believe it is all connected. But, things have changed from the USA being big daddy and taking care of everyone, to needing some TLC itself. Isn't that obvious? Yes, once it used to be great to be so solid that we could take countries under our wing. But, I feel we have come to the point, where perhaps all that helping has caused us to suffer. (Sounds like me.) Without appearing selfish, I would like to get the government to recognize this (dah!), and analyze the allocations. I am no expert (and that is what I want to change) but word on the street is often that it is better to have not been born here and come here, than to be born here.

I just had a thought going back to the Valium. Not to condone it, but can you even see the clarity in my thinking now. Or, do I just feel it?

I should talk about that more. I could say, well, I am just going to take it like a vitamin, and have myself together. But, I know this is not the answer. For many reasons including dependence, tolerance, physical problems, and that typical masking of the problem which needs to be dealt with.

Anyway, enough for now. I hope I hear from you again as I feel I am getting somewhere at the moment.

I should say that I did call my local college about the financial assistance, and they, of course, said to come in. That is not just agoraphobia, but added is what everyone feels. Going to a campus where you do not know where to park or where the right office is, and the like. I am not one to think of it as an adventure, but maybe that is where I need to work on my thinking.

Please keep telling me more rotten things about Ben. That is always helpful and FUN! It might be a total waste of time to ponder and I know the ultimate recovery is apathy, but just for fun, what do you think he is going through? Typically, of course, as you do not know him or his wife or his daughter or his colleagues. What lies is he typically telling? Do you think it has blown over? Do you think he misses me (the sex, of course, because the rest was a lie). I do not mean to sound crude and mean, but I just want to bash him, even if it is imaginary.

OK - you may drop me now. But, please do not.

Yes, I am going to be quite quirky right now. More so than usual, so could you just indulge me?

Thank you. I know I am asking a lot, and perhaps I am out of bounds, but I feel like it would help me.

I do not know how to properly say this.

Thank you, Cher. Maybe because I feel like you are my friend, and it is kind of girlfriendy talk over a drink or something. And, I do not mean to rub it in because it is quite a feat for you, but you really are my only support.

So, if I ask a lot, it is because I have no other place to turn.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Oh yah, I would give my stuff to Catholic Charities. I am not Catholic, but they have helped me in the past.

Plus, today our female pregnant dog, had four puppies. I found her in labor, and brought her to my room. I actually watched the first one come out. I tried to get a hold of Antonia, but she did not answer. Then, she finally came home, and I just casually said, can you come to my room when you have a chance? She took her time because they are being kind of "pissy" toward me, but then was quite embarassed for not taking me seriously.
Hi again, Mary, and thanks for your replies, accept and generous bonus; they are greatly appreciated.

I will not 'drop' you; I will always be here for you and am flattered you regard me as your support system and as a 'friend'. I understand very well, where you're coming from, and you give very detailed descriptions, so that's helpful. Don't beat yourself up about feeling the need to take the Valium. You needed it, it was prescribed for you, you took it. If you are already aware of the side effects, possibility of addiction, etc., which you mentioned, you're not 'abusing' a medication, but taking it because you need it. You take it 'as needed', and that's fine. If you'd rather not take it on a steady basis, you won't, but only when you feel you need it. And if you feel you need it a few days in a row, that's fine, as long as you take the prescribed amount. If it helps you feel better and gives you clarity, that's a plus. By the way, I mentioned your detailed writing because I always think you express yourself in a coherent way, but if you feel more focused when you take the medication, and I did see some of that in your most recent note, then, that's good!

I'm a huge animal lover, so---how many puppies?? Are mom and puppies doing well? I hope everything is fine!

I think taking some courses re: psychology, agoraphobia, etc., to learn more about it, is a very good idea. You have a thirst for knowledge and that is the greatest thing a person can have. Yes, financing may be difficult in your situation, but you could check out some 'distance-learning' schools in the psychology department, and see what they have to offer. I know it's not inexpensive, but if you could get some grants, etc., due to your limited income, it doesn't hurt to try. Also, if you have a Community College in your area, they usually give adult courses at night, for a very minimal fee. I know that mine does have psychology in their curriculum.

I empathize with you completely, re: stressing about going to your local college, because it holds so many unknowns for you, but, if you can gather the strength to make the trip, look upon it as an adventure, as you mentioned. EVERYONE doesn't know everything about every place, so, once you go there the first time, then you'll know where to park and what building to go to, etc., in the future, and you know what? If you don't know, ASK! I'm a big believer in asking. Call up in advance, and ask for specific instructions how to drive onto the campus, where you should park, and exactly where the building you need to go to, is located. Nobody will ever fault you for WILL be a little stressful that first time, but it's like that with any new experience, and once you're home, you'll say to yourself: wow, that was easy, I don't know why I was so nervous! : ) What I've found helpful in situations like this, is to 'project' in your mind's eye, by seeing yourself driving there, having a discussion with the person regarding courses and financing, and then seeing yourself driving home, and looking forward to doing something you enjoy, when you return.

Considering all your disabilities, I think you are doing fantastically, going out, taking care of things you need to do, making phone calls to find out info, like from the college, etc. Think about everything you accomplished today! And taking pride in your appearance is a great 'plus' on your side! The mere fact that you are interested in putting on your makeup, doing your hair, taking care with your clothes, and getting your mani/pedi, just says so much about who you are, and you're a person who cares about yourself and wants to project the best appearance you can, to people who meet you/see you. I applaud you! : )

Re: Ben. I think he's trying his best to continue his life, as usual, but it will never be 'as usual', after what he did to you and his family. I have no doubt that you come into his mind, here and there, and I'm sure he regrets what he did, by no longer having you in his life. BUT, and this is a big BUT, yes, he is suffering and life is not a bed of roses for him, even though he may make it appear otherwise, but, you've come a long way and you can't backtrack and think, 'sentimentally', oh, he's thinking of me, he really misses me. He did something very wrong, and he's going to have to pay for his mistake for the rest of his life, so believe me, you are well rid of him, and he has to live with the problems he brought upon himself, forever. Think of him as a 'mistake', you've learned from the experience and you're moving on. In a way, the TRO was the best thing that could have happened to you, because, even though it was embarrassing and stressful, it's preventing you from contacting him again, in a moment of weakness or anger, and that's a GOOD thing! (Sorry, I hate to sound like XXXXX XXXXX!)

Please don't worry about expressing your feelings and letting me know what's going on; I don't consider it 'too much' and will be here to help you get through.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
You are so right about the TRO. I know me, and I probably would be humiliating myself more than the TRO humiliated me, by doing some rash action out of (I don't like to say anger) more like frustration or just feeling so USED and LIED to, and of course, my favorite it seems, ABANDONED.

I may go back to that, but for the moment, I am more concerned about the Valium than I might have expressed. Or, actually - here is my thought (and fact)...Going right back to paragraph one, I was doing fine. Rarely!!!!! taking them. I mean not even once a month. Like I said, I think before, my goal when I moved back to California in July 2007 was to get very involved with the church. I was even, and yes I would call it forcing, myself to go to dinners where I knew NO ONE in a quest to make the RIGHT friends. Or, as close to RIGHT (being they were Christians). That was not easy, and I think it is a reason I was so vulnerable for Ben, strangely. I remember the dinners, and even just sitting there, while everyone else knew each other. I would try to mingle in as best I could, and sometimes it went OK. Also, I was going to a Depression Support group on Tuesday night (which I am not sure actually for me...most were bi-polar which is very different than Major Depression). You will think I am mean, but I have expressed my love of the show Seinfeld, I think. For me, the group was almost like Seinfeld collecting material for his acts. It is not funny. One thing I did get out of it was my gratitude to God, that my Depression was not the category. The head of the group for one (she is much better now), but there was a time in her life she thought she was Jesus Christ. Another guy was on a six-month "high," got married, travelled up the east coast with the "wife," other things, all to come "down" to looking at the poor woman and it was like, "who are you?" If I feel bad, just think how that woman must have felt? Anyway, then Wednesdays, and this is poignant*, I would go to a Bible Study with about 20 women. That was pretty cool. * Poignant - Ben, AT THE BEGINNNING, once wanted me to SKIP my Bible Study because Wednesday was his bowling night where it was like his furlough night from the prison and warden. I remember, saying, "no" (and, of course, that made him like me more, BACK THEN!). I even "shared" that at the Bible Study, and all the women applauded me. (Right now in the middle of this writing, I am so happy to have you to talk to, thank you, Cher.) Then, on Saturday night, I went to church, and went to the same service on Sunday. I will have to say that I do not miss the dinners. They were not for me. I will have to say my fatigue problem did enter into the routine sometimes, once sleeping in my car after the Wednesday night Bible Study outside the woman's house (too tired to drive the 30 minutes home). And, also, the Agoraphobia was at bay. It was there, but it was manageable. I think a part of it stemmed from the intense walking in May and June 2007 that prepared me (gave me strength) to move back to California. Let's face it, walking five miles caused me to be OUTSIDE for one to two hours. Agoraphobia - outside...

OK - So that was pretty much my life pre-Ben. Then, enter Ben, and it all went away. All that went away and in its place waiting around for him to have time for me, or have me be a priority. I could say I hate him for that. But hate is too strong of a word, and I do not like to use it. I don't like the word angry either especially being under the BIG TRO. But, there are strong emotions. I guess they are betrayal, injustice, deception, being used and lied to, and the broken promise to never abandon me. Maybe it would help me to turn that all around in my mind. I abandoned him. I knew when I called his wife and told her she had a lying cheat for a husband (did I tell you I even told her, "Maybe if you had had sex with him in the past 35 years, all this would not have happened."). It's true. I know him. He is not the type to stray if he is satisfied. I think I know him. Who knows? Anyway, where am I?

Going back to the Valium, even through all the uncomfortable dinners, and getting to know people, I could face it without, I like to call it "assistance" (Valium). Enter Ben, and from that first lunch, to relax I took one, and pretty much took one a day for 18 months.

So, yes, like you say, I am prescribed them, and am using them as such. But, I guess I look at the TRO where he mentions emotional distress because of some communications which were nothing but authored by him and true. Yes, it was my putting the pill down my throat, so I am responsible, but it just galls me that that did not occur DAILY prior to him. I guess I did not want him to see me in my potential meltdown state. Although, he would later. But, initially that led to chonic use.

Roxie had four puppies. They are muts. I love animals, too, but do not agree with anything but fixing your dogs to not propagate. There are just too many animals without homes already. Here I go, but it just crossed my mind to tell them I would pay to have Roxie fixed. This is her second litter in a year. Hence, every time she goes into heat, she gets pregnant. But, NO. It is their responsibility. I have enough issues of my own, to take on the well-being of the familia perros/perra and her offspring. Being an animal lover, too, one can feel torn to "save the world," but, NO.

Want to talk a little about tutoring? Monday after school, Julissa comes home with her lessons for the week. Instantly, she becomes my friend after being snotty for a couple days. Don't they realize how transparent they are? And, on top of it, I think I have relayed I have very keen senses. (I know, well then what was my problem with Ben using me - I knew it, just could not pull myself out of it without the drastic action.) I told Julissa we were going to go down and do her lessons with her mother in attendance. We did, but this made the mother very uncomfortable in her lack of being able to help. But, it is about time, they see what I do for Julissa. Then, Julissa came to my room to do her spelling quiz. I told her to have her mother do it first, then I would do it the second time. With her mother, out of 16 she got 6 wrong which is an F. She came into me, and a part of it was to study the words she spelled wrong, but she dropped down to four wrong. She kept writing exacly. Yes, that is sort of how it sounds, but she kept leaving out the t. So, I told her to think of Tobey (one of her dogs), and Taylor (one of my friends she knows). Now, if she gets them in the correct order, I don't know. She has until Friday to get them write. One thing is they have her speak so much Spanish that she does not get the day to day just by coming across English words knowledge. Anyway, though, I held my own on this, of which none was wrong for me to do. I think they think I am a "bitch" for not just being a pushover, and helping while they watch their soap operas.

I also went to Wal Mart without asking Julissa to go, and came back with no "surprises" for anyone. All me. Believe me, I am the epitome of fair. I do contribute basic household goods on a very frequent basis. I understand paper towels, dish soap, and the like are needed, and I ensure I provide these in accordance with my use.

Cher, they are going to notice a change in me. They are going to buck this parent-attended tutoring behind closed doors to stonewall me into it. They are going to notice I am no longer spoiling Julissa. I think I am realizing my abandonment issue. If I start out with good boundaries, people accept or don't accept those boundaries from the get go. But, I tend to have loose boundaries from the get go, that when I "wise up" and things become just downright fair, the people who have been "spoiled" by using me, suddenly find me acting like a bitch, and throw me away. Ben loved me at the beginning when I was just going along with his agenda. Of course, he was a lot nicer, too. When he became more aloof, I showed emotion which did not fit in his box for me which accepted only the five faves: Charm, wit, fun, cute, and sexy. Had I had boundaries from the get go, who knows. Men are a poor example, especially AT THE BEGINNING...because they actually like it when you are bossy and making them work to, let's face the facts, get in your pants. But, generally, one must establish their boundaries from the onset. Because, a contrast means you have become difficult although it is really that you have become reasonable. Anyway....

Going to try to get a few things done here.

One last thing about the TRO. You know how I was hurt or whatever emotion I felt/feel about his lying about our relationship (I was a friend he saw periodically). That is a lie, and I thought you were not supposed to lie to the court. Though, vague terms, still the reality in front of a reasonable doubt and certainty thinking judge, would compare quite differently than periodic friend. OK here's the deal. These attorneys say don't worry about that. But, just to speculate, what if he had said something like I drew a knife on him, or I was gay (not that there's anything wrong with that - Seinfeld), or I tried to break into his house or something? That is why I don't feel this lying on court papers is something "not to worry about."

Yes - In my heart, I know Ben thinks of me. Most of the time with, "why did she have to go and blow a good thing." He is never to blame as you know. One thing about him, is with the little knowledge I have about Depression, I do feel he may be slightly bi-polar. Or, should I say, just, well, in need of therapy. Any guy whose wife cuts him off in his late 20s, would feel inadequate. That is just one emotion, he has never received any help on. Perhaps if he had, he would not have had to seek out a vulnerable woman. I think it is when he has those few moments he used to think were God's (Buddha's) gift to me that he would spend with me, are now for HIM, there's nothing to do. But, who cares.
Hi again, Mary.

The first time you made reference to Seinfeld, I forgot to mention I am also a HUGE fan, watch all the reruns, and know almost every episode by heart, so please, feel free to 'quote' from there, and I will know exactly what you're talking about (well, of course, do say [Seinfeld], so I'm sure! lol One of the many lines I remember, and love to refer to, is George saying to Jerry, "Don't you want to just get down on your knees every day and thank God you have access to my dementia?!"

I'm so glad you're taking a firmer stand with Julissa and her mother, and I think her mother should learn more English and learn the weekly spelling words ALONG with her daughter. Speaking Spanish in the home is fine, as long as Julissa is getting English practice at school, with friends, and with YOU (which job I know you don't want, but it's a good thing, for THAT purpose). You're a natural born teacher, helping her to remember the 't' in exactly, but giving her a pneumonic device remembering her dog's name and your friend's name, with a 'T'. You can also tell her that 'exactly', is just 'exact' with an -ly attached, so if she remembers 'exact' ends in a 't', no problem. Tell Antonia that she NEEDS to sit with her daughter and help her with homework, because her daughter needs her and also, because she needs to improve her English and be able to communicate more in English.

I'm glad you went to Walmart and only shopped for yourself! Good job! Sticking with the plan! : )

I'm also glad to hear that Roxie and her puppies are doing well. Yes, I agree with you completely and am also an activist re: spaying and neutering. It is just SELFISH to not fix a dog, allow her to be around males, while she's in heat, and get pregnant twice in one year. It's also basic stupidity, but even those la familia is 'clever' for themselves, they do sound like not too intelligent people. Try these sites, for a referral to a low cost or free spay clinic for Roxie, and make THEM pay for it. She's not your dog. (they do dogs, too)

After the puppies are fully weaned (usually around 8-12 weeks), wait about 10 days and then, Roxie can be spayed, but of course, only after a vet evaluation and pre-op blood work.

I think your involvement in the Church activities was great, and you stuck with what you liked and dropped what didn't interest you that much, like the dinners. I don't blame you, I don't think I would have cared for that too much, either, but I do think the Church and the services they provide are a great way for you to meet new people and make new friends. Also, volunteering at Church run charitable events like serving at a soup kitchen for the homeless, etc., is a good idea, if you feel comfortable with it. You can do it on a weekly basis, so it fits in with your 'structured' plan.

I must tell you, that for an agoraphobic, you do get out there, and do a lot, and you've overcome so much! I admire you for that!

Everything you've expressed about Ben is so true, and you have great insight into how he is and how most men think, but I still believe he was not being totally truthful about his wife cutting him off from sex in his twenties. I think this was a lie to get you to feel sorry for him and yes, to get into your pants. I really don't believe for one minute, this 'normal' red blooded American male lived for all those years without sex from his wife. Think about it. It's impossible. Why would a man stay with a wife who was like this? And, why, after everything that happened, is SHE now his best friend--united against YOU? The whole story does not make sense, I've known men who will tell women this, so they will have sex with them (and a relationship--not just a one night stand), and I just think he lied to you from the beginning. You had no idea, of course, and you believed everything he told you, because you had no reason not to. There was nothing wrong with you believing him; there was something wrong with him lying to begin with, that's why you're better off without him.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
His "story" (lie) was that he tried (once again, cry on my shoulder, Ben) for 10 years, then gave up. He said, present day, if should happen to touch her leg by accident in bed, she jerks it away in a huff (more, poor baby). Like you say, make me feel sorry for him, and to rescue him, used me to commit adultery. It is so sick. There ought to be a law, as they say. And, true. Suddenly, they are so united. It seems they would be happy if I would drop dead. Then, there would be no threat of me returning. But, what about the other women he may encounter. He admits he is a flirt. Anyway, not my problem. I can't control people's feelings, but she should be sending me flowers for alerting her to her husband's behavior. But, then again, that is if she has not let him fib his way back to her graces. He is a good liar. I know the truth, and that is that he had a full fledged extra marital affair. If they choose to believe his lies if he is telling him I was just a friend he saw periodically, whatever.

Seinfeld. I know! I have the collections, and have to admit I love them, but know them verbatim. What about Elaine's statement which made no sense but her delivery was so funny, "Maybe the dingo 'atecho' baby." Oh, and I have turned the patting on the head, to mean something different. But, I got the signal from that episode. I use it, and ask people to use it on me, if I am repeating something they have already heard, or if I am losing them with my conversation. Also, the irony of the Newman (Wayne Knight) being in the movie, "JFK" and Kevin Costner using him in his legal proceedings to portray the shots at Kennedy; then Jerry uses him in the exact position to portray "the spitter." So, creative.

Speaking of pat, patting my head - I have told you I have tinnitus on top of everything, right? I mention it right now because it is raging in my head. The Valium helps that, too, so I may give in and take one. I know I am hard on myself about the Valium. And, like my previous entry, a big part is my almost non-use pre-Ben.

I have not done much today. Did bathe. Am working on my room clutter. Have read a couple times just recently on WebMD or something that actual clutter can make you nervous or clutter your mind. I can understand that. Now, my mother on the other hand, is a clutter freak. She considers her clutter her friend, and if that is the case, she has a lot of friends. She feels because of it, she always has something to do (go through her tons of jewelry I think she keeps unmatched just so she can organize it). I am not really criticizing her, because it is her life. And, maybe at 81 with cancer, you have to think in terms of things that you can accomplish around the house. For me, I see where if I got my clutter organized, I think it would help me. Actually, with Ben out of my life, I have had less clutter (in both mind and tangible) because I have not had those horrible afternoon visits that left me feeling even more lonely after he would leave, and I would just go to sleep. Now, I don't have that obnoxious break smack dab in the middle of the afternoon, and though still "nappy" a lot, it is not chronic, like every day. That is a good focus. Looking at it that way. Yesterday I cried really hard, and was having so much trouble doing anything but walking in circles. Partly due to my homelife, too, which I thank you for acknowledging I held my ground. Today, I am not have those same betrayed, abandoned feelings. I have known Ben for 25 years with a big break in the middle. To meet him, of course, you would think he is a great guy. But, I learned he is so selfish (self-admitted, and he interrupts (self-admitted)). Traits that just because you acknowledge you are and do, does not mean you should not work on because first basically narcissistic, and second rude. Anyway, after the 18 months (well actually during) I got the insight to a man people think is quite something (upper manager, yadayadayada). He is mean. He is dishonest. He is a user. He will do anything to get his way. He has no integrity. I will tell you something about government employees. His wife and the head of the Naval activity (3,000 employees) are very good friends with the Fujikawas (Ben). Ben went to the upper echelon of management in large part due to this man's outstanding view of Ben. Perhaps Ben can manage a group of people, but I know these types of individuals will chew up and spit people out if they do nothing but make them (the managers) look good. Anyway, as if you could not already tell, and I give you more credit than that, but government is full of corruption and disingenuous creatures.

Anyway, this has been more of a vent session. As for Roxie I tried to encourage fixing her prior to this litter. It is their dog, and yes, they are not intelligent. I spoke with the mother today while Julissa was at school. I told her that (and a big part of this is the reason) I wanted her in on the lessons because I am not the disciplinarian. Julissa's attitude of a C being fine* was not fine with me. But, I cannot tell her that or she will think I am mean, and in other ways make my life hell. So, with the mother there, and Julissa did say the words were too hard (they aren't - exactly) and she could only pull off a C (a lot of this is attention seeking, too), the mother has the authority to chime in, "that if she gets a C after studying and trying her best, XXXXX XXXXX different. But, to give up on Monday, when the test is on Friday, is not OK." The mother in our discussion seemed to understand my desire for her to be there for this reason.

I want to bash Ben more. It makes me feel better. I still need to hear how much of a liar he is. I still need to hear how sad for him the he does not get to hang around ME anymore. He always made me think that I was so lucky to get to hang around him. In fact, this last comment to me (pat pat) was, "you got your wish, I'm not going to see anyone anymore." In his mind, he thought I was so demanding because I felt bad, for example, a couple months prior to that, I asked him in one of our discussions about my low priority and being used at his convenience, "It sounds like you would be just fine to see me a few hours a month." His answer, "maybe." Now, if you please, allow me to type out a text FROM THE BEGINNING for you. And this is just one of 160+. "g-nite cutie. could I c u again tmrrw round the same time as 2day? Sweet dreams.....:* " (the way of typing a kiss). Can you see where I became somewhat disenchanted in his change of behavior? From his displaying that much adoration AT THE BEGINNING to a couple hours a month. What a fu*$er! And, to the very end he would always say, "my feelings have not changed." Pat pat - but, and I would even say this, that is because the truth was (not the lies) he had no feeings IN THE BEGINNING. Or, IN THE BEGINNING he wanted to f*$ck me, and at the end he still did. Therefore, feelings had not changed. The ones I was talking about (the lies) were apparently changed. Pretty clever, isn't he?
Well, I am not at all surprised at the type of man he is, and the type of job he has. People in those kinds of jobs HAVE to be liars and betrayers, in order to get ahead. If you're a sincere, nice person, you'll never make it, you'll get stepped on. If you're a liar, but put up a good front, and say/do everything they want to see/hear, you're 'golden'.

I'm not saying that at some time during the time you knew him he really cared for you as a person and enjoyed being with you, but ultimately, and unfortunately for women in this situation, it does come down to him wanting to get into your pants and he stays for that. You are blameless for him acting like that. You were part of this relationship and enjoyed the attention, the compliments and how he made you feel--very normal and expected, and he took advantage of it, of this there is no doubt.

I'm glad you feel relieved that you have your afternoons back, uninterrupted! Yes, cleaning out the clutter can be cathartic, but sorting the clutter, and keeping it around to do so, as in your mother's case, can also be cathartic, so as you have figured out, it's something she NEEDS to do, and enjoys it.

I think you did a good job with Julissa and explaining to her mother why she needs to be in on your tutoring sessions. Antonia doesn't sound like the disciplinarian type, but then again, that's why Julissa is spoiled and gets whatever she wants. If only she would take your advice, there's still time to make this young girl into a good student with great study habits, and also make her into a responsible teen. She'll most likely bamboozle a rich guy with her 'wiles' and end up not wanting for anything in her life. BUT, she'll still be a 'C' student and won't care, as long as she keeps getting whatever she asks for, you know what I mean? If her parents don't expect anything more than a 'C', she feels, 'why bother', when I could be doing something more enjoyable?

Don't stress over the valium. If it helps and you need it, it's okay to take it. If you can not take it for a few days, great, but if you need it, you need it. As long as you're aware of how it makes you feel, what you can and can't do while you're taking it, etc., it's fine. Do you find that it makes you sleepy?

Re: Seinfeld, YES, one of my favorite scenes is that one with Elaine at the party, when she says, 'Maybe the dingo ate your baby' in the Australian accent!! But, what's so brilliant about it, is the look on her face, afterwards; she's SO pleased with herself! lol She had a similar look on her face, when she threw George's toupee out the window! The patting of the head is also hysterical. I can't believe you really use that; it's a great idea! : ) He and Larry David created/wrote most of the episodes. Have you also watched 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' with Larry David? Brilliant!

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi, Cher! You have that straight about the "buddy system" in government (and probably other place which is not good - but when we are talking taxpayer money paying these people, it puts a little more salt in the wound). I was a perfect misfit (oxymoron?) when I actually worked for the Navy. Similar to the movie, "Silkwood," if you saw it. My life became similar to hers (at the job). Maybe, I will go into that another time. But, yes, they are all one big buddy system. And, what really freaks me out is that the Naval Activity I worked at is just one small entity of it all, and there was millions in corruption, right there. I really do not know how America survives with the waste.

Curb Your Enthusiasm, of course! Pretty good...pretty, pretty good. The ironies there, too. Larry quits Seinfeld because he just basically had enough, then goes on to do even more, star, write, direct, produce all that his own show. I love Larry David's character/or him if that is him. He is brutally honest or brutally dishonest if he has to be. One scene that comes to mind is when he invited the sex offender to the Seder and Cheryl opposes. As a Jew, he yells to her, "What would Jesus do?" Or, when he tries to hide from Krazee Eyes, and he is running on the bubble wrap making a bunch of noise.

Anyway, I woke up super early today. I did go down yesterday in the afternoon, for the night. Still not sure if I am going to just accept the way I am (like the vet said about my dog), or keep trying to fight that. Maybe as you get to know me better, we may ponder together that maybe my reclusiveness and agoraphobia stems from having a difficult life (relatively - there are millions way worse off than me, I know). I do know and feel there is a part of me that feels like if I just stay home or better/worse yet sit on my bed watching a video, I am not prone to any bad. I can perhaps live with that because although everyone says, "you'll find a nice guy," personally I don't believe it. I don't think there are any. Anyway, the thing I must do if I want to be a recluse is to still exercise!

Speaking of no nice guys...I did have a sit down with this guy I kind of know a little. Met him in the grocery store line a long time ago. I have seen him a few times. He is a very religious person, but I have come to feel like he is afraid of hell, over being excited about heaven which makes him a Holy roller. I sound judgmental, I know. He also likes to fight? I mean, if he is in an altercation, he doesn't mind punching someone's lights out. And, the last time I saw him, (I know I am picking out his negatives...but I guess my radar is strong at the moment) I mentioned the movie, "Milk," and he got real weirded out because of the homosexual nature of it. I look at that movie more about prejudice, not "fags." Anyway.

I don't mean to contradict because maybe you are right about Ben caring about me at the beginning. But, I doubt it. He is selfish and crafty. He cared about himself, and you are right about him wanting to be with me THEN, so his caring so much about himself and wanting to be with me, appeared like he cared for me. I loved it yesterday when you pointed out how IN THE BEGINNING he was P E T V I (phone, e-mail, text, voice, instant msging) me all the time, and wanting me to do the same - and IN THE END he does a TRO (which becomes an RO on Friday) legally preventing P E T V I. Very ironic, but just one for the books which I am sure has happened before. I think I have told you one outlet is DVDs for the lonely girl in her rented little room (me). This weekend I bought Woody Allen's, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." It was a pretty good movie, but Penelope Cruz's character with Javier Barham (he was such a bad ass (sorry) in No Country For Old Men) tries to stab him, then they divorce, and she comes back to live with him and his new girlfriend, and argues loudly with him and her, goes through the girlfriend's luggage, then with another new girlfriend, she tries to shoot them, and ultimately the gun does go off, and shoots the new girlfriend in the hand (all if you have not seen that). In my world, baby Ben is scared of some text messages (he wrote). Penelope is a fictitious character, but there are women and men out there with those same tactics. So, I think baby Ben and his cushy family will be just fine, unless he takes up with a Penelope.

This got out of order (paragraphically)????

Hi Mary,

I think you have already accepted who you are, and being very introspective is a good thing, but to a point. You are very good at psychoanalyzing yourself, and that's not a bad thing, because you can identify the things you would like to change or improve, but don't beat yourself up for the things you're already doing. If you felt you needed the sleep, you slept from the afternoon, through the night, and were up early, so you can get more things accomplished today! Yes, it would feel more comfortable and secure to sit in your room all day watching dvd's, and some days, you will (can) allow yourself to do that; nothing wrong with it; other days, you're up and at 'em, going shopping, doing errands, taking care of things that have to be done. As far as exercise, yes, that's very important, and you can do that at home, if you don't feel like or can't, walk, a few times a week. You can exercise with a workout on dvd or video, and you can use things from around the house; instead of hand weights, for example, you can use full bottles of water (the small ones you take with you when you go out--if you do; I do, all the time) and do limited exercise, increasing your time each day. You can also walk around the house or just outside the house, up and down the block, if you don't want to go for a long walk. Does the familia have a treadmill or any exercise equipment? If not, it's pretty expensive to buy, and would have to fit into your room, but you really don't need it if you can 'improvise' with other things.

I haven't yet seen Vicky Cristina Bacelona, so thanks for the synopsis; I don't mind knowing the plot, before I see the movie and I love Woody Allen. Yes, Ben and his cushy family will be fine, unless he takes up with a Penelope! lol I forgot the TRO turns into an RO at some point. No big difference; you're not contacting him in any case. Just a change in the legal term, that's all it is.

As far as going out or staying in every day, why don't you make a schedule for yourself of things you have to buy or take care of, and spread them out over a few days. For example, if you know you need certain things from Walmart, go on one day to buy 2 things, then plan on going back the next day, or day after, for 2 more things. If they're not things you need in an emergency, they can wait, and then, you will have a 'goal' for more than one day, to go shopping and to go out. If you keep up with your mani/pedi, that can be a weekly or bi monthly thing, with the mani. Do you get a regular manicure, or do you have acrylics? I know acrylics need to be maintained every 2 weeks. Also, even though we've discussed that it's really an imposition (for no pay) on your part, to tutor Julissa, it may be a good part of your schedule, especially on Wed. and /or Thurs. afternoon, to test her for her Friday spelling test and try to drum those words into her so she can do better than a 'C'. She'll feel accomplished, and YOU'LL know that you helped!

Yes, Curb Your Enthusiasm--so great. "pretty, pretty, pretty good..." I've incorporated that into my normal vocabulary! lol You KNOW he was the voice of Steinbrenner on Seinfeld, when George worked for the Yankees, right? He was also the 'man in the cape', George saw his father waking with in the street. And another favorite: 'Flaming globes of Zigmond' with guest star Steven Tobolowsky (whom I just love) as the 'healer', Tor, when George turns purple from his tea...good stuff!!

I hope your day is good, Mary, and I'll speak to you later.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>You sure are a Seinfeld expert. I was just talking to Julissa who I have sort of Americanized by showing her some Seinfeld. We were talking about the one where Kramer gets a cough and goes to the vet, and then Jerry tries to take him to a real doctor and Kramer acts just like a dog.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, I am having a hard day. Obviously, my days have been pretty good lately.</p><p> </p><p>Well, sort of.</p><p> </p><p>My disappointment in Ben transferred in large part to my disappointment in my so-called lawyer. HE is causing me emotional distress! Did I tell you that Ben's daughter, Allison, sent me an e-mail (very cleverly by using her rescue mission of which she is THE PRESIDENT). I did not even open it, but told me so-called lawyer, and he came back wth "so what!" Literally. I was in Minnesota, and supposed to meet my sister for coffee, and I became so nauseated that I had to cancel. I see my sister maybe six times a year. Anyway, my lawyer has called me obsessing, a vindictive troublemaker, Mary baby, Love ya kid, not letting go, not moving on......and seems to protect them. It freaks me out really! I am feeling pretty lame these days, but feel I need to talk to someone about HIM. Did he adequately represent me? Was he getting a kickback (he is pro bono for me) from the other side? I know that is a strong allegation, but remember my undertones. Plus, he said he talked to the daughter, Allison, and he THINKS she will not e-mail me anymore. THINKS? I was so emotionally distressed over it while in Minnesota on Friday, that I had to see another doctor for some headache medicine because my head was throbbing. My lawyer knows all this, and treats me so poorly while he coddles them. That is why I suspect a kickback.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, I really want to have more energy, and I am all talk and no action. </p><p> </p><p>Today, I am a little sad about Ben, or it is more mad, or some emotion because I had my first dream about him since the break up. I am tortured by nightmares about a trilogy of three things already (bad things that have happened in real life reoccur on a rotation or in phases). I was going to a therapist for them, and he was helping the nightmares through a unique method. The only thing is I think I mentioned this is he would not let me vent about Ben, and I feel if he had I could have just gracefully walked away. That is what I wanted to do, but did not have the strength and pat pat felt I was never going to get away unless his wife found out. </p><p> </p><p>I am somewhat erratic in my paragraphing here. I am still really glad to be out of the relationship or whatever it was. I think I am more leary that the dreams/nightmares may start happening. What can ya do?</p><p> </p><p>I need and do remember all the cruel things and ways he treated me (at his convenience....and, even would say mean things). Yes, he was a creepy person. Pat pat - He took out all that fear he had of everyone else on me. I was the one person he could beat up. And, he never missed an opportunity. In madness of the Instant Messages! The, "I don't know" Cosby kids answer to my questions.</p><p> </p><p>We are such funny creatures. When I was in Minnesota, the girl I stay with has been very matter of fact about Ben and I, and I know not to wear out my welcome, so I keep my comments about him or anything negative to a bare minimum. She even said she was going to put a list of house rules on the door with one of them being no negative talk. I said fine. Anyway, she went out Friday night with a guy, and she drinks. It got to be the wee hours, and something erupted, and she ended up she says, with him throwing her stuff in the street and leaving with no way home. She made it in a cab, and came in at about 4-5 a.m. Well, I could tell she was upset, so I got up to talk to her. FOR THREE <strong>NEGATIVE </strong>HOURS. Typical fight between two drunk people, but she had to repeat it a few times, and analyze his behavior, and oh, it even got to the point one time, she called him and begged him to take her back. I was so, "NO!!!!" but could not catch her in time. Anyway, why am I telling you this? Because when things were good for her, she was with me like my problems were no big deal and did not deserve discussion, etc. But, boy oh boy, when things got sticky for her, she went on and on and on. Karma Kramer? I even told her she should write to you.</p><p> </p><p>Other news is my landlady is a little snippy with me today because she was talking money again and as usual and always, and I told her that I wanted to be private about the matter. She took this as an insult seemingly that I would be so "bitchy." There is just a tone, you know?</p><p> </p><p>I helped Julissa a lot yesterday morning. She had tried herself first, then I found a bunch of mistakes (she had quite a bit correct to be on the positive side) that I taught her. Seems her mother is helping her a little more, too. Maybe recognizing the advantage she was taking of me, but I can't be that lucky. Me? Can't be.</p><p> </p><p>Mostly, I am frustrated wtih myself about not exercising, and sleeping too much.</p><p> </p><p>I also do not have anyone to talk to. I feel especially lonely today. I feel lonely all the time, but it is hitting me harder today. Talking ot you is helping. In the midst of the I called my dentist to make an appointment for a cleaning. That is how catatonic I get. I cannot even talk on the phone.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, I just feel like I am so surrounded by negative. In the mail, I received the most bizarro world pictures from my former step mother. They are of my father, her, and her kids taken after his kids (me) had been moved out. I have the abandonment issue pretty much etched and reminded of naturally without her sending me photos as such. It is so strange her sending them, that I don't even want to contemplate why she did. But, it is just negative being poured on me.</p><p> </p><p>Then, and this cannot be helped, but my dog back in Minnesota is sick. He is almost 15, so when I say sick, he is probably going to pass on pretty soon here. Renee, his new mom, called to let me know, and I will visit him the week of May 18.</p><p> </p><p>Then, there is what we all or most of us feel. The economy. For the first time since I have been on workers' comp (10 years), there was no cost of living increase. They say there has been no CPI increase. OK. Seems things cost more, but OK. Could it be they are shaving a bit off the little man to pay another pocket? I don't know.</p><p> </p><p>I am trying to feel more of a connection with God. Shedding myself of an adulterous relationship most certainly cleanses me. I need to get a Bible. I left mine at my mother's, and well, we know the story there.</p><p> </p><p>What am I asking of you today after all that? What is it that I am feeling or not feeling? Stagnation comes to mind.</p><p> </p><p>I will take my bath. Maybe I will find some inspiration there. I think I just needed to talk to someone. Will you talk back to me? That came out weird. Do you like the Seinfeld where Kramer has such tight jeans on he walks like Frankenstein?</p>
Hi Mary,

It's good to hear from you. I just wanted you to know that I'm here, and am currently reading your post, so as soon as I'm finished, I'll send you a response.

Hi again, Mary.

This is ESP; I was just thinking, yesterday: "I haven't heard from Mary recently, I wonder how she's doing"!

Re: your lawyer, I don't like at all how he spoke to you, but yes, he's supposed to be on YOUR side, exclusively, and I really don't think he's taking any kickbacks from them, but there would be nothing wrong with you saying, you know, you're supposed to be on MY side, so why am I not 'feeling' that? OK, even though you're not paying him, he still needs to do his best for you to protect you. At the same time, he IS pro bono, and probably just doesn't want to hear your 'woes', because he doesn't have the time, but from what you related, I don't like his attitude. A woman lawyer would most likely be more sympathetic, but then again, many women lawyers are 'sharks' and also don't have time for the 'emotional' stuff. As long as he takes care of the legal stuff for you, that's all that matters. He's not going to be your 'friend' and he really doesn't want to hear all the details and what you perceive to be unfairness (which of course you are completely correct about) re: your Ben situation, the TRO, and things you feel HE or his family did, which are not being addressed. Unfortunately, it's a losing battle, so don't even try to discuss it with the lawyer again, unless you remember something really unusual or important that will definitely impact the situation in your favor.

Now, what you told me re: your friend who's boyfriend kicked her out, in Minnesota, did this just happen? Did you just go there, this past weekend, or were you relating a story of what happened last time you were there? I know what you mean, re: no negative talk when it's about YOUR situation, but she was allowed to do it, after things turned out badly for HER. Human nature, what can ya do?

I'm glad you're persisting with Julissa; it seems she's definitely benefiting, and so is her mother, taking a more active role. I don't know why she's bringing up finances with you; you're so right, it's none of her business and you've been too 'open' with them in the past. Your finances are none of their business, and you've certainly made things easier for them, many times. Don't let them talk you into any more loans, and just pay your rent on time. You're not their personal bank. Look at everything else you do for them, without pay!

I'm sorry to hear your dog in MN is sick. Yes, he's quite elderly, and I'm sure he's lived a good life. I'm glad you'll be going to see him, in a couple of weeks. How are the new puppies doing? Are you enjoying them?

You don't have to feel so alone; I know sometimes feeling lonely is unavoidable, but in a way, it's good that you don't live alone, and you always have me to talk to. A desire to take more interest in religion and get a bible, etc., is a good thing, if it will help you feel more calm. Why don't you join a bible study group at your church? You are the type of person that always thirsts for knowledge, so that might be a good idea for you, if you find a group you like.

Your step-mother sending you those pics, out of the blue, is very weird. I can't understand why she did it, either; why don't you ask her, or if you would rather not, just forget about it.

I hope your bath was cleansing and relaxing, and it helped you feel better. Try your best to stick with your routine, and accomplish at least 3 things each day. Don't feel guilty about the lack of energy or sleeping, if you need it. Just don't let it dominate your days. If you need a nap, take it, but also make sure to do some things you feel 'accomplished' about, on that day, so you can say to yourself, I did 'THIS' today. However, if you feel you can't accomplish much on one day, don't beat yourself up about it. You're entitled to have 'nothing' days, here and there. It seems that you have bursts of energy and get a lot done at one time, and that's a GOOD thing, so don't take away from that, on days when you don't feel like doing much of anything. Just try to make each day more 'even' regarding doing something you need to or want to accomplish, and giving yourself some relaxing (Seinfeld?) time. Yes, I remember the one with Kramer and the tight leather pants; hysterical!! The one with Kramer and Mickey, where Mickey is getting married, and the 'anti-dentite' business (Tim Watley--the dentist who converts to Judaism for the jokes--that's Bryan Cranston, the father from Malcolm in the Middle, you know), was just on last week! : )

Let me know how your day is going, after your bath, okay?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>I am not feeling good today. Usually when I get up, it is the best I feel, but today I just want to go back to bed. </p><p> </p><p>I think a part of it is still the haunting of if I was properly represented by that horrible lawyer. Hind sight is 20/20. Looking over it all....I feel the restraining order was a tool to humiliate me and show how powerful they are because they have money, perhaps just as much as the further release of the proof I have of the AFFAIR would make the wife more MAD. My, I cannot even call him a lawyer, said I should delete the e-mail I got from the daughter. Why did they not delete the incoming communications from me prior to listening to them which they say lead to emotional distress? My gut feel, is that they were reveling in my communications to make a case. My lawyer, I hate to even call him that, so freely told me to let it go and delete e-mail...why did not they just simply see something was from me, and delete it without being emotionally distressed? It is really bugging me.</p><p> </p><p>I am also so frustrated with the, "there's nothing we can do about it." I watch CNN and listen to talk radio, and they all relay these really out of control situations by government and so on, but nobody ever says what anybody can do about except, I guess, "suck it up."</p><p> </p><p>I am just overall feeling weepy. I feel like such a victim. There I said it. I know there are all those books, that SCREAM, "don't be a victim." But, when it can not be denied, isn't it kind of ridiculous to say I am not a victim?</p><p> </p><p>I have lost so much.</p><p> </p><p>I did talk to my mother the other day. She wants to "get along," but stipulates she doesn't want to talk about the past (my abandonment). Right there, she is again stonewalling an action on her part when I was a small child that has followed me for 40 years.</p><p> </p><p>Would you please provide me with the link to change my account used to Accept? It is that time of month again.</p>
Hi Mary,

Please forgive my delay in responding; I've had tremendous computer problems, that are now 'partially' fixed, so at least I can reply to you.

I completely understand your feeling of 'miscarriage of justice' with the whole situation, and feeling like a victim. You basically were made a victim, and the whole thing is terribly unfair. I would not delete anything, as the lawyer suggested; I think that recommendation was made, as an 'aid' to help you 'get over' the whole thing and put it behind you. It's also most likely that whatever was said in those emails will never be used, admitted into evidence, whatever, if this were to be taken further, that's probably why the lawyer told you to delete them. I'd keep them for the meantime, as I mentioned.

I'm glad you spoke to your mother, recently, and she probably made that statement re: not talking about your past, because she feels it's just hitting a stone wall in your communication with her. Personally, I think you're right, and you have every right to ask her to talk about it, to help you get over some hurdles in your life, now, caused by those actions, early in your life. BUT, I think she made that a 'condition' of your talking, because she has nothing to say about it, at this time and doesn't want to open that can of worms, which will lead to her being the bad mother. While you are absolutely right, in wanting to talk this out, further, she doesn't want to revisit it and admit she was the wrong one.

If you want to make any changes on your account, send an email [email protected] and they'll tell you how to do it. I know you have to access your account/profile online and click 'details', but I'm not quite sure. I'll try to find out from a Moderator, and get back to you.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, and hope since you wrote, you're feeling a little better. Don't dwell on those issues that are making you feel sad and weepy; force yourself to do chores, errands, etc., and think about happier things. Distract yourself with other activities that will either take you out of the house, or even [gasp] do some schoolwork with Julissa! : )

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>Ben told me right before the end, "isn't my coming over for the little bit I do better than nothing?" He could see I was a loser, and maybe he is right.</p><p> </p><p>People don't like me for me. They only like me for what they can get out of me. It runs rampant in this house I live in. I have fronted rent four times to the tune of six months at one time. But, it is never enough. No more. Nothing.</p><p> </p><p>I am just going to accept that I am a loner. It is very difficult, because I wish I had friends. I just cannot let my health get bad from too much laying around. I have to exercise.</p>
Hi Mary,

You are NOT a loser and you are not a loner. From the things you've told me, you are very personable, you do things you have to do, you take care of yourself and you help others who need your help. Does that sound like the description of a loser or a loner? Not to me! Stop being so down on yourself; give yourself a break. You have so much to offer, and this unfortunate Ben incident, I think, you KNEW would not have an ending you'd like, but you knew it would end, sooner than later. When he asked you "isn't my coming over for the little bit I do better than nothing?" your answer should have been: 'no'. It was like he was doing you a favor? No, that's not what a relationship is, and he brought everything he did, down around his ears, when he started changing his attitude toward you and trying to make you think HE was the greatest thing since sliced bread. You shouldn't have been happy you got to see him 'a little', when you had been seeing him a lot. HE made that change, and expected you to be happy about it? No, that's not how it works. Ok, let's not forget he was married, but he chose to have a relationship with you and as is typical with many relationships (with single or married men), at the beginning, everything is great, but then circumstances change and everything is not so great and he deals you the ultimate hand....of hurt! Sorry I had to use some 'rough' words there, but you need to know what a good person you are and you need to start using that restored faith in yourself, to your advantage. So, stop with the negative thinking, okay? : )

If you feel/know you're being too inactive, by all means, do some exercise, but as I mentioned, start slowly. Even if you just walk around the block, it's walking.

Yes, the people you live with have taken extreme advantage of you, and I'm glad you have decided to put an end to that. Pay your rent on time, and it's not your obligation or concern to pay for something that has to be repaired in the house, or something else they say they need the money for. The sound sort of devious, the way they've finagled money out of you in the past, and look how good you've been to them and their daughter! You have a heart of gold, and they found it, and are trying to take advantage of your generous nature. You're a 'giver', and you always will be, but you must remember not to 'give' to the point that it is at the expense of your health or happiness. Try to make small changes in the way you've done things, and I think you'll feel better about that.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
There are a lot of times when I had that classic perfect thing to say after the fact. And, yes, I should have said "no" when he said that.

Here is a little story to "rehash," but comes to mind right now, that I should be putting out of my mind, but anyway.

In mid-December, I went back to Minnesota and stayed for 10 days. One of the days I rented a car (I have no car back there). I took advantage of having a car and saw a few high school buddies, and my sister who I had not seen in ages which lead to the best time I had had in ages. I experienced the basic emotion of "happiness" that day. Later, I was on the Instant Message with Ben. Ben always (now realizing he did not give a frog's fat butt) seemed to care about my happiness, so I relayed what I had done. I told him I knew it was a splurge, but it really was worth it. I am not going to say he may have had a point, because that would be him instilling in me that I am not worthy, but here is what he said. "Well, maybe you can check into Rent a Wreck or Ugly Duckling for better rates." When I saw that, I pulled out my Internet connection, and did not P E T V I C with him AT ALL for a week. Unfortunately, my mother kicked me out of her house, and I was at the airport scampering for a flight, and my cell range. It was Ben. I thought, "How much worse can things get?" So (insert bad word here - I am trying not to swear), I answered it. He had no idea what had happened to me, and when I told him about the reference to me being worth Ugly Duckling, he was very surprised. Cher, Cher, Cher, Cher.....I wish to God I had not answered that call, because I really was never going to P E T V I C him again when I disconnected my Internet abruptly the week earlier. Plus, I wish to God that I had stuck to what I told him when I did answer. I was (p---ssd), and told him that he might think I am so lucky to get to hang around him, but "ya know what fella, YOU DON'T GET TO HANG AROUND ME ANYMORE."   God (another word I do not use in vain, and one of the only things about Seinfeld that makes me cringe is their use), if only I had left him with that statement.

But, speaking of God, every word uttered since September 2007 until even this writing is from God. So, it was all meant to be. Would have been cool, though, but not in The Plan.

Yes, I am feeling very negative today. I need a Life Coach I realize. You are my life coach, but you cannot help me get to the college as I believe you are 3,000 miles away.

I have a girl that does my make-up when I need a lift (which is often) who I am discussing it with. Of course, she being sort of a friend, says I do not have to pay her, but I feel if it were more business-like, it would be more effective. Of course, we would still develop our friendship, but there are these certain things, like the college, that I am not getting to, and feel I need a motivator.

I know I should not ask this because apathy is the ultimate emotion, right now, but considering among the other P E T V I C I used to inform his wife of his bad boyishness, what do you think is happening? Hillary Clinton seemed to just let it slide, but that is probably a huge political move. Do you think Hillary really lets him have it behind closed doors? Do you think Ben is lying and tap dancing around every P E T V I C? Do you see him gravelling? I know I am not supposed to care. Maybe I should ask you with 143 successful relationship questions answered, if any are similar, can you pull any data out of them?

Oh - it is that time of the month again. I do not get paid until Friday, so pardon my non-acceptance. I will not forget you come Friday!
Hi Mary,

Re: your IM conversation with Ben from MN, after telling him that you had already rented the car and had such a wonderfully happy day, I can't understand why he said that to you, unless you said something negative about the cost of the rental. Yes, you're allowed to splurge, and it was all worth it. But, what he didn't hear (recognize) in your end of the conversation, was that you were HAPPY! That was a pretty dumb and uncaring thing for him to say, after the fact.

Re: Hilary, I've often wondered about that myself, and personally, I give her so much credit for keeping her dignity, NOT discussing anything about it, in public, and moving forward with her political career, which paid off, even though she didn't become president, but she has a high position in the Obama cabinet. I think, behind closed doors (at least at first, and maybe, still, to this day), she does give him a 'whatfor' and will never let him forget it. It was the ultimate humiliation for her (and him), in their highest public position. I think she got so many supporters, due to her excellent handling of the situation and never discussing it in public. Maybe I'm 'projecting'...if I were her, I wouldn't give him the time of day, but, due to them living (and continuing to live) in a 'fishbowl'-type environment, in the public eye, she has to maintain a good front, and maybe by now, she forgave him.

As far as Ben's wife, I think the situation is similar; she needed to put up a 'united' front re: the lawyer, TRO, etc., in public, but we won't ever know how she treats him in private. Also, remember, if they are Asian, (I assume she is, as well?) it's a cultural thing. And he definitely lost 'face' and honor in her eyes. She must've been mad as heck, as well. But, if it comes to showing her anger at him in front of anyone else (outside of the family), no, SHE'S saving face and keeping it quiet. I think he definitely deserves to be treated like dirt, by her. He was caught cheating, for pete's sake! Wouldn't any wife be so angry/hurt, etc., finding out her husband accomplished this ultimate humiliation regarding her? And, as I said previously, there's no way he didn't have sex for 30 years, but I'll tell ya what--there's NO way he's having sex with his wife, now! And THAT'S your ultimate revenge or, if you want to think about it this way, if you don't like the sound of 'revenge', he's not getting any, and now it's not a lie! He deserves whatever he gets, for what he's done to you and what he's done to his wife. If you believe everything is in God's hands and in the Grand Plan....believe me, he's being taken care of and he's not too happy right now. Yes, I do think he's lying and grovelling, if she's aware of all the communications (or even a few of them).

I have to say re: the other questions I've answered, yours isn't the only one regarding an affair with a married man, etc., but your situation IS unique, so there's really nothing to compare it with.

I think it's nice that you have your makeup girl to chat with, and if you feel you don't want to go to the college on your own, to enroll, or even just get information, ask her to go with you. Believe me, if I wasn't 3000 miles away, I definitely would go with you, but what about investigating the online courses, if you feel you're not ready to go in person? It's a start. Didn't you tell me you already spoke to someone on the phone about a program?

I'm happy to be your life coach and help you as much as I can, so, don't worry about the accepts. I know you're on a schedule with your payments, and you've been very generous, which is appreciated.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>Hi, Cher!</p><p> </p><p>Yes, tomorrow Alma (my make-up/working on being a police officer - interesting combination, but I like interesting people) and I are going to have coffee, maybe do my make-up, then go to the college to check out on-line courses and financial aid. I am going to do as much web research on it today. Yes, I did call about a month ago, and they basically said to come in. I have found being disabled for 10 years, there are still things that you have to go out for. Even the most non-ambulatory people sometimes have to go out. House calls are kind of a thing of the past, but I wish that would change back. So, I am excited about this plan with Alma. She thinks it is "silly" (she did not say it in a derogatory fashion) that I want to pay her for her time as a Life Coach, and it is kind of different. But, without some help like her, I feel myself sinking. Hopefully, we will develop a good friendship, but friends can also have a business part of the relationship, I feel. I do not know. Maybe, I am just so used to always having to compensate. I am not going to think about it too much.</p><p> </p><p>Ben. It sounds so mean, but it helps me to think of bad things he is going through. That is entirely wrong. But, when I get well, I will wish him well. I don't want to mess with karma very much. BotXXXXX XXXXXne, he started the whole thing, and I encouraged him when everyone's emotions were in check to seek a better relationship with his wife. So, as far as cultural, what got into him?</p><p> </p><p>And, ya know that lawyer? I decided this morning that a lawyer will tell you to "move on" or "let it go" as mine did, well, partly because it is good advice, but everybody knows it is not always just that simple. I never tell people that. I also do not ask, "How are you?" in that trite way. So, I feel a large part of that "advice" from a pro bono lawyer is actually him saying, "I don't want to support you any farther than the minimum required." Remember, my W W W W W H about finding a "new man?" (The people saying, "you'll find a nice guy.") I think people who tritely (word?) say, "move on, or let it go" should add W W W W W H, and if they say by finding a nice guy they need to W W W W W H, too.</p><p> </p><p>I am pretty good about Ben today, and most days. I do feel like his money and contacts bought him that RO, which gets me, but I guess I just can't help but wonder what he is thinking. You speculated some, and that was fun! Can I be weird? Do you think he thinks about me? I feel if he does, he tries to convince himself he is pissed (pardon), and he is the type who probably succeeds at the mind over matter. But, I wonder if he has weak moments. What do you think? I know I am being weird, and you probably want to tell me to stop's not important. I guess I just wonder. Not obsessively, but crosses my mind.</p><p> </p><p>You are on the East Coast, huh? I have travelled some of it. Florida, Virginia, Maryland, Washington, D.C. Can you tell me your general area, or is that not allowed. I understand if you are not supposed to.</p><p> </p><p>Can't wait to get paid. Sorry to talk finances, but want to keep you abreast of my account with you.</p><p> </p><p>Did I tell you I am starting to embrace my dreams/nightmares instead of being upset about them because I am always with people in them? I am not lonely. Even if they are of a horrible situation, I may be experiencing difficult emotions, but it tells me in its cosmic way, that loneliness is really low on the list. Even lower than a hostile work environment. But, that is created in a dream. Looking back on the real life hostile work environment, I would have to say that loneliness and that are pretty close to terrible emotions. Anyway, pretty heady there.</p>
Hi Mary,

I'm so glad to hear that you and Alma are going to get together tomorrow and go to the college; that's a very good start. You'll be accomplishing something you've wanted to, for a while, and you won't be going alone, plus you'll have coffee, have your makeup done, so it will be a very fulfilling day for you! Let me know how it goes, okay?

I do think Ben thinks of you, sometimes, and I think he remembers the good times as well as the not so good (at the end), but don't even give any thought to if he thinks of you. It's so irrelevant to your life, right now, and you're definitely moving on, so that's what's best for YOU.

If you feel that Alma felt uncomfortable when you offered to pay her, why don't you buy her a gift, instead? A thoughtful gift is always appreciated, and she'll know it's from your heart.

I'm near the Fort Lauderdale area, in South Florida. I'm a native NY-er, but as most NY-ers, I didn't come her to retire, but have lived here for 21 years. I like it, except for the extreme heat and humidity, and of course, hurricane season, which goes from June through November, fast approaching. Have you only lived in CA and MN? Remind me why you moved to CA?

I'm glad that you're always with people, and not feeling lonely, in your dreams. Your dreams are a reflection of what's going on in your subconscious, so you know you have friends and people that care about you! : )

I agree, re: what your lawyer said and the reason he said it. He's pro bono, he took care of the 'bare bones' of your case, legally, and he's not getting paid (by whomever) to listen to your emotional side of everything, that's why he encouraged you to 'just move on'. It's just a lawyer's way, especially one you're NOT paying. I have a few friends who are divorced, and could afford to hire good lawyers....THOSE lawyers will listen to your complaints and emotional renditions of how much he hurt you and how he cheated on you, etc., etc., for the most part, but it's incorporated in their fee. So, you're absolutely right; he said those things to you, because he can't be bothered listening to anything 'not legal'. He wasn't your friend, he was your lawyer. Maybe a more sympathetic person would have had kinder and more soothing words for you, but most lawyers just don't have the time. They do their job, and that's it. But, you must admit, telling you to move on was a good thing. I still don't believe telling you to delete the emails, etc., was good, but, it was his way of saying, get rid of everything that will remind you of him, so in a way, THAT was a good intention.

Let me know how it goes tomorrow, okay?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Today is Saturday, and I have not talked to a single person all day.

So, I was trying to sleep, because as weird as it may seem, I think I told you this, I am starting to enjoy my dreams/nightmares while I used to dread them, anyway, I enjoy them now because I am never alone in them. Even if they are "tormenting," at the time, I am not alone. In my conscious state, I do not like them, plus I am now awake and no one to talk to.

Yesterday was good, but I do feel it is weird that I have to pay someone to be my friend. That is embarassing.

I have always noticed that bad karma seems to come to people that are not just with me. But, right now, I feel I have the worst karma of all. Loneliness is close to madness. You are just so trapped in your thoughts.

The family I live with has realized I am downsizing on the "Bank of Mary." So, they find me not worth talking to because there is nothing in it for them. Except for the tutoring. She seems to come around for that, or if she needs something. You can just feel the vibe. And, I know it stems from my reduction of spoiling everyone.

Anyway, do you have any ideas about this loneliness? And, I have to add that we have to take into account the f'in Agoraphobia and fatigue. It is 7:00 p.m., and sure I would like to stop crying, put on make up and a cute outfit, and if nothing else, go have a cup of coffee and read a book at Barnes & Noble (open until 11).

Thoughts of Ben have crossed my mind at times. I was doing a little reading, and there was a section on anger. It said that anger is not an emotion to feel is wrong. There were four main reasons for anger, and the one that clicked was "Injustice or unfairness - situations where you believe you have been treated unfairly." I am all over the place, but that is one of my biggies, even when I was with him. I will never like the feeling of being "tricked" with the typical "guy lines." Although I have no friends now, I have had friends and know of girls who are comfortable with being picked up (for sex) at a bar. That has never been for me, and never will be for me. I thought AT THE BEGINNING that Ben respected me more than a 25-year-old one-night stand guy at a club. But in retrospect, his come-on was the same. "You're so pretty." "You have such a nice body." "I love being with you." "Can I see you again tomorrow?" (OK, the latter is usually not presented in the clubs. Usually, it is something like, "Are you a model?" The part that makes me different, is like I said, I have never been a "let's jump in the sack" real soon! type of girl. PLUS, I told Ben from the f'in BEGINNING the those three major points that I feel he is criminal in taking advantage of person with a disability. Those three things were: "I need to keep my emotions in check. So..."Don't Toy With me....Because, "I am very fragile." I now know these went completely over his head. I might as well have been talking to a brick wall because all that was on his agenda was to get in my pants. BotXXXXX XXXXXne. If those girls that like that are not mentally ill, and go to bars for it, I still feel sorry for them, but I do not feel they are being as taken advantage of (although, I think they give the guys a pretty good time easily). Ben did not heed my pleas to treat me gently. He knew my condition. He knew I had just pulled myself out of bed for two years. How could he be so selfish. And, then as the time went on, he retracted things he said AT THE BEGINNING. He took out every frustration he had with everyone else he trated like gold, on me. He has no concern to even wonder if I am OK. Because he has infrastructure. He always told me that. In fact, he always told me he was going to get me into his infrastructure. Let's face it, he did not want to say he was going to leave his wife for me, so it was the next best thing. But, in the end, like the men who say they will leave their wives', he retracted that promise. He had promised that for over a year, too. Then, suddenly she must have had a talk with him, and any progress he had made, was all retracted.

I get nothing for being his unpaid hooker, and that is what I was and I feel best just looking at it that way. Sometimes, I would want to watch a movie, and we would start watching, then he would suddenly put moves on me. It was like my reason for being for him was not to watch movies. His wife lets him do that at home, I think. He had to get on to the missing ingredient. Then, leave without finishing the movie. And, this guy lives and thrives.

But, I am the one with the bad karma. I have no one. No one.

Yesterday, was good. I did go to the college, coffee, my post office box, a cool mystical store, and cold stone. And, we talked a lot.

Today, all I could muster was the bank. I like coins. I don't know, I just like going through quarters and sorting out the states. Plus, when I get paid, I like to stock up on dollar bills, then put them in my SDB.

I feel really old and ugly. It may do me good to have my make up done soon. She did not do it yesterday. It takes a while, plus she says I look good without it. I like it. I feel a part of it, is when I have it on, I feel more protected. And, like I am hiding this person I am that I don't like.
Hi Mary,

If you read this before it's too late to go to Barnes and Noble, I hope you take advantage of the opportunity and decide to go. I think it's a great idea! Where else can you sit and read, have something forbidden to eat (their café is great) and just relax, observe the people going by, etc.? I love that place! : )

Please let me know if you went, okay?

I know you feel lonely, but you're not alone; you have me, you have Alma, you have your family and friends you communicate with, even if they're far away. Yesterday, you accomplished so much, and you had a good time doing it; that was great to hear! I also love sorting through the State quarters, and I have a collection of 'old' pennies with the 'wheat' on the back. When I had the time, many years ago, and thought they might be worth something (more than 1¢), I started cataloging them, by date, mint, and condition. Whenever I find an old penny in change, etc., I put it into my 'jar' to save. Being interested in coins is a great hobby.

You're thinking too much about Ben and re-analyzing what you already know to be true. HE is the one that has to live with the truth of what he did to you and how he took advantage and broke promises. You were nothing but supportive and loving with him, so you can't blame yourself for anything, except being too trusting. I know what you mean about the women who go to bars and go home with men they just met. It's 'casual' sex and it's not up my alley, either; never was. We think alike on that one.

If you feel better having your makeup done, and I understand how you feel more 'protected' and like the person you are more, with it on, have it done! Ask Alma when she's free, at the beginning of next week, and go for it! I'm sure you look beautiful either way, but it's natural to feel better about yourself and more empowered, when you have your makeup on, your hair is done, your nails are done, etc. So, be good to yourself, pamper yourself, and do these things for yourself.

Let me know how it went, if you did go to Barnes and Noble.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I have to live with his lies and broken promises, too, though. And, to a greater extent than him. He has all those people. Today, again, I did not talk to a soul.

I did do some reading. I have this Vitality Challenge book. Yah, right. But, there is this section on Anger. I have never considered myself an angry person, but that is because I am not one to fly off the handle like some angry people I have known in my life.

Ben went from signing off from a text message IN THE BEGINNING, "Your REAL Man!" In the end, he was calling himself a coward. In other words, he did not want to feel the guilt of dumping me, so maybe if he made himself look so bad, I would dump him. Plus, the whole time, he truly was a coward, but IN THE BEGINNING, of course, he figured he would not get in my pants if he portrayed himself as that.

Why don't these guys if they want us so bad at the beginning, just rape us. I have never been totally raped physically, but sometimes I feel like the one-time trauma, would be better than the 18-months of hell. And, he did in a way rape me. I did not want it. But, being a vulnerable adult, allowed it.

So, after reading some of that book, like I told you before anger can come from feeling cheated or unfair. I am angry. Very angry at him, and his daughter. I don't know where his wife falls into this. I think she just sat back when she found out and pouted, while he gravelled, and the daughter worked with the lawyer to give me one below the belt. That was satisfying enough for her. Her life has not changed. She never did give him sex, and still doesn't. He gave her everything, and still does. Don't worry. I am not a violent person. Maybe that is why I was reluctant to admit I am angry.

Sometimes, I wish I did have a big brother, though, who is not on the restraining order to at least go chew him out. Then, the lawyer would probably RO him (they seem to love those), but at least someone would speak for me, because I know my lawyer did not.

I know I am talking too much about him, but I have no vent. No one to talk to should I even dare to torture them with it.

I know I have you. Alma, eh? And, I have no other communications. I have actually been shut down by the one sister I talk to after 15 minutes, when she asked ME about it. She came right out and said she did not want to talk about it.

As far as things and truths and lies I have already realized, I forget. That is why sometimes I may rattle off on the same subject. It had bad closure, partly due to me because I did not have the strength to just walk away and no P E T V I C. I cannot go back.

I guess in the co-dependent part of my personality (I don't think it is overwhelming) but things come up...I had to break down and cry there for a while...just news items, I miss talking to him. I hate myself for saying that.

BotXXXXX XXXXXne. There just are not enough people in my life, to offset him. It does not take many, but I can count them on one hand. Besides, you, that is it. You are wonderful, I am not saying anything different.

I am romanticizing, which is lethal, and gives him and them every satisfaction. Especially him. He got to treat me so bad, and here six weeks later, I am still crying profusely over no longer being treated bad. I am severely mentally ill thinking of that concept.

I want out of this. Could it be that we all have it too good? I know economics is for the birds, but really, I always look back to the 1800s when life was a matter of life and death. You plowed the fields, and scrubbed your clothes. Work was so hard, that there was no time for this kind of thinking.

Also, I am all over the place. Remember when I wanted to go to MN for a month. Then, not. Then, again? These days are all the same. I think I told Alma the other day, I need a jolt of lightning to come down and electroshock me back into coherency. Ah - get it, George? His line was a little different, but I know you got it. That is one of the best lines in the whole series, but if you think about it, the fact that Estelle Harris did not even flinch when he said it, is pretty good, too.

Getting back to all over the place. I do need something to come in, and zap this day after day of redundancy. I do have thoughts like, if I have energy in the morning and only until mid-afternoon, resolve to that. Don't dilly dally like I do in the morning because I can, but rather develop some discipline. Go for a run (ha - so far around the block), drink a cup of coffee, shower, hygeine, dress, out the door for errands that stores have opened and go along as they open (because I do wake up pretty early because I go to bed at 3 in the afternoon with little sidebars like right now). As it stands now, I dilly dally my energy away. Or tutor, which may seem nice, but we have talked about the granted being taken on that. Plus, she is almost out of school. But, that would force the parents to be the ones involved. She may not do as well, but like they say, if I am sacrificing myself for her (she is NOT my daughter, sister, neice - she is my roommate), I ultimately cannot be any good for anyone including her and myself. That is why back in the 1800s, if the whole family got sick, it was the papa that they took care of first (backwards from now). Because if he died, mother and babies died, too.

OK, I know this is a lot. The familia is weird to me today, and I am thirsty. It is 7:41 p.m., so in Southern California (listen to that right there - I live in Southern California...I should be happy (but so does he in a big house)). Out of my control! Anyway, SoCal gets dark kind of early even in summer. Ft. Laud, too? MN stays light until 10 p.m. So, for my Agoraphobic existence, strangely I like night time, and have an easier time of it. But, I am tired, but feel like running to get a yummy smoothie or something.

I am having trouble with the Accept. I have contacted the help people, and what they tell me does not help. I paid on another credit card, so when that goes through, hopefully it will work. Sounds like a string along, but true. Sorry.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Haven't left yet. The familia thing is money, I am sure. I have really cut back on the spoiling, and as has held true my entire life, people are "what have you done for me, lately?" Instead, of, "gee, Mary was so nice to bail us out when our son got his DUI, the sewer broke, papa crashed the truck (while probably drinking), and Julissa needed that sparring gear so bad because she looked so out of place with the red instead of the black (what a racket - I think karate is good - but the gear is identical except for the color - it is just for show to show that you are a higher belt. Money, prestrige, yada yada yada.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Haven't left yet. The familia thing is money, I am sure. I have really cut back on the spoiling, and as has held true my entire life, people are "what have you done for me, lately?" Instead, of, "gee, Mary was so nice to bail us out when our son got his DUI, the sewer broke, papa crashed the truck (while probably drinking), and Julissa needed that sparring gear so bad because she looked so out of place with the red instead of the black (what a racket - I think karate is good - but the gear is identical except for the color - it is just for show to show that you are a higher belt. Money, prestrige, yada yada yada.
Hi again, Mary.

Well, I hope by now, you've left to get your smoothie! You beat yourself up about staying in all the time, but when you get the urge to go out and do something, if a store is open, go do it! Indulge yourself and indulge your 'want' for something like a smoothie, to drink. You have to start treating yourself better and you deserve it. You're a very giving person, and now, you have to consciously remember to 'give' to yourself!

I'll just comment about this first, because it was one of the last things you mentioned, but lending them money to get her a different colored outfit for karate, when that WASN'T a home repair or other emergency? Ridiculous! Not YOU were ridiculous for giving it to them, but for them have the nerve to ask!

You're not their personal loan service or bank, so I'm glad you're finally slackening off on that behavior.

I realize school is ending soon, and you seem to have a natural ability to teach and get a young person like Julissa to see the best way to learn, so maybe you should check into tutoring. You could do it on a volunteer basis, if it would interfere with your disability payments, or charge a nominal amount. I really do think you sound like a natural born teacher, with the things you shared, re: tutoring Julissa; you were a great motivator to her, too. You can do the same thing for children at a community center or academic day camp, during the summer, so they will benefit from working/reading/spelling while school is out. You know what they say: 'if you don't use it, you lose it', so parents are concerned that their kids will start back to school, behind the 8-ball. That's why they assign summer reading, to keep the kids 'somewhat' in the loop. If you could help kids who are in remedial reading, read better by the time school starts again, think of the satisfaction in that!

You can vent as much as you want, re: Ben, to me. I know where you're coming from and you will always be angry and hurt at his treatment of you. I do think, however, that thinking about how he, his wife, and daughter are doing now, is a complete waste of time. WHO CARES? YOU are overcoming so many obstacles, successfully, and he will always be who he is, and that is not one scintilla of who you are, as far as being a good person. Things ended badly and he had the $ to hire a high-priced lawyer; you did not. Be happy that nothing more serious happened, legally, and the lawyer you were 'not' paying did the bare minimum of work, to do what had to be done, legally. Forget about the lawyer and don't waste your time even 'projecting' what Ben and his family are doing. It's really not worth your time or emotional energy. Remember, Karma will take care of him.

If you're up early, do things that need doing in the house, until the stores open. If your Walmart is a 24 hour one, there you go! You won't have to wait until 9 or 10, when most stores open. Write down a list of the things you'd like to accomplish each day or each day of the week. Putting pen to paper, helps you remember, and will give you more 'purpose' regarding your daily schedule. If it says on Wednesday you need to go to whichever store to buy whatever, you CAN'T sleep at 3 in the afternoon, you need to go to the store. Also, if you leave later, you will be tired later, and try to maintain a better sleeping/waking schedule. You can do whatever works for you, re: scheduling, but try to stick with it, so you feel more accomplished after you tick things off, on your list. I find, when something comes into my mind that I have to do, if I'm afraid I will forget about it, later, because, let's face it, our minds are so filled with many distracting things, if I write it down at that moment, I know I won't forget. Even better, if it's possible to DO that thing at that particular moment, I do it! Then I feel better knowing it's taken care of and I won't forget, later.

Ft. Laud. gets dark LATE in the summer, after changing the clocks in the Spring. When we 'Fall back', in Nov, (which used to be in Oct.), we're one of the latest to get dark, then, too. When I lived in NY, we'd get dark at 4:30 in the afternoon; I'm like you, I loved it!
: ) We get darker later, because we're the southernmost point in the US (well, actually, Key West, is). The sunset from this particular pier in Key West, is legendary, because it's actually the southernmost point, and the last place the sun goes down in the US, and I was fortunate enough to see it about 10 years ago. I love sunsets!

Re: the accept, I do appreciate you taking the trouble to find out what the problem is, and I will contact Customer Service, to bring it to their attention, and get you some help, if the problem has not yet been resolved. I know when credit card info is changed, sometimes it presents a problem. It may be a glitch in the system, or something you didn't enter in the correct field, so don't worry, we'll work it out.

Let me know when you get back from getting your yummy smoothie!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
OK, total melt down on my way to the smoothie. I got ten feet out of my room, and realized I locked myself out. Living with people, I lock my room. But, the jig is up because at the fortunately the other tenant figured out how to get in with a credit card, so there goes my security. I will just have to tighten up the ship. I don't have much, so not to be too concerned.

Do you have an idea how to conquer this, though? Every time something like that happens, I go into this pity party about my past. To get into what I am talking about, just the other night I did something. A timeline of my life, well part of it. Mainly these past 20 years of H E double hockey sticks.

Conquering this pity party. In 1988, I was living with Jim, and we bought a condo. It was at a time when things were fair (not like now when everything is cheap, and not like sometimes when everything is out of sight). I used more of my money for the down, than Jim the more successful (financially), because, you'll love this - he had to send all his money home to his wife and kids. Yes, there has been another one in my life. Jim treated me really nice (unlike Ben), though, until the end. Anyway, conquering the pity party of the past. I have owned a condo, and with Jon (fiance later) a really nice house. Both were lost for bad reasons. Anyway, so when I look at myself at 47 living in a room in a house, compared to being 26 owning a condo, then 31 and owning the condo and a house - I go into the pity party. Because, when I had those I had a garage for my car, I did not have security issues within the home (outsiders we all have). Of course, I have come a long way from being entirely distraught over the losses (which were totally unnecessary, and reasons I will save for another time, if ever). But, when I locked myself out, my thoughts go into, "I have to lock my door to simply go get a slush....if I had what I should have (OK - God's will...) I would not have these hassles." I need to replace those thoughts with something else. Of course, the typical, "Oh, I should be happy for a roof over my head" have crossed my mind to be used, but I need something more poignant. Maybe I ask you too much.

The cable guys are here. We were talking about the episode with Kramer hiding from the cable guy.

I will write more to what you wrote later.

I feel like I am making these so lengthy, one could easily get lost.

I will try that decline problem again, now. I did have to recently replace a card I lost which MAY be triggering it, but it should not because the new card is working every place else?

Thank you, Cher. I don't say it enough.

Hi again Mary, and you're always most welcome! : )

I understand how your mind went to your past situations, when you were younger, owned the homes you were living in, and didn't have to worry about security, when you locked yourself out of your room. Because you live with other people, of course you have to lock the door to your room; finding out it can/has been opened easily, with a credit card, is disturbing. How did you come by this information? Is that how you got back in, yesterday? Where do you keep the key to your room? You have a key to the house, as well, right, so you can come and go as you please, and no one has to be home to let you in. Keep the keys on the same ring and/or keep your room key around your neck, inside your blouse. If you forgot your entire keyring inside your room last night, of course having both keys on the same ring wouldn't have helped. Ok, so it wasn't a disaster, and you got back in. Feeling your security had been breached, is of concern, but hide your good stuff in a place no one would ever look, and if you don't already, get yourself a strongbox or fire safe, for important papers, jewelry, etc., that you don't keep in the SDB.

Try not to think so much about the past, because it was a totally different time and different circumstances and you need to live in the here and now. I know it's easy to keep thinking about it and saying, things were better then, and I wish I could go back and be in the 'space' again, but life goes on and it's important that you concentrate on doing what's best for you, now.

Would it be possible (or would you want) to find another room to rent in another house? Would you feel more comfortable? Sometimes the 'familiarity' is nice, even though you have to take the not so good with the good, of your set-up, like with the familia. So, how does it work, living there? Do you really have access to all common areas, like the kitchen, living room, etc., and then have your bedroom?

Why are the cable guys there? Was there a problem, or are you getting additional services? Yes, that was a good one, when Kramer pretends not to be home, also the one where he talks Jerry into getting illegal cable with the Russian guys.

If the new card is working everyplace else, it should work here. I'll send a note to Customer Service and see if they can advise you re: what may be the problem in it not going through.

Hi Mary,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. What have you been up to, this past week? How are you feeling?

Were you able to straighten out your new credit card info in your profile, with help from Customer Service and/or a Moderator? I asked them to help you with the problem.

I hope you've been going out and accomplishing things you need to do and like to do, and things are also going well with the familia.

Please let me know how you're doing.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>Hi, Cher! It has been a while. I have come to grips with the Ben thing. The lawyer thing still urks me. But, if I do a complaint does not seem to be coming to pass. Thank you for all your help on the Ben issue.</p><p> </p><p>I have a few other issues, and since you know me a little, I would like to stick with you if it is your area. I think they are.</p><p> </p><p>Let's just start at a stupid landlord/tenant issue. My landlady is always asking me when I walk in (there is no private entry) what I bought and how much it costs. On the flip side, she is always telling me what she buys and how much it costs. If I take her daughter with me shopping, she spies, and tells her mother what and how much the cost of what I bought. I just want to be a tenant. I do go overboard in obliging with the rules of the house (paying rent often in advance, quiet, clean...). The landlady is one to come back with hurt feelings if I say something logical and self-respectable like, "I do not wish to share my shopping and expense." On the flip side, if I tell her, "What you buy and how much it cost....???? (Cher - I just don't know what to say, but to just allow her to cross my boundary and spill it all on me." It does provide insight that she tells me, that she is curious about my shopping. But, I am not interested either way. It may seem trite, but after two years, it is wearing on me. Do you know what I mean?</p>
Hi Mary!

It's so good to hear from you! This is ESP! I was just thinking about you, yesterday, and wondering how things were going with you.

I'm glad you've come to grips with the Ben thing and you're moving on. That's really great. You're most welcome, and you know it's always my pleasure to be of help to you.

I understand how you feel it's an invasion of your privacy when your landlord asks what you bought and how much it cost. Asking 'what did you buy?' just to be polite or make conversation, is one thing, but to ask the cost is just simply rude and inappropriate. I don't think not being American can be an excuse for that behavior, either; it's rude in any country. However, this may be something that she enjoys, and I don't think they really care what you're spending your money on, as you HAVE been so good to them re: money, in the past. It just might really be something she enjoys talking about/knowing about re: the prices, and she might be generally nosy.

When you take the daughter shopping with you, that's really nice of you (well, you're a nice person!), and she'll relate to her mother what was bought and how much it cost. You can avoid this by not taking her with you, or by just getting a few things that are inconsequential and you wouldn't care if the mother knows what you bought/how much it cost, and get other things you'd rather she not know you're buying, on another shopping trip, when you go alone.

When you come through the door, and she asks about your purchases, you can say, oh, nothing too exciting, just a few things I needed; OR, just some PERSONAL things (that should take her by surprise, and maybe she'll stop asking; it also may embarrass her, but I doubt it, from what you've said about her!). You can also say, oh, I didn't buy anything interesting--oh, I need to use the bathroom, NOW....and walk quickly to your room. OR you don't have to answer her at ALL and just say, I don't feel well, I need to go to my room and lay down, or I need to use the bathroom. She can't really say anything after that. If she asks you later, say, I don't know, nothing special. OR tell her one thing you bought that was a 'bargain', like pantyhose or something boring like that, and say, 'you should go, before the sale is up, if you need some', or something along those lines.

Let me know if that works.

I hope you're doing well, otherwise!


Customer: replied 8 years ago.
<p>Hi, Cher. It has been awhile. My credit card accounts are more in order so I can do more Accepts. Sorry, for the lapse. </p><p> </p><p>Ben - very little heart ache (thank you, God) regarding the relationship. Just some potential problems in his filing that RO that might follow me as I would like to find a new place to live. A background check would reveal that, and though you and I know the twisted nature of the RO, others may be taken aback typically. Leave it in the hands of the Lord.</p><p> </p><p>In my co-dependent nature which is being worked on but bad habits are hard to break even though it is the best for one, though the family I live with is very dishonest and underhanded, I will still be generous and enable them. One issue that really got me this morning (among so many, but we have to start some place - and this may seem minor, but to think it has happened over and over again for over two years). The daughter, 12 years old, Julissa, had a yard sale yesterday morning. The issue is giving her gifts which are for her (which I have learned, but it is not immediate to set in, and though reduced greatly at the realization of ingratitude). They are Hispanic, I am Caucasian. I do not know if it is a cultural thing, or just plain strange behavior, but here is the example. I gave her some bath scrub ($6.00) a couple months ago. She seemed to take it with gladness. Well, she never used it. Yesterday, she put it out in her yard sale for $.25. Now, here is the etiquette question, to me it is very weird to give someone a gift and they turn around and sell it. This just crosses my mind - but if she does not want it - and is willing to "forfeit" it basically in the name of $.25., I will "buy" my own gift back from her.</p><p> </p><p>The root of the problem is to realize these people are greedy, corrupt, and think in terms I basically do not understand. I need to realize this more and more, and STOP STOP STOP being so f-ing (sorry) nice.</p><p> </p><p>Also, Julissa uses me when there is no one else around to keep her entertained. She is 12, so there is that to figure in, but it is also an age where they are very aware of what they are doing, too. It is obvious, when she gets a better offer (which is just fine with me - but really obvious the using of me) she goes off, and is real pissy to me completing forgetting the time I spent with her. </p><p> </p><p>Do you remember the tutoring? All those mornings (1-1/2 a day?). She made the honor roll. Unappreciated.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, I come to you with a new Life Coach request. I am still working on recognizing my co-dependent actions, but when I DO recognize them, and still give in to them, I need an interceptor. Can I write to you before I commit the action? Do you know what I mean?</p>
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Cher - I am just having a heck of a time with these credit card declines. I know that sounds like an excuse, but honestly they keep saying my information does not go through. I guess I need to call the banks. Just wanted to let you know, I am not flaking (that's what all flakes say), but I am not flaking on you. Let's try this again.
Hi Mary,

Good to hear from you.

I'm just on my way out, and will return later tonight, so I will send you my answer then, alright?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks, Cher. Gonna try this accept again. Really frustrating.
Hi Mary!

Just got back, but the site is being temperamental (we've had some problems, recently, which they're working on), so I hope this goes through.

Thanks for trying the accept again. I couldn't tell you what the problem is, except if maybe your credit card is expired. You had said you wanted to change to another one, so did you do that in your profile? I know very little about that end of the operation. I know you're not flaking on me! : ) We know each other too long for that! lol

As I mentioned, the site has been experiencing some technical problems over the past few days, so if your credit cards keep getting declined, it might be due to site problems, if you know it's not anything else. You can always ask a Moderator to help you. I already submitted a problem report from the last time we spoke, but I don't know if a Moderator contacted you.

I'm going to read through your post again, now, and then send you an answer.

Hi again, Mary.

Yes, you can definitely write to me before you commit the action, and I'll help you think it through.

You've mentioned before, how Julissa takes advantage of you and doesn't seem grateful for your help, and her parents are not teaching her the proper rules re: consideration for others; but, then again, as you mentioned, they, themselves are not exactly honest and up front. I don't think it's a cultural thing, I think it's a 'use other people' thing.

Re: the bath scrub, I would NOT buy it back from her for .25; I'd confront her and say, if you didn't want it or have no use for it, I can certainly use it, myself. I realize once you give someone a gift, it's theirs to do with as they wish, and maybe if you give someone a gift and don't live with them, you wouldn't have seen her trying to sell this at her yard sale. But, because you DO live there and she knew you'd see the stuff for sale, she didn't even think about hurting your feelings, and that's what hurts the most. She is growing up to be a very selfish and self-centered girl, and if she learns this from her parents either by example, or they encourage her
this selfish behavior, that's just a shame.

Try try try, not to give her anymore gifts. I understand you are a 'giver', and that is so great! But, it seems that whatever you do for her is NOT appreciated, so keep that in mind before buying her anything.

I think looking for another place to live, where you won't have to deal with this extra, added problem, is a good idea, but if you found out that within a background check, the RO will show can just explain it had nothing to do with your landlord/tenant relationship, and I assume you'll be able to get a letter of recommendation from them? If they want to write it in Spanish, I can translate it for you....I'm bilingual.

I think maybe you should think about starting a 'new' question, because this thread is becoming too long and it takes forever to load. I'll still be able to reference our past conversations.