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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Ok here is my situation. My pregnant girlfriend has left me

Customer Question

Ok here is my situation. My pregnant girlfriend has left me and is claiming that I verbally and sexually abused her. We had been together 8 months and she was 2 months pregnant when she left. She is 24 and I am 34. She has a four year old son from a previous relationship. Who was calling me daddy by the way. This will be my first child. She started having severe abdominal pains so we went to the hospital to find out what was going on. We found out then that she was pregnant. They didn't know what the cause of her pain was and said we should follow up with an OB.

The first appointment we could get was nearly a month away. Her pain was getting worse and we made two more trips to the ER. Both times they said there was nothing they could do since she is pregnant. She was in a lot of pain all the time. This situation was causing strain on the relationship for a few different reasons. It was hard for me to deal with because I was worried about her and the baby and there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it. It was putting a negative spin on the pregnancy. There was very little talk about the positive things about the pregnancy after the first couple of weeks after we found out. It was just the fact that she felt so bad all the time.

This was depressing to me and didn't know how we were going to deal with this if she was in pain like this for the next 8 months. There was also some things that were bothering me as to things that I was no longer getting from her. She always wanted to go to bed and our sex life became non existant. This was making me feel as if she didn't want to spend time with me and no longer found me attractive. I was trying to be understanding of her but I could not help the feelings I was having. I told her what I was feeling and asked her to show me in some way that she was still interested in me in a sexual way. I told her that I understood if she didn't feel like actually making love but I would like to be able to see that she still had those feelings for me.

She continued to not show me any interest sexually and had very little response when I tried to be intimate with her. This hurt my feelings, frustrated me and made me mad. We also started arguing more. All in all it was a stressful time for both of us.

Well one day I come home from work to find that her and all of her belongings were gone. She would not answer my phone calls or reply to my text messages. On the third day after leaving me her father called my mother and told her that my girlfriend was not going to talk to me because I verbally and sexually abused her and that is why she left me. Her father stated that she told him that I had pinned her against the shower wall, forced her to have sex with me and tore the shower curtain down in the process. NEVER HAPPENED. He also said that the reason she was pregnant was that I forced her to have sex with me. Every time we had sex it was with her consent.

There were times that she didn't seem interested and that would upset me and she would change her mind but I never felt that I forced her to do anything. In those situations I would tell her that I didn't want her to do anything that she didn't want to do. She would say "trust me if I didn't want to, it wouldn't happen". As far as the verbal abuse. We had arguments where I would get mad and yell but I never called her names or was degrading to her in any way. I just don't understand what happened and why she is accusing me of these things. She always told me how much she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We had talked about and planned on getting married even before the pregnancy.

She has been gone now for a month and still have not talked to her. She has communicated a little with me through text messages but won't discuss anything with me. She says that there is nothing to discuss about us. She truly seems to hate me and I don't know why. How can she go from loving me and wanting to be with me forever to not wanting to talk to me at all? We were going through a stressful time but I didn't think it was anything that we couldn't make it through. She would not allow me to go to the first appointment for the baby either, which tears me apart.

I love her and our unborn child more than anything in the world. All I want is to be able to be with her and enjoy our pregnancy and raise our child together. I am also hearing that she is already seeing another guy. How does she go from loving me and wanting to be with me forever to seeing someone else so soon while carrying my child? I am completely heart broken and confused. Any advice or thoughts on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

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Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

How did the two of you meet?

How long prior before the two of you got together did she leave her previous relationship?

Do you know if she is still experiencing pain?

What kind of pain was it?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
We worked at the same factory and met there. If you are referring to the relationship that produced her child. From what I was told that ended when she found out she was pregnant and the father left her and was never involved in the childs life. I think she has had several relationships since then. I have no idea if she is still in pain or not. She will not talk to me and has only sent a few text messages. Her pain was cramping in the abdomin
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
If what you are telling me is true...that you did not do any of the things that she is accusing you of, I would say that she either was unsure of the relationship in the beginning or some time after, became unsure or not wanting to be with you. Abdominal cramps in pregnancy can be due to stress, I'm not a doctor, and cannot give you advice on that, but when I was pregnant, I was told that stress could be a factor to cause a woman to have pain as well as miscarry.

Perhaps at some point she realized that it wasn't working out between the two of you (from her point of view) and rather than try to work things out, she chose to leave the situation. I can't say why she would do this (another man, fear of commitment, not really loving you) but none of them would make you feel better.

It's a heartbreaking and hard situation to go through, and since she won't talk to you, the best you can do is try to talk to her as much as she will allow you on text, and see if things may change when the child is born, however, based on her current behavior I would not count on it. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Another thing she is saying is that I neglected her son because I didn't play with him. It wasn't that I didn't want anything to do with him it just wasn't something that I thought about doing. I am new to this whole being a daddy thing. I don't know what to do with a four year old. She was looking for me to step in and be the perfect father that he never had right away. In my opinion it takes time to create a bond like that with a child that is not yours.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
You're right that it does take time to create a bond, and some women think that a man they just meant should just jump into the role. It's unhealthy thinking on the woman's part and unhealthy for the child as well. The best thing for you to do would have been to simply try and make friends with the child since you were going to be in his life. The problem is, nothing is a given, even when you get married, and if you had of been close to her son, it would have been another loss. There's really no correct answer, but some women take something like that to heart. I wouldn't be surprised if that's not the largest part of the reason why she left.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I was close to him. It made me feel great that he was calling me daddy. I love him very much. I just had never been a father and didn't really know what to do. She never played with him much either. At least not while I was around. I can't say when I wasn't home. I tried to be involved with him. I got up every day and went along to take him to and from preschool. Always tried to give him what he wanted. I just don't understand what I was doing wrong as far as the child goes. I now understand that after the fact that I should have been more concerned with her needs than my own, but if she would have just talked to me about how she was feeling this whole situation could have been avoided. Any advice on how I can try to push things towards a reconciliation. It seems that she really believes that I was abusive to her. I want more than anything to get back together with her and for us all to be a family. I am seeing a counsilor to try to work on some of my issues. I have not told her anything about that though. I don't know if that would be a good idea or not.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

It's understandable that you would feel that you really didn't know what to do if you've never been a dad. If she wasn't very involved with him when you weren't around it would have been unfair to expect you to be. I'm not saying that you were doing anything wrong with the child, what I'm saying is that she may have had expectations that you weren't living up to, which is unfair on her part if she wasn't informing you of these expectations.

Some people aren't good at expressing themselves, and it seems that in this case she didn't express herself, but instead took the easy way out, which was to avoid the confrontation altogether. I can't say, maybe she felt you weren't willing to change, maybe she just thought you wouldn't, maybe she was scared of you or scared how you would react. I think it would be a great idea for you to let her know that you feel you made some mistakes and that you're going to counseling, if nothing else, you can let her know that you want to be a good father, and you want your child to be able to look up to you, and that you think that you and her should at least be on speaking terms since you share a child.

My advice would be to spend time trying to become friends with her. Honestly and truly make an effort to get to know her as a person, her likes and dislikes and what she wants out of life. Honestly be the man she can go to when she's in pain, or when she's happy. Become that man and she may once again see what she saw in you when the two of you first met. It won't be easy, but you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. One step at a time. I'm here anytime you want to talk, just ask for Ms Chase.

All the best,

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
How do I start that process when she wont talk to me.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Will she respond to your texts?

How do you feel about writing letters? Do you have her address?
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
She will sometimes reply to my texts but not always. I do have her parents address and that is where she is living as far as I know. As far as writing a letter I wouldn't know what to say. I have tried to tell her how I feel through text messages, but she doesn't seem to want to hear it. She seems to think that I am a terrible person and that I treated her and her son terribly. I want so bad to work things out with her, but don't know how to get her to see my point of view. I truely do love her and her son with all of my heart and never meant to hurt either one of them.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
You could start out by sending her a letter, telling her that you know where you went wrong and you never meant for things to go in this direction, That you are taking anger management classes and are willing to just be friends with her if that's ok. That no matter what you want to be a good father to your child and have the relationship between the two of you at least somewhat repaired before the child arrives so that you can at least talk. Becoming friends with her can show her the man she initially fell in love with. Show her that you are ready to be a dad. Send her son a toy, and send a baby blanket for the new baby. Include something small for her, like a parenting book, or a pen and a journal where she can write about her pregnancy...or simply something small that you know she would like.

I dont think you should look at this as trying to get back with her, as much as trying to get close to her. Get her to open up to you, trust you and see the man she once knew and loved. If all else fails, you have a little one who is going to need their dad, and that means you will want to do everything possible to give them a mommy and daddy who can communicate effectively about their life.

Im here if you want to talk more.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I love her so much. It kills me to think of us not being together. It hurts so bad not be be able to be a part of the pregnancy. I am missing out on so much. I wish so bad that I could rub her belly and tell my baby that I love him or her. I want to be able to feel the baby kick. Little things like that mean a lot to me and the way it looks I am going to miss all of that. I was so looking forward to all of those things. All I ever wanted was to take care of her and enjoy our pregnancy. I want to be able to be with her and watch our child grow inside of her. Being a father is something I have wanted for a long time and now that it is finally happening I can't even enjoy it. I thought this would be one of the happiest times of my life and I am absolutely miserable. I feel like a complete and total failure. I screwed up and cost myself the most important things in my life. I don't understand how I got things so messed up when I had nothing but good intentions. If things can't work out between us I will hate myself forever. This is not how I want to bring a child into this world. Our baby deserves to be in a home with both of its parents. She talked about me cutting the ambilical cord and that gave me such a wonderful feeling. Now I don't know if she will even allow me to be present for the birth. That tears me up to think that I won't be able to see my child come into the world. That is something that is very special and important to me. This whole situation is becoming more than I can handle. I wish there was a way to convince her to see things from my point of view and realize that I truely do love her and get her to forgive me. There has never been anything more important to me in my life.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Are you there?