Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship

I have a difficult situation that I need help with. My mother

Customer Question
I have a difficult situation...
I have a difficult situation that I need help with. My mother in law and I have a very difficult relationship, over the years she has insulted me, humiliated me, one time, she even slapped me. For some reason, I have never had the courage to stand up to her and as a result, I have a deep dislike/discomfort with regards XXXXX XXXXX My husband says he understands, but I detect an underlying disaproval on his part, as though I have failed in some way. The other night he said to me "Why can't you just let it go?" Please help!!!
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 2 minutes by:
3/19/2009
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
Verified

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-How long have you been married?

 

-Has it always been this way?

 

-Does she ever make an effort to get along with you?

 

-Has he been present when she has treated you badly?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 8 years ago
We have been together for nine years, it has always been this way, except for the months when my mother was dying of cancer(last year). During this time she was much nicer. There have been many times when she is nice, but there is always an underlying slight eg: at christmas, she bought a gift for my husband and son, but none for me. At times (like when she slapped me while i was sleeping!!) my husband has been present, however she tends to be most abusive if he is not around. She often rationalizes her behaviour by saying "I was just joking". She is a single woman of 62 years old and has verbalized her fear of being alone. I suspect she resents me for the attention that her son gives me. I am a black woman adopted and raised in a white family, so often she says to me "your not a real black woman" or at a family dinner she will say to one of her relatives " don't pay any attention to davina, she doesn't know any better because she was raised by white people"
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

Thank you for replying with answers to my questions now I ask you to be patient while I type my answer. Thank you in advance for your patience.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

I think there is many underlying issues there, for one she doesn't like the fact that you have taken her son away from her and like you said the fact that she is now alone, but she has to realize that her son has a family that needs him now and that her job as a parent is pretty much done and she has to let him go live his life, that is why we as parents teach our children the tools in which to do that, it's not your fault that you were raised by white parents and really shouldn't make a difference and I would like to know how a real black woman acts? All woman act the same they raise their children and protect them and just because that white family was not your biological family they gave you the tools to be a mother and a wife it shouldn't have anything to do with color but unfortunately it usually does in situations like this. It isn't just white people who can be prejudice black people can be also and she seems to be living proof of that, it is possible to get along with your mother-in-law, and it can also be great for you, your family and your marriage, The troubled relationship between men and women and their mothers-in-law is cited as one of the number one reasons for problems within a marriage, even more so between women and their husband's mother. Getting along with your mothers-in-law is even more important when there are children involved.

Regardless of your personal feelings toward her, never criticize or speak badly about your mother-in-law in front of your son or your husband, or any other members of the family for that matter. It will only get back to her and make things worse for you.

 

Maybe if you include her more she won't feel left out and alone, invite her to dinner more often it doesn't have to be every week but if she sees you making an effort she may also make an effort but I really don't think it has anything to do with you I really think her resentment is towards her son and she is just taking it out on you because she feels her son abandoned her and because he married you she thinks it's because of you partly, maybe if your husband went to his mother's more often to make sure she is okay she will in turn let up on you. It's a simple matter of respect: She doesn't feel she is getting the respect she deserves from her son and is blaming you for that. Try to see things from her point of view, take the initiative to be pleasant and approachable. Even if your efforts go unnoticed, you'll at least know you're doing the right thing, and that in itself is rewarding and enough to be commended and your husband will see that you are making an effort to let bygones be bygones and maybe he will talk to his mother about the way she is treating you if he sees that she still even after you make an effort still treats you badly he will see it isn't you. Try asking her out to lunch to talk and then ask her what you can do to make the relationship better she will appreciate that you at least care, she has already shown that she can be nice to you and this can be a constant things if you both try.

 

Sometimes just stopping and reminding yourself that your mother in law is a person too, a person with real feelings who has already lived a whole life in another generation before you came into the picture may be enough to put things in perspective. You should not allow the problems with mothers-in-law cause problems in your marriage honestly isn't beneficial to anyone involved, either now, or in the future. You may have to end up just loving his mother from afar, your families simply need someone to step up and take the high road, be the "better person" and do whatever it takes to make an honest effort toward improving the relationships. Maybe you could even plan a weekend getaway with your mother-in-law if feasible I think if you both had some alone time together it would make a huge difference maybe plan and Spa day for just the two of you. Call her sometimes out of the blue and ask her if there is anything she needs or if she needs your help for anything. She just wants to feel wanted and needs some attention to know that she still means something in her son's life.

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
Verified
KimberlyF and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask KimberlyF Your Own Question
KimberlyF
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
750 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com

KimberlyF is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting
Before I was officially dating my boyfriend I was flirting with another guy while I was talking to my current boyfriend. I never told him and tried to hide it. Now he knows and is questioning my trust… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little of each? Im an insecure anxious attachment type for sure.... i always need reassurance and stuff from my gf... my gf in the beginning was alr… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at
We are not dating but I've known him for 15 years, we met at work I thought he was good looking we hit it off as friends. He had me staying over his place a lot, then I found out he was gay/bi I start… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My question is about a possible beginning to a relationship.
Hello this is Brian, my question is about a possible beginning to a relationship … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex
Is it normal for your boyfriend to constantly have his ex girlfriend come over to visit even though you tell him to it really bothers you… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have
My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have chirldren with a previous partner and we still keep the family house and gather. But my family has not accepted my new partner 'although she is ever… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from unhappy 30+year
Boyfriend of 1 year newly divorced from long unhappy 30+year marriage told me he keeps thinking bout old girlfriend and how he has always wondered about her and how/where she is. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated
Hi. A few weeks ago I received a message from a guy that I dated very casually before he moved about 1 ½ years ago to California from Ohio & since then we really didn't stay in touch. So I was a bit s… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a
My wife goes to a high-end restaurant bar / restaurant on a Sunday for brunch, She start 3 hours and gets rather trashed with her alcoholic Mother of which we do not like each other. Keep in mind that… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok,
not sure how to move on from this if he cant trust me. Ok, My boyfriend and I and my two teenage daughters live together. I gave him the consent to record my daughter because we were trying to catch h… read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I've never been in a real relationship and it just seems
I've never been in a real relationship and it just seems like I can't get any woman to like me or want to date me. I want to know how I can approach women and get dates? I'm really all about chivalry … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have a problem i need an advice I met a man after really
Hello , i have a problem i need an advice I met a man after really hard time of separation with my husband . This man is separated too but he still in contact with his wife because of the kids ..any h… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I would like to know something. My wife of 35 yrs received a
my wife of 35 yrs received a very intimate necklace fro m anoth er women and she told her she was drawing inspiration from her just by wearing it what does that mean … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Mine is a pretty tricky but story. So I met this guy on
Hi Debra, Mine is a pretty tricky but long story. So I met this guy on Tinder, he was lovely. Our first date was amazing... we spoke for three weeks 24/7 before actually meeting up. There was an insta… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood swings. He is about to start a new job at a branch of Verizon (used to work at another branch) so we were talking in the car and he said he ha… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex,
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex, I kept texting him till he said leave me alone and then broke up with me.. can I get him back … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love
me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love him dearly, well on Tuesday something happened when I was texting one of my guy friends I didn't physically cheat on him, and there was no … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6
Jen, I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6 weeks. We see each other twice a week. He deeply cares for me and loves me. I also have love for him. I struggle with his immaturity. So… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x