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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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Hmy husband has a lot of anger and resentment towaref me. Its

Customer Question

My husband has a lot of anger and resentment towaref me. It's built up over the past 20 years we have been together.Most of the day to day stuff (paying bills, kids's school stuff, maintenance of yard) falls on me. But,aot of the resentment stems from 2 money decisions that I moved forward on knowing that he resisted. He never said absolutely not, but after I persisted, he said, "do whatever you want". I took that as being yes. Those decisions were 7 and 9 years ago. Although it hasn't caused us to be bankrupt or go in foreclosure, we do live paycheck to paycheck with little savings. If something happened to me, there is no way he could afford the bills. I realized after a few years how it affected him and apologized, but now here we are 9 years later and he still says he wakes up every morning resenting me. Of course he says this when we are arguing, mostly when I express concern about lost intimacy from him that I am experiencing and wanting us to go to counseling, which he refuses to do. What can I do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

Can you tell me about these decisions you made?

What are your ages?

How old are the kids?

What kind of work does your husband do?

Does he want to go to counseling?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

The first was getting a new house. At the time, the purchase would triple the then mortgage. It was what I thought our dream house. He didn't want to, but wouldn't tell me why. I pleaded and he eventually gave in. I was up for a promotion and thought we could afford it. We are still in the house today. But the mortgage payments are more than he takes home net in a month (when he is working). We make the payments, but not really on a budget so other things (credit card stuff) seem to keep us in debt. THe 2nd was that my stepdaughter (who we raised) wanted to go to an out of state college. He wanted her to go somewhere in state.THe reasons he would give was he didn't want her to be too far. But actually, it was the money. I wanted her to go where she would succeed and so did not discourage her and convinced him that we get the Direct Plus loans for her to go (thinking we would not have to for the whole 4 years, but we did) now $85,000 later, he is bitter. I have gotten her to give us the monthly payments now that she is out, but that is a hassle every month and doesn't seem to matter to him. I am 42 and he is 49, turning 50 this year. My stepdaughter is now 24 with a Master's degree, then we have a 15 year old son with Asperger's syndrome. and 11 year old daughter on the Gifted spectrum. He has primarily worked in the rent to own business, but has also done plant production supervision (which he prefers). He is in between jobs again right now. The last thing he told me when asked about counseling was he would rather me start divorce proceedings then go to counseling.He doesn't need anyone telling him what to do. But then what is confusing is that he would go on like nothing is to day stuff. calling to let me know where he is, etc. It is almost like I have to "force" him or act like he didn't mean what he said.

Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thank you for that additional information. I understand that he's telling you that you made mistakes, but the fact is we all make them. There's nothing wrong with wanting your dreams and who knew the economy would get so bad. If he can't move past these things and forgive then it's going to be hard going keeping this relationship alive. I feel that his lack of intimacy might be his way of punishing you for what you did, and the more you harp about it, the less he's going to want to do it. You have to force yourself to get involved in other things, and still give him some attention without pushing him for intimacy. The hard part is that if he doesn't come around the lack of intimacy with stagnate the relationship, if it hasn't already and you'll just stay on the same flat road until you or he makes a decision to leave. He has to know that counselers don't 'tell you what to do', but I think that may be his point of saying that it might fix things, but he's not quite interested yet in fixing things. My best advice at this point is to get involved in something that makes you happy...change things up in the house, move furniture, throw things out, paint...change some things about yourself as well, get a haircut, or a different style, take a class, teach a class...something, anything that will take your focus off of him, so that he can miss it and desire to get it back. Make sure that there is time that the two of you can spend together without the kids around, even if it's a simple meal or ride somewhere. I know it seems simplistic, and in some ways it is, but it's worth a try to see if anything changes. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.


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Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Thanks for the information. It helps. Its the keep trying that gets to me. And I know I should just struggle with for how long. I struggle with that the relationship is stagnate already. And struggle with what to do. I am a very faithful believer in marriage. and it scares me that the lack of intimacy is making me more and more not want to be around him. I am happier when he is not at home. It is like I am looking at someone who must not care about me, because if he did, he would want to try things that I ask. i would be ok without going to counselling, if we dialogued more often. (A technique we learned from a couples weekend the one time he agreed to go) I tried what you are suggesting once before. I guess I did not stick with it. The last time was the past 6 months. I keep hoping that he will come around and want to be more intimate (and he has) but a kiss once a week, a hug here and there, is really not enough for me. So after 6 months, I brought the subject back up again and was hurt that he is still in the same place. It is like "I can hardly focus on giving him attention and his needs, when he doesn't seem to care about any of mine." I struggle with when will I know that it is time to give up, and ask myself or do I just keep trying and continue to be unhappy or unsatisfied.

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