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Ive been married for 4 years, together 12 yrs with a child.

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I've been married for 4...
I've been married for 4 years, together 12 yrs with a child. My husband recently made a "new friend" who is about 15 years younger. I found out about this by checking phone records.I confronted him about it and was told that she is just a friend whom he had met thru work. It seems as though he has given her the liberty to call whenever she pleases. It really bothers me especially because I had to find out on my own. (He was deleteing the calls/texts from his cell phone). I asked him to please tone it down a little bit. He has only known her "supposedly for 4 weeks" and they talk all the time. He told me that he will not stop being her friend because he isnt doing anything wrong. But i feel so hurt. What should I do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 3 minutes by:
3/16/2009
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-What is his age?

 

-What is this young woman's age?

 

-What were some of the things they talk about?

 

-Do you trust that he isn't cheating on you with this other woman?

 

-Has there been any marital problems before this?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

He is 35 and she is about 19 years old. I really dont know what they talk about. All I was told was that she has alot of family isssues, that they have alot in common and that he enjoys her conversation. I do think that he isnt physically cheating but I do believe that it can lead to more than just "friendship". We havent had any problems like this before. An occasional flirting once before which I nipped in the bud before it could escalate. I found out that they spoke last night while I slept ( I go to bed early while he stays up with his remote control). He deleted the call from his phone log. When he was confronted he said that his reason for deleting it was not to upset me.

 

Thanks

Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

It may be time to give him some ultimatums if he doesn't realize that just him talking to her is making you feel uneasy about their relationship then he is blatantly disrespecting you without even thinking about your feelings or your marriage. He is awfully young to be going through a midlife crisis but I think it is similar to one because she probably makes him feel young and forget about the stresses of work and home. What you are going to have to do is remind him that though he may think talking to this girl is innocent as a married man it's not a good idea for him to have female friends that call him as much as she does and for him to hide things from you, tell him if it were so innocent why doesn't he allow you to read them? He is hiding something from you and that is one of the signs of cheating if he goes to another room to talk on the phone or has them call when he knows you are not around or sleeping.

 

He is showing classic signs that he has or is about to cheat and if you want to save your marriage you are going to have to stop that now instead of waiting until something happens and then the two of you are headed for a separation. If he started working extra hours at work and the paycheck doesn't show it, It could also be that he's not really spending these extra hours at work. It's in your best interest to find out which is really the case. The secrecy alone should give you cause for concern but as a family unit the two of you should be able to sit down and talk this out. It may come down to you making an ultimatum it's either her or you. If he changed the password XXXXX his cell phone voicemail, email, or home voicemail system or deletes message and phone logs, these are all indicators that he's trying to hide something from you, especially if he isn't sharing these messages and phone calls with you. Regardless it's a sign that he's up to something and enough that you may have some major suspicions.

 

If you do give him the ultimatum you have to do it when you feel that you have had enough and can't take it anymore and be willing to leave if you are going to say you are leaving if things don't change you have to mean what you say or else he will think you are bluffing just to get him to leave this other woman alone. This is not a game this is your marriage at stake so it's time to get serious and tell him what you want to happen and then be willing to leave if he does not agree or at least talk about getting Marriage Counseling.

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Thanks for your response. But one more question. Do you think its wise to confront her? I text her telling her that we need to meet and speak. She is willing to do so. But do you think its wise? And if so, what should be my main focus when speaking to her. I'm sorry but after dealing with this for almost 2 weeks..I'm feeling braindead. I cant think anymore.

Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

If you have already called her to meet with her then talk about how important your marriage is to you and that your daughter will suffer in the end, most women can feel compassion when faced woman to woman and knows what is at stake, whereas some men cannot. Ask her if she were a married woman and this happened to her how would she feel about that, this will give her food for thought. Just make sure you are mature about this and remember this is a 19 year old child even though she is considered an adult I don't believe she doesn't have the experience yet to know how sacred a marriage is and should be. Also ask her in detail what they talk about on the phone and texts and at work. If you decide to confront your husband you need to have concrete proof that any wrong doing was done before doing that.

KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Thank you so much.
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 8 years ago
Customer

 

You're welcome and if you need my help again I am here for you, let me know how you make out.

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