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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21333
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I have a friend in the Marines who I date when he is home.

Customer Question

I have a friend in the Marines who I date when he is home. We have an unusual relationship; we talk, email, call each other, just like we were dating. But we break up when he leaves. I want to keep the relationship official but he won't really talk about it because he'll be gone so long and says he doesn't know what will happen in the future. He tells me to live, take advantage of being young, he doesn't want me to be alone, he doesn't want to hold me back.... What questions can I ask him that won't scare him away? I need to know if he sees any possibility we'll be together or if he knows now we will only be friends.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
HiCustomer and thanks for your question.

I think he has created this arrangement, because as much as he cares about you and doesn't want you to be alone when he's not home, it's possible that he also wants the freedom to date other people when he's not home, and feels if he makes a commitment to you, he will not be able to remain true to you, while he's away.

You can ask him questions about what kind of social life he has, and what he does for fun, if he dates when he's away, and if there's any other reason besides not wanting you to be alone and 'wait' for him, while he's away, that he decided you need to 'break up' each time he leaves. If you can keep in touch by email, phone, etc., while he's gone, can this not be considering a dating relationship?

While it's possible that he does want to remain only 'friends', you need to ask him if he feels more for you than that, and would like to continue a long-distance relationship, while he's away from home. If you don't ask him this, now, you will be 'waiting' for him and he may not plan on regarding you as a 'girlfriend', so in order for you to do what's best for you and move on in your life, date other guys, and be happy, you really need to find out what his future intentions are, for your relationship. If the answer is not what you wanted to hear, at least you'll know for sure and be able to start dating other people, if you're not currently doing that.

It may be too early in your relationship, and/or not an appropriate time for him to make a commitment, considering he's not home all the time, but it is important for you to know how he feels about you, so you know how to deal with future events.

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi Cher,


Thank you so much for your advice. He and I did stayed together a whole year he was gone, he came home on leave, and we stayed together for two months. Then he called and told me it wasn't fair to me. So we have both dated other people the past 2 years he was gone. He was home not very long ago and it'll be another two years before he's home again. But I really don't want to share him this time around. :) We have talked about this together and defended the relationship to others who don't understand. It sounds like he is making the effort to keep it going, but still, no official.... Does knowing this help, or change how I need to ask him again?? I sent him an email with questions to answer a month ago and he hasn't replied but we have talked MANY times since then. I feel I am nagging him or ruining what we have by making him define it.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
He has liked me since high school, that was four years ago. He never thought he had a chance with me. So now that he does, I don't know what he's thinking.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your replies and your accept. Also, thanks for your patience, as I was not online when you replied.

If he's liked you since High School, and never thought he had a chance with you, I agree, it's difficult to know what he's thinking, now that you have told him you're willing to wait for him. While he might very well be concerned with you 'waiting' and feeling like he's depriving you of a social life, while he's away (and two years IS a long time!), he also might be saying this to feel guilt-free if he wants to be with other women while he's away.

If you sent him an email asking him these questions and he hasn't replied, he probably didn't know what to say, so he ignored it. If you've talked many times since then and he hasn't brought it up, I think he doesn't want to discuss it at this time. I understand how you feel you may be nagging him or ruining what you have, if you press the point, so give him a little more time, and then bring it up innocently, and say, you know, you never responded to that email I sent you, would you like to discuss it now? Try that, and see what he says.


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