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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21382
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Ive been actively searching for commitment in a woman ever

Resolved Question:

I've been actively searching for commitment in a woman ever since my last serious girlfriend dumped me a year ago. Now, I've got a girl I'm interested in, who wants a commitment from me, and I've got cold feet. Any advice?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.

May I ask your ages?

By 'commitment', do you mean dating exclusively, engagement, marriage?

How long have you been seeing her?

Why do you think you're getting cold feet? How do you feel about her?

Thanks for all your additional detail,

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

a.) We're the same age, and we're college students, both 20.

b.) Dating exclusively.

c.) Coming up on about a month.

d.) I really like her, but I'm mainly, I think I'm worried I'll be hurt again. My last girlfriend, who I'd been dating for over a year, broke up with me after telling me she had been cheating on me with another guy for a few months. I spiraled into a depressive state for about two months after that before I even thought about asking a girl out again. It was, to say the least, rough. I just want to make sure that won't happen again.

Thanks so much for your time and assisstance!
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and you're most welcome; it's my pleasure to help you!

Thanks very much for your reply with more information regarding your situation.

I understand completely, why you are afraid you might be hurt again, and that may be what's causing your cold feet at this time; however, you've also only been seeing this woman for about a month, and that's a comparatively short time. Even though you would like a commitment, you're looking for a commitment, and she's asked you for one, it might be prudent to wait a little longer; explain to her that you have no interest in seeing anyone else (if that's true), but you feel it's a little premature to make this commitment, since you only know each other a short time. Tell her that you really ARE a commitment-minded man, but you'd like to wait a little longer, before making this commitment to her, to make sure it's what you both really want.

Compliment her, tell her you really care for her and have enjoyed dating her for the amount of time you've been together, and you don't see anything changing (if this is true), but you would appreciate it if she would bear with you and wait until you've been seeing each other for a longer time before asking for this commitment. If she seems very distressed and accuses you of wanting to date other women because you don't really care for her like she cares for you, etc., calmly tell her, no, that's not the reason at all; I'm not seeing anybody else, I just think we should continue seeing each other for a longer time, before making this commitment.

If you feel you may lose her and you really care for her, you'll have to decide if you want to make the commitment at this time, or not. She MUST think it's rather early, after only 'almost' a month, to ask this of you. Unless you've been seeing a lot of each other, spending almost every day together, and have gotten to know each other really well, and you like what you see, and feel strongly for her, then it would be alright, but if you're dating, seeing each other once/twice a week, speaking on the phone, etc., I really think it's too early to make this kind of decision.

I'm so sorry you were hurt by your last girlfriend, in the way you described, but, just because that unfortunate incident occurred, it doesn't mean every woman will do this to you, so you have to have faith that things will work out, especially if you feel strongly for the woman you're seeing now.

I hope everything goes well for you!

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