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I had a guy tell me yesterday after I told him I wasnt going

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to have sex with him...
I had a guy tell me yesterday after I told him I wasnt going to have sex with him yet'Maybe its a good thing we didnt have sex yet because I might fall in love with you.' I asked him about it b/c we are both adults&should be able to discuss such things&he really would be the only one who could tell me what he meant&his response was a bit odd,he said that he didnt think anyone should fall in love with him,which i interpreted as him saying that he said I would be the one to fall in love with him,which I know for a fact he didn't say.I wanted to find out if he was just looking for a sexual relationship b/c he said "Things just get retarded when emotions get invloved" it led me to believe either he was hurt before or the girl got too attached.Also sex and anything sexual has always been kind of pointless to me but it was different that night and he agreed,I asked him if it was good or bad different&he said it depends. I dont know what it depends on exactly though. Could he be afraid?
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 37 minutes by:
2/25/2009
Counselor: Cher, Relationship Enthusiast replied 8 years ago
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21,521
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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HiCustomer

I think your perception of what he said is true, regarding being hurt by a woman in the past. He might just want a sexual relationship where emotions are NOT involved, if he feels get messed up when emotions ARE involved. Some men are just satisfied with casual sex and don't want the emotional stuff that usually comes along with it.

When he said 'it depends', re: if it was good or bad 'different' that night, I think he means it depends on the people involved, if emotions are already in the picture, and there is going to be future happenings, or if it will just be a one night thing, with no commitment.

He does sound afraid, and this may be justified, if he's been hurt before, and is putting up a wall to protect himself from future hurt.

If you feel he's worth getting to know better and trying to 'deconstruct', meaning getting to take him apart emotionally to find what's underneath this possible 'hurt' and 'fear', you might make an interesting connection which will be fulfilling to you both. Continue to ask him questions, as things come up, because so far, he's answered you with no resentment, and no problem. If he's willing to share his feelings, that's a good thing.

I hope things go the way you want them to.
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Thank you. I did ask a few more questions but I couldn't fit the whole thing in the box. I wanted to find out if he was just looking for a sexual relationship because he seemed weary of love and relationships. So to see what he would say I said if all you want is a sexual relationship I can handle that,it won't make things weird between us,and I wouldnt regret it or anything,and he said "you could handle that without getting attached" and I said yes because in all honesty I could have it's not something I take lightly or hadn't thought through completely,but I would be willing to take that risk, I don't know this for a fact but I have never known a man who just wanted sex to turn down an offer like that. Anyway he said that he did not want to risk it,the whole time making it seem like he could handle it while I would be the one to get attached,if that was the case then what is he risking,most guys would be like that was fun while it lasted but see ya around,the one who would be hurt would be the person who was attached in most cases the girl.That is what made me wonder if he had been hurt and didnt want to risk it again. I do believe that talking about things and being completely honest is a good thing.
Counselor: Cher, Relationship Enthusiast replied 8 years ago
Hi again, and you're most welcome. Thanks for your additional thoughts.

I agree with you completely, that usually the woman is the one that feels that way, re: attachment and is usually the one who gets hurt, but some men can be sensitive like that, and he may be one of the good ones. He may very well have had something re: commitment happen in his past and he doesn't want to repeat that mistake and risk the hurt, again.

He sounds sensitive and able to express his emotions honestly, so try to find out more about why he feels this way; tell him you find it very honest and interesting, and he seems 'unique' in this way, as most men wouldn't express such insightful things and show the concern for a woman, he's already exhibited. Tell him you're very interested in getting to know the 'real him', his thoughts and his feelings about all this, and more about him. Getting a man to open up and talk about himself is a great way to get to know him better.

Cher
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Thanks again. I really do hope he'll talk to me,because if that is the case I know what its like to be hurt and to decide love and relationships aren't worth it. I've changd my mind since then,but I have come to learn that taking risks is a part of life and that just because you were hurt once doesn't mean you shouldn't try again. I like how you said he may sensitive,because when we were together,I was sitting there and he said he wanted to take a nap and he was laying his head on a pillow on my lap,and then he wanted me to lay next to him so he could hold me,and when I wouldn't go further he wasn't dissapointed and didn't pressure me,and they usually won't talk to the girl again they'll just find someone else,most mean who just want sex,I've never seen act this way.
Counselor: Cher, Relationship Enthusiast replied 8 years ago
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

Yes, I totally agree, that he does sound like a sensitive guy and laying his head on your lap, then, just holding you, is very nice, and yes, if all he wanted was sex, he would have been disappointed, but he didn't seem to be. He may just need that extra security that a woman like you, can provide. It sounds like things are going well, so try to get him to talk a little more, but do it gradually, and things should progress, nicely.

Cher
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
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Satisfied Customers: 21,521
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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