I wrote this last week, should i give it to her before the talk or after??? i hope your can respond soon
Where do I start. There are so many things I want to say that I may bounce around a little. And do not laugh at me, I probally will never be this forthcoming in my life again.
Writing this will never have the same effect as saying this to you in person. WE are terrible at reading each others emotions through letters. I will try to be as clear as I can how I am feeling with each subject matter.
I told you in a few of my emails that I have never been in this situation before. Let me explain. I have been dumped before, and been the dumper. When I say I have never been in this situation, what I mean to say is I have never been in this kind of pain after a breakup. When Brett was born, I welled up. When we saw Marley and Me, I welled up. When I realized I screwed things up with us, I sobbed uncontrolablly. When we were at the front door I could barely catch my breath. Of course I wanted to hug you Meggan, but it was almost like a horrible nightmare. I have been mad after a breakup, hurt, sad, even disappointed. With you it was different. It was like the most wonderful part of my life died. And I could not handle it at that point.
So I had 2 choices. I could roll into a ball and die, or I could fight to get you back. The first few days, I chose the ball. I sent you that terrible email. I never got it that night Meggan. The first day was such a blur. The night after our fallout, we had a big arson fire. Guy tried to burn his wife. Tom and I were the attack team. Turns out the house was a 3 room apartment. We got stuck in a room and the fire got behind us. Luckily the hose burst and made some room. We had to basically run out of the building. The next morning I got in my car, and I grabbed the phone to call you. I dont know if it rang, but I hung up quick. I then realized you were not gonna be there. I have never felt so horrible in my life. That moment, no matter what happens, will live with me forever. I never bought into a wife or girlfriend being a best friend, but that's when I realized that was true. I could never tell my friends how that scared the hell out of me.
That's when I chose to fight. I dropped Brett off at his grandparents. I drove to the counselor in Birmingham because I could not find her online. I got the name and she gave me her partner as a reference. I went back on Tuesday to see her, and again on Friday. She was $110 a pop, so I had to find someone else haha. I currently really like the woman I speak with in Ann Arbor. She gives me homework, and she can be like a sarcastic mom. It is actually exciting. Kind of a double edge sword though. Exciting because I learned why I acted like I did, but sad because I couldn't share it with you.
So session one was tough. I was still very emotional, and we talked alot about the way I reacted to the situation. The tears and the knot in my stomach I mean. She asked me how I reacted when I realized things were over with Anne. I told her I was sad, but it was more of a guilt for realizing the situation I put myself in. I'll get to more on marriage in a minute. Then of course came up the infamous post cherry party talk. I explained to her how it was like an out of body expierience, where I was watching myself and yelling to myself that I was wrong all at the same time. We didn't get too far in, just alot on how to handle my feelings, such as going to work and eating and such. I know that sounds dumb, but I just was crushed. It was kind of 50/50, not having you and regretting what I had done.
Session 2 on Friday was a bit more talkative. We got into the whole marriage thing. I told her how it always bothered you I never had time to heal after the divorce. I said I wish I would have met you at a better time. She looked at me shocked and asked if I loved you. I said of course I did. She then told me to never apologize or feel guilty for falling in love. That really hit me hard. No matter what happens in the future, falling in love with you was one of the best things to ever happen to me. Then we talked about females in my life and stuff like that. We talked alot about listening, really listening and not trying to be the hero. She asked me about my why I got married. I told her and we had a long talk about it. We came up with 3 events that really showed why it was stupid of me to be married in the first place. Maybe one day I'll get the chance to tell you. After that I couldn't afford to go to Birmingham for that price, so I found Jody, the new therapist in Ann Arbor.
Remember how I said I realized the worst moment I had? Now comes the worst day I ever had. The day of the party. Don't think for one second I didn't think about you all day, knowing you were going to Krav. I wanted to text you so bad, but I wanted to give you space. Part of me was thinking about the time you were sick when I didn't call, but I knew this was different. So I just waited. Tim kinda forced me to go to that party, I really did not want to go. So I did. All I thought about was you all night. I talked to "Moses" and he kinda joked what an idiot I was, and I agreed. Then the hard part. I saw Gina walk in. When I saw her again she was alone and texting, so I had a bad feeling in my gut. I told Debbie (tims gf) what was going on. I told her I didn't know if this girl liked me, and now I am sure she dosen't after what I did to her friend. I debated saying hi. Debbie asked what would happen if I talked to her. I said she would probally rip me a new ass. So she said I screwed up, so if you want to have a chance with You I would have to go take my medicine.
So I walked up and said hello. To my suprise she talked to me. Yes, she did rip me a new ass. But she said so many things I had never thought of before. She did also tell me I had no chance with you. She told me how all female cops were married to male cops, and that shocked me to. She just said alot of things in a blunt mannerI needed to hear. But after a talk, it became friendly. She realized I knew I screwed up, and how bad I wanted to reconcile. That's when she told me you weren't coming because of me. And that hurt alot. So she told me she would talk to you, but I had to keep working on myself. She told me to email you and admit all the dumb things I did, and to let her know what I said. As nerve racking as that was, I really enjoyed that talk.
So I left, still sad. As I was pulling into derricks, I hit an ice patch and knock over 3 mailboxes, messing up my jeep. Just more and more good times. So I went in and grabbed the computer. That's when I sent you the new rules email. Stupid to try to be cute I know. I just wanted you to remember I did have a fun side. I worked on that email all night. I think I fell asleep with it on my lap. I truly meant every word I said, but I knew I still had alot of work to do. I was kind of mixed on your reply. I wasn't sure to be positive or doubtful. To date, I think I have read it nearly 1,000 times trying to get a different meaning out of every word.
So I started in Ann arbor. I got back to the gym, and had to keep moving. My first session I wasn't allowed to talk about you. We worked on my personality traits, habits, and subconscious actions. At the end, she told me my homework was to write down our entire relationship good and bad, but not I felt about it. So I did, eleven pages!!
Then came your birthday. I was a nervous wreck that morning. I called the florist and asked if they were delivered, and she laughed and said yes. We had a hazmat meeting for an hour, and I kept checking my phone. Stupid I know. I was even more nervous when I saw I had an email from you. I was just happy you liked them and so happy you told me about your day. Derrick was laughing because he was sitting next to me in class, telling me I was making him nervous just sitting there. Gina emailed me later saying you liked the flowers. I did email her twice, just so you know. I wasn't trying to be secretive, but I really enjoyed the talk I had with her.
I then got 2 great books. The first was "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Relationships" and the next one was "I Love a Cop: What Police Families Need to Know". Same thing, I learned so much but I wanted to call you and tell you.
The next week was tough. Long story short, Brett was sick. He had a GI infection, dehydration, and his kidneys were not functioning properly. Anne was out of town, so I had to get him through the first few days. There were a few hours there where I started the whole negotiation process with God. They were going to fly him to Toledo, but the weather was bad. Luckily, he started coming around that night. Some great things happened that week. I was at the hospital for 5 days with him, so obviously alot of people came to visit. The second from last day I was in the lobby with my dad. He told me he hadn't heard from me in a while, and asked what was up. Eventually, I told him what happened. I was trying not to cry in front of my dad. We had an amazing talk where he almost blamed himself for being a bad role model. He told me he was proud of me for fixing my mistakes, and we actually had a genuine hug before he left. ON the other hand, my mom. Now after what happened with us, I lost alot of weight and looked like hell. I told my mom I was having stomach issues. So she kept telling the Dr. Brett caught what I had. So finally, it needed to come out. I told her everything about us. Literally a 2 hour conversation. How happy I was, how I screwed it up. She was really sad and apologized for making me feel like I could not tell her how happy I was. 2, not kidding, 2 days later she made a comment on how it sounded like I just had a fling and I was fine. Therapist agrees mother is a lost cause. Brett is fine now, doing much better.
After that back to counseling. I finished both books at the hospital. With eleven pages in hand, she began breaking how I acted down with me. But first, why I got married. She agreed it was dumb to have done it. But she made a great point. The reason it was so easy for me to move on and find love was because I was basically single for the previous 10 years. I never acted like I was in a relationship, so when I got in a real one with a real person, I was bound to make mistakes. We agreed it was pointless to bring up the marriage after I understood why I did it. I cared about Anne and loved her, but never fell in love with her. It's hard to explain in letter, but one day I can.
So then we got around to us. She kept asking me why I was there. Kind of like Brett keeps asking why. Finally I said it really loud, and I wanted you to hear it. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE MET IN MY LIFE THAT MADE ME WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON.
So then we strarted talking about where things went wrong. I said something happened to one of us between October and November where this weird fighting circle started. We talked about fights, dates , jobs. Anything. Through that talk something hit me. The night on the couch a few weeks before Nashville. I don't remember what you said, I just remember looking at you. I remember it perfectly. I realized that was the happiest, most peaceful moment of my life. I knew I had found the right person for me, and I wanted to share a future with you. I was beyond in love, I was so happy.
Then, we talked about, it all backfired for me. Instead of enjoying the moment and my life with you, I subconsciously felt I had to protect this situation and not lose those feelings of love. Our trip to Nashville was so fun, but the fight the last night was on me. I don't know why I overreacted, but I was trying too hard. Actually there is one thing about that trip I will never forget. When we were watching that guy sing in the hall of fame. I was bitching about being hungry, and you just gave me this funny look to shutup. But I cannot stop thinking about that. Just how beautiful and funny you were. You had your hair up with that brown hair (pullerbacker?), your green coat, and the most amazing smile. I will never forget how beautiful you were in that moment.
Do you remember that Tiger game we went to? On the way home we were buzzed and I thought you were going to dump me. I told you I was not going to let you implode, that I wanted to be with you. Well guess what, I was the one that imploded. I tried to make sure a great relationship didn't get away from me that I pushed too hard. That is one of the main reasons for the fighting, and I could not feel any worse.
Of course this made things worse when you got your new job. I was so nervous for you that day when I was at work. I remember just pacing around the station. You called me at 9 and I was excited to hear about the day, of course I teased you for leaving early. The next day, the whole stripper thing threw me off. I know is was acting, but with my new hang on mentallity it set me back. Meggan, I love knowing you love going to work and love your job, which leads to the hardest thing I have to admit...
I was jealous of your job. Not like I wanted to be a cop, but jealous that I was going to lose you to your job. Everytime you asked me if I had a trust issue with you, I really never thought you would go out and cheat on me. Never. So when I read our books on trust, I was ok with things. When I reread the book after I learned this, it made more sense. Babe, you were so passionate about your job. The good parts, and the bad. When you got into DRANO, you were so thrilled to be there and so happy. And I was happy for you. But everyday you came home, someone was getting divorced, even your friends. And lets be honest, it was hard for me to hear about guys being crude to you. I understand now this is part of the job something I wished knew earlier.
I don't even want to bring up the party. I was childish and mad how they were treating you. You are an adult and I tried to solve your problems. Every word I said the next day was nonsense. All I can remember about that day was wanting to take care of you in the morning. I can't believe how stupid and idiotic I was. I was just a plain dickhead. I was rude to Holly because she was ripping on me for You not going to Vegas. I like Holly, she was nice. But she made me nervous. She was living this awesome single life, great job, nice place. It made me nervous thinking I wonder if you wanted that back. That was an insecurity of mine, another one I wish I could take back.
Obviously this all ties into why I tried to make you jealous. I hope you got that email apology. At first I thought you like jokes about turing you in at 30 or what not, but I was obviously reading the signs incorrectly. I was so stupid to say those things to you. I don't think I tried to do it on purpose, but I fed into it and it was wrong. When we were at the Post for the Tigers game, I remember some girl asked me something. You kind of said something to her, and you were mad. Deep down I thought it was kinda cool. Now I know how wrong I was.
The night I told you I love you was so important. I had never said that to anyone before first. I remember thinking about it for awhile before. But when I whispered it to you, I was terrified. I hoped you felt the same. Later you told me you thought I had to say it. I had been trying to tell you before that!!! I just couldn't get it out!!! I wanna tell you another thing. You don't have to believe me but I really did. It was early January, and we just had a date the night before. I think you were working. Anyway I went to drop Brett off, and stopped at Twelve Oaks. I was just dicking around, but I stopped in a couple jewelry places. Obviously I knew I couldn't do anything until the papers were finished, but the thought started dancing around in my head. I was kind of gitty when I left there, excited by the idea. It wasn't forced, it just felt.....good. One of the hardest things I told the therapist wasn't just losing you. I was losing alot of hopes and dreams too. I know this sounds corny. I thought about us house hunting, I laugh and think of how we were only going to have girls, and I couldn't wait to take your picture on the Lions couch in the basement. I wanted a real, happy future with you. And of course, I got scared and didn't want those dreams to get away.
By now we both agree I was a crappy listener. That is just something I need to practice and get better at. There isn't alot to say even though it is SO important. I work on it everyday, and I should have done a better job with you. I listened, but I replied with a fix. I just wish I would have shutup.
Sorry, I know this is getting long. The book I read on the small things in a relationship was us perfectly. We never had a big knock out fight. It was just lots of little things. I was insecure because I didn't want you to ever leave. I was oversecure because I never thought you would.
I know you will be a great mom one day. Watching you with Brett, I could tell it was never forced. You are kind of a mom to your mom haha. One of the things in the book about loving a cop is the constant gear shifting, especially for women. This demanding job, but a need for regular everyday life. I get that now, but I never really appreciated what you went through. Catching the wish i would have known now what i didn't know then theme? Your job makes up alot of who you are. But you are much more than that. You are smart, funny as hell, sarcatic, beautiful, fun, and just an unbelievable person. Even if I never see you again, I will always remember the best, XXXXX XXXXX , times that we had.
The drinking thing is the last thing I want to bring up. I honestly had no clue how to handle it. I never dated anyone that like me, just liked to go out for a beer once in a while. Even getting hammered once in a while. Here was the catch. Alot of times we went out drinking, it looked like you were going to dump me, like on vacations. And when you started your new job, you had your weekends back to hang out with your friends. I never thougt you would cheat on me. I just was an idiot about it. The thing with us only being intimate together while drinking made sense the day you told me that in counseling. I really did take alot out of that day. Not to sound strange in a letter, but being "with you", was really special. All the things you told me about you never being able to do made me feel great inside. It meant alot to me, and you look amazing naked...sorry had to get that in.
In a weird way, I am glad you ended things. Of course I am still praying we will be together one day, but it needed to happen. I told you before I needed to hit rock bottom to fix alot of our problems. I just wish rock bottom had a promise of reuniting on it. I learned alot about myself in therapy. I think I love and appreciate you more now than I did together. I am sorry I hurt you and betrayed you not just trusting you would be there. I am going to carry that regret with me forever.
You said something the night we stopped seeing each other. You said I had no idea how much You cared about me. To be honest Meggan, you are right. The only time you ever verbally said how much you cared was usually while we were fighting. The time I felt you loved me the most was the night in Toledo, when you said you didn't want to search for jobs out of state because of me. I really was glad to hear that. Not that I am someone that needs reassurance, but i guess it would have been cool to hear once in a while outside of a fight.
Not to reminisce too much, but we had alot more fun than bad. Of course I will miss just being in bed with you. The therapist laughed when I told her we were fighting about going to sleep, she wished all her couples had that problem. Vacations were fun, even if they ended bad. Every morning I miss being hugged by you. The day you told me why you did that made me happy. For some horrible, horrible reason, I miss your cat. I miss ghost shows (maybe not), both of us swearing we would eat good the next day after a huge meal, and i will miss those white shorts. I miss hearing about training, police work, and your funny family stories. I miss your curly hair, and I miss your straight hair. I even miss those big ass toes. If I started to list everything I miss, I would be her all day. Plus, how will I ever know when the good sales at Antropolioge are?
I guess I don't have alot left to say. I hope you keep this letter and look at it every once in a while. Just remember if when you find the right guy for you, you once knew someone that loved you with all his heart and soul. He just happened to be a moron haha.
Meggan, you will ALWAYS be the love of my life. I have never exposed so many sides of myself to someone, never dreamed into the future with such hope, and never looked at a woman with such love in my heart. I don't know how I will go on without you, but I guess I don't have a choice. I know it was only 11 months, but You changed me forever. If you ever want to talk or call me, I will be there. You have so much to look forward to, you are going to live an unbelievable life. And I will always remember how much I wish I could have been there to share it with you.
I Will Always, Always Love You Meggan,