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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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I need some advice before he hurts me. if anyones read my la

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I need some advice before he hurts me. if anyones read my last question I asked they'll understand the situation more, I'm in a mixed relationship and my mother wouldn't approve if she found out about him, we've been intimate together already more than once, and he's known as a player at work but I haven't seen any proof of him being a player yet, but again this is coming from people that know him, he's 27 and I'm 21, they say he's been doing me the same way he's done other girls before, well, we meet up once a month and I've been seeing him for about 3 or 4 months now, we text every other day but the last time I talked to him before tonight was last friday before valentine's day, and he sent me a forward text message he wanted me to send back to him for valentine's day and I didn't do it just because I was teasing him and I didn't send it back to him, I guess I should have because when he sends me texts like that I ignore them because I would rather him ask how I'm doing then send me stuff like that, when I came in to work tonight my friend was going to the store and she got back and told me she seen him and she said she didn't want to tell me but she asked him why he didn't come to see me at work and she told him I was working tonight and he said "so, I'm about to start seeing somebody else anyway" I think he just said that because I act like I don't like him and I do, I'm just afraid he's going to hurt me, I had to come home early and I send him a text and asked him what he was doing and he said he was getting ready to go to the casino, and I asked him what he was doing tomorrow and he said nothing, why what's up? and I told him I wanted to see him tomorrow and he asked me if I had to work tomorrow and I told him I'm off and he said we'll get together-real talk, whatever that means and I said ok and he didn't say anything else back, what does that mean? he wants to break up because I don't see him enough or because I act like I don't like him? what should I do?

Daer Christy,


Thank you very much for your question. I have looked at the email strings for your other questions concerning this relationship.


From my perspective looking in, as a disinterested party, my first impression is that he is not into you as much as you might like. That sounds harsh I know.


It seems to me that you are very loyal and are admiring of him, and more into him, than he is to you. He appears to not respect you much and to not have a lot of maturity or sense of responsibility for maintaining a truly intimate and loving relationship.


I noticed that one expert has asked you: why him? why this relationship?


There are two sides to every relationship. IT takes two to tango as they say.


On your end of it, though you may think you are being flirtatious, coy, and teasing, it appears from my reading of it, that these are what we call in the field of psychology and relationship, games. (as in the book games people play).


In essence, in any other relationship, your "game" is sabotaging the relationship and his game. (we all have game play they are not necessarily bad)


He appear to have a need to keep you responding to him in a certain way, that is not necessarily healthy for you; and you want to tease and be coy at times. A form of romance.


You ask what to do.


I agree that you do not see each other enough for the level of emotional investment you are showing.


I would like to see you respecting him and yourself a bit more.


If you want this relationship to work at all, there are some things you need to do. IN doing them, you will be respecting him, respecting yourself, and if the relationship is right, it will survive. If it is wrong, you will find out and be able to focus your energies in more productive ways, such as developing your self and or finding a new love.


1. Respect his space and his decision to not contact you. Do not pursue him or act in needy ways. If he does not call, do not call him. If you need to check in once in awhile, do just that. Maybe give it two weeks, then call to see how he is doing. Do not ask, when will we see each other again.


2. If he calls, take his call, and if he asks to meet, then agree to meet. But do not act like you were waiting while holding your breath.


3. change your game. do not play those coy little games you play like not returning calls.


4. be more honest in your communications. You say you act like you do not like him. Tell him, I like you and how much. Before you do, examine your feelings critically and make sure it is the truth. Make a list of what you like in a relationship. Make a list of what you do not like in a relationship. Make a list of what you like about him, and then make a list of what you do not like about him.


When you tell him, I like you...make it..."Ray, I like you because......" or what I like about you is......


Ask him, what do you think about us?


Tell him I need you to......


Find out what he needs from you, and where he sees you and him 6 months from now, one year?


5. If he wants to break up, then respect that. you may say something like: I understand. You know how I feel, and if you change your mind, and I am still available, then do not hesitate to contact me. Wish him luck, then morn the relationship no more than 1 to two weeks for each year, then move on.


Without talking to him, it is hard to know exactly what he means by "real talk". he may in deed be wanting to break up.


But certainly it will be a time to share feelings, and honesty is important.


you may be afraid of being hurt. No one wants to be hurt. Being in relationship is not for the faint of heart. But you need to be honest with your feelings, and let your actions reflect that. Acting aloof to the extent that your partner does not care for you is sabotaging your relationship.



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