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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21449
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My son recentlyleft his wife and child for another woman. The

Customer Question

My son recentlyleft his wife and child for another woman. The other woman is extremely controlling and devious, my son is oblivious. The other woman cannot have children, and is fixated on my Grandchild (5yrs) My son has allowed her to make decisions regarding his daughter. SHE is taking care of the divorce. SHE planned a birthday party inviting school mates, without any consideration for the Mom. SHE takes care of my Granddaugher while my son is at work. She has asked my Granddaughter to call her "Mom" telling others she is her Stepmother. I tried to just "talk" to my son, but somehow SHE has turned him against me, and the rest of our family. I have NEVER met anyone as Devious, Controlling, & Manipulative! I don't want to loose my son. Please advise!
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.

How old is your son and how old is this woman?

Is your son and his ex-wife legally separated or divorced at this time?

How often does your son see his daughter and how often does her mother see her? Does she reside with her mother most of the time?

How long has your son been involved with this woman? Do they live together?

What sort of things did your son say in reaction to you talking to him about this situation?

Thanks for any additional detail.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
My son is 25 and she is 32. My son and his wife and been separated since he left 5.5 months ago. He had gone out with friends, met her at a bar and then didn't go home and hasn't since. They've been living together. When this happened, naturally I was disappointed in the way he handled this situation. (just walking away from his daughter and a marriage) However, I haven't treated his GF or him rudely. They keep to themselves. I have only met her on one other occasion, which was New Years Eve. And now at my Granddaughters BDay Party. During each of these occasions I have made it a point to be non judgemental towards her. The GF however has verbally attacked me each time. Once on New Years Eve in person, and the 2nd has been through text messaging (I am not a big fan of txtg to communicate serious subjects) She let me know this last time that the only reason She invited me, was for "my Son and Granddaughters sake". It is not my intention to tear them apart. I had wanted to truly try and get to know her, but she is so defensive towards our whole family.
My Granddaughter stays 50% of the time with each parent. If I try to defend myself with my Son, she tells him that I am lying. I have no reason to lie. It's like she is threatened by us for some reason.
I was a single mother of 3, 2 girls 1 boy. He is the middle child. We have ALWAYS been extremely close.....until now. I don't know if I mentioned, I recently was told that the GF can't have children. I am just afraid that my Granddaughter has become a Pawn in her game. The GF is so peachy nice in front of everyone, but later strikes out. The GF is constantly putting The MOM down. Even the Mom has tried to talk to my Son....letting him know that SHE has overstepped her bounds, but he doesn't listen. He says that SHE just cares about him, and wants the best for him, that SHE is always there for him, that SHE loves his little girl. SHE indicates that WE are all being manipulative, and don't want him to be happy.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply.

It certainly sounds like this woman has taken over your son's life and his mind, and is 'puppeting' him to believe SHE is always right, knows what's best for him, and his family is always advising him incorrectly.

She sounds like a very strong-minded controlling person who is only happy if she HAS someone to control, and things go her way.

Your son needs to stand up for himself and his daughter, and because this woman is quite a few years older than he is, he might be listening to her and 'obeying', almost as he would listen to you, his mother (not that there was any lacking on the part of your mothering, but some men subconsciously like to be told what to do by a partner and not have to make the decisions themselves).

Her treatment of you was abominable, and I think the fact that she knows she can't have children of her own, definitely made her feel she wants to make your granddaughter her 'own', just as you suspect.

If you've tried talking to your son and he won't listen, things are going to escalate and I'm afraid that the only one who will be hurt in this scenario is your granddaughter, unfortunately. This woman sounds like she has psychological problems, and I don't know how much influence you, as the grandmother would have, but your son's ex-wife can certainly pursue something in the courts, if she doesn't want her daughter to be around this woman, due to the 'confusion' she's causing, requesting that she be called 'mom', and considering that your son is not even married to the woman. Also, you don't know what disparaging things she says in front of your granddaughter, about the rest of the family, and you've already said you know that she's bad-mouthing your granddaughter's mother, so that is unacceptable.

Your ex-daughter in law needs to get some legal advice, re: how to proceed, and not allow her daughter to be around this woman anymore. Your son has a right to see her, of course, but, she doesn't necessarily have to sleep over, and/or have any dealings with the woman. I think, if you can get your son and granddaughter separately, into some sort of family therapy situation, more will come out and this can be used against the woman in a court of law, if she's alienating your granddaughter from the rest of her family.

This woman sounds like some sort of 'Svengalli', to lure your son away from his wife and child, in one night! She has some sort of 'agenda', and you need to find out what it is. For the moment, I would not accept any text messages from her, and if you can see your son alone, either at work, at lunch, on a workday, etc., continue to try your best to talk some sense into him. Make it clear, once again, that it is not your intention to come between him and his gf, but you are his mother, you deserve respect from ANY woman he has chosen to be with, and you do feel that she's using his daughter as a pawn, and as a substitute for the children she can't have. She's NOT her child, she's your son's and ex-wife's child, and right now, she has no say/can make no decisions, in what your granddaughter does. Only her parents can do this, so, as I mentioned, right now, I think your daughter in law wields the most power, and she has to take action, with your help, to not have your granddaughter see this woman as much and perhaps modify the amount of visitation time with her and your son; this doesn't prevent your son from seeing his daughter, only the woman, as she's not related....yet. Tell your daughter to consult with a lawyer and a family therapist, to know how to best proceed, after relating all the present circumstances, and you can benefit from these answers, as well. It sounds like your daughter in law has been too nice, and it's time for her to put her foot down, for the sake of your granddaughter, so she can enjoy time with your family.

I hope things improve, soon, and I can certainly understand your frustration. Being a middle child and the only male, although you've always been close with your son, he may be reveling in the attention this woman gives him, and that's why he listens to everything she says.