replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply.
It certainly sounds like this woman has taken over your son's life and his mind, and is 'puppeting' him to believe SHE is always right, knows what's best for him, and his family is always advising him incorrectly.
She sounds like a very strong-minded controlling person who is only happy if she HAS someone to control, and things go her way.
Your son needs to stand up for himself and his daughter, and because this woman is quite a few years older than he is, he might be listening to her and 'obeying', almost as he would listen to you, his mother (not that there was any lacking on the part of your mothering, but some men subconsciously like to be told what to do by a partner and not have to make the decisions themselves).
Her treatment of you was abominable, and I think the fact that she knows she can't have children of her own, definitely made her feel she wants to make your granddaughter her 'own', just as you suspect.
If you've tried talking to your son and he won't listen, things are going to escalate and I'm afraid that the only one who will be hurt in this scenario is your granddaughter, unfortunately. This woman sounds like she has psychological problems, and I don't know how much influence you, as the grandmother would have, but your son's ex-wife can certainly pursue something in the courts, if she doesn't want her daughter to be around this woman, due to the 'confusion' she's causing, requesting that she be called 'mom', and considering that your son is not even married to the woman. Also, you don't know what disparaging things she says in front of your granddaughter, about the rest of the family, and you've already said you know that she's bad-mouthing your granddaughter's mother, so that is unacceptable.
Your ex-daughter in law needs to get some legal advice, re: how to proceed, and not allow her daughter to be around this woman anymore. Your son has a right to see her, of course, but, she doesn't necessarily have to sleep over, and/or have any dealings with the woman. I think, if you can get your son and granddaughter separately, into some sort of family therapy situation, more will come out and this can be used against the woman in a court of law, if she's alienating your granddaughter from the rest of her family.
This woman sounds like some sort of 'Svengalli', to lure your son away from his wife and child, in one night! She has some sort of 'agenda', and you need to find out what it is. For the moment, I would not accept any text messages from her, and if you can see your son alone, either at work, at lunch, on a workday, etc., continue to try your best to talk some sense into him. Make it clear, once again, that it is not your intention to come between him and his gf, but you are his mother, you deserve respect from ANY woman he has chosen to be with, and you do feel that she's using his daughter as a pawn, and as a substitute for the children she can't have. She's NOT her child, she's your son's and ex-wife's child, and right now, she has no say/can make no decisions, in what your granddaughter does. Only her parents can do this, so, as I mentioned, right now, I think your daughter in law wields the most power, and she has to take action, with your help, to not have your granddaughter see this woman as much and perhaps modify the amount of visitation time with her and your son; this doesn't prevent your son from seeing his daughter, only the woman, as she's not related....yet. Tell your daughter to consult with a lawyer and a family therapist, to know how to best proceed, after relating all the present circumstances, and you can benefit from these answers, as well. It sounds like your daughter in law has been too nice, and it's time for her to put her foot down, for the sake of your granddaughter, so she can enjoy time with your family.
I hope things improve, soon, and I can certainly understand your frustration. Being a middle child and the only male, although you've always been close with your son, he may be reveling in the attention this woman gives him, and that's why he listens to everything she says.