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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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Im black female in straight relationship for 7 yrs with black

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I'm black female in straight relationship for 7 yrs with black male (1st black boyfriend as opposed to booty calls of yesterday) Was celebate for 3 yrs prior to this due to experiencing domestic violent relationship (one with woman, one with male who is father of my 2nd son.) Came out as gay 15 years ago, then 'straight' 7 years ago. Current relationship has been dying for past 3 years.   Have been dreaming and thinking daily of ex-gf, watching lots of The L word, getting gay papers and mags. I am feminine yet more masculine than bf. Totally confused as you can tell. Was 28 when I met gf, now 43. Expected to be married now and feeling same dissapointment in men as I did before, but hestitant of getting into the clique-y, dramatic, intense world of lesbian. In current relationship, sexually I was able to express my 'butch' side sometimes eg dominate but feel let down because in the light of day, he pretty much is a mummy's boy. I'm fed up wearing the trousers in straightsville!

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What is your question for me?


-Do you talk to the ex girlfriend?


-Do you want to leave you boyfriend?

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I have no contact with ex gf - it was a toxic abusive violent relationship that resulted in my getting an injunction out on her. I considered myself bi-sexual for many years before her but she put me right off lesbians.


Yes, I want to leave bf. I love him for the past we had together but can't see a future with him due to the way he manages (or not) his money, his drinking and he has a very small 'world' My kids have grown up and I want to travel and meet new people, he just wants to watch TV. He would be great for me if I was retired but I'm not! However, he was and is very nurturing which helped the healing process a bit from the two previous DV relationships. Today we are not talking again because of commnucation problems...again. When we first met, he felt I acted too white although he grew up around the corner from me. I don't want to 'act' any certain way, I just want to be me.


I guess I can only answer myself what is my sexuality? But I guess I need some understanding of my behaviour and an idea of what to do next. I can't keep going from white to black and back to white, then from boy to girl back to boy. I want companionship and to build a future with someone. A proper relationship. I'm lonely and miss sex. We haven't had sex in months because he was impotent with debt worries and more recently too tired because he has a new job. Sexually, he is normally very satisfying but as my feelings have changed for him, I'm not being satisfied anymore and was faking it in recent months. In the past, he has been verbally abusive under the influence of alcohol, so I don't see him and cut conversations short when he has been drinking. Right now I am entertaining crushes on Gary Dourdan and George Eads from CSI along with Catherine. Also Shane from The L Word who reminds me of my lesbian alter ego. If I'm gonna be straight, I want a man equally as confident and 'forward' as me. I feel like I'm his mother.



First there isn't really any way to talk white and speaking proper english is not talking white it's speaking the way you should speak in the first place, also you cannot help who you fall in love with whether they are male or female or black or white love is love and sometimes you can find love in the strangest of places and when you least expect it. If you are feeling like you are not getting the attention you need from your current boyfriend and you have tried everything to make it work maybe it's time to be on your own and explore the things you want to do and see and people you want to be with. First what you are going to have to do is figure out why you pick abusive relationship whether they are physical or verbal, abuse is abuse. What you are going to have to do is take time out from relationships altogether so that you can figure out what it is that you want but you shouldn't go back to your ex or even contact her because of how she treated you and you should never go back to that just so you won't be alone.


What you are going to have to do is figure out if being gay makes you more happy than being straight and don't just try to be straight to live up to others standards. Also just because you had one bad lesbian relationship doesn't mean they are all that way you just haven't given anyone else a chance because you are thinking it will be the same way but it won't you just have to stop picking such people that become or are abusive and when you see the warning signs don't stay just to be staying. You have to do what makes you happy and what satisfies you, I cannot tell you to be gay or straight you have to figure that out on you own, I wish it were that easy. What you should do when dating is write down five to ten qualities you want in a gay or straight relationship and when you go on dates if that person doesn't meet even half of your qualities then more often than not they are not the person for you. Just make sure you find closure in this relationship before going on other dates that is what you did wrong in the past you moved on to someone else before being emotionally done with the other relationships you've had make sure you don't make the same mistake again.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks for your reply. It echos what I'm feeling is the right thing to do. Just one more question which may not be able to be answered. After the previous relationship I was celibate for 3 years because I wanted to work on myself and not drag any baggage into the next relationship I had. In hindsight, I think I was so eager to actually have a black boyfriend almost to validate my black womaniless that went I met my best friend cousin, my head just spun. Also my need to be needed was still the common denominator in all of my abusive relationships. During my 3 years, I entered therapy, did anger management and self-help stuff. I assume that the length of time one should spend on their own would differ from person to person but is there a good length of time to stay out of relationships? I am much wiser in my forties but totally look forward to the wisdom of my 50's!


You have done everything that you needed to do to work on you but you are still making one big mistake you keep holding on to people that don't mean you any good it's almost like you think you can fix them but that never works you can't fix anyone that doesn't want to fix themselves. From now on learn from your past and if you see any red flags or major warning sign don't stay in a relationship as you get older you don't want to waste anymore years being unahppy, do what makes you happy and if the person you are with isn't willing to give 50% or half of what you are giving then don't stay there are other people out there for you that will give as much as you give.

KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hi KimberlyF,


Thank you so much. In addition, I shouldn't have to say it but I am feeling your comments about speaking proper english even more considering your etnic background. I feel clearer now and a lttle more 'me'. You have clearly chosen the right vocation and I am truly blessed to have connected with you tonight. Thank You and God Bless!



I'm glad I could help and if you ever need my help in the future don't hesitate to ask for me by name I will be more than happy to help you again. Good luck!

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