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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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I am currently in a relationship, but i cant stop thinking

Resolved Question:

I am currently in a relationship, but i cant stop thinking about someone i met just before him. We had a brief fling and i thought things were going well. I was besoted by him, but he went back to his country and stopped contacting me so much. I then met my current boyfriend. We got on really well and he is lovely, the only problem is i still think about this other guy. My boyfriend is great to me, we're currently in an LDR but hopefully that will change soon. However, i never had that feeling i had with the other guy. Did i make the right choice? Will i always be thinking about him? I dont know how to stop this feeling and just think about my boyfriend. Im worried i made the wrong choice or even if i didnt, that i will always wonder.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What is you age?


-How long did the fling with the other man last?


-Have you talked to the other man since?

-Do you care for your current boyfriend?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I am 27.

I was in contact with the other guy for several months and then he came to see me, i was working abroad at the time and so was he, we met on a plane initially. He spent a few days with me and then went back to where he worked. We stayed intouch regularly for a month or so until he went back to england for good. He then stopped contacting me so much. I understood he was very busy but it was such a complete change. I liked him straight away and thought he felt the same and he has contacted me in the last few months, but i have tried to keep it just friendly because of my boyfriend. Yes i care very much about my current boyfriend, he is lovely and very kind to me and has stuck by me no matter what, but i just cant get the other guy ou of my head, its frustrating as i want to be able to concentrate on 1 person, not be torn between the two, its not fair to my current partner.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


You are going to have to figure out which one of the two would treat you better and be there for you since the other guy was a fling I don't know if he will be open for a long distance monogamist relationship. You say your current boyfriend has prove to be trustworthy and loving and caring, are you sure if you were to choose the other guy that he would be the same as you have now. You don't really want to give up a good thing for something or someone that you're not as sure about. Could it be that you're just attracted to the forbidden the fact that you cannot have him right now because he is back in England and you're not sure if he even wants you the way your current boyfriend wants you? I think you might have liked the spontaneity the other guy had and you are attracted to that aspect in him. What you should do is make out a list of things you like in a man and think about each guy and write the name of the man that has the trait you like and if one out weighs the other than you pretty much have you decision sitting in front of you on paper. Maybe plan to meet the other guy for lunch just as friend to see if there is still a connection or more of a connect than your current boyfriend and you have. There is nothing wrong with having lunch with a friend just make sure you don't end up having another fling that will only confuse things more.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Yes, thank you very much. Its just weird cause i never felt like i really got closure from this other guy. He has many qualities i admire and physically we have a huge attraction, but im not so sure he would give me the security and reassurance than my boyfriend gave me. With this guy it was like an instant connection, we talked for hours about things and he is extremely intelligent and charasmatic. My boyfriend was differe, it just felt comfortable very early and i could be myself totally, no putting on a nice face ever. But the feeling was different and my love for him grew over time rather than straight away. I worry if i dont stop this feeling of doubt it will fester and i will become distant and cold to my boyfrined. He wants more committment from me and for me to move back to him in July, which a big part of me wants but i dont want to committ if there are still doubts. I think i maybe attracted to the other guy for purely physical reasons, i look up to him in a certain way and admire him, i dont have that with my current partner but i admire different qualities in him and love him for totally different reasons. They really are polar opposites. Thank you for your advice. I will make a list and if i still have doubts maybe i should meet him for lunch and chat more.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


This is why you need to meet with the other guy you had a fling with to make sure that there is no longer that attraction and try to find closure if closure is what you need to move on. I think you should do both make the list and make plan to meet him one last time before you make any major decisions about moving to where your boyfriend is, you have to do this before you move. At the lunch ask the other guy what he expects in the future what he wants to do and where he wants to be. How he feels about relationships, he may not even be looking for anything serious and may feel comfortable with the way his life is and doesn't want that to change. It will put your mind more at ease if you do this even if it's just for closure, depending on the list and what the outcome of the list is.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks...sorry one last thing!! The feeling i had for him and the feeling i have for my boyfirned, what do you think that means? I mean the fact that i instantly really liked this guy and felt that sicky love feeling, although im not sure thats a good thing cause you end up doing stupid things because of that feeling!! But my bf, my feelings for him grew over time, i liked him and respected him the more i knew him, but also because i was leaving it kind of made the relationship more intense. He is 100% sure i am the right one for him and i dont want to hurt him at all, the way he is with me i couldnt ask for anything more, but there is still this gnawing doubt. Do you think it is better to go with the instant intense feeling or for it to develop over time? I have never been so sure that someone would be 100%faithful to me physically and mentally like i do with my current bf. And your also right, i dont really know what this other guy wants to even how he feels now, i need to find that out also. Thanks again.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


I think it's better to allow those feelings to happen over a period of time. I think your feelings for the guy you had a fling with is more of a lust thing. Your attraction is possibly a sexual attraction and you may be confusing your feelings with true feeling because your meeting was so intense. If your boyfriend seems more reliable as far as what you really want out of a relationship but you won't know what the other guy wants unless you talk to him.

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