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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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this is is my first interracial relationship. these questions

Customer Question

this is is my first interracial relationship. these questions are mixed with what to do and what is the view from the other side(race).im white and he is black. ive known him for 4 years and in those 4 years he has always projected himself as a player. within the last year he and become lovers and are in a "relationship". when we first got together we didn't have "boundaries" on what our relationship was or if we would be more than lovers. he stays at my place, and he asks me over to his place, it has been like that for the whole year. he calls me frequently. he asks me all the time if i need anything when he goes out. he buys me gifts, and when we talk about things he always asks me if im sure. he genuinely does care about my feelings. sex i know shouldn't be that important... is fantastic and always take care of me first.(don't know if this is important in helping you with my questions) i am 28 and he is 36. both of us aren't big talkers and we would keep our feelings inside than risk hurting the other. there will be times when i don't see him for days due to job(both military), we live maybe an hour away from each other. i apologize if this entry is all over so if you need more info then please let me know. i appreciate all the help and insight from another person. i just really don't want to mess this up in my confusion and lack of experience.
1: when we are alone together he gives me the impression that he cares for me via body language and the way he looks at me. he makes me feel precious. yet when we are in public he becomes less affectionate and acts as if there is nothing between us. he calls on the days he cant come over. why does he do this; the indifference? is it because im the white girl? how can i take the mixed signals and make sense of it all.
2: i don't say this to be racist, in the least..but ive been given the impression through media and other guys both black and white that all black men are players. how do i know if i am being played or if its the real deal?
3: ive come to care for him not big on using the "L" word because its not something to take lightly. i want to ask him what we "are" and if there might be a chance to become more. i am really inexperienced in relationships (2). i am so nervous to ask him. how can i do this in a good way without being harsh and blunt?
since im not sure of what our status is i have been trying not to get myself to deep(feelings) just to be cut down. in a way i feel like i need to open up and give it a chance to blossom on its own. i need a little help on this part.
if you can answer any of this...THANK YOU!
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Let me start by saying it's hard with stereotypes to know when you are doing the right thing (in dating outside your race) because it has been said that people should date their own race it's refreshing to see that someone chose their mate because of their character and not their race, now with that being said I'm going to answer each question you had:


1. I don't think it's race that keeps him from showing you affection in public I think it's more a gender thing some men just don't feel comfortable showing affection in public because they feel it makes them seem like less of a man or like they are weak. It may also be how the public views interracial dating he may not want you to have to suffer any backlash because of it especially if you say he is protective of you. You may want to tell him that you don't care if people look when you show each other affection this may allow him to show it more often. You have to tell him how you feel, if you feel you need more public affection, communicate this to him.


2. Men period can be players it's not really a race thing you just have to know the warning signs as to whether you are dating a player or not. If he has a lot of female friends but doesn't introduce them to you and these girls call him too much late at night or if he won't commit to you and allow you to meet his friends and keeps you a secret from his family then you should be worried about his intentions but that isn't just one race some men just are like this sometimes it stems from their growing up without a father or a learned behavior from friends and wanting to feel tough and untouchable.


3. You're so right, that Love is nothing to take lightly or throw the word around but sometimes couples are both afraid to say those words first so they often go unsaid because of fear. There is nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings maybe if you are honest about your feelings he will in turn be able to be honest about his. He may be waiting for you to show him or hint to him that you feel this way. Don't believe the stereotypes not all black men are afraid of the word love. Don't miss out on possibly the best thing to happen to you because you listen to stereo types often times stereotype are false and not always accurate, I've seen players in all different kind of men not just black. Communicate how you feel, relationships and marriage are about taking chances and try asking him how feels about you and where he sees the relationship going and if he runs from that then maybe he wasn't the right man for you. Remember love is color blind.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
hearing another person way what i alreay knew and thought inside is a great thing. thank you for giving the outside view on things. i was at his house last night and i was laying there looking at him sleep. i made the decision that i am going to tell him how i feel no matter what. i dont want things to end and that is the only thing that keeps me from stepping up. i also will not cheat myself...i dont want to become an afterthought to someones pleasure. im hopeing for the best and yet expecting the worst when i finally let it all out. im just horrible at talking, things never come out the way they are inside. i am going to tell him how i feel and let him know that i want you to read this letter i typed so you can understand what ive said. i dont want confusion and i want honesty. do you think the letter thing is childish. im not going to give it to him and then leave. i want him to read it infront of me. i want to see his reactions and i want him to see that by me staying there that im not going to run from what i feel and what might happen. what do you think?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Try writing it down and send it to him or practice what you wrote ahead of time and practicing it before you decide to tell him how you feel. If you are too uncomfortable abotu tell him in person of course you can write many people do that but make sure you get a reaction from him also, I will read the letter if you like.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

the "letter" was a personal card that i was working on for valentines.your the first one to read it. i wondered if you could tell me if the tone is good, or if im giving wrong impression with this? here goes:


You smiled at me and I forgot to breath, let alone speak. Thinking to myself "why does he have to look so gorgeous?" I watched you with secret wants, sneaking sniffs of you while I passed. When you talked, the Jersey sound gave each word its own personality. Would your skin taste as good as it looked. Where you were that delicious chocolate color EVERYWHERE. How would I feel with your flawless dark hands upon my white freckled body? These thoughts were very enticing and slightly worried.

My chance to find out if all these things were as good as I imagined came in the form of bowling. You projected this image of control, would you be like that when we were alone. Having your "gonna getcha" eyes on me did crazy things to my body and my game. Belly constantly fluttering from not knowing what was to follow. You had this "just you wait and see" smile on your beautiful lips for me. When you touched me, would it be gentle and light or would it be urgent and strong? I would blush from head to toe as I secretly wished for your teasing actions to become a real invitation. I could show you my finely tuned talents that only this Molish woman has!

My skin still tingles with the smallest brush of your hands or the caress of your breath on my back while we sleep. Your body warm and giving as I fall asleep within your arms. The sound of my name slipping from your kissable lips sends me into a melted state. The moment right before I first see you I have this feeling that I can‘t find words for. You still make me blush like crazy. Feeling like a young girl getting her first kiss or wink.

There is no definite forever in this world....just chances and letting them happen. Moments in life that will forever be remembered or tossed back to the wind for some one else. I don't know what is going to happen with you and I. I have no concrete expectations nor do I want your promises. I just want a chance to see where these moments will take us. MAYBE if I am lucky.... I can finally have the highest score, do the victory dance on the lane for kicking your butt! Most of all I would like a chance to give moments of happiness and blush like crazy. Moments so I can tell you what a wonderful man you are and becoming each time I see you. Opportunities to make your heart race. Letting me give you that tingling sensation that only comes from the soft, slow caress of skin. Chances to see you become excited by life and my "just you wait" smiles.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


That was really a sweet letter and I would suggest you give it to him on Valentine's Day trying added at the end of your letter:


__________(his name) makes it more personal


Do you think this could be us? Will you ever give me a chance to have it all with you? I've grown to care alot about you and often wonder if these things could ever be possible.


KimberlyF and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

that does sound must be a romantic at heartLaughing

thank you for your help and advice. have a blessed day mam

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


You're quite welcome and please let me know how you make out.