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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21416
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I need your opinion on what you think about a fiance going

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I need your opinion on what you think about a fiance going to his bachelor party and before he goes, his fiance asks him to please not go to any strip clubs. He does anyway with his group, hides it from her and when she asks him later, he says no and she finds out through a drunk groomsmen at a party the next weekend when the groom to be isn't around. The groomsmen slips and now she is mad and doesn't trust him.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again,

I can fully understand your upset at finding this out, but I think it's important that you keep in mind, a few relevant things. Traditionally, many bachelor parties involve some sort of stripper coming to the party, or the group going to a strip club. Most wives-to-be hate this idea, but the men will do it anyway. It's considered the 'last' time a husband will be able to do this, as he will not do it after he's married. It has sexual implications, of course, but if the affianced couple trust each other, there's no cause for concern.

If I were in your place, I'd be just as upset at his being less than truthful with you, about the situation, but he probably lied, to avoid confrontation, knowing you didn't want him to go to the club.

Of course, trust is a very important aspect in a relationship/marriage, and you always have to rely on that trust if you are to enjoy a successful marriage. I think this particular incident is not necessarily characteristic of your husband to be, being a pathological liar, who will consistently not tell you the truth. Hopefully, it's an isolated incident, and you can express your displeasure, not at his actions, but at his lying to you. Make sure he knows that even though he may have something to tell you that he knows will be upsetting, he should always feel he can tell you anything and everything.

I would consider this incident normal male behavior (going to the club, not the lying), and ask him to promise to always be truthful to you, in the future, as you will be with him. Trust is an integral part of marriage and if you are both to achieve that and maintain it, you should never have to doubt each other.

If, on the other hand, he has proven to be a liar on a steady basis, in the past, you need to have a serious discussion about this, and feel confident that he CAN be only truthful with you in the future, as you will be with him.

I wish you all the best, XXXXX XXXXX I remember correctly, your wedding is coming up in February?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
do you think that it is okay that his friends paid for two lap dances and i don't know what kind and how far it went?
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again,

No, I definitely don't think it's okay that his friends paid for two lap dances and you probably won't know how far it went, but I'm assuming that you trust him not to do anything to cheat on you. I don't consider a lap dance ONLY, cheating, but if I were you, it would bother me a lot, also. I wouldn't fault his friends, as this is what's done at some bachelor parties, and they probably thought they were being great, generous friends, in doing this for him, in the 'spirit' of the occasion.

Ask him about it, and how far it went. Don't ask him in an accusatory, angry tone (although you want to), just ask him 'matter-of-factly', to tell you exactly what happened there. Tell him that you were disappointed when you asked him if he went there and he said 'no', when in fact, it wasn't a truthful answer. Ask him if this means you'll not be able to trust him/believe him, in the future, after you're married. He SHOULD apologize and tell you they (the guys) were just having some fun, and nothing else happened.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
The problem is that I told him in the very beginning of the relationship that Strip clubs were a no no in my life. I said that if I was married and my husband did that then I would divorce him. That was 11 months ago and last weekend before the party, I asked him to tell me if that was the plan and he said no. His sister is my maid of honor and now I know why she was texting him so much during my party in the same town. Should I ask him to test for std if there was skin to skin contact? So here I am 1 month before the wedding and I am heartbroken and confused and hurt. This is a 500 person wedding and my mom is so upset and angry.
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for the additional information.

It's possible that his friends surprised him with this visit to the strip club, and he really didn't know about it in advance. Please understand I'm not taking his 'side'; I'm just trying to be as impartial as possible and help you see all sides of the story.

You're absolutely right, that if his friends said, "hey, guess where we're going??", he had every opportunity to say, oh no, I can't do that, but he's a MAN. They sometimes think with the 'little head' instead of the big one, and therein lies the problem.

As far as I know, a lap dance does not include skin to skin contact and unless he actually had sexual relations with a stripper (which I highly doubt), there would be no chance of an std transmission.

You need to talk to him about this and stop making yourself crazy. Ask him outright why he went there, when he promised you he wouldn't (he'll blame his friends), but more importantly, why did he lie when you asked him if he was going there or if he went there. Do you trust him to be faithful to you? Do you love him and want to marry him? Do you recognize all his redeeming qualities that made you fall in love with him, to begin with? If you answered 'yes' to all of these questions, you shouldn't let this incident make you doubt marrying him next month.

Don't lose sight of the reason for marriage: LOVE. If you love each other, you can forgive certain things he does, and he can forgive certain things YOU do. I understand that you discussed this so long ago and told him you won't tolerate him going to strip clubs, when you're married; but you're not married yet, and as I mentioned, his friends probably said, hey, come on, this is your last chance to go, before you're married.

Just try to see the whole picture. You love him, you agreed to marry him, you have 500 guests coming to the wedding. If you have ANY doubts, whatsoever, discuss it with your mother and make a decision. It's not too late to call it off; better that, then get a divorce down the line. BUT, first talk to him about it, and let him know how upset this made you, and see how he's going to make it up to you. Give him a chance and then decide if you really want to marry him. Second thoughts, right before marriage are not uncommon. You're under a lot of stress right now. Just don't make a rash decision without first knowing all the facts and weighing everything that's important to your happiness.

Do you think he would go to a strip club again, after you're married? Is he the type to get 'massages' or is he obsessed with porn (online or otherwise)? If so, you have something to worry about.
If this was his only indiscretion and he didn't cheat on you, it might be quite inconsequential, in the grand scheme of things.

Keep me posted, okay?

Cher and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Cher, I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate your answers and they helped me so much. I feel much better and will always listen to your advise. Thanks again
Expert:  Cher replied 8 years ago.
Hello again, KILGORE52, and you're most welcome. Thank you very much for your reply and your accept.

Your kind words are greatly appreciated, and I am happy to help you whenever you have a problem. You can request me by writing "For Cher" at the beginning of your question.