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Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I am overweight. I have gained and lost weight several times

Customer Question

I am overweight. I have gained and lost weight several times including three gastric surgeries. Currently weigh 303 lbs, having lost 30 lbs in last 2 months. I will be 50 years old in May. I am alone and very, very lonely. Disabled, lots of health problems mainly with pain and orthopaedic problems. I really want to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. But men just will NOT give a fat person the time of day.   How can I find someone and be in a healthy relationship?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.




The only way you are going to find someone to love you and spend your life with you have to work on the person you see in the mirror every day, if you are not happy within yourself and who you are there is no way you can make anyone else happy. With Gastric surgery it works differently for everyone and no two people are alike some people lose a lot and others it takes more time. Losing 30 in two months think of it as a good start and don't expect a miracle overnight it didn't take you overnight to put that weight on and it's not going to take that to get it off it's going to have to take dedication and determination. Once you start working on you and loving you more it will make it so much easier to find and love someone and share your life with. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. We can be our own worst enemy especially when it comes to raising our confidence, ending depression, moving beyond diets or overeating behaviors, or just plain wanting to live a happier, fulfilled life, you have to learn how to love yourself and who you are.


You have decided that who you are and what you want is important. Self love involves deciding to connect with yourself about your dreams and then supporting yourself with encouraging thoughts and positive attitude. Try to praise yourself for the weight you have lost and the hard work it took to lose that weight. Instead of saying "I only lost 30 pounds." Try saying "I lost 30 pounds in two months that is a great start!" Once you start losing more weight your confidence will become more noticeable and your healthy issues will become less disabling. Positive thinking is a must when trying to lose weight if you think down on yourself and your weight it makes you eat that's called comfort food. Instead of always focusing on the problem, decide to focus on desired outcomes. Acknowledge your efforts and your successes, instead of seeing everything as a failure. Once you have worked on yourself and your inner happiness everything will fall into place

Customer: replied 8 years ago.



Kimberly Ann:


Everything you said in your reply I already know. I once lost 200 lbs and got down to 206, but it still did not help. My inner problem comes from issues of negativity and my mother. I have been in therapy for years, but still nothing gets better. I appreciate your time though. I was really wanting answers from the male perspective. I will pay you, but cannot till I make a deposit Monday, or else I will have an overdraft. Sorry, I do not have any charge cards. Thank you anyway. Chris

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Do not pay me and I will send you to a male relationship expert. Good luck to you!

Expert:  Walter replied 8 years ago.



Kimberly asked me to step in and see if I can help you today. Do not stress about having to wait until Monday to accept. I understand overdraft, been there done that! Just make sure you do not click the accept button until Monday.


It looks like Kimberly gave you some great advice on how you see yourself and how you feel about yourself and that is very important. Men are simple creatures and are looking for love the same as you are........except they are looking slightly different then the way women do. Now of coerce there are some exceptions to the rule and there are plenty of jerks out there that are more worried about what someone looks like then who they are......but in the long run you really do not want someone this shallow in your life regardless.


A good man is looking for more then just what a women looks like....and often are looking for more then just body imagine. These are the guys you want in your life. Real men who are adults and who are really looking for a relationship are looking for a few different things.


Attitude: This is a huge issue with many men over 40. They have been there and done that with the women who have bad attitudes and even worse personality's. Angry and obnoxious women are no fun! Why some women are so angry is a big question men have........ Course they could be angry because they have not eaten since they were 12....but then again what do I know?


Ok....maybe that wasn't fair. But the truth is the same.........a man is looking for a women that has a good attitude. He wants someone he can talk to and relate with. If the women is forever harping on herself or someone else he will quickly grow bored and restless with this kind of women. You on the other hand can show them you have a great attitude toward life and people. Be friendly, open and honest. Do not mention your weight....he isn't blind honey. He knows you have a weight issue, but if you are harping on it or going on about it then he will quickly see that you are insecure about it. Instead of pointing out your difference stand out by not mentioning it. Why shoot yourself in the foot? I have dated many women who are isn't a issue for me. But you would be shocked at how many women sabotage themselves by pointing it out or making offhanded comments about it. In mens eyes we already see it so why make a big deal out of it. Plus it tends to make the man feel bad that you are bothered about it......thus he is not having fun.


Confidence: Confidence is a big issue........there is nothing more attractive then a strong confident women! Insecure women tend to be needy and clingy and that is often a HUGE turnoff for men. You need to accept who you are and be who you are. Instead of trying to worry about wither someone likes you or not just open up and be friendly. Instead of approaching a guy looking for a relationship approach him looking for a friendship. This shows him you are confident enough to approach him for conversation......if he flirts then flirt back. If not keep simple and friendly.


Ease of Relationship: The easier a relationship is for a fellow the happier he is. If he is forever running around trying to keep everything perfect he will eventually grow tired of it. Never harp or nag when he messes up.......laugh it off and offer to help him instead. If he has to spend all day trying to impress you he isn't having fun......which is a turn off. To many women expect a man to be a Casanova, while its true there are some that can manage this the rest of us often have no clue how to be romantic.


Looking in the right places: I think you are looking in the wrong places with the wrong attitude. Instead of looking for Mr. Right, trying looking for just fun. Love isn't something we can search out and almost always happens when we are not looking or expecting it. The reason why is because we let down our guard and just have fun, which is what most men are looking for. They want someone they are comfortable with.....if you are on the hunt you are not comfortable and happy, which leads to failure.


As for your assumption that men do not like larger are so far off base that a plane trip to the other side of the earth isn't far enough! There are a great majority of men out there that prefer a larger women! And I am not talking about 10% of the men population either.....50-60% is more like it. Many men prefer larger women, but more often then not larger women hide in the back of the room because of lack of confidence. Get out there and show them who you are.....have fun with it. There are many on line sites who cater to BBW's (Big Beautiful Women). These sites are excellent because the men who prefer larger women are already there looking for someone like you.


On line chatting and flirting are great confidence builders. It gives you a chance to see yourself as attractive and wanted. Just make sure you do not go on looking for anything other then fun.......enjoy yourself. When you are just having fun you are a far better catch then those who are out actively hunting for a man.


I know you are worried that you weight is your reason why you have not found love.....but it is not your problem. Your problem is you are allowing your weight to interfere in who you are. Go out and have fun and do not dwell on what is different. We all have something about ourselves we do not like.........they key is accepting it and not allowing it to dictate who you are.