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Ask KimberlyF Your Own Question
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Hello; I have been with my girlfriend for over 2 years now.

Resolved Question:


I have been with my girlfriend for over 2 years now. She is very tender and always showing affection to me. But our sex has always been a mission. My girl will not initiate anything, and when I want to have sex I can not act, I just have to tell her in advance.

In many cases when I had the courage to try with out asking she would reject me or try to convince me for the next day.

In addition to this, when we get to it; she just won’t do anything at all to me. In fact she always uses a vib to start things up. But she won’t touch me at all and if I ask her she will just place her hands on me and just leave them there with out motion.

My best way to describe her is total passion less. The result of this is that I am afraid to have sex with her and when we do it I drink a few beers just to be relaxed because most of the time I loose my erection because I feel so bad as if nothing will actually put fire on her.

I have tried to tell her but she says I a crazy, some time
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:


-What are your ages?


-Has your girlfriend ever gone through a traumatic experience sexually?


-Have you talked to her about this?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Hello Kimberly;


My girlfriend is 33 years old. I am 44. Before she I came to her life yes, she had a husband that beat her and then she found that he was gay. I am uncertain if she has been abused sexually.


She is also very very unsecure. She calls me every time she gets a chance from work and I can tell she tries to listen to the back noises in my cell phone. In fact I can not go out on my own with out a series of questions. (I work from home) But I always answer her calls to make her feel good and show her I am here and not doing anything wrong.


I have tried talking to her but she say it is on my mind

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.


Thank you for answering my questions now I ask that you be patient as I am typing my answer this is a very complicated situation and I want to give you the best answer possible, Thank you for your patience in advance.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 8 years ago.



It's clear that for some reason your relationship is passionless what you are going to have to do is think back when you first met each other and if the passion was more exciting then you have to go back to what made it that way that brought it together in the first place. As the attraction between you deteriorates, and your efforts to keep the relationship together keeps feeling like a chore, then the relationship goes into a downward spiral that has no end in sight except breaking up. With that being said being passive and quiet as the relationship gets worse only make it more frustrating and won't help either. She went through a traumatic experience the best way to make someone insecure is for them to think that they turn their mate gay not to mention the physical abuse that she endured little by little she was broken down into feeling like she didn't matter and that no one would care about her the way the ex did that is part of the abuse, breaking down their self esteem to the point where they won't want to leave you because they life like they don't deserve better.


Though you are good to her she is waiting for that moment where you hurt her and this is why she is insecure about you being faithful and caring about her, she doesn't believe someone can love her and be true to her because she was abused and left for another man, she should have taken some time to work on her and possibly get counseling after her last relationship because what she did was she took all of the issues she had in the past relationship and bought them into your relationship. You have to make her feel special and show her that she is the only one for you, plan some romantic dinners just because, compliment her a lot and tell her she is beauty, try to sit back and think about what you had in your relationship that swept her off her feet when you first started dating and do whatever it is that won her heart. This is the very same thing that can rekindle the fire in your passionless relationship. If you can make her feel the same kind of attraction for you again, then you can put the relationship back on the right track again. You can do this by stop thinking about yourself and how you think she should love you and try to see things in her perspective.


She may need to seek counseling for the abuse because she is trying to heal on her own and it isn't working and every relationship she will be in will suffer. She is very unsure about herself because of two main reasons. 1. Her ex abused her probably because he was fighting demons within himself because he was gay and knew he was gay but wouldn't come out of the closet so he took his frustration out on her. 2. He left her for another man which made her feel really insecure about herself that she couldn't keep him satisfied and then he left for not another woman but another man. You have to be patient with her if you love her then maybe suggest some counseling because she seems to feel that she doesn't deserve happiness and that is because of the abuse. She is unknowingly making you suffer because of the way she was treated in the past and that isn't fair to you, you cannot make her feel special until she realizes that she is special and deserves to be happy. If you have anything to add click reply.

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