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Ms Chase
Ms Chase, Life Coach
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2897
Experience:  Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
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my fiance gives me guilt trip over engagement ring, but in

Customer Question

my fiance gives me guilt trip over engagement ring, but in reality, I paid for the setting so he could buy the diamond and I spotted him 3 months rent, which has turned into 10 months of rent. He is ungrateful and doesn't feel he needs to pay rent, hasn't even offered, and has $30,000 in savings which he says he needs to run his business, which he runs out of my townhouse. he has been picking fights lately and we are getting married in May. Is he afraid to commit? He also accuses me of being physically abusive because I slapped his leg one time in the car when he accused me of being unfair to him for using airline miles to purchase business class seats to Europe for our honeymoon (instead of first class, which he says I promised him on our first date.) Outrageous things to say but he's doing this alot lately. We went to one therapy session and he basically told the therapist I lie which is so untrue. Do I need to move on or is this fixable??? I do love him but can't live like th
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.

How did the two of you meet?

What are your ages?

How sure are you that he has that much in savings?

How is he staying with you without pitching in for rent?

How did you wind up spotting him rent in exchange for a ring?

Who's airline miles were they?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi There..

We met through mutual friends at a Halloween party. I am 38 and he is 40. I know he has at least 30K in savings because he logged in to Wells Fargo and showed me his account. He says he only has ~$1000 with an investment bank, and I just remembered that he says he has $6000 in cash stashed somewhere in his closet. So he's not exactly in debt but he started a business and needs money to run it,.
He moved in to my townhouse when his roomate's fiance moved in. He was renting a room in this guys' house. Things were going well for us and then he moved in and initially paid half the expenses. In May of last year, we began looking for rings and he wanted to spend $9000 for the ring. I found a setting that I really liked and offered to spot him rent for a few months to pay for the setting so that he could use the $9000 for the diamond itself. Then, after the "grace period" for rent was up (after ~3 months) he never started paying rent again. When I would bring it up, he would get mad and tell him that he was running out of money/ The airline miles were mine and it was 180,000 per ticket. The first class ticket was 220,000 per ticket which I barely had enough miles to cover (440,000miles!) He says he feels "downgraded" because I went cheap and only got the business class tickets for us, when I even asked him before I booked the flights if business class would be OK. Just seems so ungrateful when I pay for everything else. It made me feel awful.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
It is ungrateful and almost like a slap in the face. I want you to think about the phrase, we teach people how to treat us. He is getting mad because you are asking him to help pay for the place where he not only lives, sleeps, eats AND runs his business! He's not paying rent for his business or for his home. Where else would he stay if you asked him to leave? How many other things are you paying for? Why are you responsible for upgrading him? Why are you responsible for him running out of money? or his business? Something isn't right, and for him to lie to the therapist and call you a liar, only you know if that's true. If it's not, and he lied to the therapist, that's a big red flag. You are doing a lot for him and instead of appreciating it, he's putting you through the wringer. I welcome your thoughts, let me know if you want to talk more.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Hi Ms. Chase,

You are absolutely right, It was a slap in the face, and he is putting me through the ringer. Instead of the therapist hearing about this stuff, my fiance dominated the conversation and said that I have a temper and that I don't react to things he says well, etc. Seems very manipulative, and I resent it. I am hurt and angry and if I ask him to move out, i think he will lose it and it scares me. When I brought it up as hypothetical last night, he sobbed uncontrollably but then said I was being mean. I don't think I can resolve this, do you?
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
I can't say if you can resolve this, but what I can say it, what is your gut telling you? Is your gut telling you that he's all in it for you? That he cares about you as much as you might care about him? That he's willing to do the hard work, to make this happen? That he's honest? The dishonesty and manipulation is enough to make you want to double think this. The crying/sobbing is not normal either. I would venture to say, although I don't know much more than what you've told me, that he is very manipulative and that can be scary. If you believe in your heart that he might do something if you try to break it off with him, then I would urge you to take every safety precaution to protect yourself. If you are thinking of leaving him, I will post back some things that you can do to protect yourself.

Ms Chase and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
yes, if you have ideas for what I can do if/when i break it off, that would be helpful. I don't think I want to be here alone. I don't thnk he would hurt me but he was inconsolable and irrational and I'd never seen that before., Thanks for your advice, Much appreciated,
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
You're right, you do not want to be there alone with him. The advice I am giving you is based on you mentioning that you had reservations about leaving him and his reaction. In most cases I think it's good to talk to the person, break up and go your way, but in this case, I'm not feeling comfortable. My sister was killed by her husband when she tried to leave him, so I tend to be very passionate about it. Her husband had never exhibited any violent tendencies and was a very likable man. But things happen. The best thing is to first decide if you want to keep the apartment or if you want to move. If you decide you want to move, then the best thing is to make your plans and perhaps wait until you know he'll be gone for the day and just get a moving truck and go. The two of you can talk about the relationship and why you're breaking up after you are safely ensconced in your new place. If you don't want to leave your place, then you again want to wait until you know he'll be gone for some hours or a day, have a friend (or a few) come by, pack his things, put them by the door, have a locksmith come in and change the locks, and have friends there when he comes in and let him get his things and go.

Of course he won't find anyone who's going to let him live for free and he will likely complain that he has no where to go. Maybe you can talk to his friend who he was staying with and see if they will let him come back. Worse case scenario is that you rent him a small apartment, pay the dep and rent for a couple of months, take his things there and let him know where to go. That would be a nice thing to do, and totally up to you, as I am positive he will try to manipulate the situation by saying he has nowhere to go. Whatever you do, if you talk about breaking up....if your decision is final, you want to have him and ALL of his things out so he has no reason to come back. You don't want to tell him while you are alone or while he's still living there. If you tell him not to come back and he does, do not hesitate to file a restraining order, get pepper spray, double check your locks, etc. I'm not trying to scare you, but I do urge you to be aware.

If you are feeling that you still want to give him time, then maybe it's time you start demanding rent and his fair share of half of all the bills. If it affects his business, oh well, then maybe he needs to get a job. If you start making him pay, he may leave on his own.

I'm here anytime you want to talk.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your sister. My heart breaks for you and your family.

Thank you for your time and advice. I know what I need to do now but its just very difficult.
Expert:  Ms Chase replied 8 years ago.
Thanks for that. It is difficult. It's never easy to leave someone, especially if you've been with them for any amount of time. It not easy to face being single again, even when you know that the situation you are in isn't the best. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and that you are capable and doing well for yourself. However for some reason, this guy saw that he could create a situation for himself....hard to say where he's at emotionally, but if he truly cared, he would respect you and the things you do for him. You might want to ask yourself why you've allowed him to do this..maybe even consider therapy to try and figure out what you ultimately want, and how you can get to that point without compromising yourself. Of course I'm always here if you want to talk more.