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Hi, I feel like I am going crazy. I am 38 years old I have

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three children 14 months, 4...
Hi, I feel like I am going crazy. I am 38 years old I have three children 14 months, 4, 6 years old. My husband admitted having an affair in 2004-2006 with a woman while on travel. He traveled 5 years of our marriage mon-thurs as a computer consultant. He worked locally from 2006-2008 and recently quit that job and started traveling again. The thing is it is a different company but same state, city, location, and hotel area he was in before. Even two of the restaurants he still orders from. I must be crazy to think that just because they quit this travel company in 2005 they are not still seeing each other in Conneticut. He has never been completely nice and complains all the time about I wanted the baby, my baby, how family vacation to Disney is no fun for him. Sex of course on this schedule is limited and we argue all the time. I feel depressed when he comes home on Thursdays like I am so hurt. He maintains the affair was over a long time ago but does not discuss many details
Submitted: 9 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 13 hours by:
1/11/2009
Counselor: Cher, Relationship Enthusiast replied 9 years ago
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21,520
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hi,

If you could answer some questions for me, it would help me give you a more complete answer. Thanks.

How long have you been married?

Was your husband working this schedule with the traveling, from the time you were first married?

How did you find out about the affair? Is the woman married, also? Does she live locally?

When he mentions the baby, does he mean he didn't want to have this last child, and only YOU did?

What kind of relationship does he have with his children?

When you say he has never been completely nice, can you explain a little more?

How did you and Dr. Harley know he was lying during your marriage counseling sessions?

What advice did Dr. Harley give you at the time?

Thanks,
Cher
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Customer reply replied 9 years ago

Yes my husband was traveling when I first got married.

I found out about the affair by using eblaster and a private eye to look up phone bill information. Dr. Harley and I did not know he was lying until 2007 when he admitted the affair to me. I called Dr. Harley on the issue. He maintained there was No affair the whole time.The woman is not married she lives in NYC we live in Maryland. The projects are in Conneticut, always. I found her boyfriend in 2005 and called him on the issue, He knew. Still my husband maintained his innocence. He agreed to the third child but said money would be short so I would have to work full time so we could afford everything. I agreed. Before this third child I had an abortion because I got pregnant 2005 and he gave me a hard time. In 2007, I had the third child which is here today.

Customer reply replied 9 years ago

When I say he is not completely nice I mean he always has something to say to make me feel smaller. Like You wanted this baby not me that is why we wont have a great vacation. Or No one likes you. Not even your own family likes you. He tries to pysche me out but I am much smarter.

At the time I was to take him at his word and if it was found out he was lying then go to Plan B which was to file for a separation.

 

Thanks so much for your time,

 

Monique

Counselor: Cher, Relationship Enthusiast replied 9 years ago
Hello again, Monique, and thanks for your reply with additional information. I had written most of this answer already, before you sent your very last post, and I had suggested a separation before knowing you were already considering it.

It does sound like you are in a difficult situation, and if you're unhappy, you have to find a way to be happy again. If you feel you're still being lied to, and suspect your husband is still having an affair, plus you're not happy when he comes home on Thursdays, because he complains about everything, and puts you down, it might be time to consider either seeing another therapist/marriage counselor, to try to salvage your marriage, or you might consider consulting a lawyer to discuss a separation.

It's important that you are happy and your children are happy. If your husband is not home most of the time and the times he IS home are not happy ones for your family, after exhausting all other possibilities, you might have to make the difficult decision to divorce him, and his affair and emotional/verbal abuse (putting you down) would be the main reasons. He was dishonest with you and lied to Dr. Harley, as well, so he would have to decide if he wanted to keep his family or continue to have other women on the side and not honor his marriage vows.   The constant traveling for his job, is conducive to having an affair, if he was inclined to, to begin with, and many men who are away from their families for extended periods of time will fall into this trap. However, many men who are faithful to their wives and make the most of their time at home, are also out there.

If you're very unhappy in your marriage and don't foresee any improvements occurring in the near future, you might consider a separation, at first, and then decide what you'd like to do, re: divorce. If you're worried about finances, consult a local lawyer, but I'm pretty sure he is still obligated to support you and the children, if you're separated. He may just not be the type of man who is successful at 'settling down'. I hope things work out for you!

Cher
Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21,520
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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