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My fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years. Weve been

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My fiance' and I have...
My fiance' and I have been together for 2.5 years. We've been living together for 1.5 years. We're both 44 and have been married once previously. We discussed marriage being both our goals before he moved in. He gave me a ring last Christmas, but no date was set. We were supposed to set a date on Valentine's Day (at my request) but my daughter ended up in the hospital that day with Type 1 Diabetes. He hasn't brought up the subject since, other than to mention that he wanted to speak with his accountant beforehand. I've been waiting patiently until about 3 months ago. I asked him how he felt about me not wearing his ring until he felt more at ease with the concept of marriage. He didn't like that idea. I sat him down and told him that I don't want to appear to be taken if I'm not and that if he wasn't sure after being with me for 2.5 years, then I'm not the girl for him. Since he's been reluctant to discuss the topic, should I end this relationship?
Submitted: 9 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 36 minutes by:
1/4/2009
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
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No you shouldn't end your relationship just yet, the relationship can still be salvaged with alot of communication and compromise. Give him time to get used to the idea of marriage. Though it is important to you it may not be as important to him so you need to make it very clear how important getting married is for you. It's only been three months give it some more time. Though you are getting tired of being in a relationship without a commitment of marriage you want him to want to marry you and not feel obligated to do so. Some men are more than content to continue in dating mode, if you are obvious about your desire to get married, you are actually making matters worse. If he knows that you are sitting anxiously waiting for a proposal, he's going to be slow to offer it. If you want to get him to commit to marriage, you may have to immediately drop all marriage talk.

 

You may have to start focusing more on you as an individual as opposed to you two as a couple. Start making plans to do things alone that you two normally would do together. Maybe an evening out with friends. He will start to sense that you're exploring things solo now instead of with him. He'll notice you pulling away and it will make him wonder what's gotten into you or who you are thinking about. If he starts to see you living your life separately from him, it will make him want a more serious commitment. If he knows you are willing to walk away if you don't get that proposal he may be more willing to talk about the possibility of marriage. Just don't give up yet, give it a little more time and possibly he will ask without you even having to talk about it he has to see on his own that it is all or nothing you can't tell him that or he will feel obligated and you shouldn't start a marriage that way.

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX your reply. He proposed last Christmas but we just haven't set a date. I've brought up the subject a few times and he was reluctant to talk about it. So...here we are, with no date. Where do I go from here? We just had a discussion last Thursday and he admitted that his "proposal" was different from the norm - that his proposal wasn't about saying, "Yes, I'm ready to get married." but rather, Yes, I'd like to commit to you for a year (or so) and then we'll see where we are." He just forgot to share his version of a proposal with me.

I do, however, like your idea of doing things for myself and without him.

Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
Customer

 

So another word you are saying that the ring was kind of a hush gift so that you would no longer ask when but be glad that you got the ring that isn't really how a proposal goes. Try what I suggested for at least three more month and see where things go from there. You should tell him that you would have never accepted if you would have known that he would give you a ring with false promises.

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Customer reply replied 9 years ago
Sounds good, although 3 months seems like a long time. One last question...I shouldn't bring up the wedding date discussion, correct? It should come from him.
Counselor: KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert replied 9 years ago
Customer

 

Three months isn't that long compared to him wanting to wait a year or to even think about marriage. If you show him that you would be fine without him it may make him more willing to hear you out. If he doesn't think he has anything to lose her will continue to drag his feet about even talking about marriage let alone a date. If after three months he still hasn't said anything about it then I would ask him something like " How would June or July of next year be?" or whatever date you had in mind, if he still continues to avoid the subject then it may be time for you to think about thinking about your other options of being single or continuing on as you have been.

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